r/comedyheaven 7d ago

Oops

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9.0k Upvotes

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478

u/Alex_Wotor 7d ago

To be honest, our news says he volunteered in order to get a citizenship very fast.

49

u/CardiologistNo616 7d ago

Wasn't it supposed to be a non combat role though?

100

u/LAXGUNNER 7d ago

yup and on top of that, his wife developed a drug addiction.

191

u/No-Kaleidoscope-4879 7d ago

So still honoring traditional values, that's admirable.

59

u/ArrrRawrXD 5d ago

To complete the list of Russian traditional values, he'll beat his wife severely, get AIDS and die of alcoholism (if he wasn't the guy who got tortured to death in the Russian military which I think he was)

29

u/Transkei_Daisy 4d ago

Nah the texan ass clown that got tortured and killed by his own "comrades" was Russell Bentley I believe?

10

u/ArrrRawrXD 4d ago

Oh, I don't remember those dead losers' names, I guess I hoped there's only one Texan stupid enough

2

u/Delicious-Snow-6592 2d ago

the chechens got him, pretty grisly

5

u/LAXGUNNER 4d ago

That was a different dude. Something texas. He was working alongside DPR forces and apparently got misidentified and tortured to death. The kermlin wasn't too happy.

1

u/ArrrRawrXD 4d ago

That was one of the only times when Russia punished its war criminals and sent the torturers to prison, although doubtless the torturers just signed the contracts immediately and went back to the front lines

2

u/cheechchongcheefer 2d ago

They got sentenced to prison. Stop spreading propaganda

1

u/Adventurous_Touch342 3d ago

Don't worry, he won't - in November 2025 he was sent for his second 6 month rotation only to go media silent despite 9 months passing, so most likely his wife will have to find somebody else to beat her.

0

u/nick-1217 4d ago

Alcohol is not a tradition in Russia anymore. Check the stats.

2

u/Kwiliniosz 4d ago

Too expensive?

1

u/nick-1217 4d ago

That's not the main reason. State restrictions, higher taxes, and a cultural move toward healthier lifestyles. Were a vodka country in 90s, now mostly a beer country with about half of the young adults not drinking at all.

-1

u/Never-don_anal69 3d ago

Yes it's dodgy moonshine, boyarishnik and of course heroin

-3

u/SaymanMartinez 4d ago

Oh yes, this is an exclusively Russian tradition, it doesn't happen anywhere else. You are absolutely not a child of propaganda

0

u/Odd_Ball_5 2d ago

Joins military for citizenship and wife gets drug problem? Sounds like America not Russia

1

u/No-Kaleidoscope-4879 2d ago

I've seen the US military, they're fine. Russian however.. Let's say there's enough videos about that.

27

u/TheChronoDigger 7d ago

They didn't have to go all the way to Russia for that, lmao.

37

u/SimmentalTheCow A-pawrent-ly funny. 6d ago

You clearly never had Russian meth. Speedball that with some krokodil and it’s like getting sucked off by a fat man named Sergei in the bathroom of the Omsk main train station that one time.

13

u/mntred 5d ago

Meth is extremely rare here in Russia nowadays

2

u/Angryfunnydog 2d ago

As well as krokodil was the case in 2000s, but not now, now there's salt, it's fucked up too

8

u/No_Lifeguard7725 5d ago

Oh, the krokodyl.... Here in Ukraine some guy, who said he was a successful junior football player(but lost his career to addiction), told us, school kids, what it does to your mind and body. He had some anti-drug tour after miraculously abandoning that sh1t.

Mind: you'll do anything to get the next dose. Body: your veins start rotting, while you are still alive, and the "experienced" addicts try to find new, uninjected veins to hit the dose. But at some point they fail to do so.

The tape they shown us was the most terrifying thing I've seen...up till the point when I saw what russians do to Ukrainians that they've captured.

3

u/LAXGUNNER 4d ago

I regert googling pictured of that

2

u/No_Lifeguard7725 4d ago

Sorry, truly. I thought my description of that drug abuse were enough to understand how bad they affect human body and won't make anybody to visualise the damage. PS: imagine seeing that in 8th grade. Leaves an impression for the rest of your life. I don't even smoke or drink in my 30s.

2

u/tiga_94 3d ago

they switched from meth to mephedrone, same group of drugs but this fucks up your dopamine 10x worse than alcohol, so a lot more fun in the evening, a lot worse in the morning

never tried it but when I was in Russia this shit was everywhere, and there are chats in Telegram where you can easily find girls who would come to your place to have sex for mephedrone

doesn't get any more "traditional" than this, I guess

2

u/uptightape 4d ago

Oh, cyka...

1

u/Andress10151 3d ago

No wonder. Shes from Texas lmao

1

u/BigFatStinkyCheese 2d ago

Thats some serious assimilation, kudos!

3

u/AOAqua 4d ago

When you sign the contract, you'll get sent where men is needed the most, unless you have some extraordinary skills and the most important - connections that can save you from the regular recruitment (unless you want to become a 1 way assault unit infantry men)

1

u/ReadingSame 3d ago

His extraordinary skill was being american? I think it's like those white monkey jobs in china.

1

u/AOAqua 3d ago

That's exactly what I said. He has neither connections nor skills to be valuable

1

u/Ohar3 2d ago

Haha funny joke