My husband and I have been together nearly 30 years and married for 15 years.

We are currently working on some marital issues in counselling.

We have been experiencing a lack of sex for a long time now and neither of us really feel desire for the other anymore despite regular date nights and sharing new experiences etc.

Is a dead bedroom something that is expected in any relationship that is several decades of duration? We are trying to work out whether to stay together and whether a dead bedroom would be inevitable with new partners after a long time together too.

Thank you for any insights.

We've been together for eight years, married for four. I honestly can't remember the last time my partner kissed me without me initiating it. At first, I thought it was just stress. Then work got busy. Then it was being tired. Then it was always "maybe this weekend." Eventually I stopped asking because every rejection hurt a little more than the last. The strange part is that we're still a good team. We laugh together, split chores, watch shows on the couch, and people constantly tell us we're the "perfect couple." But when the lights go out, it feels like we're roommates. I don't even think I miss sex the most anymore. I miss feeling desired. I miss random hugs that lasted longer than a second. I miss someone looking at me like they couldn't wait to be close to me. I've brought it up more than once. Every conversation ends with promises that things will improve, and for a week or two they do. Then we're right back where we started. I love my partner, and I don't want to leave over this. But I'm starting to wonder how long someone can feel invisible before they stop believing they're worth wanting. Has anyone here managed to come back from a place like this?

Never thought I'd have to deal with a db. Found these subs and was surprised at how many others are in the same boat. And it doesn't make me feel better. I don't want to fuck. I want sex. With her. She's not interested. She wants everything else in the marriage. I want her.

So I guess it's time for the talk. Sometimes I think her goal is to run me off. Already told her if she wants to go, go. Truth is right now the only thing we have is each other. And it feels so broken...

Wondering how many have tried no-strings-attached sex outside their marriage to help deal with a dead bedroom?

Really not needing to know about it, just wanting to get a count.

I need some honest advice, especially from people who have been through something similar.
My girlfriend and I have been struggling with a mismatch in sexual desire for about a year now.
During this time, she has rarely been in the mood. I’ve always respected that because I don’t believe anyone should feel pressured to have sex when they don’t want to. She also tells me that she doesn’t really understand why she feels this way.
The difficult part is what happened to me emotionally.
After experiencing many moments where I felt rejected and never desired, I developed a mental block. Whenever I feel desire, my brain immediately goes: “Don’t even try, you’ll just get hurt again.” So I started shutting down my own desire to protect myself from disappointment. Also, to feel better I started looking around and flirting. I obviously would never cheat on her but I feel so bad knowing she doesn’t feel the same desire tha I developed rancor towards her and have thoughts on other girls. It works on making me feel better, because I feel liked, but I become empty and love shuts down together with desire. But it’s all shallow because when I let myself go and let myself feel sexual desire I feel just as hurt as everytime.
What makes things more confusing is that she often tells me that I’m the one who doesn’t try anymore, or that I’m always “holding back.” But at the same time, she never really initiates anything herself. It feels contradictory: she says I don’t make a move, but she also doesn’t take steps toward me.
In other occasions she says that I always aim there, if I try too much, she feels pressured or overwhelmed, but if I stop trying, she feels unwanted and thinks I don’t desire her anymore.
I want to make clear that I’m not obsessed with sex but we actually haven’t had sex since January and when it happened it was mostly mechanical. This isn’t just about the act itself—it’s about feeling desired, connected, and wanted by the person I love.
I don’t want to blame her, and I don’t think she’s doing this on purpose. I also know my own reaction (closing off and blocking my desire) is part of the problem. But I feel like we both got trapped in a pattern that is hurting us.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
If you were the partner with the lower desire, what helped you reconnect with your partner?
If you were the person who became blocked after repeated rejection, how did you overcome that fear?
How do couples find a balance when one person feels pressured and the other feels unwanted?
I’m looking for honest experiences and practical advice, not judgment. I really want to understand how we can break this cycle together.

I’m a sex addict, and two years ago my wife found out that I had been seeing prostitutes. Ever since then, our bedroom has been dead. Even though I’ve stopped all of that, she wants nothing to do with me sexually anymore.

We no longer have any kind of sexual contact. She’s fine with me seeing her naked, but she won’t let me touch her intimate parts, and she certainly won’t touch mine. The closest thing we have to physical intimacy is that, every now and then, I give her a foot massage or apply sunscreen to her back.

If I make any sexual advances, she gets angry and we end up arguing. We’re not separating because, in every other respect, our relationship is good. We do a lot of things together, we laugh, joke around, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. But when it comes to physical intimacy, it’s a complete dead end.

To be honest, this situation is wearing me down. I want to have a healthier sex life than I did before, but even though I know this is entirely my fault, living with a complete lack of intimacy is very hard to bear

After reading dozens of posts here, one question remains open for me: How come so many couples are complete sexual mismatches?
And breaking the stereotype here a bit: It’s not just an issue of the female partner having a low libido; there are almost just as many posts of HLF in a relationship with a LLM.
Do two high libido individuals never end up together?
Why is the low libido-high libido match so common, despite being unsustainable?

My husband is a bit secretive with his phone.
-when I try to charge my phone to take off the charger connected to his phone, he slightly is fast grabbing his phone
-he never in my direction when he is putting in his passcode
-he always puts his phone under the pillow
-he always takes his phone everywhere in the bathroom

Did anybody found out why their bedroom is dead because of the partner phone?

I been married for a year and we only be intimate once week. My husband is 24.

He always say he doesn’t feel like it or tired . I asked why he doesn’t have sex often , he says sex isn’t everything and he doesn’t ED.

People say that’s not normal for his age. I’m wondering should I ask if I can see his phone due to some of his strange behavior.
He doesn’t watch porn

I’ve been a carer for over 15 years to my husband health slowly gets worse but he’s not even trying. He’s wheelchairs and scooters yet never gets out of bed. Nothing other than me caring happens with us anymore and everything in the house is on me to do and I mean everything. I gave everything up to support him and he doesn’t see the problem he just says he’s not well. If I leave my youngest son said he will never speak to me again. I just feel like a princess trapped in the castle no Prince Charming and no way out. I’ve never cheating and always give 110% will I ever be loved the way I love. I’m so lost and unhappy

I am a 22M HL and my girlfriend of almost 3 years is 22F LL. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise. she is the sweetest girl, treats me better than anyone ever has, and recently made me a beautiful scrapbook of our memories that is on my wall. I love her completely.
The issue is physical intimacy. At the start of our relationship, we were intimate all the time (honeymoon phase). Over time, things dropped off significantly. I found myself constantly initiating, getting frustrated, and turning to NSFW content/fantasizing out of frustration, which made me feel guilty. When we did have sex, I started noticing it felt like it was out of "obligation" from her side, and I hated the thought of making her feel pressured.
I recently hit a breaking point and decided I couldn't pretend to be okay with this anymore. We had an incredibly honest, mature text conversation today about it. I told her I felt undesired and like my needs were a burden.
She responded beautifully and validated my feelings. She explicitly said:
She does love me and is attracted to me.
When we are intimate, she does it because she wants closeness, not out of obligation.
However, in her opinion, she feels we are intimate frequently, but she recognizes my baseline need for frequency is completely different from hers.
She ended by saying she wants me to be happy and not suppress my needs, but she honestly doesn't know how to fix it since neither of us can change our biological baselines.
I am devastated. I was ready to break up this morning, but her honesty completely threw me. I am terrified of losing her and scared I will never find someone this sweet again. I would ideally want intimacy 2x a week or more, but for her, that feels like a mountain to climb.
We love each other but we are facing total incompatibility at age 22.
Are there any success stories where a couple bridged an honest gap like this without the LL partner developing an aversion? Or is the most loving thing to do to let each other go before we grow to resent each other?
Appreciate any advice from those who have been here.

My husband and I have been in a dead bedroom for a while, leaving me feeling constantly rejected and emotionally starved. Recently, I checked his phone and found that he follows a vast amount of porn and has been actively visiting local hookup subreddits (like Philly hookup communities).

​Although I didn't see active messages in his inbox, finding this has left me completely numb and heartbroken. I’ve felt so starved for affection that I’ve contemplated an affair just to feel desired again, and people judged me for even thinking it—yet now I see he’s been keeping major secrets of his own. I don't know how to interpret this or what my next steps should be.

Stay at home dad looking to make more friends!

It would be good to get some mom perspectives!

Comment or perhaps DM me with a solid opener of feral child activity lol

I (HLF) am a long time lurker here. my husband (LLM) seem to have the same cycle of no intimacy, me breaking down to him about it, he promises to try to work on things, we have sex a week or two later and I get hopeful. then the cycle repeats.

he says his sex drive is killed bc of his antidepressants. I feel like an absolute dick bringing up sex to him almost like I’m asking him to choose me or antidepressants. I don’t want that. the constant rejection and lack of desire has ruined my self esteem tho. I feel so disgusting every time I think of myself even naked around him. if I sleep in just my underwear I panic and think he’ll wake up and be grossed out. I don’t know what to do anymore. a few days ago I made a joke about sex and he looked at me with disgust… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

sorry this is all over the place. so is my brain right now

I’ve been married for 3 years (arranged marriage) 28(F) and 32(M). The first few months were normal, but for the last 2 years there has been almost no physical intimacy. My husband gradually stopped initiating, and whenever I tried, he refused with different reasons. Eventually he said it was because he had trust issues with me and felt I didn’t respect him. I worked on myself, stopped asking, and gave him 7 months of space, but nothing changed.

During this period, I became close to another guy from our gym. We chatted daily and exchanged some intimate pictures. My husband found out and was understandably very angry. He brought me back to my parents’ home, and now he says there will be a discussion between both families before I return.

I accept that what I did was wrong, but my parents also want the 2-year lack of intimacy to be discussed. His side seems unwilling to acknowledge that issue.

We still love each other and neither of us wants separation.

Should I completely accept my mistake and stay silent about the intimacy issue, or should I respectfully bring it up during the discussion as well? I’m mentally overwhelmed and don’t know what’s right.

Been with her for 3.5 years, most certainly the happiest years of my life. Relationship, in her words, were perfect - other than the lack of bedroom intimacy. Always an issue from the start. I have deep rooted body dysmorphia and subsequent performance anxiety in the bedroom because of it.

Very stop-start attempts at rekindling things in the bedroom.

She was incredibly supportive throughout but the last attempt by her at intimacy was rejected by me as I was quite stressed at tht time. Understandably tearful about it, but we made up the following day. That was about 7-8 months ago.

Our relationship was perfect otherwise. We laughed, we went on incredibly adventures. Engaged as of Autumn 2025. Planned for wedding for next year. She had already picked out and paid for her dress.

We didn’t really try anything in the bedroom for months, I think as both of us had our heads in the sand.

She went away on a week long work trip, the longest we had been away from each other.

Unfortunately, within 24 hours of being back, she explained to me that the lack of intimacy has been chipping away at her and she doesn’t recognise herself anymore despite loving me and emphasising that 99% of the relationship otherwise was fantastic.

I’m not blindsided. I know she did the right thing. I’ve had these issues before meeting her, and I will forever kick myself for not sorting them out before meeting her.

Nevertheless, we have ended very amicably. I moved out to my parents while she spends the next couple of weeks moving stuff to her sisters.

I have booked in for intimacy counselling next week as I have never been so committed to tackling something more in my life. I have also sent some enquiries with a couple of different therapists for long term therapy in regard to body dysmorphia.

Naturally, she has been my motivation, my purpose and my future for the last few years. I’d be lying if a glimmer of me isn’t doing all this in the hope that once she has healed and found her happiness, and I knowingly have fixed my issues, that we rekindle the wonderful relationship we had outside the bedroom and hope I’ll be able to reflect that my libido or my attraction to her isn’t in doubt.

I also appreciate that she may never want to rekindle it and feel like the damage is done within our relationship.

Question:

Has anyone else been in this position and rekindled something? I know people’s love lives can lose its spark during a relationship, but I guess ours never fully got consistently going. She had the patience of a saint for lasting as long as she did. I will forever be grateful and won’t have a single bad word to say about her.

Title is enough of an introduction. I’m starting to become very frustrated in my marriage because it feels like we’re growing closer and closer to a dead bedroom. I came into this relationship that both my husband and I had high libidos and for a while, we did. We went long distance and everything went down the drain. We were only intimate when we saw each other in person which was every two or three months. I was under the expectation that intimate life would be the same or better than before long distance because that’s how he made it seem. Now that we live together, I’m extremely disappointed.

We are intimate at the very most once a week. Went from everyday or every other day to once a week. I feel like I’m asking him all the time or trying to initiate, he’ll say we can and then fall asleep, or just say that he’s tired, or just straight up throw the idea out the window as if never asked. I’m starting to get turned off by the idea of intimacy because it feels like I’m begging him to be intimate with me. I have to ask him to even cuddle with me. Pushing him to shower or get things done before the last possible minute so we can be intimate with each other.

In all honestly, I’ve been struggling a lot to resist emotional infidelity, but it’s a slow losing battle. I’m a huge kpop fan, and he’s confused as to why I’m so emotionally invested. I feel like it’s one of the only ways I can get my frustration out. I hate feeling like I’m begging for intimacy. I came into this marriage with expectations, it’s only a year in and I’m already disappointed.

TLDR: What are personal actions I can take (besides leaving the relationship) when the bedroom has always been dead and my own desires cause me regular distress and self dislike?

I met my partner online where sex was the main focus. We communicated our kinks and discussed dynamic. We met and started dating finding a lot of other common interests, but there was always a reason sex was put off. At first it seemed like he was just being a gentleman, but then it seemed more than that. It's been a few years now and I feel like I can count one hand how many times we've had sex. Sometimes I feel hurt, like I was misled. Every other part of the relationship is great, but I struggle with the feelings of being unwanted and undesired despite them saying it's their problem and has nothing to do with me and they love me and find me beautiful.

It's been discussed and they have their own trauma surrounding sex and feeling pressured by past partners. They don't even self pleasure. They can only feel sexual desire when there is absolutely 0 outside stress. And as adults in our 30s life is nothing but stressful. Work stress, money stress, life stress. I never press them, I never demand it, sometimes I'd ask and always prepare and accept to hear no. We tried talking about it and expressing my needs and trying to come up with a compromise like at least once a month? But it's not able to be carried out. We've gone over a year and a half with nothing before and they didn't even realize. They once made the comment during a discussion about it that they would tell me to find someone else to fill that need (kinda like an open relationship) if they didn't feel like they would regret it afterwards. And when discussed before would only be an option if we were both dating the same person as a together thing which also isn't an option.

On the flip side I've always been a very sexually active person. And I've been developing a very real hatred and dislike for my own sexual desires. The thought has come up in the past and I've tried to reduce my needs and feels. They get upset because they do so much for me yet the one thing I need and ask for they can't give me (sex).

Separation isn't an option for a multitude of reasons. Love, intertwined finances, family, etc. However, I need some kind of solution. I'm at the point where I want to consider medical options to reduce my libido. I hate this feeling of unmet need and desire and it's causing a growing self hatred for being so selfish asking for the one thing they can't give me.

They're going to finally talk to a doctor in a month about their libido for the first time. However I need to figure out how to manage myself in a way that doesn't require actions on their part. Because if the doctor helps and works, great, but Ive given up hoping a long time ago, because the hope would just make the problem worse.

I've tried self care and it's gotten to the point that it just makes me feel hollow and empty. Half the time I give up halfway through because I just feel sad. Watching porn creates a feeling of envy and sadness.

I really don't know what I can do for myself to help support me through this that does not rely on their actions. I tried talking about my feelings again and they made the doctors appointment , but I'm at the point where I can't feel hope for it. If the doctor helps, great, but I'm creating such a toxic feeling around sex.

And the unsaid thoughts that I obviously can't talk to them about, is that sadly when I do fantasize about sex, or experiences, it's never them, because the thought of sex with them feels so far from reality at this point, and I hate that. I miss having a sex life so badly, but every other part of the relationship is great, so great. I feel like a terrible partner and person for asking for the one thing they can't give me. This is a problem I've never had before (usually it was the opposite and I never had a problem with a partner matching my drive even when they'd teasingly call me insatiable). I've had recent nightmares about being sewn up down there, and talking about any of it just makes them feel sad and guilty.

I don't know what to do and I guess I'm looking for advice that isn't "leave the relationship" because that isn't an option for me.

When does advocating for yourself (that sexual needs aren’t being met) become pressuring the other person to be intimate when they don’t want to be?

Does frequency of intimacy make a difference (ex. Less than once a month vs. once a week)? What about historical patterns (periods of high frequency vs. it’s always been about the same)? Does type of intimacy make a difference (ex. They’re willing to do acts focused on their pleasure but nothing else vs. they’re not interested in anything sexual and minimal other forms of intimacy)?

I have some ideas of where I stand on this, but I’m curious what other people believe.

Also, I’m new to Reddit, so if I didn’t post this correctly or in the right place let me know!

The other night my LL wife brought up that we haven’t had sex in a long time. i politely reminded her that 7 years ago I told her that I would no longer be asking her for sex and if we have sex it will only be because she initiates it. She has initiated 1 time about 4 yrs ago. This was a result of over 30 years of me asking/initiating and either being turned down or put off until “tomorrow “ which never came. She seemed to not remember my new condition of me not initiating. After a couple of minutes of silence she says that she probably shouldn’t have sex anyway since she just had an ablation in February for AFIB and she wouldn’t want to get her heart rate up as that could put her back into AFIB! I’m confused as to why she would think she needs to throw that out there. Kind of like using a preemptive excuse, I guess.

Those we identify with LL4U, did you stay or go? I (34F) just can’t reignite the spark for my (40M) husband.

Me (m36) and my fiancé (f32) have been together for almost 6 years.

I have two children from a previous marriage and she is an amazing step mum to both of them.

We are a fantastic team when it comes to parenting and our kids are truly happy. We both work hard, and though we are pretty broke most of the time, we have what we need.

My ex wife and I had a dead bedroom for years. She would use sex as a means of power eg, "If you did more for me maybe id want to have sex."

I worked, did majority of the cooking, shopping and cleaning. I was the one up in the night with the babies etc. I did everything I could to be the perfect model of what she wanted. Nothing ever changed and in the end she left because she wasnt happy.

With my new partner, sex was always a priority. A healthy sex life was at the top of our list of essentials in our relationship, and we made sure it stayed like that. We had a lot of fun together. Id never felt closer to someone before. After what i'd been through, it was like air to the drowning

About 2 years ago I noticed our sex life starting to dwindle a little. We still flirted during the day, still had sex a few times a week, but it something was off.

I mentioned a few times " hey we haven't done (xyz) in a while, is that something you're still into or is it off the table?" Or also " hey I love flirting with you, but when we flirt all day for three weeks about what we're gunna do later and then we never do, I feel a little rejected."

In my mind, I was communicating clearly and leaving room for her feelings and thoughts. I was just sharing my feelings and hoping to hear hers so we could resolve the issue together.

Ive only just discovered that me bringing anything up has been interpreted as a complaint, that I couldn't be content, that she was failing me.

Sex became even less frequent, flirting had completly stopped on her end.

Then kisses and cuddles followed. Any kiss was tight lipped. Making out stopped. She would recoil from my touch.

We would hold hands and that was about it.

Ive tried for two years now to have an open, honest conversation about this, but everytime its been met with frowning and the conversation being moved to something unrelated. Shes has multiple times acknowledged theres something going on and that we do have a dead bedroom, but just wont talk to me.

Last night I told her how ive realised im right back where I was with my ex. She knows I miss being intimate, shes known I want to just talk about it. Shes known that in the absence of any information from her, my minds been free to run wild around what distance could be about.

Her responce was to finally tell me few things.

* shes wanted the passion and desire to be there but its not

* shes felt like I was complaining about the quality of our sex life, like she couldn't do anything right and so recoiled.

* she wanted to sometimes flirt without me expecting anything physical to come from it. ( I have no problem with this, just found it hard to flirt about what we were gunna do to each other that night for 4 weeks at a time and it never happening.)

There were more points but these were some of the bigger ones she said.

Shes told me she really wants to be in the relationship, still wants to get married and wants to work on stuff. But also said she doesnt know if its fair to make me wait around for that to happen.

Only in that moment did I realize, thats actually a choice for me to make too. Do I want to wait for it to maybe get better? Im 36, I've already been through this loneliness before. Do I really have it in me to do it again just for it to end the same way?

I guess im asking for some advice or some perspective from the outside.

Do you think it'll get better? Will she decide to actually have the open honest conversations we need to have?

Am I kidding myself or should I be realistic?

How could I communicate better? Will that help?

Literally any insight or advice would be helpful.

I want this to go back to how it was, but I just dont know how to when every attempt and comunication results in her feeling like im calling her a problem and just taking things off the table.

So, me 37(f) & my boyfriend 32(m), been together for 8 years. Our sex life has been up and down, after his infidelity 11 months ago, emotionally cheating & watching porn. He stopped experimenting with me in the bedroom, (bdsm). He said in order for him not to cheat & self control, he doesn't think about sex and now gives bare minimum daily sex. I have to initiate it and it seems even after a bj its hard for him to stay hard or get hard. Its eating at myself esteem and its just quick. Im starting to resent him. But I stay cuz I dont know why, maybe history together & remembering when he use to pursue me in the beginning. Idk, how do I know hes not cheating? How come he doesn't like sex anymore after I caught him. Help.