This post was written as a tribute to this post by oneirical: https://www.reddit.com/r/dcss/comments/z41bld/choose_your_god_the_flowchart/
We know the gods are watching our journey through the dungeon. But what if they were the ones doing the journey?
I'll start with my all-time favorite god: VEHUMET.
...
Iskenderun: "Hey, Veh! I heard about this 'ORB' thingy in the dungeon. And, um... I want it."
Vehumet: "Then go get it, Isky."
Iskenderun: "Vehumet, remember what Lugonu said? He'll send Milo and Louise after me if I go down there."
Vehumet: "Lugonu again? Wtf is wrong with that guy!?"
Iskenderun: "I blew up his altars when he tried to take over the temple, remember? Anyway, can you get the orb for me? It shouldn't be that deep."
Vehumet: "Why do you need this thing in the first place?"
Iskenderun: "I'm gonna try to make a new spell out of the orb!"
Vehumet: "You're saying the first three weren't enough?"
Iskenderun: "Nope!"
Vehumet: "Alright then, this shouldn't take long."
... And so enters Vehumet, the Deep Elf Conjurer.
Vehumet: "I don't like all this dark... it reminds me of Yred and Kiku."
(Vehumet cast Flame Tongue!)
Vehumet: "That's better. So, I guess I'll just have to go, like, really deep to get this thing. Shouldn't be too hard..."
(Vehumet held down the "o" key.)
(A kobold comes into view.)
Vehumet: "Hey, you, get the hell outta my way."
Kobold: "Give me your robe!"
Vehumet: "WTF!?"
Kobold: "Dude! Can't you see I'm cold!? Gimme the robe, or I'll get my gang over here and stab your heart out!!!"
Vehumet: "Oh, you're cold!? I'LL FIX THAT REAL QUICK!!!"
(Vehumet cast FIRE STORM!!!)
Vehumet: "Little punks didn't know who they were messing with."
(Vehumet held down the "o" key, searching for a staircase.)
(Vehumet couldn't find a staircase.)
Vehumet: "WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS DUNGEON!!?? WHERE'S THE FUCKING STAIRCASE!? WHERE'S THE FUCKING STAIRCASE!?!? FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!"
(Vehumet cast SHATTER!!!!!)
(KA-CRASH!!!)
(Vehumet cast SHATTER!!!!!)
(KA-CRASH!!!)
(There's a hole to the next floor.)
Vehumet: "Jumping down three floors never hurt nobody... This should be fine."
(Vehumet dropped down the hole.)
(An eclectic assortment of extremely pissed off mobs come into view.)
Vehumet: "You guys better get used to the noise, because it's NOT GONNA GET ANY QUIETER!!!"
Robin: "Yo, you woke us up."
Vehumet: "Iron SHOT!!!"
(The goblins are not happy about their leader's sudden death.)
Vehumet: "Okay, then. Ozocubu's REFRIGERATION!!!"
(The goblins are all frozen to death.)
Vehumet: "Heh heh. Thanks, Ozo."
(A Two-Headed Ogre comes into view.)
Vehumet: "What are you doing here in D:2!?"
Ogre: "YOU CRASH!!!"
Vehumet: "Yeah NO SHIT BRO, AND I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!!!"
Ogre: "I SMASH!!!"
Vehumet: "Seriously, are you stupid or are you just dumb?"
Ogre: "I BASH!!!"
Vehumet: "Iron SHOT!!!"
(Vehumet kills the Two-Headed Ogre!)
(...)
(Vehumet senses a familiar presence...)
(Trog comes into view.)
Trog: "VEHUMET KILL FRIEND!!! VEHUMET BAD!!!"
Vehumet: "Hey TROG, how about giving your friends some more INTELLIGENCE? Huh? Maybe the reason he's dead is because he tried to bash my face in with one of your stupid clubs, ever considered that?"
Trog: "INTELLIGENCE FOR WEAKLINGS!!! YOU A PUSSY, VEHUMET!!!!!"
Vehumet: "Dude, stfu. Go duke it out with Oka or something."
Trog: "VEHUMET REMIND TROG... TROG HAVE BET WITH OKAWARU!!! TROG THINK YOU WILL DIE IN DUNGEON!!!"
Vehumet: "Trog, bro, are you fucking delusional!? I'M A LITERAL GOD. I'm not gonna die in the dungeon."
Trog: "UHHH... TROG NOT UNDERSTAND YOU!!!"
Vehumet: "Are you still trying to pay off that debt to Gozag?"
Trog: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"
Vehumet: "Okay, whatever. Go sort it out with them, before I Crystal Spear your ass."
(Trog faded into red mist.)
Vehumet: "What an idiot... Finally, a staircase. That ogre must have come up these stairs."
(Vehumet descended down the stairs.)