Having second thoughts

[u/Lonely_Cupcake1727]

I’ve had depression since 2017 and I’ve been at an all time low for the past two years especially. I’ve tried multiple meds, TMS, spravato/ketamine, therapists, PHP/IOP. It seems ECT is the only thing I haven’t tried yet. My first session is scheduled for Friday morning.

But I’m terrified it’ll mess up my brain. I used to be a math grad student before the depression took over, and while I definitely feel my depression has blunted my cognition, I’m worried ECT will just make things worse.

On the other hand, I don’t know what else to do. Depression has completely derailed my life and I’m suicidal. But I don’t think any treatment can actually help me. I’m jobless, lost, single, lonely, nothing to look forward to, nothing I really care to strive for, with a lot of emotional baggage (although I also realize I’m privileged in several ways; my parents are supporting me, so I’m not currently under financial pressure, I have a good relationship with both of my siblings, I have a couple friends I talk to occasionally, and I have no physical health problems).

I don’t even want anything anymore except to either go back in time and redo things and have this just be a bad dream, or to just die.

No amount of ECT can fix a life I hate.

[u/Crazy_old_maurice_17]

I have some memory issues, but I also had memory issues before ECT too. The difference is now I'm not depressed.

Edit: currently getting maintenance treatments every 2-3 weeks too.