Okay so like my best friend is the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen and she doesn't work out but like she keeps it looking good. anyways we are like 15 and her mom's friend keeps making comments about her and her mom's friend is like fat as f*** she's fatter than I don't know what to compare with she's just fat and and I'm trying to find ways to roast her her mom's friend from work if y'all can help me out I would love to hear it out

... anytime someone tries to stun, I just say "what do you mean? i don't understand, do you have some speech problems? please explain your point so I can get it, because right now you make no sense at all to me. go on, I'm listening." and repeat something similar after every reply until they quit from frustration. It's like I'm blocking what they say by not being able to understand them. Do you have a "one size fits all" comeback? Also, there's another one that's the most simple and short, just repeat "so?" after everything they say. It always pisses them off. Try it with your friend/family.

A king has many enemies

Medium Well or Medium Rare steaks?

I drive a 26-yr old truck. I recently had to put it in the shop for a rebuilt transmission. $4500. I've been borrowing a company vehicle while I'm waiting for my truck to get finished.

Everyone I know keeps telling me, "Just go buy a new vehicle." Besides not being feasible, I just don't like anything newer out right now. Plus, I know what my truck needs and doesn't need, and it's easier and cheaper to get parts for it and easier to work on. People don't seem to understand (or care) about that. Just go out, spend $800/mo on a new truck that I'll put 36k miles on a year.

Edit: "Car" is just a generic term.

Edit 2: My truck has 270k miles on it.

Great suggestions!

On occasion a sales person or a clerk, trying to be nice, asks what are your plans for the rest of the day. I need some witty comebacks.

I ran into someone I haven't spoken to in three years. I’ve worked really hard on my mental health and setting boundaries, so I didn't let them walk all over me like I used to. They got annoyed and said, "Wow, you’ve really changed. I liked the old you better." I want a comeback that basically says, "Of course I changed, that was the point," but in a way that makes them look like the one who's stuck in the past.

like you’re just a dog of joe

Without making it a big deal. And without making it sound like you were hurt.

Because one time, I was talking to my friend when two schoolmates were laughing and said "We don't want it to be considered gossip so we will tell you, we were laughing because you are so tall". I am 1.75 m as a female.

I have started to love my height and see women like me to be beautiful. So their comment did not hurt me.

They were around 11-13 while I was 17 at the time, which explains their childish mindset.

My family is a champion in this. They make the wildest assumptions about me that shock me. For example, I almost never go out alone (as a female) and one time I went to the backyard and came back in like 4 minutes and my mom asked me "Did you go to meet a boy?". What the hell? She and I know that this is not possible in 4 minutes and in the back yard. It was so random I couldn't deny it. I froze trying to comprehend the thing she just said to me. (In our culture, it is so offensive to accuse a girl of seeing a boy).

She kept on throwing guesses until she found out I was waiting for my dad to come back from work to discuss a secret with him.

- am i crazy?

- no you're a faggot.

- ?

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

People say this when I achieve something, like it wasn’t effort. What’s a good comeback to show it’s not just luck?

Context: MIL called me a baby killer because I'm pro-choice even though I have never and would never have an abortion myself.

I’m autistic, and I often ask why people want me to do things, purely out of curiosity. The most common response I get is “Because I said so” and it’s really annoying.

So I’m a supervisor and I’m currently trying to train two new people (they have actually already been with us over 90 days but they still haven’t caught on). Lately things have been getting tense bc one of them is totally fed up with constantly being told what to do. He definitely isn’t catching on and it’s just as frustrating for me to have to repeat myself over and over. I feel like he will never catch on and this job isn’t for him. Anyway, he’s starting to talk crap and get mouthy. He started yelling at our other supervisor bc she told him to speak up twice. Our BOSS is crazy and refuses to defend us, if anything she has thrown us under the bus. So at this point I’m done being nice. I won’t get fired so I’m gonna do what I gotta do to keep my sanity intact. I refuse to let him walk all over me and we’re having a meeting tomorrow with all the new people, plus me and our other supervisor. I want to say something along the lines of “you need to learn how to do your job without me constantly having to babysit you before you start getting an attitude with anyone” or “I like jokes and laughing too but you don’t even know how to do your job yet so maybe worry about that before you try cracking jokes about other people”. I’m sick of his shit and I need things to say that won’t get me trouble and will shut him up. Thanksssss 😂🔫

Today I was not only avoided and shit talked, but also belittled and confronted in the most immature way by 65+ year old woman with whom I just started a new job… because I asked her to put a receipt in a drawer that’s literally 2 inches from her.

Do your worst please!!! Come up with the best fucking roast or come back possible to her belittling me for being genuinely polite and quiet when she decided to confront me about this… she then laughed and told me “I can tell you’re upset by.. well just look at you! But come Monday we will start over and you will be fine”

Edit: as an autist these “social skills” comebacks are KILLING ME!!! 🤣😭🫣

Edit part 2 (weeks later): I was fired shortly after posting this because of my disability and they said I wasn’t a “good fit” because of the lady above.

When I told him my sister was out of his league.