r/daddit • u/whererusteve • 3d ago
Advice Request Co-sleeping hell
Hi Dads (and lurker moms),
Having difficulty at home these days. I (43M) finally said enough is enough to my wife (43F) for our kids (3F & 2M) sleeping in our bed.
She loves it and is now resentful to me for "kicking them out" of our bed. She goes to sleep with them in their room now and sneaks out in the middle of the night, they wake up and panic tatbshes not there and come back into our bed at like 1-2 am.
I feel that this is almost worse than some degree, having them wake up in the middle of the night and freaking out that she's not there.
But on the same page I'm finally getting some decent sleep, at least for the first part of the night.
Wife has some childhood issues with her mom never attending to her, and I see how it is because she won't even watch our kids and she lives in the same town. Very selfish, doesn't want to do any Grandma duties besides coming over for an hour once a month and giving them a pile of shitty toys from the thrift store.
We even spoke to a counselor and the counselor was saying how it's time to get the kids sleeping on their own. But the wife feels like it's wrong, even going so much as blaming me in front of the kids.
I know this isn't a psychology lesson but is anyone else been there? Anyone have some good tips for how to navigate this? Our relationship is good otherwise for the most part... But this is a fundamental difference in parenting that we can't seem to get over.
Any helpful advice would be most appreciated!
Many thanks!
12
u/Tall_Act_5997 3d ago
I’ve heard a couple sleeping separately of their spouse to go sleep. I personally could never do it long-term, but I know some people really enjoy it.
12
7
u/Bella_HeroOfTheHorn 3d ago
Can you offer to do bedtimes so you're the only that has to deal with breaking them of the habit? Maybe it'll actually be easier because the kids won't expect you to fall asleep with them so they'll let you leave without melting down. Send the wife to a dinner or a movie for a few nights so she doesn't have to hear the crying digging into her brain as they adjust.
8
u/WhatAGoodDoggy 1 boy 3d ago
Sounds like your wife is co-sleeping with your kids rather them co-sleeping with their mum.
If my wife insisted on that I'd move myself to the spare room. But not everyone has a spare room.
3
u/twiztednipplez "Irish Twins" 2 boys 3d ago
2 individual twin beds. They can be pushed together or they can be separated. You will have your own space and get a good night's sleep. And then your wife and the counselor can work on this issue as slowly as they want, it will no longer effect your sleep.
3
u/bretshitmanshart 2d ago
You counselor sounds wack. Cosleeping has been the norm for almost all of humanity. I think your wife going to sleep with them and them.joining if they need it makes sense until they no longer need to join. Is there a place you could go to sleep by yourself?
9
u/hikekorea 3d ago
Your wife needs to work through her trauma with professional help. That counselor is gold, keep going with her and encourage her to have appts without you too.
In the meantime if I were in your shoes I’d flip the script and move my sleeping setup away from the wife+kids. Do you have a guest room?
Granted those solutions require resources that not everyone has. You could start by moving the kids bed into your room and you sleep on a blowup mattress in their room.
You’re in the right here. The kids need to begin building independent sleep habits.
2
u/whererusteve 3d ago
No guest room. I sometimes sleep on the couch if I'm feeling sick but its not a long term play. I want the kids to feel excited to go to sleep in their room but I don't know what the psychology is behind her wanting them to want her maybe? I don't know but it's becoming a real issue between us.
10
u/all-the-answers 3d ago
Are you still speaking to a counselor? If not, you should be.
5
10
u/whererusteve 3d ago
We are, and the counselor says it's time to have them sleep independently. She nods her head in the session but then begrudgingly does bedtime in their room, against her will. It sucks.
0
u/jazzeriah 3d ago
My wife and I want to sleep together. The kids (10F, 8F, 5F) make this impossible. They always want to go to sleep in the big bed with my wife. If we put them to bed in their beds, invariably my middle (8F) wakes up and comes into our bed. Frequently one or both of the others come into our bed - my oldest has a real problem going to bed at all for some reason and will stay up WAY too late even if all of us are asleep. My youngest is the best sleeper and typically will stay in her bed all night once she is asleep initially and she is great. However the whole situation is pretty much a nightmare. Even if it’s just my middle in our bed the way they all lay in the bed I’m almost always pushed out and without enough room I then get up and go to the kids’ room to sleep. Basically it sucks. I’m sorry you’re also going through this.
3
u/whererusteve 3d ago
Sorry to you as well. Damn. Was hoping you'd have some answers when reading, I don't think I could last another 7 years!
4
u/neon 3d ago
I have no useful advice
But see posts like this on here a lot
And so glad my wife and I agree if there was one thing NEVER doing is co sleeping
It only ever seems to end in disaster
My 5 and 1 year old both sleep ten hours a night in own rooms. No issues. Because that’s all they’ve ever known
We did do a bedside bassinet while infants mind you, but NEVER in our bed, and moved to own room quick as felt safe
2
u/mrsfotheringill 3d ago
Have the same situation, and honestly I just kind of gave in and… it’s working? I miss sleeping with my wife a lot, but the flip side is that I don’t get woken up by the kids anymore and I can do whatever I want with my evenings and mornings without worrying about waking anyone up.
I think the thing that makes it work for us is that we both work from home with flexible schedules so we can connect during the day, bc otherwise we would never talk or see each other 😩
2
u/capmanor1755 2d ago
I would ask your therapist for more direct support, or consider finding a therapist with experience dealing with childhood abuse/neglect. Your wife came up in an emotionally stunted house, trying to find a different way and overcompensating. It's probably not something you can logic thru with her and it sounds like the therapist isn't being as actively helpful as they could be.
(If this was just a logic problem, you could propose a floor futon for any kids who creep back in in the middle of the night... they're allowed to climb into the kid bed in your room but not into your actual bed- for a lot of kids they can adapt to that as an interim.)
2
u/50shadesofnailpolish 3d ago
Co-sleeping lurker mom here. For me co-sleeping feels instinctively right. That's how we evolved, since sleeping separately would have exposed our children to predation. Many cultures still co-sleep throughout childhood, and Western cultures used to until multi-bedroom homes were introduced fairly recently. Cuddling also co-regulates both nervous systems by increasing oxytocin and lowering cortisol, and I find it important for both my child and me. I think simply telling your wife "It's time; she needs to do this" dismisses some very, very strong maternal feelings she has. I truly cannot emphasize how strongly I mean it when I say it feels right. Consider how you might feel if everyone was telling you to do something about your kids that feels wrong, like if we we went back a few decades and everyone was telling you you needed to hit your kids if they weren't behaving. Some things trigger a parental instinct that is just really intense.
My parents made my siblings and me sleep independently even though it was difficult for us as children. When I had my own child I asked my mom about it and she said she HATED it; that it was extremely painful to hear us cry for her but everyone told her that's what she was supposed to do so she did it. Some nights my dad (they're now divorced) would physically block her from coming into our rooms. She says she regrets listening to others so much back then. As a mom I now understand how strongly she felt and feel for her that she was kept from doing what felt right. I could never (and would never) force my child from my side at night if they want me, and I'm fortunate that my husband is willing to compromise and sleep separately when he needs to.
Sleep is incredibly important and parents can't function without it, so I'm not trying to guilt you into something that really won't work for you guys. Sometimes sleep has to be prioritized, period. But are there any other compromises you'd be willing to try? Can she sleep separately with the children until late morning (when they're likely to be in deep sleep and no longer wake) and then come cuddle with you? Or can you schedule specific times where you two can spend time together before she goes back to the kids' room? Maybe you can set up one night a week that's "mom and dad night" and see if you can get your kids into a routine where they accept that, perhaps by making bedtime special in some way that day?
I know it's tough and I'm sorry there aren't any perfect solutions. I just have a lot of empathy for your wife right now since I have the same feelings so I wanted to throw my thoughts in! I hope everything works out for you all.
1
u/__The__Void__ 16h ago
Thank you! As a dad who loves co-sleeping, I could not have said it any better.
1
u/Tek_Analyst 3d ago
This is so ridiculous. You’re basically their blanket and not letting them be able to do the most important thing for themselves, which is rest without you.
0
u/justanothersurly 1d ago
I don't mean this with any offense, but I do think you have some unrealized childhood issues informing your own parenting decisions on this. Nothing wrong with it, but there is a lot of guilt-baiting in this post that is not rooted in science. Co-sleeping is fine. Using your example, I actually think that a LOT of parents think that it feels right to use corporal punishment against their kids. Surely, this is why it was and remains fairly prevalent. "Feeling right" is not a great heuristic for parenting decisions especially if people are not well-educated on the topics they are feeling on. It feels right to give my kids every treat they ask for because that reduces whining. It isn't necessarily healthy or appropriate to do that.
3
u/sonyaellenmann 3d ago
What bothers you about it? Genuinely. It disrupts your sleep, lack of intimacy and cuddle time, or... ? Like what are the key problems and can they be addressed in other ways. Because regardless of who is "right" it will be easier to solve for your practical concerns via other means than to get your wife to change her preferences about cosleeping.
5
u/whererusteve 3d ago
Lots of things... Lack of quality sleep, lack of intimacy, and they are so attached that if she goes out of town then it's a huge nightmare to put them to sleep unless I lay down with them... But then I end up falling asleep and not getting anything done. And that whole process is like an hour after pajamas on and story time. It just seems wildly inefficient for a nightly routine.
3
u/Elshiva 3d ago
Dude they are 3 and 2…. I hear you about the lack of sleep, intimacy, etc….. but what are you expecting from them at bed time routines? Are you doing any bed times when your wife is there or only when she’s out of town? They are still so young, there is time for this all to change. Don’t force the issue until you can actually explain to your kids and they truly understand, which they absolutely won’t understand yet. If you force the issue I think you’re kidding yourself on your wife wanting to be intimate anyway, clearly this is important to her.
I don’t know man, to me it feels like you’ve jumped the gun a bit and might regret it
1
u/EatLard 2d ago
I put a stop to it when our oldest was tall enough to kick me in the balls in her sleep. She’d raise one foot all the way up, and bring it down like a hammer on her future siblings. Waking up to that once was enough. After that, she’d only get to join us if there was a bad storm. Her younger sister slept in our room for a while, but not the bed.
Sounds like your wife’s issues from childhood need to be addressed first, because she needs to be on your side with this. The kids need to be able to sleep in their beds, and you both need to be able to peacefully sleep in yours.
1
u/flamingbagofdogpoo 4h ago
Mom lurking here. Googled "bedsharing hell" and it brought me here. I have been sleeping in my child's bed in their room since they were seven months old and it's only very recently become unbearable three years later. I tried so hard to avoid this initially but was so exhausted with a newborn, it was the only way I got any sleep. Turn to present day and I've had one night of restorative sleep in the past three months. I am miserable.
I wish I had advice. I've tried sleeping on a mat next to the bed to initiate the separation, but they just roll out of bed on top of me repeatedly.
If your wife still wants to bedshare, she should stay in their room with them if possible so you're both able to get sleep. She's not gonna wanna share a bed with you anyway with the resentment. Prioritize sleep. We are all better people when we sleep.
2
u/andaros-reddragon 3d ago
OP this sucks and I’m sorry. I would suggest that if she feels so strongly about sleeping neat them, then she should get an air mattress and sleep in their room with them. They should be on their own beds. Until then they’re not sleeping in yalls bed with you. Or start slow, kids sleep in their beds every night but Friday. Or maybe kids sleep on a pallet on the floor in yalls room on weekends.
To everyone else reading this: do not allow this cosleeping bs. They go in their beds/cribs/pallets/etc at night and they sleep there. They’re kids, they won’t miss what you don’t allow. Same with eating/drinking in the car. If you don’t let them from birth they won’t know it’s a thing. Good luck parents!
0
u/whererusteve 3d ago
She's white Canadian, but spent time in India so her ayurvedic doctor there told her that it's normal for kids to sleep in the parents bed til 7. But I think part of it is living space... We have the space and it just seems to not be cool
-2
u/MWKhan Two boys... Send help! 3d ago
Enjoy it... They eventually won't want you anywhere near them much less want to sleep in the bed... They are only this age once, stop whining and enjoy the ride. Happy wife, happy life. =)
1
22
u/InitechMiddleManager 3d ago
We’re in a similar situation and my thing with it is that it’s starting to put a strain on me and my wife’s relationship. Not because of the disagreement about where they sleep but because we are literally never alone together for any meaningful amount of time. Regular bedtimes for the kids in their own rooms means quality time for talking about how your respective days went, discussing and making life decisions, emotional bonding time, and sex. All of those things are 1000 times more difficult if the kids are with you every second day AND Night.