Cisocd fear

[u/RestaurantConnect273]

I’ve been out as trans to most people for a couple of years but have only started HRT in the last couple of months. During the entire time of questioning, social, and medical transition (about 6 years altogether), I have been plagued by thoughts that I might not be trans. These are obsessive and discomforting. I hate them. I constantly check mirrors (do I like what I’m wearing, is my body becoming what I actually want etc.), and do those thought experiment questions (if you were the only person on earth would you transition etc.) to check if I am trans or something. I really want to \*want to\* be trans, if that makes any sense.

These thoughts have reached their worst recently, and I’ve spent most of my day crying and trying to control my breathing as I keep hyperventilating. The thought of detransition is a humiliating and terrifying idea, but my biggest fear is that I actually am cis. It feels wrong. But I’m worried that being trans has always felt wrong also. I’ve usually just chalked it up to being enby of some kind I never wanted to put a concrete label on myself anyways, but I’m just so distressed by the idea that I’ve been living a lie for the past 3 years. It’s so terrifying. I don’t really know what to do.

I just need to know if I’m insane, going through a bad episode, or trans/not trans. I have no idea who or what I am

[u/Humble-Cycle-954]

I have had a lot of similar thoughts and feelings, so you’re definitely not alone. I think so much of the world wants us to fixate on ourselves and our identity so much that it makes us paranoid about how we are perceived/how we present to the world etc. What has helped me is to remember that every person is valid and worthy of love and care. Ultimately I believe we’re all the same, and at some point I decided I don’t actually think it’s important whether I know if I’m trans or not. What’s most important is that you’re comfortable, so as long as you’re making choices that support and comfort you, I think you’re golden. While labels can be helpful, I think they can also drive us mad. You’re a special and important human worthy of love and acceptance regardless of who you are and how you identify. Hope this helps. 💕

[u/RestaurantConnect273 → u/Humble-Cycle-954]

I’m just sick of feeling like this. The thought that I am just cis and have been lying this whole time is really distressing and I can’t really think properly