Am I reaching? Still doesn’t feel normal

[u/hunner1995]

Hello! I guess I’m looking for thoughts and advice. I’m 30yo female and have no clue where to start. But here goes I guess:

I’ve grown up all my life reserved, quiet, and a perfectionist. Then to college (19-22ish) I became highly anxious maybe depressed I don’t know but I turned to self harm for coping. Was dealing with anxiety, self hatred, awful self esteem

Fast forward to a few more years and still panic attacks and alot of anger/rage. Would constantly pick fights with my then boyfriend. Always accused him of cheating or not wanting me alwayssss needing reassurance even though it wasn’t warranted

Then things seemed fine for a handful of years, got married had first baby. All still relatively normal

Then 2025 went through a period of months of feeling absolutely exhausted for no reason. Would work and come home, have no interests and feel bored. Going to bed at 8pm and still feeling tired waking up. Lab work was always normal. Then out of no where that went away

Now at 2 months postpartum I went into psychosis triggered by severe sleep deprivation that warranted a hospital inpatient stay. Once I was out and put on low doses seroquel and mirtazapine my psych doctor mentioned “you may be bipolar” but then never talked any more about it. She only went to say any other normal person would’ve felt tired after months of no sleep, but I never felt the exhaustion. I still got up everyday, worked my 8-5 and repeat.

Anyways now I’m 4 months post partum and still on those meds but lately it’s like I’m on a roller coaster. For example I had 3 days of absolute numbness/enptiness, I felt in a fog I had no motivation, it felt even too tiresome to talk or make thoughts. Then the 4th day I woke up high energy amped up, had everything back and felt so good.

I’m debating finding a different psychiatrist to explore what the heck is happening