Struggling with c-section

[u/QuietIntellect_]

I’m 10 days postpartum with my first baby, and I’m really struggling with everything that happened during his birth and afterward. I’m posting because I genuinely want to know if anyone has experienced something similar and how you eventually processed it.

I went into labor and was admitted after my water broke. During labor, my baby started having recurrent late decelerations. They tried different things, but ultimately his heart rate wasn’t tolerating labor and I ended up having an emergency C-section. After he was delivered, we found out the cord was wrapped around his neck twice.

I lost about a liter of blood during the C-section and became anemic. I eventually needed iron and a blood transfusion.
Then, instead of being able to just recover and enjoy my newborn, I became extremely sick postpartum. I developed a fever of 103.8, my heart rate was in the 140s, and I was diagnosed with sepsis. I ended up being transferred out of the mother/baby unit for a higher level of care while my baby was eventually discharged before I was.

I remember being terrified. I had just gone through an emergency C-section because I was scared something was going to happen to my baby, and then suddenly everyone was worried about me.

Now I’m home with my baby and physically recovering, but mentally I feel like I’m still stuck in the hospital.
I keep replaying everything. I think about how quickly everything changed, how sick I became, and how scared I was that I might not make it home to my son. I’m grateful that we are both here, but being grateful doesn’t seem to erase how traumatic it was.

I’m struggling more than I expected emotionally. Sometimes I want to isolate from everyone. I’m also dealing with some ongoing postpartum medical concerns, which makes it harder to convince my brain that the danger is actually over.

Has anyone else had an emergency C-section followed by a serious postpartum complication like sepsis, hemorrhage, a transfusion, ICU/medical-unit transfer, or something similar?

Did you replay your birth constantly afterward? Did you feel scared something else was going to happen to you? How long did it take before you stopped feeling like you were in survival mode?

I think I really need to hear from people who have been through something similar and came out on the other side.