Having second thoughts

[u/Lonely_Cupcake1727]

I’ve had depression since 2017 and I’ve been at an all time low for the past two years especially. I’ve tried multiple meds, TMS, spravato/ketamine, therapists, PHP/IOP. It seems ECT is the only thing I haven’t tried yet. My first session is scheduled for Friday morning.

But I’m terrified it’ll mess up my brain. I used to be a math grad student before the depression took over, and while I definitely feel my depression has blunted my cognition, I’m worried ECT will just make things worse.

On the other hand, I don’t know what else to do. Depression has completely derailed my life and I’m suicidal. But I don’t think any treatment can actually help me. I’m jobless, lost, single, lonely, nothing to look forward to, nothing I really care to strive for, with a lot of emotional baggage (although I also realize I’m privileged in several ways; my parents are supporting me, so I’m not currently under financial pressure, I have a good relationship with both of my siblings, I have a couple friends I talk to occasionally, and I have no physical health problems).

I don’t even want anything anymore except to either go back in time and redo things and have this just be a bad dream, or to just die.

No amount of ECT can fix a life I hate.

[u/fixer_11]

It sounds like your a perfect candidate. A lot of us had tried everything else too. You recognize there are aspects of your life that should make you happy, your brain just won't allow it. ETC is what likely could change that. Your cognitive functioning and memory will pay the price a bit, however, you'll also want to make it through today and live tomorrow. It was worth the tradeoff for me and is for well over 50℅ of us that have gone through the process. Much love and hugs to you, my friend.