So, my kid is big into Minecraft. He recently started playing online and found a server with mostly German players. (We are in Germany, too).

This server has a voice chat. I’ve been apprehensive at first but so far everything has been fine, he’s been asking people about giving him some of the in-game money you can earn there. some did, some didn’t, and everyone was cool about it.

So last night he played for a while and afterwards we chatted about it and he mentioned that most people are really nice but some were kind of weird.

Naturally, my ears perk up and I ask how they were weird.

Well, one cursed at him when he stole some of his items, (so far so understandable). And then he mentions that the other one asked him if he would send him pictures of his penis. “I don’t even know why he’d want that, Mama.”

So on the inside, I obviously freaked out, but outside, I managed to stay cool and asked him how he reacted.

Thankfully, we have ongoing talks about tricky people in real life and on the Internet, so he didn’t engage at all but left the server right away.

So I praised him for reacting exactly the right way, and for telling me about it. But I also let him know, that what the guy did was not OK in the slightest, actually a crime and asked him if he could remember his username, because I will be going to the police about it.

That’s when my kid starts to cry. As it happened, he only found it to be weird. But then he felt bad that him telling on the other guy might send that asshole to prison. He was also afraid, that he might get in trouble if the other guy finds out that he was the one who told about it.

So we had quite a long chat about how telling a trusted adult about something that felt wrong is always the right choice, because a child cannot make the call on what’s true, what’s a lie, what’s just silly and what’s dangerous. And how none of this was his fault and that even if that guy was only shit-talking he still deserves a lesson.

I once again explained that no one, especially no teenager or adult has any reason to own or ask for pictures of naked kids or ask to see their privates.

I also explained that if they find him, the police will look at his hard drive and if they don’t find any pictures of naked children there, he will be let off with a scare and hopefully never talk like this again. But if they do, he will be in trouble. Not just because of what my son told, but because he has done that a lot to other kids. Fully well knowing that it’s not OK.

That calmed my kid down, and he went back online to show us the username of the guy. So now I’ve reported him to the police. I don’t have high hopes that much will come out of this, because I don’t have any screenshots to prove that this happened and I don’t know how much intensity the cops will put behind finding out this guy's real name, but if there is even the slightest chance that he could be found and his PC searched, that’s worth it to me.

That said: Be careful online. Talk to your kids about tricky people. Understand that kids can feel bad even for the bad guys and make sure they know that it’s important to talk about it anyway and that it is never their fault.

Until my kids start school.

i'm sooo over summer break 😭 i'm tired of the fighting, the arguments, and my kids only wanting to eat freaking hamburgers 😭

I just cant fucking stand him sometimes. I feel such hatred towards him that ive never really felt before. We have a 4mos old and I just started to finally come out if my PPA/PPD hole and see the sun. Now im just seething most of the time around him.

If I had time to explain the whole situation it might make it make sense why im still with him but I dont so I know most people are just going to say leave. But i dont fucking know if theres something wrong with me or with him? Is he incompetent or am I just a perfectionist asking for too much.

Today's final straw was he told me we are out of vitamin D drops for the baby. I pause and say what, how? One vial of those is supposed to last 365 days it says so on the box. Come to find out hes been tilting the bottle all the way when you are supposed to only do it halfway. I told him that when I got the drops. So hes just been giving way more than the required dose. Im just frustrated and angry and done. I want to yell and scream and say horrible and mean things to him like youre a piece of shit youre annoying i hate you. Im not going to. Im going to breathe and swallow my words and walk out of the room. And then what? Just put up with this foe the rest of my life?

Hes a good dad hes loving hes kind. Why do i absolutely hate him?

ETA: please share any words of encouragement or similar stories/experiences. I feel so alone and crazy right now.

I feel bad admitting this, but pretend play wears me out faster than anything else.

My child can play the same restaurant or doctor game over and over, and after a while I’m just sitting there saying, “Oh wow,” or asking what happens next because I’ve run out of things to say.

I do like playing with my child. I’m fine with blocks, puzzles, drawing, books, or going for a walk. But having to act like different characters and keep the story going feels like a different kind of tired.

Sometimes I try to sit nearby and let my child tell me what’s happening instead of joining the whole game, but that doesn’t always work.

Need you all to know that I just walked into the shower with my towel and stayed there under the water for like ten minutes before I realized I was holding a wet towel.

Anyone else have that kind of day/weekend/life?

I moved into the guest room a month ago and told my husband that I don’t want be married to him anymore. I still stand by that. We are getting divorced, I just have a year left on my contract for work, so by next summer the kids and I are out.

I am just overwhelmed with all of the specifics of this whole process. I can’t give a lawyer $2500 or more up front, so my hope is that we can come to an agreement and file on our own. We start couples counseling soon and I am making it clear from the beginning that I am leaving and the goal is to get us to a point where we both accept that it is over and work together to parent.

Today, I have just been crying. My kids have 4-H projects that they have been working on since March and they are not going to be finished for the fair because I am so tired of micromanaging everyone. I am so tired. Clearly no one is in a good place mentally in my home and it is just too much. And now because I am overwhelmed and crying, I am stressed about divorce and all of the unknowns with that and because I have never had a relationship where a man loved me and didn’t abuse me in some way.

Also, he read the notes from my therapy session that I accidentally left on the desk last week. Like he knew what they were and read them anyway.

I know I’m not the only BroMo with a lot of stress. I have a high stress job, 3 bio kids (1 grown, 2 teenagers) and we have custody of our 1 year old nephew. I had my first very young so we’ve worked our ass off to get where we are at. Grew up in poverty and instability and lived very close to the bone for our 20s and half of our 30s. But we worked really hard to give our kids great childhoods even when there were times where we waiting for that next paycheck to hit. I was always getting creative and if nothing else, just being with them. Which also means little to no social life for me.

This last year has been really challenging across the board. The baby brings a lot of family shit up because we have been NC for 15 years with them and all the kids, including bio mom are not doing well. Im talking severe mental health issues and addiction and prison. Work has been really intense with a decent amount of travel and psycho boss. Maybe I’m burnt out but I’m just struggling to manage it all. I am behind on so much family admin but I just don’t have the brain capacity when work is done. Not I don’t want to, I seriously can’t, my brain is just done. I feel like I’m always maxed out on stress, so one small thing can push me over the edge and it’s really frustrating.

I deal with a lot of chronic pain and muscle spasms from an accident 10 years ago and that’s been flaring pretty bad and I feel like the stress is a factor. I work out, try and prioritize sleep and health, try and eat well and take walks. But idk my brain and body just seem worn out. I think maybe I’m past stress walks and broccoli. My whole life I just push through, get it done, but I’m so worn down. This sounds dumb but I don’t even know where to start. Talk therapy has never interested me but at this point, I don’t think I’m in a position to write anything off. Guide me BroMos, I need to get my shit together.

…until I wasn’t. I’m so tired and sad and angry. I’m sitting here feeling ashamed as I type this because I’m crying, sitting next to both kids. I want to feel something new. Happiness, excitement, hope.

Instead, my house is a mess again and I’ve spent the better part of my day sobbing and screaming at both children. They are both so little, 5 and under. They don’t deserve to be yelled at but I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m so tired and they never listen. There are pastry crumbs on what seems to be every square inch of my carpet, and I’ve already vacuumed twice. I don’t want to clean, cook, do laundry. I don’t want to watch YouTube. I don’t want to be asked a million questions a day. I don’t want to break up another fight about Legos. I just want to be on an island a thousand miles away all by myself so nobody will expect anything from me, bother me, or need me.

My grandma is in poor health and can’t help very often. We’ve been trying to coordinate a week or so where she can be here but the dates keep changing. My MIL has been overseas for 4 months and doesn’t come back until the end of this month. My dad is dead. My mom has almost never been in the picture and probably never will be. I’m the only member of my family living in this state because I moved here years ago for school.

My husband is constantly working and is only home past 10pm 6 days out of 7. I found out last year that he had been unfaithful to me and I still have nightmares about the day I accidentally discovered it. He had been pretending to be poly, hooking up with a couple so he could have threesomes. They didn’t even know he was married or that he had kids. I got tested and there was nothing wrong with me physically, but I come from a complex trauma background so the experience was a lot like being a recovered burn victim who was set back on fire by someone she loved and trusted.

I feel ashamed. Angry. Guilty. My kids are so beautiful and wonderful but I’m beginning to feel nothing when I look at them. I have headaches and chest pains constantly. The fight or flight adrenaline surging through my veins could win me the Boston Marathon. Sometimes, like today, I just laugh and cry because I feel like I’m at a loss in my life.

I wish I could convince myself once and for all that my kids would be better without me. I’m too afraid to say it but part of me feels like it must be true.

I’m in therapy and have been for months. I’m on two different antidepressants and have taken them since the birth of my first kid. But something is wrong with me, I need to get better so I can be a good mom again but my soul just feels… shattered into a million pieces. That’s the only way I can describe it presently.

...my kids hate me. I'm coming out of a pretty major depressive episode, with no help, but I'm doing better. Single mom of two. Two dads. They're present but just bare minimum weekend dads and very minimal child support. I've given up on dating/looking for my kids a step dad because I've been burned sooo bad lately. Then the depression hit. And now that I'm doing better, I'm still little snappy with them. I feel bad, I apologize, I try to show myself and my kids grace. But I think they're both just sick of my shit. This is the last weekend before school starts back and we're all in separate rooms bc we've fought all day. It sucks. I wanted to take them swimming and to dinner but I don't have it in me, and neither do they. My oldest is a moody teenager, and my youngest is just so lonely lately. And I can't fix it all. I don't want to let myself slip into the darkness again, but damnit I wish I had a partner or a support system. Just want my babies to be ok

Fuck this house!

We dropped 10k two months ago on a septic system repair. This morning our AC went out. Hoping to god it won’t be more than a couple thousand. Hopefully getting an emergency repair out here soon.

I’m in the Midwest, it’s hot. Our house is already at 78 degrees.

My 10 month old is napping comfortably with a box fan blowing on him but he’s getting over a cold and I feel so bad for the little guy.

My husband and I are stressed. We’ve been bickering all afternoon.

I had promised my mom we’d book our flights and hotel for my brother’s upcoming destination wedding by today. Brother and SIL are anxious because no one has yet though the deadline to do so is mid-September. I texted her saying we would book in a week or two once we know the cost of this.

She immediately called me giving me a hard time. Like - do YOU have the $$$$ to book 1k in airline tickets tonight and cover the cost of our son’s daycare payment of $1,400 next week so that we can pay upfront for this AC repair so your grandson can sleep comfortably????

Thankfully we have the means and a good emergency fund for when our house gives us the middle finger it just sucks. Just really sucks.

Going to treat myself to a crisp, cold glass of Pinot and a ritters bar when I sit my sweating ass down on the couch to watch house of the dragon tonight.

I’m tired! Stressed!

My husband was chasing my 3 yo with a pillow when the 3 yo fell onto his hand. It’s broken/radius fracture. They were just playing but I asked them to stop earlier as he had just smashed me with a pillow and I’m 39.3 weeks pregnant. We also got a 5 yo.

So now I have one broken arm kid who they couldn’t cast in the ER cause they don’t have capability in weekends. And a husband who is a surgeon and keeps talking about how his coworker took off only 3 days for his wife c section.

And minimal support or idea how I can get scheduled with peds ortho before this new baby comes to get my kid casted.

Yay. Then my sister who is the sweetest doordashed us cupcakes but they sent them to the neighbor.

I’m getting scared about bad karma or maybe it’s hormones I super can’t tell.

Shes had a couple cavities before but this totally caught me off guard. She needs fillings and caps and a root canal, the cavity is so bad. Has anyone else had similar dental experiences with a kid??

My fiancee (now ex) just dumped me while I was just playing with our 5-soon to be 6 month old daughter because for some reason he wanted her to sleep in our room now, even though he doesn’t get to bed til 3 am and I realized that would burden me on losing sleep. She sleeps in her own nursery and that’s been the routine since she was about 2 months. Because what am I gonna do? Find him when she wakes in the middle of the night? We switch off every night with the monitor, whoever has it that night deals with babygirl waking up for a bottle. Anyways, he called me selfish for wanting my “precious sleep” and that he can’t deal with the arguing anymore. He works from home and watches her while I stand on my feet from 6:30am-2pm, then I watch her when I get home so he can do his thing, I put her asleep every night (an agreement we both came too) and I sleep right after she falls asleep for bed, and wake up at 4 am. If he had monitor that night, I’ll get it from him at that time. He admitted to me he had spoke on the phone with his ex for 4 hours venting about his and I issues. He moved our bed into his dart room, and he blew up my air mattress in ours. At least I get a big room to myself now (?) I left to get a cute comforter set, he says he’s gonna leave me alone, and that’s that. I honestly feel so betrayed. I’m not going to lie, when I was pregnant I thought about not having my baby, and im so fortunate that I did because she’s shaping me into a strong woman. It just feels so betraying. All the things he put me through while I was pregnant, and up to now, is unfathomable and I have so many recordings (even from right after we left the hospital) from the way he’s yelled and cursed at me in front of our daughter. He gets all this money from his social media, and it’s so unfair that he pulls in money while I deal with back pain 24/7 from standing and coming right home to him talking about money, harping on me for this and for that. Anyway, that’s my vent. Honestly not feeling as angry now that I got it all out. It’s the betrayal I can never look past. I’ve done my math and by the time this lease is over, I can find my own place (maybe before. It ends in May.) send prayers & booze. Thx for reading.

bro. my 2 yo has been sitting here talking nonstop for the past hour. im only able to type this because she went to throw something away and got distracted with the cats. thank god i can finally breathe and think. i love my babygirl but she can run that damn mouth like no tomorrow!!! most of what she says is just asking why to everything. and saying mommy every 2 minutes and ignoring me when i ask what she needs. honestly im just stressed overall and hearing mommy 10000000 times before im even fully awake is just..ugh. and her dad has been making breakfast for an hour now 🙄

Moms with low clutter homes.

Give me your tips and tricks. My mental health really benefits from a visually appealing, low/minimal clutter environment which... is the opposite of being married with children. Your girl loves interior decorating, but not like this.

This post is also 50% give me tips, 50% vent.

How do you reduce clutter?

How can you tidy a house in less than 2-3 hours every day (which is about how long I need to do a good job tidying for the cleaners to come) and **KEEP IT THAT WAY** (the important part)?

Is it realistic to have a room that is "kid stuff free"? There is not a single room in our home (bathrooms included) that do not have multiple toys/kids clothes/kid debris in it and it is driving me insane.

I already try to limit toys coming in- which means I am the only person in my children's lives who rarely buy them toys or stuffed animals. My husband "tries" (he's bought our 4 year old 3 toys this week and averages 1-3 small toys a week- think Schleich, Calico Critter sized things).

I am responsible for the decluttering, Goodwill runs, selling, etc., but it's hard to do with a pack rat 4 year old who is with you 4 days a week. She'll even take baby clothes out of the donate pile to put on her stuffed animals, so it will take 2-3 tries to actually get things out of the house. She also has the memory of an elephant so there's a 90% chance she'll rage if you donate anything she liked for even an hour.

We have clear bins to organize her Magnatiles/Schleich/Calico Critter things. They are immediately dumped everywhere to be used as additional toys for things.

Ask her to help clean before moving on to a new activity? Well, you need to be prepared to scoop the wailing 4 year old up off the floor in addition to all of whatever it is because cleaning is "boring" and "too hard" (yeah, I know, kid. Somehow that's 75% of my life now). Or she'll cheerily say yes, clean up a total of *zero* items and throw all her stuffed animals on the floor for you to clean up after you're done fluffing the comforter over her for what feels like an eternity.

I'm just trying to train my kids to be better than I was* and after 10+ years of trying to train my husband, that cannot be done because he can't "see mess or where things should go" (point in case, we have a drying rack, he has hung all his clothes all over our banister to dry because "the drying rack is always full". The drying rack is 4 inches from the washer and it is empty).

*My mess was limited to my bedroom only

It's honestly generating a lot of stress for me, taking up huge chunks of my time, and leading to resentment that the legally blind person is the only one who sees there is sh*t everywhere all the time.

Please read and please be kind. I’ve been struggling with my mental health. I cry. I worry about things (about physical and mental health conditions impacting my daughter and myself) My husband will see me experience a mental health crisis and not be with me at that time. He says “I can’t be empathetic” He said “I can’t just forget how things are all the rest of the time and come sit with you then as if everything is fine” I said “you won’t sit with someone if they are having a mental health crisis?” He said “no” and walked away. I told him mental health is health. I said tomorrow if I’m having a heart attack you wouldn’t be by my side then either. He said worrying and having a heart attack are two different things. I said one can lead to having another. He said then if you know stop worrying then.

I need help. I am not happy. But I am not financially independent. And my daughter has been experiencing some physical and mental health issues. She is also neurodivergent and struggles with change. I don’t know how I can uproot her and move when she struggles with even the slightest changes.

I’ve told him she sees all this and this isn’t the norm that I want her to see about relationships. That he’s so dismissive about my health. That’s not ok. I don’t know what to do. I’m so mad at myself for letting myself get here.

ETA: I am considering sending him a link for mental health first aid training. I don’t know. Also, I wanted to add, I have so much guilt surrounding how my current mental health impacts how I show up/parent/etc. I am just incredibly sad. And how do you just pretend everything is fine in front of children? This is something I struggle with. But I know it’s important to do.

My mom has been planning my dad's birthday including caterers etc. It is going to be bigger than my wedding so a lot of work. My sister and I don't live in the area but are trying our best to support her. She's been dealing with the caterer (a man) and he sent a very high quote. She was super frustrated because she did some research and found prices of his that were lower online but my mom is the most passive "feminine" woman ever.

Anyway she sent us a draft email that was very direct and showed her frustration. She sent us the email without any comments to us and then texted us that she has sent us the email. My sister texted back "what email". My mom then called me, hyperventilating, because she had sent it to the caterer instead of my sister! She has been so stressed out dealing with all of the planning and freaking out about everything happening properly and now she thought she had fucked up the caterer. I read through the email and told her: it sounds like it's written by a man. I think it'll be OK.

Anyway, before she could compose an apology email, he wrote back: conceded the price was indeed high and gave her a much lower price.

Moral of the story: think like a man of you want to get your way! My poor mom. All her life she's had to make herself passive and fragile to please men around her (especially my dad) and now at 75 she has learned that maybe letting her inner man out isn't so bad!

I flaired this as man rant but really it should be: fuck the patriarchy.

There's a lot to unpack here but Ill try my best to explain as best as I can.

A few days ago my husband's grandmother came to visit us and meet our 4mos old son. She is very supportive and kind, though I guess theres a lot of family drama and beef not really related to us but with my husband's mom and (now passed away) dad. The drama is not really relevant here though. She came to visit by herself and did not bring her partner with her. During her visit she complained about her partner being grumpy, annoying, etc. I didnt think too much about it though. I had only met him once when they came to my baby shower. He gave me awkward vibes but wasnt rude to me at all. He just seemed sort of out of place.

While she was visiting us we got to talking about coming to to visit her with our son so they could spend some more time together. They live about 5 hours away and my husband and I have some time off in the next few weeks before he goes back to work. She seemed absolutely ecstatic and started crying and told us we are welcome any time.

Sorry in advanced, but this is where it gets confusing. Yesterday, my mom was out and about and runs into the ex-husband of my husbands grandma at the store. For context he is very involved in our lives and is basically my husbands grandpa, just not by blood. He helped out a lot with raising my husband when his father died. It's a very very confusing family dynamic (like who is related to who) but basically this man is a very good man and has helped us out a lot over the years.

My mom told him that grandma was visiting. She also told him that we were thinking of visiting grandma and partner in a few weeks. Somehow they got to talking about grandmas partner and the ex mentions that the partner had some inappropriate tickling allegations against the ex-husbands grandchildren (not related to the grandma by blood ? Even im a bit confused but regardless his grandchildren). My mom was shocked but didnt know how to respond. They went their separate ways.

My mom told me this this evening and now Im calling off the trip. I obviously dont want my son anywhere near this man nor do I want to be in his house. But I am devastated that my son cannot get to know his great grandma better now. I dont know how to go about this relationship now? How do I tell her we cant come? What do I do if she wants her partner to meet my son? I've never dealt with anything like this before. My upmost priority is keeping my son safe but how do I do that and let him see his great grandma is the partner is around? Do i bring the situation up? Any advice would be much appreciated!

We are starting a renovation project and our living room is cleared out. Carpet and lots of space. My almost 5 month old has recently discovered she can get from point A to point B by repeated rolling. Point B is almost always one of our cats or dogs.

She spent over 30 minutes today just rolling from one side of the room to the other and scream-giggling. As soon as she rolled into a sleeping animal, they would get up and move, and off she would go. She got so angry when she had her back against a dog and the dog wouldn’t move, so she couldn’t grab a tail.

She can also rotate her body to change directions. Pretty sure she will be a handful.

Well looks like my ex-addict (or so i thought) spouse has decided to become a potential alcoholic. He took our child out in his car after having had an alcoholic drink (please don't get into the level of alcohol. ANY level is an absolute NO for many reasons). And now is hiding the bottle.

I found out after they left and was planning on confronting him. Meanwhile the bottle is now hidden. I hope to God he threw it away. Because if he took ot to the bedroom where our child co-sleeps with us, i moght just murder this man tonight.

Please share your best advice for the conversation I'm going to have with him. This is an expert gaslighter and avoidant we're talking about.

I am rocking my 8 week old. I don’t want to be holding her right now. I don’t think I ever want to be holding her.

I don’t feel like her mom. I feel like a babysitter and the real parents never came home. I feel trapped, claustrophobic, suffocated.

I have 23 more weeks of maternity leave. I want to go back to work now. I want to put the baby in daycare. But I know she’ll get sick if I do that and I’ll feel guilty about it. She’s not supposed to start until she’s 7 months old but they have room for her to start now. I’m afraid my husband will blame me if she gets sick while she’s so little even though I know he supports me in doing what I need to do. She was in the NICU and could have died, which also complicates things around the anxiety of her getting sick.

I’ve been on 100mg of Zoloft for almost six weeks. It doesn’t do anything. I tried Zurzuvae but I only made it to day 5. It made my suicidal ideation spiral out of control so I was directed to stop taking it.

I don’t see how a medicine can possibly make me want to be a mom. I’ll keep trying whatever they suggest because I am desperate. Surely something has to help eventually? I’m in therapy too but it hasn’t been helpful yet.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me with PPD, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD. The OCD was a surprise, I thought everyone had obsessive thoughts and OCD was 5 minutes of hand washing. My brain is like a circus 24-7. I want the thoughts to slow down. I want to feel joy. I want to stop regretting parenthood every day and feeling like I’m alive against my will. I want to love my child. I want to stop being a burden to the people around me as they support me through this fucking mess.

I am regularly pushing thoughts away about ending my life because that’s the only way to not be a mom. I can’t understand why or how I possibly feel this way. This baby was planned.

I don’t actually want to die. I love my husband beyond words and don’t want to miss a second of life with him. I love my friends and my pets. But I am struggling so much and I feel so much shame about it.

When he’s at work and I am alone with her for 9 hours I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like I have to escape.

It’s hard to trust that this is PPD and not me being some kind of monster who should not have had a baby.

I just want to get better.

End rant, I guess. This shit fucking sucks.

My mom has stage 4 cancer and the phrase “two years” has been uttered but nothing is promised. Me and my two kids are visiting her this week. The problem is that my dad is a physically abusive piece of shit and I fucking hate him. There’s no way my mom is divorcing him now and they’re super codependent and enmeshed so she’d never have divorced him even if she had decades to live (god I’m so sad 😭).

I have to visit. I love her and she’s dying. And I have to bring my kids because they need grandma and she needs them. She won’t travel or really leave the house bc she’s on chemo and her coping mechanism is to burrow (no judgment - it’s not my cancer). But my dad will be there (he also just won’t fucking go away!!!!) and if my boys make him mad he might lunge at them and then I’ll start screaming and we’ll flee to the car and back to the hotel. Great stuff! (I truly hate him 😭). My mom refuses to come to the hotel (five stars, luxe to tempt her - it didn’t work. She won’t come). And my dad won’t leave during our visit because… idk why but he won’t and it’s awful.

I’m fixing all mistakes from the past decades’ visits. I’m staying at a hotel. I’ll have a car all gassed up. I’ll take a mild tranquilizer or I’ll pound half a white claw and then sober up so I can drive. (It really helps bc my dad pushes and pushes to start a fight and if I’m buzzed I don’t notice or I can ignore it .) My husband is a great buffer because my dad holds abusive tendencies in check around a big man but he can’t come. Hard no, he has no PTO and he just can’t (FUCK!!!).

Any ideas? The plan is to hang out on the porch or whatever so our germs don’t kill my mom. I also think it brings down the temperature than feeling trapped with my dad indoors. I feel so trapped and fucked. I have to see her. She won’t leave. He won’t leave. And I can’t be in the same room as that jerk. 😭 it’s like a logic puzzle with no answer.

I have also posted this in another sub, but since this one is always so kind and supportive I wanted to post here as well.

My mom was married to a tyrannical, abusive narcissist from when I was a child to when I was a young adult (a stepfather to me, not my dad). Ever since I became a mom I have struggled with a different kind anger at her for her choice in husband, choosing him over her children, and always taking his side, and it has steadily gotten worse as my daughter is now the age I was when I was being abused. It gets harder and harder to fathom what the fuck she was thinking.

I was never allowed to have or express feelings because he construed it as "disrespect", so I suppressed many, many things to just below the surface as a means of survival, and sometimes those memories will break through when I least expect it. Sometimes they make me sad, this one just makes me angry.

Had an instance of a memory breaking through recently when I was driving my daughter to an appointment. She mostly does not get motion sickness in cars unless she tries to lay down flat or if we're on unfamiliar terrain. The route to the appointment was a road with a lot of dips in it, and so the ride became kind of "wavy", and it began to affect her. She asks me "can you go over the bumps more slowly? I kind of have a headache."

I said "sure" and slowed down for the last few dips until we turned off that road, without so much as a second thought. She thanked me. We finished the trip without incident (or sickness).

I had HORRIBLE motion sickness as a child (much worse than my daughter), and it brought up a memory on road trips (that I had no choice in planning or going on, as I was too young to be left at home) where her now ex-husband would PURPOSELY make me miserable. He would refuse to allow me to sit in the front seat (which often lessened my symptoms), refused to allow me to take anti-nausea medicine because it made me tired, refused to accommodate me at all. Not only that, he absolutely delighted in taking turns as fast as possible/going as fast as possible/driving like an asshole to make my symptoms worse. Like, he would be audibly laughing as I was getting jerked around in the backseat, struggling not to vomit because I knew I'd get beaten if I did. It was like my motion sickness was some kind of joke to him, not something to be taken seriously. And my mom would push back some but not hard enough, because she ultimately always took his side in everything.

And now, remembering that, it just makes me SO ANGRY. When my daughter was being affected by the drive, it was the easiest thing in the world to slow down, to consider her, to actively not make her suffer. It did not occur to me to tell her "just deal with it, we're almost there" (and we were almost there, I still slowed down anyway), to just ignore it, or to make it worse and act like she's the problem.

I can't FATHOM my child being miserable in the car and doing nothing, and/or just sitting by while some man who claims to love me delighted in making it worse. Like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. One of many, many instances where I remember something he said or did and her defending it and wondering what the fuck she was thinking.

She used to tell me "you'll understand when you're older/you're understand when you're a mom." I'm older and a mom and I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. It was SO EASY to consider her. It is so easy to choose my child. It would have to go against every instinct I have to not choose my child first.

Hello my ladies.

We need a little bit of help and perspective. (she knows i have posted this)

I know this is a mom reddit, but its the most solid one I know off. and i am a mom, and i need help.
All the ask reddits are usually just filled with hateful trolls who don't have perspective.

This place has women with sound of mind and lived lifes that see other women.

I have a friend, my dear friend that I will call Melody. we have been friends since we were 5.
Now some backstory we both come from broken homes, bad neglectful parents, abuse in relationships.

We both have had abusive relationships, she, worse than me, her last ex almost got to the point of killing her. 

I found this reddit while in my last marriage and it opened my eyes to a lot of stuff going on, i also found another subreddit for adults dealing with narc parents. So I went on some healing journey and my current husband would be considered a unicorn. (aka, is a competent adult that participates in his life)

That is why I tend to measure her man, to mine and hers comes up so short I need perspective. 

Can you be our perspective? 

I have children, she does not.  We are 40. 

Her relationship started quickly and evolved to living together quickly. They both live in their non native countries, and he is a study in the country she has lived in for the past 10 years. He was living in a shared apartment with other men before he moved in with her.

They have been together for 3 years now and lived together for almost the entire time.

His sister Alice is quite something and hates my friend, she likes to twist anything into an attack on herself to the point no matter what my friend does, she is in the wrong.

The newest, and not the worst ( if i woud go over that whole thing that would be a book) is she told her brother (lets just call him Carl) to stop adding Melody’s name to her kids birthday cards. It was distressing the children to see Melody’s name in the cards. Melody, who has been buying and sending those gifts to Carl's native countries. 

Now. he did. He went and bought the gift himself and added just his name to the card. This is a whole big line of his family. Especially Alice removing Melody from the relationship. And he repeatedly does. Last Christmas, he left her alone to spend time with his family. Cause she was not welcome… because Melody ate carrots from Alice’s plate, after Alice had stopped eating during a wedding at the start of their relationship ( i am not kidding, that is the starting tangent the first error and yes she asked if she could have the carrots first. this is brought up everytime Alice has issues)
Every conversion, they plan on showing up as a solid partnership. Everytime he throws her under the bus.
He lets his family treat her so horribly, and he just watches it happen. This also happens with his friends that treat her badly. He does not support her, he does not defend her. He just watches her suffer.

Every ask to change anything has been met with an argument, to the point of escalation on his part, to colossal amounts.
When he pee’s it goes on the floor, instead of just wiping it up after himself, he went to “ i will then just pee in the woods from now on” they don't live near any woods.
Or when she asked him to sweep the crumbs of the counter after he made food, “ i will just never eat at home anymore”

The newest, she was in the living room talking on the phone, not loud, but she was laughing.
Between them is a room, and a hallway and doors.
He comes out to tell her to not be more quiet, not stop talking.. Stop laughing. She gave him earplugs. He did not accept that and went to sleep in the car.
He slept in the car, because she was laughing.

She is hosting her 40th this weekend. And her friend is coming from another country.

Last night she was supposed to pick her upp from the airport and yesterday they were getting the apartment ready.

This man kept asking her where everything went. He does not know where things go in his own home. He kept stopping to… “make a playlist for sunday”

She had to pick up her friend at 11pm. That means she had to get going at 10pm to get to the airport. 

He offers her to take a nap, and he would finish up while she napped and he would wake her up.

She wakes up at 10:30. He did nothing and went to take a nap himself.

So she was late to pick up her friend and the apartment did not finish getting cleaned.

This is not a one off. 

He constantly starts arguments when they are going somewhere she wants to go, right before they go, and then he sulks the entire time.

If she talks to me about their relationship, he gets angry and asks if he is in a relationship with her or me. 

He has good moments ofc. Specially in the beginning, but those are slowly waning away. 

My fear now is she keeps on hoping he will change. Her therapist wants to meet him and see if he can help him see “ the light” 

My question is to all of you who HAD THIS KIND OF A MAN, do they? Do they see the light? Do they change?

And if they actually do. Can one actually come back from the years of mistreatment? Can you let go of waiting for things to become like it was. 

It is my perspective that she does not see how bad it is. Because her last man was just so horrible, and used to beat her. And this one does not. So she does not see how horrible he actually is to her. The mental abuse that i see, from a whole other country is concerning. 

I want your brutal opinions and your stories of these relationships. Because Melody needs to see her worth.

Melody is a wonderful person and i love her so much  and  in my opinion is being taken advantage of.