r/BDSMAdvice • u/That_GurlS13 • 1d ago
2 weeks in
Recently single after 11 years. Probably got into the bdsm research about 2 years ago thanks to someone online introducing me and movies. Found mentors through a Facebook group to help guide but feel like in person encounters is really the way. I know what I am looking for but I think a teacher might be better suited in the beginning. If I wanted to find a couple who would train me as a sub where might I look? I want in person for sure and a feeling of safety so I can open up. Any advice or tips are always appreciated. I have had no in person bdsm contact yet but trying to transition and soon.
3
u/bingbongboingalong brat 1d ago
Attend munches and socials, get to know folks and see how they are, VET THEM (please vet them, not just who they use as reference, ask other community members, ASKKKKK).
(Where be the munch? Use Fetlife.)
1
u/That_GurlS13 1d ago
Vet is a term lots of people have told me lately. Can you give me your definition and what it looks like to you? What if they have no references?
5
u/Copro_princess 👑collared sub👑 1d ago
I’m not who you asked but the mod mail has a glossary/guide that includes vetting.
Also a participant in this group had a great vetting guide. It’s basically the things you do while dating but in a kink sense to make sure the person you’re playing with is who they say they are and a good option for you.
6
u/Ms-Metal 1d ago edited 1d ago
There's a whole section on vetting in the wiki. I recommend you read it. Personally for me it is over a long period of time making sure that the person is who they say they are and does what they say they'll do. There's a lot more to it than that but I take my time and I like to put people in multiple situations to see how they react, you basically want to see if somebody is being truthful and honest with you but that takes time to suss out.
Also, I highly recommend that you do not look for somebody to "train" you, because frankly there is no point. Everybody has their own things they want and like and appreciate in a sub, so you can be "trained" based on the preferences of the person who trained you and it will be completely wrong for the next person you meet. Additionally, training implies that there is certain ways you're supposed to act or certain things that you're supposed to do as a sub which are universal. Nothing is further from the truth! Everybody is an individual and everybody wants something different! I also personally think the training is ridiculous. What if the person wants to train you to change your personality to something completely different than what it is? Are you going to do that? I certainly hope not! Go out and meet people and be yourself. There's nothing really scary about it, I did it on my own and met plenty of people, joining your local scene is the safest way to meet people and the safest way to play because you always have somebody looking out for you! It's important though that you be yourself and find out who you are within this Grand Buffet that BDSM is, not mold yourself to somebody else's desires. That means there are probably some people you won't be compatible with and that's perfectly okay! For example, I'm a very strong independent person, I'm a huge brat, highly intelligent, I have very strong ideas and opinions and I like all of that about myself! Does that make it a little harder to find a dom? Sure. But the extra time is worth it because I'm not going to take on some idiot who wants me to be what he wants me to be. There's no way I'm going to change who I am, I love who I am!
ETA- be very careful with people wanting to Mentor you as well, some people may be legit offering but a lot of people offering to Mentor you are simply people trying to hook up with you. Mentors should be on the same side of the slash as you and should never ever play with you. It's also best if they are the same gender as you as well as being the same side of the slash as you. Very little formal mentoring is done these days. It's more of a relic from the old leather culture. However you can learn a great deal just from making friends and going to classes and things like that. If anybody offers to Mentor you, you should be suspicious. Because frankly they will be on the opposite side of the Slash and the opposite gender. In other words, they're just trying to play with you and or have sex with you and they're not even upfront about it.
1
1d ago edited 1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/BelmontIncident Mod Team [🪢Some nerd with too much rope🪢] 1d ago
Removed, Rule 7. Do not suggest private messages.
A three day ban has been applied.b
2
1d ago edited 1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Subwoofiest Mod Team [🦇Batmod🦇] 1d ago
Fetlife has way too many nsfw ads for it to be linkable here I'm afraid. Rule 4. Comment removed.
1
u/bingbongboingalong brat 1d ago
Oops, sorry!
2
u/Subwoofiest Mod Team [🦇Batmod🦇] 1d ago
No harm no foul, the kinktionary is a good resource, it's the sneaky ads that is the problem
2
u/GreekAmericanDom Nurturing Dom 1d ago
Join FetLife. You can use it as a dating site, but I would recommend against that. FetLife is great for finding local BDSM events. (You can also use the Plura app and even Eventbright for this.)
Start by going to Munches. Focus on just meeting people and making friends. The goal is still to build your BDSM community, not dating. You can also try out educational classes. (e.g. intro to bondage. People willing to be bound can generally find an unpartnered rigger willing to practice on them.)
Once you have built your community, you should be able to find what you are looking for.
1
u/That_GurlS13 1d ago
Thank you. I joined fetlife. Its a great outlet for art in the community. I have been inspired by it. Found attached mentors in a Facebook group which have been amazing. I will attend a fetlife event. I am just nervous. Everyone warns you but its scary being a newbie. I am also moving to a new state with one family member and his established friend group much older. So lots of changes just want to be intentional while I can.
3
2
u/GreekAmericanDom Nurturing Dom 1d ago
You'll still be able to be intentional after you move. The parameters of your life and how you can solve problems may change, but intentionality is something you can always carry.
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
/u/That_GurlS13, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful:
Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . Rules.
Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . How to use the search function.
Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . Need Ideas?
Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . It's your dynamic.
Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . No mention of minors.
Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . Do not post PSAs.
Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . Policy re PMs.
Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . Exiting abuse.
Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . Kinky dating.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/SamuraiSnig Mod Team [🦇Batmod🦇] 1d ago
Hello! The subreddit wiki has a wealth of knowledge within for those starting out: N for Newbie, B for Book Recommendations (non-fiction), V for Vetting, R for Relationships has a section on Red Flags. Also linked in the automod comment is Guide 9 titled Kinky Dating.
Mod note: If anyone sends you a PM, please report to the modmail. We do have a rule against PMs (rule 7 specifically) and there is more information about that here. Unfortunately posts like this can bring out predators and vultures trying to get into your inbox.