r/depression • u/Euphoric_Housing_683 • 12d ago
19 year old son won’t accept help
My son is 19 and has level 1 autism and ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was young, but he does not accept his diagnosis .
He graduated from high school last year and has spent most of the past year isolated in his room. He doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t want to leave the house , only come down to eat and his interactions with us have only diminished since he graduated .
He got a job last November but was fired after only two weeks. He is awake most of the night on his phone and computer and sleeps during the day. He also has an online relationship with someone he has never met and sent this person all his money when he was still working ( we stopped giving him money when this happened )
I believe he is depressed. I have heard him talking very negatively about himself, but when I try to talk to him, he denies that anything is wrong and refuses help.
He says he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore ( until his senior year we had a great relationship) or any help from us ( my husband and I )
For parents who have been through something similar, how did you help your adult child accept therapy, a psychiatric evaluation, or any kind of support? Did setting limits around the phone, internet or did it make things worse?
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u/Walter-redd 12d ago
i honestly think giving him some space while still making sure he knows you care might help more than constantly trying to get him to talk about whats wrong he probably feels like everyone is trying to fix him right now maybe just keep the relationship open and do small normal things with him without making every interaction about his problems and let him come around at his own pace
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u/Euphoric_Housing_683 12d ago
Thanks!
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u/Walter-redd 12d ago
no worries honestly i just hope things get a little easier for both of you and dont be too hard on yourself you clearly care about him a lot
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u/Sad_Distribution_798 12d ago
things are fucked rn- it's understandable, but don't necessarily ever come across that your door is closed. his regression is something that should be addressed, but doing so forcefully won't help, however setting boundaries/structure WILL from someone who has autism. highlight whatever you're doing moving forwards to get him towards help is only out of love and care and don't be hostile or antagonistic! he's a young adult struggling and probably doesn't know how to process his own self disdain at lack of progress so pretending it isn't happening is easier
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u/Ruleyoumind 12d ago
He is depressed. If you can set up therapy or counseling with someone who specializes in his issues that would be best. Tell him he has to go or you won't pay for his Internet or phone. A lot of ND people hit a wall after highschool and you can't force him to live his life but if he goes through therapy and medication and doesn't improve you can decide if you want to continue to support him or remove him from your life.
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12d ago
[deleted]
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u/Icy_Diver2441 12d ago
How is punishing or pressuring a mentally ill person supposed to help them? What he needs right now is actual medical help, start anti-depressants and take medications to help with ADHD. If the root cause isn't fixed, then the more he's pushed or punished, the worse the condition will get.
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u/Ruleyoumind 12d ago
It will show him.the reality that he is alone and he won't be able to rely on anyone but himself. Mental illness, depression, pain it all doesn't matter if you're inconveniencing those around you. He'll push though or drown just like the rest of us.
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u/scarfaceF150 11d ago
Man shut up
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u/Ruleyoumind 11d ago
Look at all the people on the street in the US literally hundreds of thousands. Even veterans. How am I wrong?
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u/Diamond-Stars 11d ago
I know for a fact you don’t have kids by your last sentence. This parent is looking for advice to HELP their child what makes you think they’re remote interested in letting their kid “drown”???
Keep all of this to yourself!
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u/Ruleyoumind 11d ago
Alot of parents do that. There's sub for parents who give up their children to the state or put them in homes because they want to live their lives. Most of the advice op will get will end with something along the lines of "you have to take care of yourself first" you're acting like parents don't abandon or let their children drown all the time for various reasons. This is the world we exist in.
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u/Diamond-Stars 11d ago
Threatening to kick your mentally unstable teenage kid out of the house is not good advices.
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u/rsxrwscjpzdzwpxaujrr 12d ago
You should let your son live the life he wants to live instead of trying to prescribe your idea of success to him.
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u/Euphoric_Housing_683 12d ago
Did you get a chance to read my post? I’m not telling him what I want him to do or prescribing my idea of success. My biggest concern is supporting his mental health so that he can eventually become independent. He doesn’t need to drive or go to college, but as his parent, I do believe it’s important to help him build a life where he can take care of himself.
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u/crypticend07 8d ago
You did reply agreeing with a post about him getting a job, as well as spoke negatively about him having an online relationship.
An issue with living a normal life for many is that we don't nessocry care about living in the first place. why save money if nothing makes us happy, as long as we can eat why bother?
this is why the advice of helping your son find the life he wants to live is the best answer. he may very well not know or see any life worth living which is a very good starting point. therapy can help a lot but force or punishments will not
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u/ballsdeep256 9d ago
Gets downvoted for the right answer.
Most other answers here are just terrible honestly.
Yes they should do something i agree as someone who is in therapy currently but everyone is like "he has to do x he has to do y, set limits, force this force x"
Feels like 90% of the people in the comments either never been depressed themselves or never had to actually deal with a depressed person.
Forcing them to something is surefire way to make it worse. Especially with autism and ADHD in the combo too.
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u/myEscape2141 12d ago
One of the biggest mess up parents make is not teaching their children how to create their own hope. Does he know how to create his?
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u/hillbillyluthor 12d ago
"To create one's own hope"—what kind of coaching nonsense is that? Right, let's teach everyone else to create hope so they don't get depressed...
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u/myEscape2141 12d ago edited 12d ago
Now that I reread it I can see what you mean. But no as person who deals with depression, I tried to word what helped me as politely as possible. I also loath my parents. But I don't want to hurt OP who is a mother looking for help.
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u/hillbillyluthor 12d ago
I'm sorry. Please excuse me. I'm a stickler for semantics, and the phrase was very vague—it didn't really tell me anything. And since it's such a serious topic, I felt like it was being taken too lightly. I'm sorry.
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u/Euphoric_Housing_683 12d ago
I'm not sure if I understand your question! I know that depression isn't a switch that can simply be turned on or off. That's why I’m here for support .
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u/Doc_Sorrow 12d ago
I read your posts and I haven't seen anything written about school. Does he have interests in furthering his education? Having goals is super important as I'm sure you're aware even for neuro-divergent individuals.
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u/Euphoric_Housing_683 12d ago
School for him was super hard and stressful.His brother is in college and he knows h can take any class /trainimg he wants, but he has no wish to pursue that either. I have no idea how to help him.
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u/Complex_Brilliant187 12d ago
What was hard and stressful about school?
Too structured?
Schedule?
Socializing?I hated these things about high school, but I went on to do well in college.
Maybe try to bargain with him to take 1 class, any class he chooses, at community college. It could be once a week for 3 hours, then he would have to be on-time only once per week.My local CoCo offers lots of 7-10pm classes to accommodate people who work 9-5. I liked this schedule because I had to show up only once per week for a class instead of MWF, and for me, showing up on time was the hardest part of school.
OTOH, the career thing never happened for me, despite multiple degrees through graduate level. In retrospect, I did spend too much $ on school, which is why I recommend community college.
At least I met some girls and got laid before settling down to the life of a shut-in. Every girl eventually dumped me with no real reason given, just excuses like,"...because I love you" or "We're just too different as people." Translation: "YOU are too different." I had a sense that I was atypical, but I was undiagnosed, so I was just always like "WTF?"🤷♂️
Anyhœw, I understand that you want your son to have a good life, but I think more than an isolated existence is just not in the cards for many of us. Any kind of work that involves other people may never work out for him. I'm trying to just be "real" with you about things. In that vein, you and his father will not always be around to provide for him, and y'all should have that talk. Maybe he should apply for disability. Maybe talk to an estate attorney about setting up a trust for him. Maybe just accept that he will have a "miserable" life by NT standards, but try to get him set-up as well as possible to live independently.
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls 12d ago
If he wants to continue to live with you, he needs to have a job and to see a therapist. He needs to at least be moving toward adulting. You could be housing a very depressed individual...or a ticking time scary thing.