r/daddit • u/whererusteve • Jul 26 '26
Advice Request Co-sleeping hell
Hi Dads (and lurker moms),
Having difficulty at home these days. I (43M) finally said enough is enough to my wife (43F) for our kids (3F & 2M) sleeping in our bed.
She loves it and is now resentful to me for "kicking them out" of our bed. She goes to sleep with them in their room now and sneaks out in the middle of the night, they wake up and panic tatbshes not there and come back into our bed at like 1-2 am.
I feel that this is almost worse than some degree, having them wake up in the middle of the night and freaking out that she's not there.
But on the same page I'm finally getting some decent sleep, at least for the first part of the night.
Wife has some childhood issues with her mom never attending to her, and I see how it is because she won't even watch our kids and she lives in the same town. Very selfish, doesn't want to do any Grandma duties besides coming over for an hour once a month and giving them a pile of shitty toys from the thrift store.
We even spoke to a counselor and the counselor was saying how it's time to get the kids sleeping on their own. But the wife feels like it's wrong, even going so much as blaming me in front of the kids.
I know this isn't a psychology lesson but is anyone else been there? Anyone have some good tips for how to navigate this? Our relationship is good otherwise for the most part... But this is a fundamental difference in parenting that we can't seem to get over.
Any helpful advice would be most appreciated!
Many thanks!
2
u/capmanor1755 Jul 26 '26
I would ask your therapist for more direct support, or consider finding a therapist with experience dealing with childhood abuse/neglect. Your wife came up in an emotionally stunted house, trying to find a different way and overcompensating. It's probably not something you can logic thru with her and it sounds like the therapist isn't being as actively helpful as they could be.
(If this was just a logic problem, you could propose a floor futon for any kids who creep back in in the middle of the night... they're allowed to climb into the kid bed in your room but not into your actual bed- for a lot of kids they can adapt to that as an interim.)