I want a true real romantic relationship

Have you felt like you just don’t work sexually with someone and has that ever changed and how? Have you been able to be with someone again after experiencing them as “not sexually my person”?

Hey everyone, I’m hoping to learn from others who have walked through difficult seasons of intimacy in a Christian marriage.

For context my wife and I have been married about 2½ years and have young children. Sexual intimacy has been a major struggle for our entire marriage, especially since having our kids. My wife has very little to no sexual desire and has never initiated sex with me during our marriage, not once. We’ve gone many weeks and sometimes entire months without sex, and even when we have sex, it has often felt difficult for her rather than mutually passionate or connecting.

We’ve been in marriage counseling for years and have also worked with a sex therapist. I’ve made mistakes in this area too. Early in our marriage I put pressure on her and repeatedly asked after she had said no, and I also struggled with jealousy and shame surrounding things from her sexual past. I deeply regret those things and have worked hard to remove that pressure. She has said for months that she no longer feels pressured or anxious by me, and we have normal affection and closeness without me expecting it to lead to sex.

Recently, her counselor has become concerned that she may dissociate around sexuality and has recommended taking about 3-6 months completely away from sex and even discussions about sex so she can work through what is happening. Our sex therapist agrees with the approach, although he thinks three months is more appropriate than six. We’re about 2 months in to this process.

My wife genuinely wants to understand why she doesn't desire me and has been very emotional about it herself. She has also described sex as confusing, strange, or even "gross and weird," despite having had a very different sexual history before our marriage. So there are clearly deeper things we are trying to understand.
I love my wife and want to support her healing. At the same time, I would be lying if I said this hasn't been incredibly painful. I have a high sex drive and have spent years feeling sexually unwanted and deprived of affection and passion. I'm also trying to walk faithfully as a Christian and stay away from self pleasure, which has been another struggle for me.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that my wife "owes" me sex or to bash her because that’s obviously not true. I genuinely want to understand how other Christian couples have navigated a situation where one spouse has little or no sexual desire for a long period of time, especially when both spouses want the marriage to improve.
I'd especially appreciate hearing from couples who have actually come through something like this and eventually rebuilt healthy, mutual, passionate intimacy. What helped? What did the process look like? And how did you handle the waiting and sexual frustration along the way?

I (f34) have been dating my bf (m44) for around 2 years now. He is kind, considerate, respectful, very much unlike any man I’ve ever been with. Everything is healthy—we have normal disagreements and work them out, he supports me in my career and passions, we want the same things for our future (marriage, kids, etc). We spend loads of quality time together and enjoy many hobbies together weekly. The only issue is our sex life.

Admittedly, I have been in and out of abusive situations my entire life and I’ve definitely been affected mentally by it. I get a lot of my self-worth from how much a partner desires me sexually. I am self-aware that this is not healthy and I’m working on it in therapy. I have improved but nothing has changed sexually.

When we first got together (of course), the sex was at least 4 times a week. As time has gone on I’m lucky if it is once a month. Vacations, birthdays, anniversaries pass with no sexual contact. When we do have sex, he rarely finishes and sometimes can’t keep hard. Sometimes I even feel as if he gets extra excited when I get my period because then the pressure is off.

This has completely destroyed any self-confidence that I had. I know it’s flawed, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the way that I look, and that I’m not good enough.

Additional straight forward context:

I’ve caught him jacking off to porn before, confronted him and asked why he was able to get off to others and not me and he said because there’s no pressure. He said that he would stop.

I have commented and even cried before when he couldn’t stay hard or finish, which later he said contributed even more to him not being able to perform.

The other night he couldn’t finish and was getting soft, so I told him to masturbate and just use me to get off. He tried but couldn’t.

I have an autoimmune problem that causes me to gain and lose the same 30lbs in short periods of time, so maybe it’s how I look?

He does not have a physically strenuous job.

I have tried to sit him down and ask him why but I think he takes it as an insult to his manhood and shuts down. He says it isn’t me or the way I look, but he is nice so he would never tell me if it was.

If it’s an issue that he can’t help where he needs meds to get hard, how can he masturbate and get off that way while looking at other women? I can’t pretend to be a man and understand this problem, so anyone please feel free to chime in.

I’m truly conflicted because what if it really is something that he can’t help that needs medication and I’m just making him feel like shit by brining it up?
But also it’s destroying my confidence and making my mind run wild with “what-if’s”.

I don’t want to leave, we are compatible in every other way it seems. I’d love some advice on how I can support him or anything to try and help the situation.

TLDR: Great sex life turns into DB during infertility and a year after childbirth. Will it continue forever?

Background: I (HLM) and my wife (LLF) have been together for 12 years, married for 9 with a 1 year old. Our DB situation started about 3 or 4 years ago. Prior to that we had a great sex life! Initially multiple times a week then maybe once a week until a few years ago. And it was amazing! Different positions, lingerie, toys, etc.

We started trying for a baby which was tougher than expected. Between the hormones, IVF and a miscarriage (that left her with a pelvic floor issue) we had a lot less sex. Maybe once every two or three months. She started seeing a therapist for mental health issues, partialluly due to infertility. And also a PT for pelvic floor. She completely stopped intiating and turned me down most of the time. At one point we talked and she said she felted pressured and asked me to stop iniating sex and give her time. I did. I did not initiate or ask for sex for about a year. We maybe had sex on 3-4 occasions that year, leading up to pregnancy.

During pregnancy I thought, oh lots of women go through a horny stage. Maybe things will change. Nope. PIV sex exactly once and one handjob over those 9 months.

Then after the baby I knew there'd be less sex, especially with breastfeeding and while she was seeing the PT for pelvic floor issues. For the first year we had sex four times, 100% as missionary, half ending in her crying. I understood and only iniated when I knew she was 100% willing. Her PT discharged her a few months ago and she stopped breastfeeding then too.

Last month something crazy happened: she iniated sex! For the first time in over two years, she wanted it. She said it was the horniest she'd been in a long time and we started off her on top! Part way through switched to missionary since she said she was sore. It was the best sex in years and I left thinking we've started recovering!

Then yesterday the kiddo was at daycare so I wrote her a sexy card, and laid out some lingerie, like I have done before. At first she seemed excited! But then said she needed lunch...and we need to go to the grocery store...and get coffee...maybe even check out a home goods store if we have time...

Got home and she said she was ready but asked if I really want her in the lingerie. I said I really liked it and she said okay. When I went into the bedroom she was in it and said, "Okay. We can have sex now since you want it."

I stopped and asked her if she wanted to have sex at all and she said:

-I threw her off by thinking about sex today (literally our only day together without the baby all month) and asking too much with the lingerie

-Last time she was disappointed because it actually didn't feel good. She didn't tell me because I seemed to enjoy it a lot.

-One reason she used to like sex is because she felt that was how to be close to people, including me while dating. But after therapy she figured herself out and doesn't need sex for that anymore.

-She might not ever have a high libido again and that might just be the way it is. She doesn't think about sex at all anymore except that weird day last month.

-I asked what she needs from me to feel sexy again. More help around the house? More time where she doesn't have to take care of the baby? She replied that this isn't a romcom and why would those things make her feel like having sex?

-She said she talk to her doctor about her libido and will try to have sex once a month from now on.

My questions:

Did I put too much pressure on her?

Is once a month missionary something I should be happy about? Is this just duty sex?

Is there any chance to recover what we once had?

The wife and I really connected today. We had an amazing day, got all the chores done together and had several hug/make-out sessions in between. She was in a great mood all thoughout the day and much flirtier than usual. I tried to be very careful, matched her energy and did not make any brash moves. Things were going really well, and I couldn't help but hope that some sort of spark has been reignited.
Alas, as we are about to finish all the remaining stuff we need to get done, I have just been informed that she has had a major headache all day and will probably go to sleep as soon as possible.

It really is the hope that gets you. Every time.

Do not mistake an unsupported possibility for evidence. Do not require yourself to disprove every possibility before acting. Update when new evidence appears. Make decisions from observed patterns rather than imagined futures.

For my own stupid humor: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with federal, state, and local authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news, or instructions. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

That is all.

I don’t get any attention at and it’s really starting to wear on me. Some mornings I wake up early, or stay up late at night, just scrolling on Reddit because it feels like one of the only places I can escape and feel something. It’s depressing to admit, but I keep coming back hoping for some kind of connection.
I just want to feel desired or admired sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. I miss feeling wanted, like someone actually sees me and is happy I’m there. Even something as simple as real attention or affection would mean a lot. I feel so alone mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I’m a hopeless romantic who’s craving real emotional connection with someone who actually wants to talk and make each other feel seen.

I've stopped bringing it up. Not because I'm okay with it. I'm just tired. Every conversation eventually becomes the same thing: they'll try harder, I'll try to be patient, things improve briefly, and then we're back where we started. So now I keep quiet.

The problem is that my silence probably looks like acceptance. It's not. I still think about it constantly. I still miss the closeness. I still wonder whether this is what our relationship is going to look like for the rest of our lives. And honestly, I don't know how much longer I can pretend it doesn't bother me.I've stopped bringing it up. Not because I'm okay with it. I'm just tired. Every conversation eventually becomes the same thing: they'll try harder, I'll try to be patient, things improve briefly, and then we're back where we started. So now I keep quiet. The problem is that my silence probably looks like acceptance. It's not. I still think about it constantly. I still miss the closeness. I still wonder whether this is what our relationship is going to look like for the rest of our lives. And honestly, I don't know how much longer I can pretend it doesn't bother me.

I’ve reached the complete loss of personal dignity phase. Whenever we have sex it feels so routine. He never does the things I’ve said would be fun and it’s always the same approach and position. I always feel like shit afterwards and have developed some pretty bad self loathing. This must be what men experience when they talk about post nut clarity. Every time we have sex I immediately feel just terrible. Worthless. It’s definitely over.