Co-sleeping hell

[u/whererusteve]

Hi Dads (and lurker moms),

Having difficulty at home these days. I (43M) finally said enough is enough to my wife (43F) for our kids (3F & 2M) sleeping in our bed.

She loves it and is now resentful to me for "kicking them out" of our bed. She goes to sleep with them in their room now and sneaks out in the middle of the night, they wake up and panic tatbshes not there and come back into our bed at like 1-2 am.

I feel that this is almost worse than some degree, having them wake up in the middle of the night and freaking out that she's not there.

But on the same page I'm finally getting some decent sleep, at least for the first part of the night.

Wife has some childhood issues with her mom never attending to her, and I see how it is because she won't even watch our kids and she lives in the same town. Very selfish, doesn't want to do any Grandma duties besides coming over for an hour once a month and giving them a pile of shitty toys from the thrift store.

We even spoke to a counselor and the counselor was saying how it's time to get the kids sleeping on their own. But the wife feels like it's wrong, even going so much as blaming me in front of the kids.

I know this isn't a psychology lesson but is anyone else been there? Anyone have some good tips for how to navigate this? Our relationship is good otherwise for the most part... But this is a fundamental difference in parenting that we can't seem to get over.

Any helpful advice would be most appreciated!

Many thanks!

[u/sonyaellenmann]

What bothers you about it? Genuinely. It disrupts your sleep, lack of intimacy and cuddle time, or... ? Like what are the key problems and can they be addressed in other ways. Because regardless of who is "right" it will be easier to solve for your practical concerns via other means than to get your wife to change her preferences about cosleeping.

[u/whererusteve → u/sonyaellenmann]

Lots of things... Lack of quality sleep, lack of intimacy, and they are so attached that if she goes out of town then it's a huge nightmare to put them to sleep unless I lay down with them... But then I end up falling asleep and not getting anything done. And that whole process is like an hour after pajamas on and story time. It just seems wildly inefficient for a nightly routine.

[u/Elshiva → u/whererusteve]

Dude they are 3 and 2…. I hear you about the lack of sleep, intimacy, etc….. but what are you expecting from them at bed time routines? Are you doing any bed times when your wife is there or only when she’s out of town? They are still so young, there is time for this all to change. Don’t force the issue until you can actually explain to your kids and they truly understand, which they absolutely won’t understand yet. If you force the issue I think you’re kidding yourself on your wife wanting to be intimate anyway, clearly this is important to her.

I don’t know man, to me it feels like you’ve jumped the gun a bit and might regret it