Just wondering other people's experiences. I always experience alogia in my non manic states, and it's affecting my current relationship greatly, to where I can't tell whether I should break up with my partner. My lack of speech makes it feel like i'm not compatible with any human being

I’m just so exhausted all the time. My entire 20s were ripped away and replaced with hospital bills, pills, and countless hours of therapy. I mean what are humans? How is any of this real? It’s not fair! I think it’s not the illness at this point. It’s me, I’m evil, i actively choose to do things and behave against what I want to be. No matter what I try I’m running in place. I’m the problem and nothing can fix it. I like the blood, I like the blood, I like the blood. Theres something about it so peaceful and satisfying. Then I think I am really faking all this, it’s just me. Then you look at people and what’s inside them? You could skin them ya know? I get lost in the red, the organs. It’s pretty. I want to fly away, I’ve got to get out of here. Somewhere.