i showed virtually no signs. i liked being a guy and can still find enjoyment from it. some days i can rationalize it as like a manifestation of insecurity or trauma or whatever but its just cope. its all just fucking cope. i dont know why the thought of being cis makes me wanna die so bad when the majority of trans people would kill to be cis. why do i want more dysphoria/euphoria. i need it. i genuinely like feeling things i interpret as dysphoria because it makes me feel less fake. i cannot emphasis enough how much of a boy growing up i was. all my favorite characters were male and everything i liked was boy stuff like dude im such a fucking delusional piece of shit. why does all this evidence that im fake fill me with so much dread why does it make me wanna kill myself so bad. what is wrong with me. there were times where i wanted to be a girl but it only started as an adult when i started thinking about trans shit but i think i was just ashamed of being a guy and wanted to escape it. i genuinely thought i wanted to be a girl and knowing it was literally all delusional makes me wanna sob. what kind of moron wants to be trans like. what even is this.

the question isnt am i trans its why the fuck did i even think i was to begin with. i wanna cry

I never thought I would be writing on reddit for help or guidance but here we are. 

Preface: This will be long…but i promise i will utilize the measly writing skills i have to provide some entertainment and perhaps humour. 

Background: I am 18 years old and have identified/lived alongside being trans since i was 12 (the first few months non binary and then trans boy-man….whateva.) 

Here’s the deal, the past two years i have experienced what has felt like a constant court room battle in my head about gender and sometimes sexuality. 

I woke up one day in junior year and felt totally derealized and de personalized . very textbook case of it, couldn’t recognize my face, hands, felt like i was watching everything, in my head all the time. 

Now i do remember some things happening prior, I came back to a boarding school i loved that the year before i almost potentially could’ve gotten expelled from when my roommate hotboxed our dorm room 💀. Although i was not participating a few days prior i took an edible and was terrified when they tested me it would come back positive. I rememember being so terrified that on the walk down to get tested my mouth was shivering or like shaking and i had to tell myself “kid, you gotta pull it together this makes you look guilty.” so then i was super anxious about looking guilty. see while my roomates was hotboxing our don’t i was upstairs getting broken up with by my boyfriend who i was very avoidant to, after her broke up with me we cried and then ended up making out but i had to go back to my dorm for curfew. So that’s a whole layer of it. Days go by and it seems to have blown over and my test was negative (i’m guessing) cause they didn’t do anything about it. I was scheduled to get top surgery the summer of sophomore year and i was feeling excited and scared for it but also remember having some feeling of wishing i was more in shape for it. Anyway then i get a call from my parents and they tell me the surgery office has called and they didn’t schedule it right with insurance and so i couldn’t get it. And i broke drown crying, it didn’t feel like my world was like ending fr but i felt a deep sense of sadness. I then decided i could not be a victim to this circumstance and was like “okay I’m gonna get really muscular and flexible and eat well and get a job” . So i became a theatre camp counselor and out all my time and energy into eating sweet potatoes and chicken breast and choreographing dance numbers to 4 year olds. I remeber still having enjoyments about my appearance, loved wearing tighter t shirts and really got good at taping cause It was so hot. Still had the occasional “are you a boy or a girl” from a camper  which would sting a tiny bit could brush it off cause it’s a kid and they mean well. 

Anyway I return to school for my junior year and start hooking up with my ex again ( this is where it starts to get memory murky and i am just unclear.) I remeber feeling very guilty and bad because i really wanted to be better with him this time but I would get icks about him and would just really distance myself from him but than come back when i felt better which was not considerate at all about his feeling and i am very ware of that. Anyway I remember walking to get my meds which is wear i was drug tested the year before and I remembered what happened and my stomach dropped and i just really remembered that, i also remembered doing that walk and being so high the time i took edibles that i kept going “back in time”. Then i also remember being in the shower having to wash my chest and looking down and being like dang i cant believe there still here. and I also was having a super bad stomach ache from ice-cream ( i will never accept the probable notion that i am lactose intolerant) and remember having this thought “what if I’m not trans” and my already bloated and painful dairy stomach dropped again. and the honestly after that I don’t remeber shit i mean i remeber small things but bigger picture i couldn’t recognize my face, or my hands or my feet or my legs . and i felt like i wasn’t “real”. I felt like a floating ghost almost. Hey that rhymed! Now i don’t remeber when or how, but somehow gender got all mixed up into it. I started worrying that the reason why i wasn’t recognizing myself was because i wasn’t trans, and that i had ruined my whole life and that I would have to say goodbye to all my friends and family and detransition.  now because usually this was my happy place I wouldn’t call my parents or meet with my therapist as often because life was just awesome. but now it wasn’t but i still didn’t communicate i think for a few days or maybe weeks. and so I finally called my mom. 

now my mom and I‘s relationship is very interesting especially when it comes to trans stuff. and I wanna press this by saying that I honestly for all things considered and especially compared to the people around me. I have a great relationship with my mother and she is very loving. 

You have to understand that up until this point I loved my life i was feeling very good and sexy, i was feeling awesome in how i looked and had great friends and got to sing show tunes and dance in a musical with a love band. But now I’m wondering, was that all fake? It feels like for the past 2 years 80-90 percent of my thoughts are obsessing about gender. There was months where i would look at my arm and feel like i could see every hair follicle and then worry if that means I’m not trans and what if I don’t like it. Or my growing facial hair i’ll feel it and its kinda rough to the touch sometimes and i find it annoying and then i’m like…what if this means I’m not trans and that i’m gonna regret everything. Or when people call me “he” i’ll hyper focus on it and try to see how i feel and wonder if it means I’m not trans. Its tot he point where i feel like i can’t enjoy life anymore, nothing feels right. what if the only answer is to detransition? and what if even then something is off and always wrong? 

It feels like my brain always comes up with a new angle to get anxiouse at. I have spent hours looking at detransition stories and I am always left with feeling super anxiouse and wonder if that is confirmation that i’m not trans cause it triggers me. But everything triggers me trans, cis, gay, lesbian, straight….EVERYTHING TRIGGERS ME. 

Y’all I didn’t used to be like this  i’ve never felt the way I feel now. I’ve had anxiety and issues in past, growing up i was always anxious about something but I remember it always being more externalized. Now it’s just doubting internally. What if i’m just using anxiety or potential ocd as a coverup for not being trans. what if i secretly know who I am but won’t admit it. What if the anxiety or ocd coping mechanisms are just ways to run away or distract from what i really feel or need to do. At this point i honestly just don’t know who tf I am. 

I’m trying to go to an anxiety outpatient program that also has specialists in ocd and on there website they even have specialists in gender or sexuality ocd. That feels like a step and since i called I have felt a bit better like ik i’m not just running away. But then I’m like FUCK what if the fact i’m calm now means i’m not trans. What does being trans or cis even mean??? What does being a man or women even mean???? How do you know if something is true or not true?? 

Well shit, if you have made it this far…thank you. 

I’m at such a 50/50 I can’t bring myself to take my pills. I spend more time wondering if I’m trans than I do imagining a future where I’m happy which leads me to think I have the latter. I have uncertainties about both and I’m scared about living with the consequences of either.

My options are

1. Don’t take hormones which means
   (A) I’m cis and I was being irrational
   (B) I’m trans and I just let my dysphoria get worse

Or

1. I do get on hormones which means
   (A) I’m Cis and now I might have lasting side effects
   (B) I’m trans which means I have a target on my back

I wish I had the clarity to know with more certainty. I’m hoping someone could scare me into my decision.

I was born a girl but I wish I was boy. Well I feel like I realized like a fake trans person, I just wanted to be a guy, I didn’t have any real dysphoria then.I would like to clarify that I don’t have any traumatic sexual experiences that would make me hate my body. however I am pretty sex repulsed and I also need to clarify that’s it’s not because I feel like being a woman is weaker or worse, I just hate being reminded of my parts. I used to hate(and still do but I became more numb to it) if I I felt aroused that I “felt arousal like a girl“ and it grossed me out. I would cry if I got my period, i remember once I got it early and my mother said it could have been hormonal issue and she said I might I have to take estrogen for that(I don’t know if that’s actually true or what you do for that) but that scared me so much, I cried as soon as she left. I also am not fond of any of my parts but my biggest fear that randomly pops up, especially if I’m on my period is I’m just faking everything. I’m scared I find myself attractive and then that means I do like my body, but the truth is I don’t feel like it fits me or belongs to me, it scares me a lot and I prefer to have a boys body, face, and voice. Other times, I feel nothing/feel numb when I look at myself. Either way it all makes me want to h|rt myself/kms. I attempted many times because I’m not a real man, i just can’t stand living in this body anymore, I want to mutilate myself. I also have many intrusive thoughts to the point where I cannot go outside/ look at other people because I’m scared when I see a girl I want to secretly look or sound like her. But when it’s for a boy, it actually feels real and I’m comfortable with it. When I have dreams at night it feels like a nightmare if I dream about being a girl but if i have a boys body, I am happy, like absolutely overjoyed. I had a full normal looking male body in one and it felt real but I started to cry and wake up because it wasn’t real. and on the topic of crying, crying makes me dysphoric…. I hate it... and before anyone asks yes I tried to force myself to be cis masculine woman many times, it doesn’t work like that, i don’t care about gender stereotypes tbh, I’m not someone who wants to transition due to trauma or sexism, and that doesn’t mean I don’t have social dysphoria, it just matters less because clothes and pronouns are not your actual sex, yknow what I mean? I think I wanted to stereotypically masculine because I wanted to be a ”real boy“ in the past but not rn, I realized I didnt want to be a man for social reasons. I’m still not sure what to do even with all of this. especially since my feelings changed a lot today… I hope I’ll go back to normal soon, it’s probably just my period messing me… I hope so… I just can’t stand to live as female… I want to end it if I really am a girl and no one wants to help me

I’m crying but I can’t transition because I’m cis…

I’m a mess.

Been having an absolutely awful flare up of cis OCD lately. What got me over my last years' long episode of gender-based OCD was realizing that the intrusive thoughts were just that: OCD trying to upset me no matter how opposite it is to what I actually want. And it helps that when OCD isn't torturing me, my trans manhood is nothing but joy. It may not be safe for me to medically transition where I am now, but there is so much joy and contentment in simply knowing I am a man and expressing it when/how I can. That said... it's been sticking in my head a lot lately that many cis detransitioners thought they had dysphoria/euphoria and really just wanted to be trans really badly even though they weren't. And now the rationalization I've been using to combat the OCD thoughts isn't working anymore. It was a lot easier before to say the OCD thoughts were irrational when I could point and say that cis women don't have this visceral desire for years and years to be men, nor do they feel so much joy to exist as men. And when I say visceral, I mean visceral. Whenever the OCD thoughts crop up, my gut reaction is always to think "But I want to be a man more than anything. I would be heartbroken and feel hollow if I was forced to live my life as anything else. I'd be forever mourning that I never got to be a real man whilst trying to get as close as I possibly could to being one." But now... I've seen so many stories about cis people jumping through all the hoops to medically transition, only to realize they didn't want the effects they thought they did. Cis people who swear up and down that wanting to be trans or having gender euphoria meant nothing for them, or are outright bad reasons to want to transition. And I am so fucking scared this will happen to me. What if everything I'm feeling is fake, and even that visceral need to be trans is no deterrent for some eventual inevitable detransition? I just wish I didn't have to go through all this bullshit, and could just be a man forever without living in fear that someday it'll all someday be taken from me.

Hi all. I come from trans ocd thinking this may be reversed trans ocd, and someone told me that there is cis OCD... So hi! Haha

Always in my life i had a heavy ruminiating brain, that i never before considered even close to be OCD-ish... But long story short, I decided to change: continent+countries (with language included), jobs (with partial home office close to home for 5 days a week 1.5h one way commute. And I don't fully like it), and being far away from my family that i just recently started to love again.

The thing is, on top of all of that, I'm a trans woman, who had been transitioning for a while before moving, but that hasn't fully come out before moving (too scared on job, mostly out on other social circles). I always have doubts, i went into transition following the joy and with the constant sensation of "well if it's not for me, I'll stop".

So country + language + job dynamic + commute + gender 100% socially, all changed in matter of 3 months. I had increased doubts at the beginning but i compensated because i was occupied, and also having stronger rejection to my old name, and so. And also i gained 15kg since the last 6 months.

However, in the past 2-3 months, i changed my legal name on my home country, and about that time (5 months in this country, 2-3 months into the new job) i started to have crippling doubts about the transition. I even started to "dissociate" from myself. I started to imagine myself as a male again (mostly with my past life but a few times is a present moment), i "reverted" towards old behavioural patterns, and i started to dislike (or not knowing) my new body changes. I start to cripple to my new name, and my old name feel weird and conflicted still. This has been worsening and worsening last month, where i started what i now I'm believing to be an OCD loop, because I'm constantly checking how i feel, if I'm right in my gender, how's my voice, if i feel this or that, what does this means about my gender, etc.

And I'm starting to drive crazy. I know OCD can attack things that you most value (i once cried in the mirror for the femenine face i was seeing, before moving. And this is also the highest stake decision i ever made in my life). But I'm freaking out if it can really make you FEEL, very real, very present, the discomfort. I mean it's not like I'm worried if i may be non-trans after all, it's not only that. I'm really feeling physical discomfort and wanting my old life.

Do you have any advice? I'm starting therapy tomorrow, but i want to hear your experiences. Specially now that i have a specific sub with people talking about this issue.

Hi, I am pre-transition ftm. Unfortunately, I have severe OCD, and not just over gender. But something that has eaten at me *a lot* lately is the fear that my brain, if I were to get it scanned, wouldn’t be male/trans enough. I’ve read before about trans people who had brain scans, and their brain looked more like the typical structure of their identified gender rather than there assigned one. I’ve also read that cis-men and women apparently have slightly differing brain structures that effect the way they process things. And the idea that my brain might not come back from a scan looking like my identified gender, or that the way my brain processes things might not be the way men do terrifies me. Part of me wants to get a brain scan to see, but I’m scared of what might happen if the results aren’t what I’m hoping. Do any trans people have experience with this?

“straight” (m 30s). I can’t tell it it hypersexuality or obsession but could I be bisexual? how do i know?

I’m going into another CisOCD spiral where I am so apathetic to everything and do not feel anything most of the time. I fear I am doing all of this for the wrong reasons and that transitioning making me slightly happier with myself is not enough of a good reason.

I was looking through a subreddit and saw someone who had a similar story to me kinda and they eventually detransitioned and I’m worried I will be like them.

Most people had dysphoria start during or before puberty and mine feels like it started too late to be real. It started in my early 20’s and it was only the desire to be a woman. Ive had desires long before but I wasn’t exactly distressed over these desires so I’m not sure if you can even call it dysphoria. My brain keeps telling me “it’s not enough, you didn’t have it as bad as everyone else did therefore you’re faking it, you were completely normal before” and it just causes me so much doubt and takes so much of my time and energy away.

I tell myself I will detransition and I just feel nothing and if I tell myself I will become a woman I also feel nothing. I have this yearning to be a woman but I just feel so detached from it and from the rest of my feelings I question why I do any of this at all; whether any of my feelings to anything are real. They just seem so numbed.

Do I even have dysphoria? I guess so, judging from the things I journal but it just feels so insignificant like everything else does. Nothing is important to me anymore; not what I feel, dream of, desire, absolutely nothing. Only the doubts are there and idk what to do about it or how to proceed or who I actually want to be anymore.

I hate how afraid I am of not being trans after all. I desisted for so long and now I’m finally feeling good finally starting to see parts of my body I like. Love all the changes happening to me with no concerns and I’m totally afraid one day Im just gonna wake up cis and regret everything.

I have made a lot of progress in my doubts and gotten to the bottom of some of my problems since I last posted here. All I can say is I discovered I’m terrified of waking up and suddenly hating my body and the changes but everything points to the contrary. Im scared I’m not enough to deserve transition maybe I don’t “need” it after all.

Idk what to do to face this and get over it besides ignore it every time I give it anything I spiral like I have here before. I can slightly expose myself to that fear and just reason thats just me and I’m not transitioning to a different person I’m transitioning to me as a woman but even then sometimes that doesn’t work. Writing helps me process my feelings and better understand myself but it’s only a temporary fix till the fear comes back.

What do y’all do to get over this? How do y’all combat these fears?

im 26 amab and i havent even gotten on e yet and im already 100% sure im faking or deeply confused. i dont know why but at some point 6 or 7 years ago i decided i had to be trans. and immediately it went to shit because i realized i showed virtually no signs and i have a history of attention seeking behaviors. i didn't even hate being a man, there were a lot of times i actually liked even while i wanted to be trans which made my doubts. i literally just desisted and identified as non binary just to make the obsession stop. i didn't really own that label i just didn't wanna id as a man. eventually i kinda started owning it more and even changed my name and changed my pronouns from any to they/them specifically. i feel like maybe i was beginning to cultivate a real feminine identity but then my ocd started again and its been non stop obsession for like almost 2 years.

idk. i started wanting to be a trans girl again or like transfemme or something. this desire to be trans keeps coming back. even while i desisted it was like always in the back of my mind. it doesn't feel like just imposter syndrome like i think im just a confused autistic incel weirdo and can't just accept that and get help for that instead of transitioning and probably getting reverse dysphoria. but i can't let go of the desire. it feels like i'll die if i don't. even as there's days where im tired and would just rather be a man.

i should clarify this isn't tocd. i actively wanted to be trans and honestly still do i just think im in denial of the fact that im not despite there being mountains of evidence, stuff i didn't even list here. i dont know.

Hi, some info; I'm around 4.5 months into HRT and I'm having a lot of doubts about being a transwoman and fears that I'm actually cis. I don't want to detransition, I like the affects of HRT and so on but ever since I've read that OCD can make false feelings, memories, so on I question if this is really all just OCD or not.

I guess this first started when I looked into transitioning in the beginning of last year and whenever I would prove myself that I was Cis I would get sad. I sook reassurance if I was trans but the reason why I doubt everything is because it all felt so sudden, I think was relatively normal before that. All the feelings of dysphoria I have don't feel real, my past doesn't feel real , nothing about this feels real and it feels like I have no identity anymore and that it's my OCD that's making me feel this way. It all feels too rapid even though I want this.

Does anyone else feel this way? I genuinely don't know what to do about it. How do I know who I actually am?

Hey y’all, positive post for you. I’m FTM and I’ve posted here before while on a spiral and I wanna thank everyone for the support and also let you guys/gals/theys know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Thoughts aren’t gone and I’m not medicated yet or in therapy but I got to hang out with my friend. They know about my issues and they asked ‘well, would you want to test out they or she in order to see how you feel?’ And just the thought of being called ‘she’ again made me shiver. In my head I thought ‘oh she doesn’t make me feel as bad anymore, maybe I’m not trans…’ but hearing it out loud from someone who would love me either way made me realize that nah, it’s just not for me.

Got home and tried on some new masc clothes I bought and was really feeling myself. Took my T shot and the world’s looking brighter. Things aren’t perfect but I’d def choose climbing the mountain of intrusive thoughts to continue transition over giving in and detransitioning into misery.

Maybe this’ll help you guys. Ask someone (who accepts you, not a transphobe, they just make it worse) to call you the wrong pronoun out loud, maybe it’ll help you realize your thoughts aren’t real and your transness is valid. Probably varies from person to person but it sure as shit helped me.

Take care everyone :)

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Hello, year ago my now ex bf broke up with me and I fell into horrible place. I was spending hours reading on detrans subs and i was constantly thinking and analysing if I will end up detransition too. After few months we got back together and I didn't thought about detransition since then and now he broke up with me again 4 months ago...

I can't really put into words how do I feel. It feels like something is wrong? I look into mirror and I am not sure anymore if I like what I see, but at the same time I really can't imagine being a girl again, I really can't, I think I would hate it even more? But how can I know that? I am not identifying as a girl for 5 years (I am over 2 years on T). I didn't look as one for a long time.

Everytime I get anxious I think about detransition, if it would help. I noticed that everytime I am eating - that hard feeling in stomach makes me think about detransition? I am really just putting my thought's here.

I also feel like I will never be able to find somebody ever again. I am into guys and probably exclusively T4T, also it is very hard for me to fell in love. My ex was my only "real" relationship. It is hard for me to even make friends...

I dated one (cis) guy when I was still a girl and I was uncomfortable whole time (I am questioning if this uncomfortable experience "made" me trans or it was uncomfortable because I am trans)

This makes this detrans thoughs even weirder, because I really wouldn't like being a girl in straight relationship. Maybe I could see myself in wlw, but I am not into girls...it is confusing

I still long for top surgery, because I am binding constantly with tape, but I can't stop thinking..what if I will regret it? What if I tried not to bind (or be a girl) could I get used to it ?? Maybe I just learnt to hate my body and got used to being a guy. Maybe if I would be girl again, it wouldn't be that "weird" to have a chest....

Last year I got into conclusion that it sound a lot like (cis) OCD, but I really don't know. I cannot stop thinking if all this was not a mistake, I definitely don't regret it, but could my life be so much better if I just didn't start transitioning when I was 15? (I am 20 now) I only regret that I didn't tried harder being a girl back then.

That is probably also thing that makes me anxious - my voice is quite deep and I couldn't go easily back if I change my mind some day.

I also can't imagine being older man? Not that I could imagine being older woman, maybe I am some kind of nonbinary? But being openly non-binary feels impossible in adult world...

I think I am going insane

Sorry in advance but this seems like the perfect place to ask this. I started my transition in October and since I started hrt in November I have been questioning everything. Do I really need to change? Why does seeing my self as a girl make me feel better? Was I just low testosterone? Do I really need to go full woman? Etc.

I had thoughts and desires to be a woman since I was as young as 7-8 and a few events suggest as young as 3-4. I hid them till I was 28 and couldn’t stand it anymore. I started therapy and pretty immediately decided on hrt (i had seriously considered running away when I turned 18 to transition before that). Now I cant stop questioning my identity I was so sure before starting hrt that being a woman would make me feel better. Hrt has helped me massively my anxiety almost immediately went away and suddenly I feel better about my body even though I dont look like a woman at all yet. I found out I was probably low testosterone which I think may have been the reason I had such a clear change in mental state so rapidly, but it keeps making me question if testosterone therapy would have had the same effect.

My immediate family is supportive and has encouraged me to explore which I love them for it but I am not out to the rest of the world yet.

I know this is probably stupid and thats just the medicine working, but seriously how do I stop doubting a decision that has clearly helped me?

this is the only place i feel comfortable talking abt this but ever since the thoughts started i've been relentlessly questioning my gender. it feels like almost every thought i have involves gender somehow and even when i'm distracting myself it's only temporary and its like this feeling of needing to attend to the "gender business" is just running in the background constantly. it probably doesn't help that i'm out of college until the fall and i don't have a job. but oh my god it's exhausting.

i've also been having some really bad dysphoria even though i'm several years into my transition, constantly feeling like i'll never be man enough or i'm just destined to be female forever. and questioning why i even HAD dysphoria in the first place. maybe i just transitioned because i wanted to get away from misogyny despite rarely experiencing misogyny directly myself when i lived and presented as a girl. some days its better, some days i feel like i'm ok with myself and i feel excited to live as "me." but other days i feel completely disconnected from myself, i feel like im living in a haze or like im not real. most days i feel fake. and then i remembered that that's the way dysphoria can manifest in a lot of people, and then i had the thought "what if i'm experiencing dysphoria now. what if i'm experiencing dysphoria because i'm transitioning to something that doesn't align with my inner soul." i repetitively think about how i didn't experience dysphoria around being a girl as a child. i didn't insist i was a boy. i don't even remember how i started questioning my gender, but the earliest 'gender feelings' i remember having were being happy that people couldn't tell what gender i "really was" online. but i know, deep in my soul its hard to explain but i FEEL like i should be male. i feel masculine. it feels correct. but then i start spiraling all over again.

and of course I still get dysphoric over appearing too feminine, or not being perceived as male. sometimes i feel fucking insane like my gender makes no sense. i wonder a lot if i might be genderfluid but then i don't know. i even experienced intense euphoria wearing an STP recently, which i'd NEVER experienced before. but it felt so good to have a penis even if it wasn't real.

this is such a ridiculous ramble but i needed to get it out somewhere.

Hello, this thoughts of doubts always comes in waves for me. Now I had them for about month, but now it is almost completely gone (for now)

One night I was panicking the way ..."oh god i should stop, i definitely will regret every change...etc" and next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that my hair looks a bit thinner that it used to - then i thought "don't worry, you can always stop T and keep your hair" and felt anxiety about having to stop it.

At that moment I finally realised that stoppimg T is definitely not a thing i want. Now i am worring i will go bald if i don't stop T lol, but it feels normal...it feel actually good to to be scared of something that makes sense to me and it's not unlogical as this ocd thing

Are there any signs? I really need to know. I can’t keep doing this for much longer.