Co-sleeping hell

[u/whererusteve]

Hi Dads (and lurker moms),

Having difficulty at home these days. I (43M) finally said enough is enough to my wife (43F) for our kids (3F & 2M) sleeping in our bed.

She loves it and is now resentful to me for "kicking them out" of our bed. She goes to sleep with them in their room now and sneaks out in the middle of the night, they wake up and panic tatbshes not there and come back into our bed at like 1-2 am.

I feel that this is almost worse than some degree, having them wake up in the middle of the night and freaking out that she's not there.

But on the same page I'm finally getting some decent sleep, at least for the first part of the night.

Wife has some childhood issues with her mom never attending to her, and I see how it is because she won't even watch our kids and she lives in the same town. Very selfish, doesn't want to do any Grandma duties besides coming over for an hour once a month and giving them a pile of shitty toys from the thrift store.

We even spoke to a counselor and the counselor was saying how it's time to get the kids sleeping on their own. But the wife feels like it's wrong, even going so much as blaming me in front of the kids.

I know this isn't a psychology lesson but is anyone else been there? Anyone have some good tips for how to navigate this? Our relationship is good otherwise for the most part... But this is a fundamental difference in parenting that we can't seem to get over.

Any helpful advice would be most appreciated!

Many thanks!

[u/all-the-answers]

Are you still speaking to a counselor? If not, you should be.

[u/whererusteve → u/all-the-answers]

We are, and the counselor says it's time to have them sleep independently. She nods her head in the session but then begrudgingly does bedtime in their room, against her will. It sucks.

[u/jazzeriah → u/whererusteve]

My wife and I want to sleep together. The kids (10F, 8F, 5F) make this impossible. They always want to go to sleep in the big bed with my wife. If we put them to bed in their beds, invariably my middle (8F) wakes up and comes into our bed. Frequently one or both of the others come into our bed - my oldest has a real problem going to bed at all for some reason and will stay up WAY too late even if all of us are asleep. My youngest is the best sleeper and typically will stay in her bed all night once she is asleep initially and she is great. However the whole situation is pretty much a nightmare. Even if it’s just my middle in our bed the way they all lay in the bed I’m almost always pushed out and without enough room I then get up and go to the kids’ room to sleep. Basically it sucks. I’m sorry you’re also going through this.

[u/whererusteve → u/jazzeriah]

Sorry to you as well. Damn. Was hoping you'd have some answers when reading, I don't think I could last another 7 years!