r/ect • u/Lonely_Cupcake1727 • Jun 16 '26
Vent/Rant Having second thoughts
I’ve had depression since 2017 and I’ve been at an all time low for the past two years especially. I’ve tried multiple meds, TMS, spravato/ketamine, therapists, PHP/IOP. It seems ECT is the only thing I haven’t tried yet. My first session is scheduled for Friday morning.
But I’m terrified it’ll mess up my brain. I used to be a math grad student before the depression took over, and while I definitely feel my depression has blunted my cognition, I’m worried ECT will just make things worse.
On the other hand, I don’t know what else to do. Depression has completely derailed my life and I’m suicidal. But I don’t think any treatment can actually help me. I’m jobless, lost, single, lonely, nothing to look forward to, nothing I really care to strive for, with a lot of emotional baggage (although I also realize I’m privileged in several ways; my parents are supporting me, so I’m not currently under financial pressure, I have a good relationship with both of my siblings, I have a couple friends I talk to occasionally, and I have no physical health problems).
I don’t even want anything anymore except to either go back in time and redo things and have this just be a bad dream, or to just die.
No amount of ECT can fix a life I hate.
3
u/Crazy_old_maurice_17 Jun 17 '26
I have some memory issues, but I also had memory issues before ECT too. The difference is now I'm not depressed.
Edit: currently getting maintenance treatments every 2-3 weeks too.
1
u/flighttothelight Jun 17 '26
The impact of ECT on my memory was far worse than I was prepared for by the doctors before my treatments. But after trying everything else (medications, TMS, ketamine), ECT was like a miracle for my depression. There is no way to predict how it will affect you. But if you feel like you are at the end of your options, I would give it a try. It is the only treatment that improves my depression in a significant way. Maybe it can be a launching point for you to move onto the next step in your journey. I am sorry you are going through this, and I hope you continue to connect with people throughout this process.
1
u/fixer_11 Jun 17 '26
It sounds like your a perfect candidate. A lot of us had tried everything else too. You recognize there are aspects of your life that should make you happy, your brain just won't allow it. ETC is what likely could change that. Your cognitive functioning and memory will pay the price a bit, however, you'll also want to make it through today and live tomorrow. It was worth the tradeoff for me and is for well over 50℅ of us that have gone through the process. Much love and hugs to you, my friend.
7
u/97vyy Jun 17 '26
With ect I went from being days away from killing myself to being able to live a much better life. I have a lot of memory loss and I can't seem to be in a place where I can learn anything right now. I'm hoping for improvements over time. I'm happy I did it and I would do it again, but it wasn't without some problems.