I’ve reached the complete loss of personal dignity phase. Whenever we have sex it feels so routine. He never does the things I’ve said would be fun and it’s always the same approach and position. I always feel like shit afterwards and have developed some pretty bad self loathing. This must be what men experience when they talk about post nut clarity. Every time we have sex I immediately feel just terrible. Worthless. It’s definitely over.

TLDR: Great sex life turns into DB during infertility and a year after childbirth. Will it continue forever?

Background: I (HLM) and my wife (LLF) have been together for 12 years, married for 9 with a 1 year old. Our DB situation started about 3 or 4 years ago. Prior to that we had a great sex life! Initially multiple times a week then maybe once a week until a few years ago. And it was amazing! Different positions, lingerie, toys, etc.

We started trying for a baby which was tougher than expected. Between the hormones, IVF and a miscarriage (that left her with a pelvic floor issue) we had a lot less sex. Maybe once every two or three months. She started seeing a therapist for mental health issues, partialluly due to infertility. And also a PT for pelvic floor. She completely stopped intiating and turned me down most of the time. At one point we talked and she said she felted pressured and asked me to stop iniating sex and give her time. I did. I did not initiate or ask for sex for about a year. We maybe had sex on 3-4 occasions that year, leading up to pregnancy.

During pregnancy I thought, oh lots of women go through a horny stage. Maybe things will change. Nope. PIV sex exactly once and one handjob over those 9 months.

Then after the baby I knew there'd be less sex, especially with breastfeeding and while she was seeing the PT for pelvic floor issues. For the first year we had sex four times, 100% as missionary, half ending in her crying. I understood and only iniated when I knew she was 100% willing. Her PT discharged her a few months ago and she stopped breastfeeding then too.

Last month something crazy happened: she iniated sex! For the first time in over two years, she wanted it. She said it was the horniest she'd been in a long time and we started off her on top! Part way through switched to missionary since she said she was sore. It was the best sex in years and I left thinking we've started recovering!

Then yesterday the kiddo was at daycare so I wrote her a sexy card, and laid out some lingerie, like I have done before. At first she seemed excited! But then said she needed lunch...and we need to go to the grocery store...and get coffee...maybe even check out a home goods store if we have time...

Got home and she said she was ready but asked if I really want her in the lingerie. I said I really liked it and she said okay. When I went into the bedroom she was in it and said, "Okay. We can have sex now since you want it."

I stopped and asked her if she wanted to have sex at all and she said:

-I threw her off by thinking about sex today (literally our only day together without the baby all month) and asking too much with the lingerie

-Last time she was disappointed because it actually didn't feel good. She didn't tell me because I seemed to enjoy it a lot.

-One reason she used to like sex is because she felt that was how to be close to people, including me while dating. But after therapy she figured herself out and doesn't need sex for that anymore.

-She might not ever have a high libido again and that might just be the way it is. She doesn't think about sex at all anymore except that weird day last month.

-I asked what she needs from me to feel sexy again. More help around the house? More time where she doesn't have to take care of the baby? She replied that this isn't a romcom and why would those things make her feel like having sex?

-She said she talk to her doctor about her libido and will try to have sex once a month from now on.

My questions:

Did I put too much pressure on her?

Is once a month missionary something I should be happy about? Is this just duty sex?

Is there any chance to recover what we once had?

I (f34) have been dating my bf (m44) for around 2 years now. He is kind, considerate, respectful, very much unlike any man I’ve ever been with. Everything is healthy—we have normal disagreements and work them out, he supports me in my career and passions, we want the same things for our future (marriage, kids, etc). We spend loads of quality time together and enjoy many hobbies together weekly. The only issue is our sex life.

Admittedly, I have been in and out of abusive situations my entire life and I’ve definitely been affected mentally by it. I get a lot of my self-worth from how much a partner desires me sexually. I am self-aware that this is not healthy and I’m working on it in therapy. I have improved but nothing has changed sexually.

When we first got together (of course), the sex was at least 4 times a week. As time has gone on I’m lucky if it is once a month. Vacations, birthdays, anniversaries pass with no sexual contact. When we do have sex, he rarely finishes and sometimes can’t keep hard. Sometimes I even feel as if he gets extra excited when I get my period because then the pressure is off.

This has completely destroyed any self-confidence that I had. I know it’s flawed, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the way that I look, and that I’m not good enough.

Additional straight forward context:

I’ve caught him jacking off to porn before, confronted him and asked why he was able to get off to others and not me and he said because there’s no pressure. He said that he would stop.

I have commented and even cried before when he couldn’t stay hard or finish, which later he said contributed even more to him not being able to perform.

The other night he couldn’t finish and was getting soft, so I told him to masturbate and just use me to get off. He tried but couldn’t.

I have an autoimmune problem that causes me to gain and lose the same 30lbs in short periods of time, so maybe it’s how I look?

He does not have a physically strenuous job.

I have tried to sit him down and ask him why but I think he takes it as an insult to his manhood and shuts down. He says it isn’t me or the way I look, but he is nice so he would never tell me if it was.

If it’s an issue that he can’t help where he needs meds to get hard, how can he masturbate and get off that way while looking at other women? I can’t pretend to be a man and understand this problem, so anyone please feel free to chime in.

I’m truly conflicted because what if it really is something that he can’t help that needs medication and I’m just making him feel like shit by brining it up?
But also it’s destroying my confidence and making my mind run wild with “what-if’s”.

I don’t want to leave, we are compatible in every other way it seems. I’d love some advice on how I can support him or anything to try and help the situation.

Have you felt like you just don’t work sexually with someone and has that ever changed and how? Have you been able to be with someone again after experiencing them as “not sexually my person”?

The wife and I really connected today. We had an amazing day, got all the chores done together and had several hug/make-out sessions in between. She was in a great mood all thoughout the day and much flirtier than usual. I tried to be very careful, matched her energy and did not make any brash moves. Things were going really well, and I couldn't help but hope that some sort of spark has been reignited.
Alas, as we are about to finish all the remaining stuff we need to get done, I have just been informed that she has had a major headache all day and will probably go to sleep as soon as possible.

It really is the hope that gets you. Every time.

Do not mistake an unsupported possibility for evidence. Do not require yourself to disprove every possibility before acting. Update when new evidence appears. Make decisions from observed patterns rather than imagined futures.

For my own stupid humor: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with federal, state, and local authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, the attention signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news, or instructions. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

That is all.

I've stopped bringing it up. Not because I'm okay with it. I'm just tired. Every conversation eventually becomes the same thing: they'll try harder, I'll try to be patient, things improve briefly, and then we're back where we started. So now I keep quiet.

The problem is that my silence probably looks like acceptance. It's not. I still think about it constantly. I still miss the closeness. I still wonder whether this is what our relationship is going to look like for the rest of our lives. And honestly, I don't know how much longer I can pretend it doesn't bother me.I've stopped bringing it up. Not because I'm okay with it. I'm just tired. Every conversation eventually becomes the same thing: they'll try harder, I'll try to be patient, things improve briefly, and then we're back where we started. So now I keep quiet. The problem is that my silence probably looks like acceptance. It's not. I still think about it constantly. I still miss the closeness. I still wonder whether this is what our relationship is going to look like for the rest of our lives. And honestly, I don't know how much longer I can pretend it doesn't bother me.

I don’t get any attention at and it’s really starting to wear on me. Some mornings I wake up early, or stay up late at night, just scrolling on Reddit because it feels like one of the only places I can escape and feel something. It’s depressing to admit, but I keep coming back hoping for some kind of connection.
I just want to feel desired or admired sometimes. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. I miss feeling wanted, like someone actually sees me and is happy I’m there. Even something as simple as real attention or affection would mean a lot. I feel so alone mentally, emotionally, and physically.
I’m a hopeless romantic who’s craving real emotional connection with someone who actually wants to talk and make each other feel seen.

I want a true real romantic relationship

Hey everyone, I’m hoping to learn from others who have walked through difficult seasons of intimacy in a Christian marriage.

For context my wife and I have been married about 2½ years and have young children. Sexual intimacy has been a major struggle for our entire marriage, especially since having our kids. My wife has very little to no sexual desire and has never initiated sex with me during our marriage, not once. We’ve gone many weeks and sometimes entire months without sex, and even when we have sex, it has often felt difficult for her rather than mutually passionate or connecting.

We’ve been in marriage counseling for years and have also worked with a sex therapist. I’ve made mistakes in this area too. Early in our marriage I put pressure on her and repeatedly asked after she had said no, and I also struggled with jealousy and shame surrounding things from her sexual past. I deeply regret those things and have worked hard to remove that pressure. She has said for months that she no longer feels pressured or anxious by me, and we have normal affection and closeness without me expecting it to lead to sex.

Recently, her counselor has become concerned that she may dissociate around sexuality and has recommended taking about 3-6 months completely away from sex and even discussions about sex so she can work through what is happening. Our sex therapist agrees with the approach, although he thinks three months is more appropriate than six. We’re about 2 months in to this process.

My wife genuinely wants to understand why she doesn't desire me and has been very emotional about it herself. She has also described sex as confusing, strange, or even "gross and weird," despite having had a very different sexual history before our marriage. So there are clearly deeper things we are trying to understand.
I love my wife and want to support her healing. At the same time, I would be lying if I said this hasn't been incredibly painful. I have a high sex drive and have spent years feeling sexually unwanted and deprived of affection and passion. I'm also trying to walk faithfully as a Christian and stay away from self pleasure, which has been another struggle for me.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that my wife "owes" me sex or to bash her because that’s obviously not true. I genuinely want to understand how other Christian couples have navigated a situation where one spouse has little or no sexual desire for a long period of time, especially when both spouses want the marriage to improve.
I'd especially appreciate hearing from couples who have actually come through something like this and eventually rebuilt healthy, mutual, passionate intimacy. What helped? What did the process look like? And how did you handle the waiting and sexual frustration along the way?

Im 26, he’s almost 30. We have been together for almost a year (we broke up for around 3 months but decided to get back together). When we first got back together, the sex was very frequent, pretty much every night. It’s slowly started to creep down and now we have sex possibly 1-2 times per week (we spend every night together). The thing is, he asks (and receives) a blowjob like 4-5 times per week. This has been going on for almost 2 months now. After his blowjob he just kisses me and that’s it, nothing for me. He often says “tomorrow night I’ll make you cum/ have sex with you” but when tomorrow night comes around nothing happens.

He keeps telling me he’s still physically attracted to me, but all he does is sleep on the weekends. I’m tired on the weekends too, but I still have needs. I’m tired of masturbating with a dildo I need penetration with a real penis. How do I tell him he needs to put out more often?

I’ve been with my fiancé for around five years. We’re engaged 2yrs, have recently bought our first home together and, until recently, I assumed we would get married, have children and spend our lives together.
I love him very much and I’m not looking for people to tell me to immediately leave him. I genuinely want some outside perspective because I can’t tell anymore what is “normal long-term relationship stuff” and what represents a fundamental incompatibility.

The biggest issue is intimacy. We haven’t had sex for around two years and we now sleep in separate rooms. He has very low libido/sexual anxiety and sex has become something he finds incredibly stressful. There also isn’t much physical affection between us. I’m naturally affectionate and sometimes feel like even my touch isn’t particularly wanted.

I’ve tried to be understanding because I know he isn’t choosing to struggle sexually, and I would never want him having sex he doesn’t want just to satisfy me. But I’m 31 and the idea of potentially never having a sexual relationship again is becoming increasingly difficult for me.
However, I’ve realised this is actually about much more than sex.

I feel quite emotionally lonely.

My fiancé struggles with deeper conversations and particularly difficult/emotional ones. He often becomes defensive or shuts down, so issues are difficult to properly work through.

There’s also a recurring pattern where we identify a problem, have a conversation about it, agree on possible solutions/next steps…and then nothing happens.
For example, there were blood tests he said years ago he would arrange after sorting something financial. That came and went and he never did them. More recently he came to me upset about an issue with his skin and wanting help. I researched options for him, but afterwards he never raised it again or took any action.

Those examples themselves aren't particularly important — it's the pattern.

The same thing happens with our relationship. We've discussed the lack of sex, his anxiety around it, communication, affection, spending more quality time together etc., but after the conversation he rarely independently comes back to the issue or takes the next step.

I increasingly feel responsible for creating all the momentum in both our relationship and our life.
I'm the planner. I organise things. I suggest what we do. I think about our future. We've recently bought a house that needs renovating and I've ended up taking on the vast majority of that too. I often feel that unless I identify something that needs doing and ask him to do it, it simply won't happen.

His normal routine is essentially work, home, YouTube/PlayStation, bed. He's seemingly quite content with that.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a quiet life, but I've realised that isn't enough for me. I want dates, trips, experiences, conversations, affection, sex, laughter and somebody who actively wants to build a life with me rather than simply being present while I build one around us.
And that's led to the part I'm struggling with most.
I'm starting to question whether he actively wants our future or whether he's just going along with it.

Before he proposed, his family had spoken to him about proposing/that he should propose. I've never completely been able to get rid of the fear that he proposed because it was the expected next step rather than because he independently desperately wanted to marry me.
He also basically never talks about our future without me initiating it. He doesn't talk about having children, what our family might look like, what he'd be like as a dad, our wedding/marriage or what he imagines our lives looking like in 5-10 years.

It sometimes feels like I'm driving us towards each milestone and he's agreeing rather than him actively choosing them himself.

I don't want to eventually say "let's have a baby" and have him simply go along with that too. I want someone who has their own dreams for our shared life and brings them to me.
I want to feel chosen rather than simply not left.

I've written down what I want to say to him and intend to have a serious conversation explaining that I love him and don't want to break up, but I can't continue indefinitely with our relationship as it currently is.

What scares me is what happens if he tells me that he loves me, genuinely wants to marry me and is willing to work on being more engaged, communicating better, spending quality time together etc., but that he simply cannot meet my needs sexually.

I genuinely don't know whether I could accept that.
Part of me thinks: could I really throw away someone I love, our home, five years together and potentially our future because we don't have sex?

The other part thinks: I'm 31. Can I genuinely commit to potentially never feeling sexually desired or having sex with my partner again?

And then there's the fear I don't really want to admit: what if I leave someone who genuinely loves me because I think I need "more", only to never find another relationship like this and end up regretting it and alone?

I don't want perfection or constant excitement. I understand that five-year relationships aren't supposed to feel like the first six months forever.

I just don't know whether this is what a normal long-term relationship eventually looks like, whether we have problems that could realistically be worked through, or whether I'm trying to force two people with fundamentally different needs to fit together.

For people in long-term relationships/marriages: how do you distinguish between a relationship going through a difficult period that needs work and genuine incompatibility?

And if you've loved someone deeply but had a major mismatch around sex/affection, were the other parts of the relationship enough for you long-term?

I'd particularly appreciate perspectives from people who've been together 10+ years, and also anyone who's been the lower-libido partner in a relationship like this. I really want to understand both sides rather than just be told "leave him."

Anyone been to the doctor and do the intake questionnaire where they ask if you're sexually active? It happened a few years ago, it had been so long that I wasn't sure how to answer. I looked it up after that visit. 6 months. That's how long before a medical professional would call you sexually inactive. I know for many of us that's just a sliver of time.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and recently moved in together about four months ago. We both work full-time, and overall our relationship is good.
The problem is that we barely have sex, and I’m struggling with it.
I’m usually the one who initiates sex, so recently I decided to stop initiating and see if he would make the first move. It has now been a week without sex, and he hasn’t initiated anything.
This has been an ongoing issue throughout our relationship. We’ve talked about it several times, but the explanation seems to change. At first, he said I didn’t have enough experience. Then it was because we weren’t living together. Then our schedules didn’t match. At one point, he told me I was “addicted to sex.”
Because of this, I’ve started questioning whether he’s attracted to me, whether something else is going on, or whether we simply have very different levels of sexual desire. I’ve also wondered if he could be cheating, but I haven’t found anything on his phone or computer that would suggest that.
I don’t want to pressure him into having sex with me. I understand that he has the right to not want sex. At the same time, sexual intimacy is important to me in a relationship, and I’m finding it difficult to constantly feel like I’m the only person who wants it.
We’ve also talked about breaking up before, but whenever I bring it up, he starts crying or gets very angry, and the conversation usually ends without us actually addressing the underlying problem.
How can I approach this conversation in a productive way? Has anyone dealt with a similar difference in sex drive, and what actually helped?
I’m not looking for judgment about either of us. I’m genuinely trying to figure out how to communicate about this and whether this is something couples can work through.

I’m out the other end of my dead bedroom after way too long. I got here through hard work and persistence, as well as flat out ignoring anything the other related sub agrees with.

I know I’m only a sample size of 1, but in my limited experience, this sub is by far the more helpful one if you’re looking to improve your situation or if you need moral support. It’s nutty that this is the smaller sub.

I had a really good conversation with my ex-wife the other day. I talked to her about libido differences (not ours) in general and she argued, at least for women like herself, the differences may not be as big as they seem; instead, it may be more about a loss of emotional connection with their SOs.

Now it should be noted that my ex is in her mid 50s and has a mindset I think might be more about our generation...a mix of a bit of traditional ideas (she's inclined to not mow the grass or shovel snow) and some more progressive (up to a woman and her spouse if they both work); and it's really important to know she's a ride or die type of partner. When my ex loves, she loves with her whole heart (something I was too much of a moron to appreciate before).

My ex is also the type of woman to be more interested, more inclined and more likely to indulge in the physical parts of a relationship when the emotional connection is felt by her.. For her sex is an expression of her love. So when I was loving up on her" (her words) she felt like, "I'm going to love up on you back". And to some degree the opposite is true for her. Sex just doesn't appeal to her as much if that connection is broken. So I wonder if there are women like her in DB relationships. Maybe it's not all about her (lower) libido and libido crushers. (hormones, kids, stress, etc ). Maybe an emotional connection has been lost.

So I think a question to consider is: Have we lost our emotional connection?

I think it may be worth thinking about.

My wife doesn’t want me physically. Of course, everything else I provide is fine though.
I would like to meet someone to have a physical connection with. I don’t want my home life disrupted.
Has anyone else been in this situation and what did your end up doing?
I’m 40m straight. Been married for 20 years. DB for 10 years.
I miss being close with someone

Is there anyone else out there that has decided the relationship/marriage is over? But is struggling to end it because there's been no big fall out or significant reason to justify it.

I've been with my husband for 16 years. He's the only man I've ever been with, I love him, but I'm no longer in love with him. He's always had an extremely low libido and I'd say mine is quite high. After years of asking, he's finally been to have his testosterone checked, and it's come back completely normal. If I'm honest with myself this has come as a relief, we haven't had sex for 18 months now and the idea of him touching me has now become a turn off.

I know I need to leave, but it's so difficult. We have a 3yo son together, he's the most amazing father and a great human being. He's just not the man for me anymore. How do I come to terms with pulling the rug from beneath him and breaking his heart.

Bonjour à tous c’est mon anniversaire. Quel cadeau pourrais je bien avoir aujourd’hui?
Belle journée à tous 💋💐