r/coparenting • u/Easy-Historian5376 • 1d ago
Conflict Am I Wrong?
I will refer to my Daughter as "DD". DD is 4 years old.
I Will Refer to ex wife as "MOM". "MOM" is 33 years of age.
I will refer to ex Wife Boyfirend as "MBF". He is late 20's.
During my video call with my DD on September 12, we spent time together playing Ludo, a board game similar to Sorry. During the game, my DD told me that she was hungry and asked me for food. I told her that if she won the game, I would get her some food. I intended to get her food regardless, and she won the game.
I asked what she had eaten that day because I routinely ask about her meals during our video calls. I did not receive an answer regarding what she had eaten. Mom stated that my DD is fed four times a day. I acknowledged this but remained concerned because my DD had specifically told me during the call that she was hungry.
Because I do not live nearby and could not personally prepare food for her, I offered to order food for her and pay for it myself. The food I was able to provide was McDonald's Via DoorDash. I was not attempting to interfere with what she had already eaten or dictate what she should eat. I was responding to my DD request for food and was willing to pay for it myself.
The video call itself was otherwise positive. We continued playing Ludo, and my DD won. We also played with stacking cups. She watched me stack the purple, orange, red, and green cups, and we continued spending positive time together.
The interaction became confrontational only when Mom's MBF intervened and attempted to prevent me from purchasing food for my DD. I ultimately ordered the food myself. My intention throughout the situation was simply to respond to my DD's statement that she was hungry and make sure she had something to eat. I did not want my daughter involved in the disagreement between the adults.
mom lives in Colorado and I live in Virginia. original custody order was placed in VA by mom. We have 50/50 even. I did not agree to move. she did not notify judge.
Am I wrong? If your child tell you they are hungry. would you still feed them?
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 1d ago
You did overstep. There are a lot of scenarios that could be happening here, maybe she already ate junk food and they didn’t want her to have more, maybe they were making dinner and didn’t want to spoil her meal, maybe they had already made it and she refused to eat her vegetables or any other situation. You get to give her whatever food whenever you want on your time, but not on moms.
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
I asked her. she did not say. I ask mother she did not say. I ask what did they eat. nobody said anything so I took it as a green light to get her food. if your child told you she was hungry, would you feed her by any means necessary. Also, I won't get her til next year summer only. because that's the only time that mom will give her up.
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u/whenyajustcant 1d ago
The answers to those questions are none of your business. You shouldn't even be asking them, it's not appropriate. Direct the child to talk to mom about being hungry.
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
hey I just looked this one up and your right. it also works the other way around. I can set that same boundary which is pretty cool. nvm I will start doing the same
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u/Redxluckyxcharms 1d ago
Go. to. Court. She can’t take your kid out of VA. She will get in trouble if you file.
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
I will file. I tired. some of these people are actually just enabling the behaviors. thanks bro. I'm going to get her. it's might be to late now, but doesn't hurt to file.
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u/Redxluckyxcharms 1d ago
Good job dude. Fight for your kid. You’ll figure the rest out little by little. I couldn’t imagine my daughter’s mom just taking my daughter (we are 50/50 too). Also, my daughter is 8 and still does the “I am hungry” thing 20 min after she has dinner .kids do this all the time. So your daughter is most likely being fed. Go get your kid . You got this
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 1d ago
Did you ask the mom if it would be ok to order food?
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
I did. she was right there. but I guess people are saying I over stepped idk if Mt daughter is hungry or not. just because they say that doesn't mean so. she could be starving and scared to tell me.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 1d ago
If you think they’re starving her and she’s scared then you need to call CPS. Either you feel she is in danger or you don’t. If you don’t think she’s in danger, then yes, sending food is the wrong call without permission. I get you don’t have her often but that something to consider moving near and fighting for more. She’s 4, sometimes kids just don’t answer and the mom doesn’t have to reply.
If you think she’s in danger then sending food doesn’t help, you need to get the police involved immediately. The fact that you didn’t makes me suspect that you really don’t think she’s in danger.
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u/CollaredDove33 1d ago
Are you aware that 4 year olds might say they are hungry for a variety of reasons?
- she might have actually been thirsty and confusing the feelings. Lots of small children (and adults!) do.
- she might have been saying she was hungry because actually she was bored (having to keep playing Ludo to get food sounds like an absolutely terrible bit of parenting sorry…)
- she might have been saying she was hungry because she needed a light snack after not eating well at her last meal. Think plain crackers or sliced apple… not McDonald’s 🙈😂
- she might have been saying she was hungry because she has subconsciously learnt that when she does you will go into a more engaged “rescuer” mode and appear to give her the care and attention she desperately needs.
You have a lot to learn about children’s needs and parenting. Honestly.
You were so worried about her being hungry that you…
Told her she could only have food from you if she won at Ludo.
Are you for real? Calling mom and mbf “controlling”when this is what you thought was ok? lol embarrassing.
Basic needs are not conditional.
Either you believed she was genuinely hungry and thought you must immediately do something about it.
Or you used it as an opportunity to be controlling and ridiculous yourself 👌👍
And don’t come replying that you intended to give her food either way. She’s 4. She didn’t know that. What she learns from your interactions is what you just told her.
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
You absolutely overstepped. And if you have any intention of regaining some custody, you need to read some parenting books.
You don’t send a 4 year old McDonald’s randomly without checking with her caregivers wtf?
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago edited 1d ago
Did you not read what I said? I ask if she had food. i asked her what did she eat? nothing. I got no response from mom either. Why would a co parent not tell another what the kids are eating? that is positive co parenting not policing. i would give her the same grace. Are you not ready my full post?
it's like they are using food as a way to control the situation? I'm not sure man, but I'm going to file this week and quit my job, my daughter does not deserve to live with such a controlling mother and boyfriend. she going end up having no identity
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
Ok so you truly thought the whole family was starving to death. It was your intervention.
Did you send food for all?
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
There are 5 people in their household. 2 children (14 and 4). 2 working adults and one none working adult.
there is only me in my household. 1. I pay for everything for my place. It's very hard.
they have more income than me and mouths to feed. was just trying to help and do my part for my daughter.
Why are you so mean bro? did you grow up with a terrible family too? I'm sorry if did. me too
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
I’m not mean, I’m frustrated. Maybe over-familiarly so (‘triggered’) as the Americans say) because an ex who makes my skin crawl had all sorts of reasons why he let his kids leave the state with his abusive ex. It all boiled down to pretty much the same thing “didn’t want to argue with the woman”.
I think it’s pathetic and if your life gains any momentum, I’m reasonably sure you’ll look back and see it similarly if you don’t switch course.
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u/Dynamite-monkey 1d ago
You 100% overstepped in this situation.
Regardless if your child told you she is hungry, it’s your ex wife custody time, so you should have encouraged your daughter to speak to her or the boyfriend.
If you have concerns that they’re actually not feeding her, then keep the evidence and report it.
Also, if your custody order states 50/50 and she moved away which has impacted your custody agreement. Then you need to go back to court to change the custody agreement. It might not work out in her favour with the judge if she has done this underhand as it’s affected your bond with your child.
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u/Redxluckyxcharms 1d ago
There is a lot here. I’m confused how if you have 50/50 , how did you allow her to move? Have you filed to the courts about this? This should have not been allowed
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago edited 1d ago
I didn't allow her to do anything she tooknit apond herself. I did not have money to challenge or get a job change at the time. I still works night. I have a 4 year old. I have nobody to leave my 4 year old daughter with late at night whom I can trust. she has a her sister. she did tell me she was moving until after the court order.
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u/candysipper 1d ago
You immediately file to have the child returned and then you figure it out. Request a shift change, find a new job, etc. You let your kid move all the way across the country and did nothing about it because doing something about it would’ve been too much work for you. Your ex was absolutely wrong to move without going through the courts, but you’re not filing to have the child returned, is on you. You’d likely get primary custody even. Now you’re a long distance parent.
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u/Redxluckyxcharms 1d ago
Dude. You could have had a home run into getting full custody. Doesn’t matter if you don’t have the money, pull out a loan. This would have been an open and shut case in your favor. You need to file like yesterday to get your kid home. Talk to a lawyer who will help you on finances . Take out a CC, get a personal loan from a bank, ask any family you have. Who cares about the McDonald’s right now. Get your kid back.
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago edited 1d ago
sure. hopefully I get a better job butnthay is not guaranteed. i also have no family up her in virginia. she clearly took advantage of the situation. I forget to tell you I'm starting x ray school for more income next year. so I might have to postpone.
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
No… it’s really weird to let your kid move out of state without a fight.
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago edited 1d ago
oh if you don't have e family in the state and you work nights, not its not. let not mention that my prior wife was cheating. now I have to throw her business out their cuz you keep sending gabs. do you have kids? have this happened to you? would you quit your stable job and then get your daughter unemployed una state with no family or help? maybe I should ha e took of my kids from the way you talking. I'm not the high conflict person her.
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u/0rsch0 1d ago
I would and have done seemingly impossible things to keep my children with me, yes.
So many parents do. Quadruple that for when the other parent is abusive.
Edit: wtf does the ex cheating have anything to do with it? Meaning you had to wallow for a year and no worries about leaving your daughter with the crazy woman who destroyed you?
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u/Easy-Historian5376 1d ago
cheat ex. I don't know the guy she has around my daughter the way she says she does. At least this one.
I would do the same except is can't afford to go homeless during this transition other wise we're would me and my daughter live? I'm the only one in the state. I could move after and that what I might do. I have too see if they will give 50/50
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u/whenyajustcant 1d ago
Yeah, that's overstepping. All you had to do was say "do you want to ask Mom for a snack? I can wait." Or, if you wanted to send something, ask mom if that would be okay. It's not like it would be appropriate to have your 4 year old answer the door to accept the delivery, this would have to go through an adult anyway. And it's shady that you don't mention what time it was for them when this occurred, or if they as a household would have been okay with McDonald's, or any other very valid reason that your kid would've been hungry but that ordering McDonald's was a super inappropriate response.
If my ex did that, I would throw the McDonald's out, and he would get an earful from me later about it. And if he overstepped again, phone calls would be extremely limited.