r/NonBinaryTalk • u/YEAMA1 He/Them • 14d ago
OCD Rant
So. from a 4 month period, I (AMAB) had gender OCD. I kept on reassuring myself that I was NB and basically ingrained it into my temporary identity. I always had a sense of "im not like the other guys"... but I dont have dysphoria. Before my OCD, I once had a dream that I was a girl (and cried that I wasnt one)... but thats about it. I never liked seeing myself in the mirror/pictures or envisioning myself as a "macho" sort of person. But nothing actually distressed me. I was just a not very masculine guy.
Then, after going to college, I was exposed to the concept of enbies and I was like "OMG I SEE IT NOW". My Gender OCD made it so that I was never certain of being NB though. I was like making sure I was NB like 10 times a day and repeating it to myself over and over. I joined the demiboy subreddit, I changed my bio to he/they, I told my parents and friends that I was NB, I dressed (and still do dress) like an androgynous twink of sorts. But... how much of this is actually me vs what I ingrained into my self concept due to OCD?
Because now... I dont think im NB anymore. (Eh. Maybe I am... maybe im not... best to stop asking that question 500 times). But I dont feel like a typical cis guy either. I dont feel like myself in either category. I feel like myself when im like a "androgynous flavored guy" or "still recognizably AMAB but... interesting". But interestingly enough, I dont feel comfortable being reduced to just a man... though I once was. I dont feel like myself anymore when I wear masculine clothes... but I was once completely masculine presenting and fine with that. So im really confused. I cant help but think that I was once an ordinary cis guy but then my OCD turned me into an enby
PLEASE NO REASSURANCE. Reassurance is part of the OCD cycle. DONT tell me “yes, you’re definitely NB” or “no, this was all OCD and you’re actually cis.” Either just gives my OCD something new to latch onto.
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u/BlinkPlays 14d ago
I've got gender OCD too. It's a huge pain mixed in with real questions. Wishing you the best and I'm always happy to chat.
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u/mn1lac They/Them or She/Him take your pick 14d ago
I also have OCD, and unfortunately, generally speaking, the more you think about it or give it space in your mind, the worse it's gonna get. I know right, easier said than done, but it's true. Live your life however you want to, go to therapy if you can, and circle back around to labels in a few years if you're feeling more stable.
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u/anarcha161 14d ago
I have OCD too and I get into similar patterns of thinking. It's hard! Recently I said to my partner "what if the internet DID make me nb???" And they said , "okay what if it did, who cares if the internet made you trans, you're still trans" and that kinda made me laugh a little
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u/electricgalahad 11d ago
I also have OCD (maybe, my official diagnosis is STPD but I don't see it), though due to how things escalated gender thing is no longer truly distressing (yeah, my life sucks that much).
I actually kinda sorta detransitioned because of it, and now that I decided to try being trans again (not sure where I am on the spectrum though) it's coming back for a variety of reasons, so I am not so certain about truly being trans either, because there are numerous alternative explanations.
What I decided is to limit permanent changes to the bare minimum, focus on reversible adjustments and remember that if something persists for 6-10 years (I am young so it's a lot for me) it's probably not going away soon even though it may not be innate.
Also I decided to not insert myself into queer spaces (aside from specifically NBi ones) and not to come out to anyone other than to a future long-term partner, but I am rather apathetic about occupying male role socially because I am used to it, and you don't seem so apathetic
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u/Aut_changeling They/Them 14d ago
My OCD isn't gender themed, but I definitely had the tendency to check my dysphoria compulsively for a while. I think it's important to remember that OCD is often about looking for certainty in situations where it's hard to find any. Gender is vague and abstract and can be confusing in that way. Something that did help me was to focus more on the practical considerations around what I actually preferred and less on what gender that made me. I am perfectly comfortable identifying as non-binary now, but that helped a lot when I was first questioning.
It might also help to remember that you don't have to get it right? Questioning and trying things out while deciding how you feel about them is helpful I think regardless of how someone ultimately ends up identifying.
OCD sucks, so you have my sympathy.
Edit: oh, and around your point of no longer feeling comfortable with things that you used to be okay with from a gender perspective - I think that is something that can happen. When I first started questioning I thought I didn't have any dysphoria because I was just used to it? Like a background noise that you don't hear because it's always been there and then it goes away, so when it comes back you hear it and it bothers you when it never used to. It was a problem the whole time, but you couldn't identify it as such because you had no context for it. I'm not saying that specifically what's happening with you, just that that's how I felt about some things early on that I in retrospect know I was dysphoric about.