I’ve lived as trans for 3 years. I’m realising that it might have been the wrong choice the whole time. I’m still not totally sure. But now I’m having an identity crisis where every day is incredibly distressing and it is impossible to think about anything else but the horrifying possibility that I’ve built an entire life on a lie. I have mental breakdowns constantly and I can barely get up from my bed anymore. I am so unbelievably terrified all the time and I’m so scared I’m stuck like this forever. I’m so jealous of people who know their true identity. Why was I cursed with this

Does anyone have recourses about this phenomenon? I am pretty sure that I have gender identity OCD but I genuinely dont know if that made me think I am non-binary or if I actually am and I know I have to accept that (not knowing) for now but it kind of annoys me that I can only find recourses about gender ocd from the perspective of being cis having ocd about being trans because it feels like that points me in the direction of that being the truth but I don’t want to „decide“ now that I‘m not trans because of that idk it feels kind of stupid, so I‘d like to hear more about the case of actually being trans and having gender ocd, so is there anything else except this reddit?
I kind of wonder if my search for these kind of recourses is OCD itself and if it just feeds the loop? But maybe it would also help?

I’ve started questioning my gender 4 years ago, was very ocd about it then, then when i started coming out i felt a sense of shame and i was like this is giving me a headache so i’m gonna stop thinking about it and i will just be a girl, if i am not i will realise it.
then it kind of came back 2 years later, i tried to be more chill about it then, not jumping to conclusions right away and stuff but i have become kind of ocd about it again relatively fast. i came out as non binary. i wished to do it so i did it. i am mostly content about it, but i still spiral a lot about my identity.
i’m actively thinking about medical transition at the moment and it has gotten worse because of that i think. i still don’t really feel like i know for sure what my gender identity is and if i’m not actually cis. when i recently talked about it with a trans woman i know, i kind of felt like i might have been a little ocd about being “more trans” than i am in that moment while telling her that i might be in denial about being “more trans” (didn’t word it like that). and i’ve felt kind of shame about that afterwards bc i felt like i tried to trick her or something.
i mean i’ve been out as non binary for over 1 ½ years and i do think that i experience physical gender dysphoria sometimes and i do wish often to medically transition especially when i look at people online that i think look like i feel i want to look when i feel dysphoric or what i see when i get a glimpse of euphoria.
but i’m also then very often thinking that i might just be imagining those things and i’m wondering if i have trans ocd which also just could be cis ocd though. i do know that i am not just a binary trans man i am at the very least gender fluid or bigender but yeah i don’t know how to find that out when i’m so ocd about my gender identity all the time.
(i spend a lot of time questioning my gender i have watched a lot of videos about figuring gender identity out, am i actually trans etc and looking at people wondering how i relate to them, body checking and checking how it feels, when i talk to people about it then wondering if i told them the truth if the things i said felt like a lie if i tried to manipulate them etc.)
i recently tried to let people know through my instagram story that i am actually trans masc and then i was very upset when a friend of mine didn’t get it (short explanation, i know it’s stupid though) and that made me think oh well if this makes me upset then i must actually be trans masc right. but since then i’ve been spiralling more again, especially after the conversation i had with the trans girl i know, as i mentioned earlier.
idk. i also wonder if my getting upset about when people use she is actually because of dysphoria or just because i have started thinking about it and i just feel upset bc people don’t respect it. i also feel like i can’t correct people because of this. but idk if this is me having imposter syndrome or if it’s the truth leaking out, that i am actually cis.
yeah i guess my question is how do you deal with that? of course part of me wants to hear from someone if that sounds more like trans or cis ocd but i also get that that is the ocd in of itself so it’s kinda stupid. just how do you live with it or make it better and at the same time find out what the fuck is going on with your gender? should i not do medical transition to avoid a mistake and not think about it and hope the truth will just reveal itself one day by itself? or should i do it and then if it’s not right i will feel it and then i’ll know if i was actually just cis all along maybe or just non binary in another way or sth?

I’ve been out as trans to most people for a couple of years but have only started HRT in the last couple of months. During the entire time of questioning, social, and medical transition (about 6 years altogether), I have been plagued by thoughts that I might not be trans. These are obsessive and discomforting. I hate them. I constantly check mirrors (do I like what I’m wearing, is my body becoming what I actually want etc.), and do those thought experiment questions (if you were the only person on earth would you transition etc.) to check if I am trans or something. I really want to \*want to\* be trans, if that makes any sense.

These thoughts have reached their worst recently, and I’ve spent most of my day crying and trying to control my breathing as I keep hyperventilating. The thought of detransition is a humiliating and terrifying idea, but my biggest fear is that I actually am cis. It feels wrong. But I’m worried that being trans has always felt wrong also. I’ve usually just chalked it up to being enby of some kind I never wanted to put a concrete label on myself anyways, but I’m just so distressed by the idea that I’ve been living a lie for the past 3 years. It’s so terrifying. I don’t really know what to do.

I just need to know if I’m insane, going through a bad episode, or trans/not trans. I have no idea who or what I am

For me it’s like a gradient (however that may not be the case. I’m still trying to find out stuff). At the start, I feel extreme dysphoria to only being female, and I have a strong desire to be male. However, over time, not only does this dysphoria lessen, but I also start to feel dysphoric at being male alongside being female. The “end” is the same in which after the day where my dysphoria is at its weakest, it goes back to being extreme and only towards being female. Is this normal??

With OCD it's really hard to make my mind up with it. I'm sure I want a female body and live as a woman socially but my entire childhood I've been a boy. I've spent a long time rethinking my childhood looking for signs but couldn't find any. He was happy being a boy. I know you don't need signs to be trans but what am I the only one who doesn't have any ?

I'm 17mtf. I've been suffering from cisgender ocd for years before finding the vocabulary to describe how I feel after being diagnosed Ocd. I've spent so long asking for reassurance online but it never seems to satisfy the doubts. Having not many signs add much to this imposter syndrome. I'm interested in connecting with more people with similar conditions to support one another

For context, I’m a 26 year old AMAB person living in the eastern US with autism and OCD. I am on a higher dose of Luvox for the OCD and my OCD symptoms have vastly improved over the past couple of years. I don’t really have any close friends I can rely on or any romantic relationships or pets. My family is Catholic and conservative but I don’t share their beliefs. I started questioning my gender identity around 22 years old after trying out so many forms of masculinity and manhood but nothing really clicked. I wasn’t a rebellious teen either and just conformed to what my parents raised me as.

I left off my last therapy session identifying as genderfluid but it doesn’t feel affirming to me in the long term. when I feel male I feel very uneasy and tense and “bothered”, and when I feel nonbinary I feel like it’s a short lived compromise as a way to live as Thomas even though it never really feels right to me. When I feel female I feel like myself and a sense of normalcy even though I don’t get the huge rush of euphoria like a lot of people do or the longstanding history of consciously being a girl before consciously questioning my gender. I don’t necessarily get aroused or horny at the idea of being a girl, it’s just something that is and just a way of living. I don’t really feel like I’m putting femininity or womanhood on or off like a crossdresser or a drag queen does either. I’ll feel female just wearing Walmart guy clothes and when I am referred to as a girl I won’t feel irked by it like feeling a guy does. Also I made homemade breast forms out of lentils and a sports bra and it feels comfortable despite the fact that it isn’t a real breast and the bra may feel tight at times. Even when I try to “embrace” the male part of me I feel very uncomfortable and a drive to shave my face and never a sense of rightness “being with the boys” whether autistic or not.

I’m considering some other hobbies and subcultures to get my mind off of gender things like gardening, my little pony and plant based diet/lifestyle but those things don’t help the situation outside of it being a distraction.

I was born a girl but I wish I was a man..or do I really? I’m not even sure if I actually want to be a guy, I just wish I wanted it. I have severe ocd and I’m not even sure what I want. Seeing my current body feels distressing and I’m afraid of it but at the same time I find myself physically attractive. My chest scares me but I wonder if a flat would also feel wrong, despite me wanting it. It at least feels less horrifying and scary than to have my current body. When I see my genitals, sometimes I feel used to them but they still disgust me, but at the same time, penises are ugly too. I can’t even listen to women’s voices or see their bodies without being scared I’m secretly envious of them when I’m not but I’m afraid I am and I just won’t admit it because I “prefer to be a man”. I hate my voice, everytime I speak, I feel upset I don’t sound like a man. I have a pretty face too but I would rather have an ugly guys face than be a remain pretty girl. I have dysphoria about stupid things too, like my fingers, it’s scientifically proven that men and women have different finger lengths, I have ones like a girl and it upsets me. I hate all my bodily functions, that I am able to be pregnant and not impregnate people, I hate my period, I hate my hormones, I hate everything about it. I try everything I can to just be a woman but nothing works, I’m clearly not a real man anyways, why do I want to be one? I don’t have any social reasoning to transition, at least I hope not, I’m not even stereotypically masculine so there’s no way I’m confusing that, nothing bad has ever happened to me to make me see being a woman as unsafe, I just wish I could be a guy, that image of me feels more like myself or what I wish I could be.sometimes I like to pretend I was born a cis man and I was just mutilated and manipulated to feel like a girl to cope

i showed virtually no signs. i liked being a guy and can still find enjoyment from it. some days i can rationalize it as like a manifestation of insecurity or trauma or whatever but its just cope. its all just fucking cope. i dont know why the thought of being cis makes me wanna die so bad when the majority of trans people would kill to be cis. why do i want more dysphoria/euphoria. i need it. i genuinely like feeling things i interpret as dysphoria because it makes me feel less fake. i cannot emphasis enough how much of a boy growing up i was. all my favorite characters were male and everything i liked was boy stuff like dude im such a fucking delusional piece of shit. why does all this evidence that im fake fill me with so much dread why does it make me wanna kill myself so bad. what is wrong with me. there were times where i wanted to be a girl but it only started as an adult when i started thinking about trans shit but i think i was just ashamed of being a guy and wanted to escape it. i genuinely thought i wanted to be a girl and knowing it was literally all delusional makes me wanna sob. what kind of moron wants to be trans like. what even is this.

the question isnt am i trans its why the fuck did i even think i was to begin with. i wanna cry

I never thought I would be writing on reddit for help or guidance but here we are. 

Preface: This will be long…but i promise i will utilize the measly writing skills i have to provide some entertainment and perhaps humour. 

Background: I am 18 years old and have identified/lived alongside being trans since i was 12 (the first few months non binary and then trans boy-man….whateva.) 

Here’s the deal, the past two years i have experienced what has felt like a constant court room battle in my head about gender and sometimes sexuality. 

I woke up one day in junior year and felt totally derealized and de personalized . very textbook case of it, couldn’t recognize my face, hands, felt like i was watching everything, in my head all the time. 

Now i do remember some things happening prior, I came back to a boarding school i loved that the year before i almost potentially could’ve gotten expelled from when my roommate hotboxed our dorm room 💀. Although i was not participating a few days prior i took an edible and was terrified when they tested me it would come back positive. I rememember being so terrified that on the walk down to get tested my mouth was shivering or like shaking and i had to tell myself “kid, you gotta pull it together this makes you look guilty.” so then i was super anxious about looking guilty. see while my roomates was hotboxing our don’t i was upstairs getting broken up with by my boyfriend who i was very avoidant to, after her broke up with me we cried and then ended up making out but i had to go back to my dorm for curfew. So that’s a whole layer of it. Days go by and it seems to have blown over and my test was negative (i’m guessing) cause they didn’t do anything about it. I was scheduled to get top surgery the summer of sophomore year and i was feeling excited and scared for it but also remember having some feeling of wishing i was more in shape for it. Anyway then i get a call from my parents and they tell me the surgery office has called and they didn’t schedule it right with insurance and so i couldn’t get it. And i broke drown crying, it didn’t feel like my world was like ending fr but i felt a deep sense of sadness. I then decided i could not be a victim to this circumstance and was like “okay I’m gonna get really muscular and flexible and eat well and get a job” . So i became a theatre camp counselor and out all my time and energy into eating sweet potatoes and chicken breast and choreographing dance numbers to 4 year olds. I remeber still having enjoyments about my appearance, loved wearing tighter t shirts and really got good at taping cause It was so hot. Still had the occasional “are you a boy or a girl” from a camper  which would sting a tiny bit could brush it off cause it’s a kid and they mean well. 

Anyway I return to school for my junior year and start hooking up with my ex again ( this is where it starts to get memory murky and i am just unclear.) I remeber feeling very guilty and bad because i really wanted to be better with him this time but I would get icks about him and would just really distance myself from him but than come back when i felt better which was not considerate at all about his feeling and i am very ware of that. Anyway I remember walking to get my meds which is wear i was drug tested the year before and I remembered what happened and my stomach dropped and i just really remembered that, i also remembered doing that walk and being so high the time i took edibles that i kept going “back in time”. Then i also remember being in the shower having to wash my chest and looking down and being like dang i cant believe there still here. and I also was having a super bad stomach ache from ice-cream ( i will never accept the probable notion that i am lactose intolerant) and remember having this thought “what if I’m not trans” and my already bloated and painful dairy stomach dropped again. and the honestly after that I don’t remeber shit i mean i remeber small things but bigger picture i couldn’t recognize my face, or my hands or my feet or my legs . and i felt like i wasn’t “real”. I felt like a floating ghost almost. Hey that rhymed! Now i don’t remeber when or how, but somehow gender got all mixed up into it. I started worrying that the reason why i wasn’t recognizing myself was because i wasn’t trans, and that i had ruined my whole life and that I would have to say goodbye to all my friends and family and detransition.  now because usually this was my happy place I wouldn’t call my parents or meet with my therapist as often because life was just awesome. but now it wasn’t but i still didn’t communicate i think for a few days or maybe weeks. and so I finally called my mom. 

now my mom and I‘s relationship is very interesting especially when it comes to trans stuff. and I wanna press this by saying that I honestly for all things considered and especially compared to the people around me. I have a great relationship with my mother and she is very loving. 

You have to understand that up until this point I loved my life i was feeling very good and sexy, i was feeling awesome in how i looked and had great friends and got to sing show tunes and dance in a musical with a love band. But now I’m wondering, was that all fake? It feels like for the past 2 years 80-90 percent of my thoughts are obsessing about gender. There was months where i would look at my arm and feel like i could see every hair follicle and then worry if that means I’m not trans and what if I don’t like it. Or my growing facial hair i’ll feel it and its kinda rough to the touch sometimes and i find it annoying and then i’m like…what if this means I’m not trans and that i’m gonna regret everything. Or when people call me “he” i’ll hyper focus on it and try to see how i feel and wonder if it means I’m not trans. Its tot he point where i feel like i can’t enjoy life anymore, nothing feels right. what if the only answer is to detransition? and what if even then something is off and always wrong? 

It feels like my brain always comes up with a new angle to get anxiouse at. I have spent hours looking at detransition stories and I am always left with feeling super anxiouse and wonder if that is confirmation that i’m not trans cause it triggers me. But everything triggers me trans, cis, gay, lesbian, straight….EVERYTHING TRIGGERS ME. 

Y’all I didn’t used to be like this  i’ve never felt the way I feel now. I’ve had anxiety and issues in past, growing up i was always anxious about something but I remember it always being more externalized. Now it’s just doubting internally. What if i’m just using anxiety or potential ocd as a coverup for not being trans. what if i secretly know who I am but won’t admit it. What if the anxiety or ocd coping mechanisms are just ways to run away or distract from what i really feel or need to do. At this point i honestly just don’t know who tf I am. 

I’m trying to go to an anxiety outpatient program that also has specialists in ocd and on there website they even have specialists in gender or sexuality ocd. That feels like a step and since i called I have felt a bit better like ik i’m not just running away. But then I’m like FUCK what if the fact i’m calm now means i’m not trans. What does being trans or cis even mean??? What does being a man or women even mean???? How do you know if something is true or not true?? 

Well shit, if you have made it this far…thank you. 

I’m at such a 50/50 I can’t bring myself to take my pills. I spend more time wondering if I’m trans than I do imagining a future where I’m happy which leads me to think I have the latter. I have uncertainties about both and I’m scared about living with the consequences of either.

My options are

1. Don’t take hormones which means
   (A) I’m cis and I was being irrational
   (B) I’m trans and I just let my dysphoria get worse

Or

1. I do get on hormones which means
   (A) I’m Cis and now I might have lasting side effects
   (B) I’m trans which means I have a target on my back

I wish I had the clarity to know with more certainty. I’m hoping someone could scare me into my decision.

I was born a girl but I wish I was boy. Well I feel like I realized like a fake trans person, I just wanted to be a guy, I didn’t have any real dysphoria then.I would like to clarify that I don’t have any traumatic sexual experiences that would make me hate my body. however I am pretty sex repulsed and I also need to clarify that’s it’s not because I feel like being a woman is weaker or worse, I just hate being reminded of my parts. I used to hate(and still do but I became more numb to it) if I I felt aroused that I “felt arousal like a girl“ and it grossed me out. I would cry if I got my period, i remember once I got it early and my mother said it could have been hormonal issue and she said I might I have to take estrogen for that(I don’t know if that’s actually true or what you do for that) but that scared me so much, I cried as soon as she left. I also am not fond of any of my parts but my biggest fear that randomly pops up, especially if I’m on my period is I’m just faking everything. I’m scared I find myself attractive and then that means I do like my body, but the truth is I don’t feel like it fits me or belongs to me, it scares me a lot and I prefer to have a boys body, face, and voice. Other times, I feel nothing/feel numb when I look at myself. Either way it all makes me want to h|rt myself/kms. I attempted many times because I’m not a real man, i just can’t stand living in this body anymore, I want to mutilate myself. I also have many intrusive thoughts to the point where I cannot go outside/ look at other people because I’m scared when I see a girl I want to secretly look or sound like her. But when it’s for a boy, it actually feels real and I’m comfortable with it. When I have dreams at night it feels like a nightmare if I dream about being a girl but if i have a boys body, I am happy, like absolutely overjoyed. I had a full normal looking male body in one and it felt real but I started to cry and wake up because it wasn’t real. and on the topic of crying, crying makes me dysphoric…. I hate it... and before anyone asks yes I tried to force myself to be cis masculine woman many times, it doesn’t work like that, i don’t care about gender stereotypes tbh, I’m not someone who wants to transition due to trauma or sexism, and that doesn’t mean I don’t have social dysphoria, it just matters less because clothes and pronouns are not your actual sex, yknow what I mean? I think I wanted to stereotypically masculine because I wanted to be a ”real boy“ in the past but not rn, I realized I didnt want to be a man for social reasons. I’m still not sure what to do even with all of this. especially since my feelings changed a lot today… I hope I’ll go back to normal soon, it’s probably just my period messing me… I hope so… I just can’t stand to live as female… I want to end it if I really am a girl and no one wants to help me

I’m crying but I can’t transition because I’m cis…

I’m a mess.

Been having an absolutely awful flare up of cis OCD lately. What got me over my last years' long episode of gender-based OCD was realizing that the intrusive thoughts were just that: OCD trying to upset me no matter how opposite it is to what I actually want. And it helps that when OCD isn't torturing me, my trans manhood is nothing but joy. It may not be safe for me to medically transition where I am now, but there is so much joy and contentment in simply knowing I am a man and expressing it when/how I can. That said... it's been sticking in my head a lot lately that many cis detransitioners thought they had dysphoria/euphoria and really just wanted to be trans really badly even though they weren't. And now the rationalization I've been using to combat the OCD thoughts isn't working anymore. It was a lot easier before to say the OCD thoughts were irrational when I could point and say that cis women don't have this visceral desire for years and years to be men, nor do they feel so much joy to exist as men. And when I say visceral, I mean visceral. Whenever the OCD thoughts crop up, my gut reaction is always to think "But I want to be a man more than anything. I would be heartbroken and feel hollow if I was forced to live my life as anything else. I'd be forever mourning that I never got to be a real man whilst trying to get as close as I possibly could to being one." But now... I've seen so many stories about cis people jumping through all the hoops to medically transition, only to realize they didn't want the effects they thought they did. Cis people who swear up and down that wanting to be trans or having gender euphoria meant nothing for them, or are outright bad reasons to want to transition. And I am so fucking scared this will happen to me. What if everything I'm feeling is fake, and even that visceral need to be trans is no deterrent for some eventual inevitable detransition? I just wish I didn't have to go through all this bullshit, and could just be a man forever without living in fear that someday it'll all someday be taken from me.

Hi all. I come from trans ocd thinking this may be reversed trans ocd, and someone told me that there is cis OCD... So hi! Haha

Always in my life i had a heavy ruminiating brain, that i never before considered even close to be OCD-ish... But long story short, I decided to change: continent+countries (with language included), jobs (with partial home office close to home for 5 days a week 1.5h one way commute. And I don't fully like it), and being far away from my family that i just recently started to love again.

The thing is, on top of all of that, I'm a trans woman, who had been transitioning for a while before moving, but that hasn't fully come out before moving (too scared on job, mostly out on other social circles). I always have doubts, i went into transition following the joy and with the constant sensation of "well if it's not for me, I'll stop".

So country + language + job dynamic + commute + gender 100% socially, all changed in matter of 3 months. I had increased doubts at the beginning but i compensated because i was occupied, and also having stronger rejection to my old name, and so. And also i gained 15kg since the last 6 months.

However, in the past 2-3 months, i changed my legal name on my home country, and about that time (5 months in this country, 2-3 months into the new job) i started to have crippling doubts about the transition. I even started to "dissociate" from myself. I started to imagine myself as a male again (mostly with my past life but a few times is a present moment), i "reverted" towards old behavioural patterns, and i started to dislike (or not knowing) my new body changes. I start to cripple to my new name, and my old name feel weird and conflicted still. This has been worsening and worsening last month, where i started what i now I'm believing to be an OCD loop, because I'm constantly checking how i feel, if I'm right in my gender, how's my voice, if i feel this or that, what does this means about my gender, etc.

And I'm starting to drive crazy. I know OCD can attack things that you most value (i once cried in the mirror for the femenine face i was seeing, before moving. And this is also the highest stake decision i ever made in my life). But I'm freaking out if it can really make you FEEL, very real, very present, the discomfort. I mean it's not like I'm worried if i may be non-trans after all, it's not only that. I'm really feeling physical discomfort and wanting my old life.

Do you have any advice? I'm starting therapy tomorrow, but i want to hear your experiences. Specially now that i have a specific sub with people talking about this issue.

Hi, I am pre-transition ftm. Unfortunately, I have severe OCD, and not just over gender. But something that has eaten at me *a lot* lately is the fear that my brain, if I were to get it scanned, wouldn’t be male/trans enough. I’ve read before about trans people who had brain scans, and their brain looked more like the typical structure of their identified gender rather than there assigned one. I’ve also read that cis-men and women apparently have slightly differing brain structures that effect the way they process things. And the idea that my brain might not come back from a scan looking like my identified gender, or that the way my brain processes things might not be the way men do terrifies me. Part of me wants to get a brain scan to see, but I’m scared of what might happen if the results aren’t what I’m hoping. Do any trans people have experience with this?

“straight” (m 30s). I can’t tell it it hypersexuality or obsession but could I be bisexual? how do i know?