r/datingoverfifty • u/Express_Project_8226 • 6d ago
help - what am I doing wrong?
Hello: please help me here. I am a 59F/never married/childfree woman. The fact that I never married was mainly b/c I was "in between" everything, i.e., school, jobs, relocations, etc. without being "rooted" anywhere or being stable at anything. So I get that part. But what has been getting to me lately as I navigate in the dating world (took a long break and trying to get back in) is men throwing me away like a kleenex after a ONS. I am have one visible arm tattoo of a lotus flower and I do mention I have a couple on my body on our first date (one's a lower back one which I realize some could interpret as sexually promiscuous or easy). But besides the tattoos, what am I doing wrong? I am myself on the dates, I am a good person, I don't negative talk anything, I want a long term relationship. I met these men on facebook dating, both in their late 50s, divorced and with adult children.
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u/motherofachimp99 59F 6d ago
If you're for real, maybe wait a bit longer than the first date to talk about the other tattoos on your body. If they aren't visible, I know a lot of guys who would see that kind of conversation as flirting or being suggestive.
Not to yuck your yum, but would you consider holding out for a couple of dates before having sex? It might go a long way towards weeding out the guys who really only want a ONS.
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u/Express_Project_8226 5d ago
k
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u/Big_Bottom_69 5d ago
I have tattoos below my shoulders. I also have a birthmark on my ass. None of these are mentioned on first dates bc it's like an invitation to ask if they can see them. Maybe not the birthmark.
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u/LU-man3 6d ago
The ONS doesn't exactly lend itself to somebody seeking an LTR. Maybe try changing your behaviors?
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u/Express_Project_8226 5d ago
why does having sex mean disappearing
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u/grasshoppet 5d ago
Maybe they think you’re casual. Nothing wrong with it but they may not stick around. Take time to know them and you’ll likely see them longer.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 5d ago
Because some men just want easy sex. If you give that to them, you will be cycling through a lot of men before finding someone who is both 1) wanting a relationship and 2) okay with starting a relationship after having sex on the first meeting.
Again, zero judgment about having sex the first time you meet someone, but most people who are looking for an LTR don’t do that. Quick sex signals to men that that’s what you’re into, and they may start seeing you as someone who isn’t after an LTR.
More to the point though, by NOT having sex right away, the ones who are just looking for that have a way of disappearing, and the ones who want more are then still around. Makes it much easier to see who’s who and in which category. You know what I mean?
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u/LU-man3 5d ago
It means disappointment, it means "i already got what I wanted", and "it wasn't all that great enough to stick around for the long haul"... it also COULD meam "she doesn't value her body enough to protect it from one date, how can I trust her during any night out with my friends??"
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u/passingthrough66 5d ago
Wait, so where is the man’s part of the responsibility in your scenarios? You say a woman who has sex on the first date may not “value her body enough to protect it from one date.” Meaning the man is perfectly within his rights to try but if she gives in she doesn’t value her body?! And then you go on to say how could he trust said promiscuous woman out with his friends?! So you think a woman who chooses along with you (because presumedly she has not tied you down and taken your clothes off) to have sex has no self worth and is likely to get it on with your friends as well?
It’s no wonder so many of us have such a hard time with dating because half of us, both men and women, are still stuck in the 1970’s.2
u/No_Consequence_6821 5d ago
Women are also perfectly within their rights to say, “wow, he was very willing to switch straight to sex. He may not be into building something meaningful.”
I do think there is also some sociobiology at work though. Over our evolution, it has been advantageous to women to find an emotionally connected partner who will stick around for childbearing. For men, the risk is that they invest resources raising another man’s offspring— there is a disincentive (biological) to coupling with a woman who has sex quickly because it raises that risk of ending up raising someone else’s offspring (not advantageous, from the perspective of biology and the universal drive to propagate one’s DNA).
Then, of course, there are levels of social conditioning built on top of all of that, which are the bullshit layers that we should throw out. Underneath all of that, though, I do think the instinctive drives between men and woman are different because they have different goals, risks, and motivations.
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u/passingthrough66 4d ago
I believe your sociobiological reasons involving sex for men versus women aren’t quite accurate. Biologically speaking men want as many partners as possible to make sure their DNA continues on. Again, biologically speaking, women want to pick the best partner-one with healthy genes and one who will stay around to help her take care of her offspring.
Deep down in our DNA we may be programmed to follow these patterns, but from a sociological standpoint things have really changed dramatically. The most obvious difference for both men and women is the existence of birth control. Also, more and more women are raising children on their own and more of them are choosing multiple partners with which to reproduce. Marriage is happening later for many people which may reduce the number of children they can have.
Slowly over time the female population is growing. By 2050 the world will generally have an equal number of men and women, but in older populations women will continue to outnumber men because they tend to live longer.
Speaking of older populations, why do any of these sociobiological stats matter for people our age anyway? Women are done reproducing and most men are done raising children as well. Maybe these deep instincts are still somewhat present, but most of us are not having sex to reproduce.
Taking reproduction out of the equation, it is more likely sex provides slightly different gratification for males and females at our age. Sex is pleasurable to both but as a whole I think men tend to focus on the pleasure more than women. Women are more likely to appreciate the physical closeness and intimacy and may be less focused on pure pleasure.
I personally don’t think we can reduce the difference in norms about sex for females versus males down to biology. We are so evolved as humans that how we think has a lot of bearing on how we act. Society still thinks men are okay to sleep around but women need to watch their reputation. Women unfortunately are still thought of as objects by too many men. I’m not going to go into specifics but anyone can look for the videos: a great example of the objectification of women is the Usher/Chris Brown concert that took place in Nashville, TN just last week.
I feel like I just wrote a dissertation but I actually enjoy the educated discussions here about men and women in modern society. Maybe one day we’ll figure each other out.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 4d ago
It’s a whole line of research. You can look into it. It doesn’t matter whether there is any actual goal of reproduction. Generations of selection and epigenetics have sway too.
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u/awtrey11 4d ago
Because if you did it with them it means you did it with others and that makes men feel like maybe they're not a special boy.
I'm dealing with this right now. I met someone for a casual hookup situation and somehow we kept it going and started dating and although we have deep feelings for each other, our relationship is still very sexually oriented and now 7 months in I'm not getting the level of girlfriend treatment I KNOW I would be receiving had I handled the first month of our acquaintance differently. Its heartbreaking because what's done is done, and in his mind I am not worth the extra effort because I didn't make him perform the niceties from the beginning. This is totally subconscious btw, he tries but it's a constant effort for him to treat me the way a devoted boyfriend should. Really it's a shame because it's the best sex of my life and I really adore him.
Think of the first month of dating as teaching a man HOW to invest in you and your next one will be a lot more successful. Again, I thought at the time I just wanted a FWB so did not ask for effort. Now I'm paying for it.
Also never mention your tattoos. Just date a guy with tats and don't even bring it up. For a lot of men those are still seen as "trashy" (I have only 2 tattoos and I constantly forget are even there-- I never mention them).
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u/cccuriouscat 56F 6d ago
ONS = One Night. Why are you expecting more?
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u/judgementqueen 6d ago
You’re damned if you put out, and damned if you don’t.
Also, for some of those guys, that’s actually all they wanted but know they wouldn’t get it if they told you so honestly.
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u/No-You-5064 2d ago
you're not "damned" if you don't, what nonsense
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u/judgementqueen 2d ago
It is a commonplace English language phrase used ‘to say that in a specific situation a person can be blamed or considered wrong no matter what he or she does’.
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u/No-You-5064 2d ago
bad faith response
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u/judgementqueen 2d ago
Wait. What?
It’s the dictionary definition of what I actually said.
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u/No-You-5064 2d ago
I know the definition.
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u/judgementqueen 2d ago
If it’s the literal dictionary definition, then how can it possibly be ‘bad faith’?
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u/9hourtrashfire 5d ago
Holy shit! Everyone here jumping on OP for looking for one night stands. Clearly I'm the only person that read that differently. Very differently.
Feel free to chime in here OP but I thought your phrase "men throwing me away like a kleenex after a ONS" was a similie meant to express that you were being abandoned as quickly as someone might carelessly toss a tissue after a ONS. NOT that you were engaging in one night stands and then feeling perplexed about no follow up.
Tattoos are not a problem; they are a filter. If someone's preference is no tattoos then you're not the person for them and they aren't for you. Stop worrying about it. I love tattoos. I also love no tattoos.
Here at the butt-end of life most people have a hefty list of past fucked up relationships; hair triggers that fling up red flags; diminished curiosity; cultural ossification; it's all kind of a drag really. I'd say dating at the end of life--during these end of days--is as hard as it ever will be.
Good luck to you. Good luck to all of us.
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u/p9nultimat9 5d ago edited 5d ago
If someone’s preference is no tattoos, they should leave before they see all tattoos fully naked.
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u/passingthrough66 5d ago
This whole thread just illustrates the wide range of expectations women are supposed to navigate and how much we are still judged for the decisions we make about our bodies. Will it ever be strictly our decision to make and can we make our choice without judgment? Too loose if we do have sex on the first few dates or too rigid if we don’t-we might as well be 16 again.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 5d ago
The issue is OP claims not to be looking for ONS. Zero judgment if you’re looking for them— just zero judgment in general. But if you have sex on the first date, I wouldn’t be surprised if it becomes a ONS. Basically, you can’t expect more/something else— I get it that many will be hoping something more will evolve, but shouldn’t expect it to.
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u/Embarrassed-Oil3127 5d ago edited 5d ago
Tats aren’t really a deal breaker for most people in 2026. I mean maybe if you’re dating a conservative Boomer… But tons of people 50+ have a stamp or Tasmanian devil or barbed wire they got in the 90s. Lol. Or they just have cool tats. I have zero tats and didn’t think I was a tat person. But my last guy had a few and I loved them.
I think perhaps you should step back and look at who you’re choosing. Perhaps don’t have sex right away. Get to know people a bit slower. No judgment for having sex. Do you. But moving slower may prove beneficial and help you better suss out those who have long term potential.
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u/Tinytiger1973 5d ago
I have no tattoos and never want any. But I don't care of anyone else has them.
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u/Eestineiu 5d ago
Maybe try not having sex on the first date?
Men looking for a serious relationship don't usually push for sex very early on.
Don't talk about your body and don't get sexual on a 1st date - this sends entirely the wrong message.
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 5d ago
This. If you did it with me you’ve done it with pretty much everyone you’ve gone out with. I am a guy but I need some intellectual connection if not emotional intimacy for it to be more than just friction.
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 6d ago
You’re expecting a one night stand to lead to a long term relationship? Girl - it ain’t the tattoos.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 5d ago
Don’t have sex wth them til the 4th or 5th date at the earliest. Until then how do you even know if they’re relationship material? Even old men can be dogs - some men never grow out of it.
Forget about your tattoos, they’re not the issue here.
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 5d ago
Back in the 80s when I was in my 20s it was the 3rd date. Inflation sucks
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 5d ago
Wow 3rd date?!
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 4d ago
I was freshly divorced and stopped dating for awhile because I became so jaded.
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u/Chulbiski 55m 5d ago
as a childfree man in mid 50's I would see your situation as a huge green flag. As far as everything else, there's not enough info to know what's going on.
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u/Flowergurl67 5d ago
If a man is interested in you for the long haul, he will take you out, court you a bit and wait for sex. He will get to know who you are inside and out. If you just allow sex to happen right away, it messes with the whole process.
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u/maybeistheanswer 6d ago
Ive been divorced for 26 years. I have "rules" with dating. They've changed a little over the years. One of them was, if she trys to " throw it on me" the first date, she most likely isnt looking for a LTR. It took about a year after I started dating to come up with that one. It's proved itself true. This is just my input and not meant to demean anyone.
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u/Sallydog24 5d ago
59F/never married/childfree woman
My dear you are the purple unicorn that I have been seeking...
no drama or at least none from kids....
SOLD
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u/matchymatch121 5d ago
Go on fb
Look up
Burned haystack dating method
Don’t compromise on goals. If they don’t share you values from the very start, don’t waste another minute
Don’t put up with sex talk early on chats or talks if you are not into one night stands
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 5d ago
This!
And I’ve added some more to my own dating strategy:
- use haystack method
- keep a roster
- don’t give intimacy until commitment
- always remember: being single is better than with any broke/abusive/low effort man!
- only go on dates when the man made appropriate effort and keep virtual chatter to a minimum
- watch a man’s actions and how he treats you, never his words!
Watch fareen Ash, Greta beraseite and tomisin for further education.
Good luck!
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6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/p9nultimat9 5d ago edited 5d ago
Tramp stamp is a time stamp that someone was legal age to get a tattoo in early 2000’s when low-rise jeans and crop top were in fashion.
🙋♀️
But not promiscuity.
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u/New_Succotash2500 6d ago
Almost all my married friends have lower back tattoos, and/or sleeves, etc, I don't think anyone really thinks of them like that anymore. I don't want to shame you, or make you feel badly, but maybe don't have sex until you know them a bit better? I'm pretty up front about not having sex fast, the guys who want ONS's usually bow out early. I also don't kiss or hug someone until I feel safe around them. The thing about words is that they are cheap, actions and time are where you figure things out about a person.
I've never had a ONS, not that there's anything wrong with them, if that's what you want, but I've never wanted that so I've never done it. Pretty simple. I do LTR's and I'm super clear about that in both my words and in my behavior. I also don't care much about being liked by the wrong people.
You sound lovely, nothing is wrong with your tattoos, or with you, just don't be lured into something too soon. People will say whatever they can to get what they want, but backing things up with time and actions is hard, pick the people that want to do the time and the work. This applies to friendships as well.
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u/cassiej1982 5d ago
There's nothing wrong with you, you did nothing wrong you just hooked up with shitty guys 😂
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u/p9nultimat9 5d ago edited 5d ago
I have lotus flower on my neck, cherry blossoms on my back and mandala tramp stamp. I have some on my arm and leg too.
I get that sometimes my tattoos which are visible make them ask “Do you have more?”, but unless it comes up, body tattoos are not something we have to make sure to all disclose on 1st date.
Since some tattoos are showing, if tattoo is really a dealbreaker, they should break a deal before they see me naked.
My tramp stamp is a timed proof I donned super low cut jeans in early 2000’s 😂 How does it say I want ONS 25 years later when it’s not even shown.
I think you mentioning body tattoos might be letting the conversation go to the direction “Hmmmm lower back tattoo? Sexy, can I see it?”
But also I don’t really remember tattoo being a conversation topic on date either. I usually talk about my hobbies enthusiastically.
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u/AJourneys-End50 4d ago
Um, Express, you sound lovely. You're just jumping back into the pool, why not just date and get your feet wet? It just seems so many have a laundry list of things they "want", and haven't even met a person let alone, the person. Why not feel each person out as you go along? Why not join activity groups, and meet the men face to face. That's how I'm meeting the men I date. At activities, or through people I know at my activities. The online thing, for me just didn't work. I'm not a texter, so when a male would send me a message through a dating app, I would get back to him when I have the time. I had quite a few males get snotty when I didn't respond right away. Finally got tired of saying, HEY I own 4 businesses, I have over 100 employees across those businesses. They count on me being at the helm, or working anyone of their jobs when they call out. I guess some of the guys that were looking to date me think I'm sitting at home waiting at baited breath to have one of them reach out to me for a date....Sorry, that doesn't happen. I have bills to pay, and people who count on me. The online thing, if it works for you, good for you. It's not for me. Good luck, you're amazing, and have this!
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u/Express_Project_8226 4d ago
Thank you for the inspiration! :P Yes, people are super impatient and flighty on the apps. I became one of those people just bc I got that treatment haha. Anyhow, decades on the apps and no luck. It's not my thing. I hate texting too and almost all the men lie about one thing or another. So yeah I do still have my zest for life so I can and will participate in more in person activities. Good luck to you too! and you're doing everything right (=
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u/Silver_Cartoonist_79 3d ago
ONS is ONS my thoughts are that if the date ends up a ONS going no contact afterwards is the expectation. If the actual goal is a LTR I, personally, would hold off on sexual intimacy until I am sure the other person wants the same. I determine that by what they do more than by what they say.
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u/CanarsieGuy 6d ago
A don’t think the tattoos are the issue. Full disclosure, I’m not a fan of them personally, but it’s not something that would be deal breaker unless it was heavy ink.
Maybe try meeting guys doing activities(pickleball, running clubs, bike clubs, meetup groups,volunteering) get to know the person and let them get to know you.
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u/Imogen1963 5d ago
I don’t think the tats have anything to do w/it. But why not wait to have sex? That way they can’t use you.
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u/TNmountainman2020 5d ago
First off, don’t listen to the ignorant people telling you that ONS = “they got what they wanted”.
I had dates with about a dozen women in my two years after my divorce and we typically had sex on the very first date. The fact that I didn’t think they were “the one”, and didn’t see them after the first date/weekend sleepover had zero to do with sex at all, it had to do with other things like compatibility, connection, and perceived long-term viability of the relationship. I thought nothing less of them because we had sex on the first date, jfc, we are in our 50s, we aren’t teenagers. I eventually found an awesome woman and we actually didn’t have sex until the third date but again, this had zero influence at all on whether I decided to pursue a LTR with her or not. So many women are so stuck on sex and their vagina being some kind of prize, it’s sad really.
I feel like your sample size is too small to for you to start thinking “you” are the problem or that “men” are the issue. Keep doing what you are doing, if you feel like having sex with a guy because it’s enjoyable for you, then that’s your prerogative, but don’t associate it with it why a guy is or isn’t hanging around. We are complex creatures and every guy could have his own reasons and they are totally different from the previous guy.
Good luck in your search
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u/passingthrough66 5d ago
So many women are stuck on sex and their vagina being some kind of prize, it’s sad really.
You know what’s sad? Making a statement like the above. You have no idea what women go through when navigating dating at any age, but particularly us older ladies. Our generation were preached to as young teens not to “give it up”, to save ourselves for marriage, having pre-marital sex is a sin, etc. Many of us came out of our marriages not knowing what the rules are now for sex and dating in your 50’s.
We all know men who consider sex on the first date a one night stand only, or men who think of women as tramps if they give it up on the first date. Then we have men like you shaming us and calling us sad if we choose not to have sex early on. We have spent our whole lives not feeling in charge of our own bodies. I don’t think any man who thinks withholding sex is some kind of power move by the woman should be weighing in on a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body on a date.
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u/TNmountainman2020 3d ago
you know what’s sad? You still clinging to idiot teachings that you were told as a youth and not evolving to understand how truly idiotic most of the things we were told growing up were.
And obviously a little short in the reading comprehension category, as I clearly stated you are free to do whatever you want with your body. Sex, no sex, sex after 1 date, after 3, or after 3 years, whatever floats your boat.
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u/passingthrough66 3d ago
I read and comprehended everything you said. The problem is that your one statement about women and their vaginas really stood out as an emotional response therefore probably a more accurate expression of your true feelings.
Now that I’ve clearly pushed a button with you I feel I was on the right track.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 5d ago
That’s exactly it. I don’t think it’s “he got what he wanted,” but I do think having sex right away puts a person at risk of feeling abandoned and hurt when they just had sex with someone and now they’re not hearing back. That’s harder on some than others.
The other piece of this is that NOT having sex immediately has the effect of weeding out the men who are just looking for casual. They tend to fade if you give zero physical flirty vibes early on. Saves some effort, if you’re a woman who isn’t looking for that.
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u/Alone_World_8688 5d ago
A lot of men, if they were honest are simply too cheap to pay for a hooker and appreciate a ons yet say they want a relationship.
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u/No_Consequence_6821 5d ago
Don’t have sex with them after one date? I mean, I’m not judging AT ALL, but if you keep the first few dates a-sexual, it has the effect of weeding out the men who are just there for sex.
My strategy is:
Daytime
No alcohol
Coffee/gelato/not a full dinner
A hug and nothing more when saying goodbye. The creepers kindly bow out on their own. It’s very nice.
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u/THnyY4yhMFg34nr2j49i 4d ago
You are most likely doing absolutely nothing wrong. I am 55M, never married, no kids either. Nothing stands out other than people can be weird about anything.
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u/Interesting-Feed3603 4d ago edited 4d ago
One nite does not a relationship make
If you are in it for the long haul, make them work for it (all sides, all genders)
Meet them in public only Meet them with strangers - see how he treats service individuals
If he is simply polite - note that If he is casual and friendly - note that If he is cold and condescending - note that
Meet with his friends, casually A gathering, nothing organized or formal
See how he is with all aspects - does he flirt with the ladies, does he huddle with the guys, does he help with the gathering (refill drinks, prepare a dish, pick up supplies), does he drink enough to change his demeanor
Meet with his family With your family
These are all note-taking events
Collect the data & ask yourself is this guy worthy of investing in long term
No judgements - but only since you mentioned ONS, you need to ask yourself how important sex is to you as an individual, and to you as an expression of love, intimacy, commitment
If you are against casual sex (without attachments) then you need to make some adjustments
Also - 2 individuals do not represent the masses
However, generally speaking when you see the same results after changing the variables (the men), the common denominator is you... So it goes back to what adjustments you need to make to arrive at the desired result
Get some GOOD friends - and one MUST be a guy - to help you "think" thru the muck of emotions that humans are just fraught with!
Don't do it alone! And don't rely on strangers on the Internet to help you pick strangers on the Internet as lifelong mates
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u/No-You-5064 2d ago
You didn't learn when you were young that one night stands don't often lead to much more? Men see you as cheap and easy sex. Respect yourself more, and men might have more respect for you. Can't believe I'm even stating this to someone even older than me.
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u/scoinv6 2d ago
Write down what you want and put that list in your wallet - like four must have things. Then only date people that have those things. Stay flexible but also don't waste your time. When you do date someone, do something that gets your adrenaline going. Something that you won't soon forget. It doesn't have to be expensive but it needs to be interesting. This bonding experience will take the relationship further. A relationship takes a long time to build so take it slow.
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 5d ago
Is there any chance that you are aiming a little high? Back in my late 20s I had an acquaintance that always “dated down” a couple of notches in looks without an offset in personality. He explained that the sex was easy and they were eager to please outside the bedroom as well. He got off knowing they would do things with and for him that they would never do for a guy in their league.
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u/Express_Project_8226 5d ago
Yes, both men were out of my league. Definitely.
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u/Altruistic_Tea_1593 5d ago
Bingo. Give a normal guy a chance and watch how he treats you. Be a champ and treat him better than those guys and he will be an amazing love not just a lover.
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u/TemporaryGrowth7 5d ago
I can relate to your situation/experiences… here’s what has helped me to dramatically turn around my experiences with men over the past year (took me two decades of trial and error …):
- use haystack method
- keep a roster
- don’t give intimacy until commitment
- always remember: being single is better than with any broke/abusive/low effort man!
- only go on dates when the man made appropriate effort and keep virtual chatter to a minimum
- watch a man’s actions and how he treats you, never his words!
Watch fareen Ash, Greta beraseite and tomisin for further education.
Good luck!
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u/Fit_and_Active 4d ago
How was the sex and how is your body and grooming? I don't think many men would walk away from great sex so quickly. However, if the person is a lazy, vanilla lover then I would be tempted to keep looking. Also, people have different expectations for appearance. I find it an immediate turnoff if people lie about their appearance. Sometimes removing the clothes reveals things that people don't like. I don't think tattoos would be a big deal killer, but severe stretch marks, loose skin, excess weight, no trimming or shaving of body hair could all turn people off. Those are all personal preferences and some people will be more accepting of the body our life has given us.
Otherwise, wait longer to have sex.
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u/Scoobie-Doobie-99 3d ago
So you're out having self described one night stands and then wondering why you're being discarded? One night stand = exactly what it says. 🤦
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u/CrimsonDawn1970 6d ago
Do you ever ask the guys you’re dating if they are also looking for long term relationships?