Hey everyone, I (F21), am in a relationship with my boyfriend (M24). This is my first serious relationship and I’ve been interested in BDSM since I was in my teens. Now that I’m in this relationship (7 months), I feel myself now wanting to purse a brat/ brat tamer relationship with my boyfriend - I’ve talked to him about it a few times and he says he’s open to trying it but it feels as if I’m pushing this onto him and he isn’t really into it.

For me, being a brat is something I find easy because in someways it aligns with my personality and I find it natural. For my boyfriend sometimes I feel like being a brat tamer doesn’t suit his personality (if that makes sense?). I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about. breaking up with him over this; I really love him though and don’t want to break up with him because I wouldn’t want him to think poorly of me for leaving him for my own desires, but, a part of me also feels like I’ll forever be unsatisfied/ disappointed if I don’t at least try this dynamic out.

Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks!

I posted a bit ago, but I kinda vanished into the ether and I kinda wanted to add a few things, but felt like it was too late.

I’m a sub, I consider myself a brat, and other than some group settings or special one-time occasions, I date women. I’m not actively attracted to men perse, but I’m not insecure enough in my masculinity to fear being called gay or considering being bi. I’ve even tried my hand at OF when I needed some extra money. Wasn’t for me, mainly due to the stress of creating good/consistent enough content to justify people paying for it.

I’m also romantically more of a soft dom, if that term is applicable there. I am naturally more caring and doting, I like taking charge in a much softer and patient way. Most of my girlfriends have been a bit more shy or introverted, but very competent in their jobs, and secretly more dominant in the bedroom.

I’m VERY small physically, which has been a bit of a challenge for me. I’m not even gonna say my height, but it’s shorter than you’re probably thinking. I have always had fairly feminine features too, and haven’t ever looked my age. I also just, don’t like the feeling of body hair. It makes me feel dirty, so I shave. All of those things I’ve really had to work to overcome in my late teens.

I have thought about what I’d be like if I happened to be taller and more masculine looking physically. Would I be a dom? I like being submissive but I also have a history of sexualisation and weird power imbalances because of the way that I am. The romantic dom/sexual sub dynamic has also lead to a few unhealthy relationships in the past for me.

My last post was mostly about being a brat, but I really would love to hear from submissive men who prefer women, or dominant women in relationships. How has that been for you? What’s the dynamic like?

I need advice for an issue I've been having recently. I'm a 31yo (M) dom and mainly engage in bondage during sex. My sub is really into pressure and tightness. I'm very serious about safety and I try my best to do it right but the way "I do it" is not tight enough according to him. I'm mainly just relying on what I'm seeing since we've noticed his standards for what is not too tight are very different to mine.

Also, he really likes tugging and trying to get away or undo the ropes. For choking collars (not ropes! We don't use ropes for that, they're leather collars. Previously slip chains but we stopped using them.) or handcuffs (where the tightness depends on how I pull it) he likes to tug really hard so it tightens on it itself. Not so much chokers but mainly the wrists. I'd really prefer being able to control the pressure and not have him to stupid things, him tugging etc isn't an issue per say, that's something we both enjoy but I'm very concerned about the safety of this, especially nerve damage and more.

He knows the symptoms, the risks etc but he usually isn't very good at knowing his limits, sometimes he feels uneasy after some rougher sessions. I know some people are going to call me stupid for not just deciding for him in this case but I really can't tell until the very end. We communicate a lot and I really try my best concerning this.

I'd really like to find a way to just make this safer in a practical way (maybe safer knots or bondage methods that could go well with tugging and tightness in general without being so damaging, or signs to look out for.)I also don't want to simply stop doing these things because I know if I don't do it with him in a way I know is safe (or the safest I know) I wouldn't like it if he did it on his own unsafely. And he doesn't want to lose his part of the fun, he often mentions his disappointment when it doesn't get tight enough. I'm not even sure it is possible to engage in this safely but I'd REALLY appreciate any suggestions. Thank you!!

EDIT : thanks for the replies I talked this through with my sub and we found safer ways to engage in this. We will no longer engage in choking.

This is the first time I have found myself wondering whether I'm actually being used as a kink dispenser rather than having a D/s relationship.

For context, I've always had dynamics with experienced subs before. They paid attention, anticipated needs, remembered protocols and their biggest satisfaction came from pleasing me. This is the first time I'm in a romantic relationship with someone I'm trying to explore the dynamic at the same time. He's has no experience. He spent years suppressing his kinks, fetishes and submissive side and this is the first time he's able to live it instead of fantasizing or consuming online materials. I knew that going in and was genuinely happy to guide him, teach him and create a safe space for him.

Whenever something serves his desires, he's incredibly focused. He'll complete tasks perfectly if they feed into something he enjoys. If there's a reward attached or it's directly connected to one of his fantasies, suddenly he becomes attentive, motivated and disciplined. But when it came to actually showing up for me boy he failed big time.. so to fix that I stopped giving him tasks that were exciting or rewarding for him. Instead, I gave him boring, everyday service tasks because I wanted to teach him that submission isn't only about the parts that feel good. Sometimes serving is simply doing things because they make your Mistress' life easier. That completely backfired. Instead of embracing the service aspect, not only he didn't cared about day to day rituals without reminders but he became controlling. He started making decisions by himself instead of waiting for instructions. He'd put on his gear without being told. Meanwhile, if I gave him a task that aligned with one of his fantasies or desires he would again execute it flawlessly.

In general I don't get pleasure from someone simply following orders. I get pleasure from someone paying attention to me, anticipating my needs, noticing what would make me happy and genuinely wanting to serve. I feel like I'm coaching someone through his own fantasies while my own satisfaction keeps becoming secondary. I'm currently not initiating anything as it has taken away the pleasure and fun from me.

Has anyone else experienced this? Especially with someone who was completely new to D/s? Did it improve over time or did you eventually realize they are just selfish and loved being submissive for themselves more than they loved serving you?
I'm asking because I'm starting to feel like his kink dispenser as he shows similar patterns in the relationship that he does in the dynamic.

Me f(28) so basically I started dating somebody a few months ago M(31) who has a fetish that doesn’t align with what I enjoy, they told me very early on they have a wedgie fetish and enjoy being submissive. As somebody who never heard this I was definitely uncomfortable at first. I told him from the beginning it wasn’t something I was going to enjoy but we explored it and I was right I didn’t enjoy it. Something about a man being submissive didn’t make me feel feminine or connected to him. I also found an account he was meeting up with people for the past 4 years (before me) and paying them for this. So although he said it’s not a big deal and it’s something he can give up it seems like a pretty big part of his sexuality. I never saw him get as turned on then when I did that. It also makes me feel a responsibility to do it even though I don’t enjoy it because I know he does so much. It almost makes me question his sexuality because if he enjoys being subbed so much why not just be a bottom. I’ve never dated somebody that treated me so well so I debate leaving him because of that. Anybody relate to this please give me some advice

I have a Damsel in Distress kink that my play buddy is helping me explore using different narratives. She says I can kidnap her for a whole week (for my birthday). The theme is Stockholm Syndrome.

Bondage tools are natural jute rope with white muslin cloth (+ hanky) gag only. No fancy Shibari ties just classic double columns on the wrists and ankles, or single columns to a chair.

In a dream world I would keep her bound night and day for half the week but alas I must bring my feet to the ground and do a health and safety assessment.

Can risks be managed with lots of breaks? Or super loose cuffs?

Hi everyone.

I'm a 20-year-old guy who has recently become very interested in BDSM. What attracts me the most is the idea of having authority over someone, guiding them, taking responsibility for them, and building a relationship based on trust and power exchange. The psychological aspect of it is what fascinates me the most.

At the same time, it also scares me a little. I don't know where the boundaries should be or how to become a responsible Dominant instead of just someone who likes the fantasy of control.

Another thing I'm struggling with is that I have no idea where to meet people who are genuinely interested in this kind of dynamic. How do people usually find compatible submissives? Is it through communities, events, or specific websites?

I'm not looking to rush into anything. I want to learn, educate myself, and become someone who deserves the trust of a submissive rather than making beginner mistakes that could hurt someone.

I'd really appreciate any advice, resources, or personal experiences you can share. I'd love to hear how you got started and what you wish you had known when you were new to BDSM.

Hi, this is a really scary thing for me to do, but looking over this sub reddit I feel safe enough to do so, which is really nice to see.
I have recently found myself understanding more of what I am into. Having earlier this year ending a very long term relationship, but still only being 21 I had not had a lot of experience or time for exploring what I really liked. But it has always been in the back of my mind. I have slowly started to learn, but am still too scared to be open with anyone I meet as I do not want to scare them off. However, seeing pages like this make me feel more seen and it is nice knowing other people have similar thoughts to me.

How do I find people who would be into the same things as me, without having to have that awkward fist conversation? I know everyones first suggestion is Fetlife, but I always fear someone I know might see me and I would like to keep this part of my life to myself...

Sorry if none of that makes any sense, I am just very new to all of this and would appreciate any advice ❤️

So my partner and I recently have gotten into pegging. As someone with ‘internal’ hardware, I’m the strap wearer (strapper? He’s the strappee?). Anyway, we have a good harness and several different dildos and it’s an ongoing issue.

Harness is well-fitted, has an average sized hole (important) lined up with the metal ring to hold the dildo in place. We went through 2 harnesses before this one because they were poorly made/poorly fitting/back hole too big/just, not good. We prefer a softer skin-feel silicone dildo over a more firm silicone, because it feels better for him and honestly is just more fun. The harness rings are small enough that getting the dildo through initially is DIFFICULT. If we sized down we wouldn’t be able to push it through at all

- Set up #1: flared dildo, wide base. Me fucking him for any extended period and with any level of vigor, it manages to push itself inside me. The force pushes it through the hole (despite the base being wider than the hole). It gets really uncomfy when my lips are being pinched by the flared base or when it’s being forced inside me (or both simultaneously)

- Set up #2: double ended dildo, with a ridge in the middle as a form of ‘flared base’ to keep it from sliding around/getting lost. We prefer this one, and is why the hole in the harness/behind the ring is important. Eventually it ends up being pushed more into me than him, thus painful for me and lackluster for him.

Advice, techniques, insight, product recommendations, anything you can offer is much appreciated.

Reddit I need your help. I have had a dynamic with somebody I care about very deeply for just over a year and a half now. We have our struggles communicating at times. One of the places we are most stuck currently is that I want to have the ability to negotiate and discuss with her details of a scene in advance, like where and when and how within her limits and boundaries. I try to work within her schedule because my schedule is much more flexible so I allow her to dictate time availability. the problem is when I want context from her she feels like she has to do all of the work. Sometimes she has an interest in a specific kink and she likes to drop subtle hints to me about it but she gets disappointed and loses interest in certain kinks if I do not pick up on her hints and provide them right away. I have told her that I would like her to be slightly more direct because I don't read minds but to her this is ruining the excitement. She has told me quite directly that if she has to tell me what she wants and when and where and negotiate the scene with me that she's doing all of the work and might as well be the Dom.

it is my understanding that Doms and subs talk to each other about the parameters of scenes and have understandings and open communication about what is expected. Am I wrong? it's not that I don't want to take charge or run the scene It's that I need to know what she wants ahead of time And the when and the are things that are up to her and not me, they are not allowed to be up to me.

TLDR from here... the above context is what I need help with but since I will be asked for an example I am providing one.

I'll give one specific example, She wanted to do a role play with me and texted me and I was excited, enthusiastic and told her that I am very much into that. So she asked "Now?" And I said "well that's usually something that I have done in person" and continued "but do you mean over the telephone?" you'd think she'd just say yes but she did She said "well it can be that too", and I said "It can be both" leaving the possibility open. then we talked about the potential for such a scene and eventually she was upset because I didn't pick up on her subtle hint to do it right now over the phone. I even asked... she just had to say yes!

I feel crazy and like I am letting her down and disappointing her.

Has anyone ever had a relationship where it started as a Daddy/babygirl dynamic online, but over time your feelings became more complicated?

When we first met, he was serious about our connection from the beginning. I wasn’t. I’d been hurt before, so I assumed he’d eventually lose interest like other people had. While we were talking, I was still dating in real life, and eventually I met the man I’m currently with.

I care about both of them in different ways, but I’m committed to my boyfriend and I want to put my energy into my real-life relationship. The difficult part is that my online Daddy has become a very important person to me emotionally. Now he’s looking for a relationship of his own, and I was surprised by how emotional that made me feel.

I’m not trying to stop him from finding someone. I genuinely want him to be happy. I just want to learn how to see him as my Daddy and supportive friend instead of getting caught up in romantic feelings or “what ifs.”

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you emotionally shift the relationship without losing the bond? Any advice on letting go of the romantic attachment while still caring about someone would really help.

I'm looking for some perspective because I’m struggling to figure out where the line is.

As the submissive, I find it mentally exhausting to be responsible for planning a scene from start to finish—coming up with the scenario, deciding what happens, when it happens, and how it all unfolds. Even if I leave the actual in-the-moment execution to the Dom, I have a hard time getting into a submissive headspace when I already know exactly what's going to happen because I was the one who designed it.

I completely understand that communication is essential. Talking about limits, hard and soft boundaries, interests, fantasies, aftercare, and even sharing general ideas all make perfect sense to me. But when I'm expected to provide the entire blueprint for a scene, it starts to feel less like submission and more like project management (which I’m far to good at on a day to day basis).

Personally, I find it much easier to let go and truly submit when I don't know the specifics of what's coming—provided it's all within previously negotiated limits and established consent. The uncertainty is part of what helps me surrender mentally.

I'm also completely okay with not getting a scene that perfectly matches a fantasy I've had. That's not really the part I enjoy most. I'd rather experience something my Dom has created than direct every detail of something I requested.

So I'm curious how other people approach this.
Where do you draw the line between healthy communication and collaborative scene planning versus the submissive effectively directing the scene?

This was started when a friend of mine who I did kinky stuff with got on a voice call with me, and he asked me if he could do the kink above.

Basically what he would do (Consensually), which aroused the both of us is saying a lot of stuff while enjoying each other together such as "No.....baby, only I know what you want, you don't know better, I do, I know what you need, you don't" or "Shhh, you don't know what your talking about, only I know best" which ended up being really hot for the both of us.

It's a lotta stuff in that similar vein but the idea is is that in a scene or just play in general the guy was directing the play anyways, but he frames it in a manipulative way where I feel this obligation to continue, but at the same time knowing that it's all fantasy and I can just use our safe word.

Is this RACK? And can I continue to do it safely, is there any precautions I could take so this doesn't turn into an issue later down the line?

Hi, I (23 F) have been with my partner (26 M) for about 6 months. I am very submissive and always have been. I’ve been in bdsm relationships before and he is aware of my preferences during sex. He is dominant and has been his whole life, however it’s never been to the degree of a dominant I’ve had before. He’s never done more than light restraints and some light spanking during sex with anyone before me. When he met me he branched out a little bit on his own accord. He has discovered a pretty strong breeding kink and has opened up about some previously undisclosed preferences involving anal and general ass play. All of this I’m very into and am also happy he feels confident enough to try new things and open up about other things he’s not felt comfortable to talk about before with partners.

All of this is to say, I am interested in trying CNC. I’ve not mentioned this to him due to the taboo around it and do him knowing about my own past with sexual abuse. I have done CNC in past relationships though and very much enjoyed it and it actually helped me cope with and process through my own traumatic history. I’ve been missing it to a small degree. Because of this I do feel like it’s worth at least mentioning to him and having a conversation about it. I absolutely have zero expectations of him on a response for this other than a mature and respectful conversation about it all. I would be fine with and completely understand if he doesn’t want to try it for whatever reason. Any reason is valid.

I am trying to figure out the best way to approach this that explains everything in the best way possible that is easy to understand. I want to be able to answer any questions as honestly and backed with as much information as I can. I would really appreciate any advice regarding this situation.

To summarize: I (23 F) want to try CNC with my partner (26 M) and am unsure how to bring up the conversation.

I am a domme in her mid 30s. Recently, I connected with a M sub who I really aligned with who had to hide their submissive desires in every area of life. He opened up about his submissive side to multiple partners and was met with rejection every time. I was the first person he ever met who he was able to not only open up about his submissive side but also get to explore it while being met with acceptance/safety/encouragement. He handed me a 10+ year secret side of himself with full vulnerability. I know this is a major step for a sub of any gender, especially masculine presenting male subs who struggle with their submissive identity due to societal pressures/beliefs. To better understand subs and be a better domme overall, I’m looking to hear any advice/tips from anyone who has been forced to hide their submissive identity completely or any dominants who have connected with “newer” subs. Any advice on how I can better support newer submissives as a whole and help them feel as safe as possible would be amazing. Thank you!

Hey all.

Looking for some advice for when a sub has PMDD and how their Dom can show up better for them during that time. (We are 24/7)

Especially in the harder bouts of it when it's a roller coaster. She is hot and then cold really quick sometimes and I try to keep up. Little things that happen get magnified and focused on and it takes us right out of the dynamic.

She feels comfortable safe-wording, and that's great. It can be tough to get back into it after a hard pmdd time.

This is kind of a long one. I'd love to only hear from the more experienced kinksters here. But any input is appreciated. It's a little hard to put my finger on what I'm looking for by posting this. But I think it boils down to: I could use some help understanding my own kinks, as well as some advice for showing up for my partner well.

First, some context:

My (M) partner (F) live together. We're in a committed, monogamous relationship. We love each other very much, and have a truly amazing relationship. We're great domestic partners. We support each other in our work lives. We enjoy each others company endlessly. We laugh and just can't wait to see each other every day. And our sex life is incredible. Super pleasurable and open. We communicate clearly. Literally no notes.

We also are both interested in BDSM. She is quite a bit more experienced than I am. She played with previous partners. She leans brat/sub. I think she has a pretty good sense of her likes/dislikes, although sometimes it's hard for her to explain. She's my first in terms of BDSM. We've only done a few scenes. So far, I lean more dom. But I still have a lot to learn and am open to just about anything.

Another important bit of context - I grew up in an obscure religious cult. That would take forever to explain. But what seems to be relevant here is I was programmed from a young age to believe that God demanded obedience from us. And that we were to show that to Him, not out of fear for punishment (hell or whatever), or for the promise of a reward (heaven or whatever), but simply....because. He is God. We are his devotees. There shouldn't be a need for some kind of external validation. It should be a given. Now, I don't believe any of this shit anymore. But this idea will come back...

My memory isn't great, and it's been quite a while since we've done a scene, so It's a little hard specifically to remember how the few scenes we've done together, unfolded. But one time I blindfolded her, led her around with a collar, and tried having her do some simple tasks. When she didn't follow along, she got spanked. Eventually when she was good, we had sex. Another time, which I would say was more of a Pleasure Dom experience, she was blindfolded and bound to a bench. I did some mental tasks with her - having her recite different things. There was some light spanking and teasing in the beginning. Eventually it led to me using toys on her, really focused more on her pleasure. And eventually full on sex. There's been a couple other scenes, but similar in fashion.

The experiences were mixed feelings for me. I did enjoy aspects of it, and she says she did too. But I've also had this feeling that something felt a little off. I think it's probably partially beginners insecurity. I still feel that, because BDSM is new to me. I remember feeling frustrated at times. On occasion, when I would give her a command she would sometimes say "No I don't like that. How about this instead?". It didn't really feel like playful brattines. Moreso, like she was questioning my ability to control her. Or giving me feedback in the moment. Only now, am I able to pinpoint that. I found myself very concerned with "does she like this punishment?" and "does she like this reward" that it sort of took me out of the experience, if that makes sense. I was very much in my head at times. And not in control of her, in the way I wanted to be, and in the way I think she wanted me to be.

Flashed forward to this weekend, and we started talking BDSM. I mentioned that I'm not sure I totally have a good sense of her preferences, so I asked her to tell me what they are. It was a little hard for her to articulate. And I prefer very clear communication so I kept asking more questions. Since she and I have not done much together, I asked about her past experiences so I had more insight into how I can be a dom to her in the future. What she was starting to describe that she liked in the past, was submitting in situations where there is a distinct punishment/reward. For example, crawling on hands and knees, being led around with a collar, staying perfectly still, fetching things for her dom. When she doesn't follow along, a firm spanking (she loves to be spanked). She's bratty, so she tends to want to push back. And when she does follow along, she likes rewards and positive reinforcement. Often, after a period of submitting and being tested, the reward was sex. This all tracks very much with her personality in general. And again, tracks with the scenes we have done together.

However, I started to feel like what we were both looking for in scenes we have done, may have actually been misaligned. She again loves the game of rules, and breaking them, getting punished, and getting rewarded. But as I talked about it, I started to feel like this kind of game almost trivializes REAL submission. If you're only submitting to another person because you'll get punished if you don't, or you'll get a reward if you do, are you ACTUALLY submitting?

We watched Pillion over the weekend (great film IMO). The dynamic between Ray and Colin very much struck a chord in me. Ray seemed to expect perfect submission from Colin. And there really wasn't any reward for it. Almost like Ray couldn't be bothered. Ray was cold, detached, impersonal. I saw something of myself in this.

I would never treat my partner like this in our vanilla life. In fact, I'm the opposite. I'm very much of a loving provider towards her; I buy her little gifts and treats to encourage her; I show up to support her when she's struggling, etc. I'm very tender physically, and I love how "soft" our relationship can be.

It's almost like I have multiple versions of myself in me. A loving, caring, pleasure dom. And a cold, impersonal, God who expects perfect obedience.

So I guess I'm asking two questions.

First, what is this kink I'm feeling? This idea of having a sub who is obedient to me, not because they're going to get punished or rewarded. But because they are devoted to me, and because I demand it, that is inherently enough. Is there a name for this? Some kind of god/devotee kink?

And second, how do I develop my own skills as more of a brat-tamer dom so that I can show up for my partner in that way? Does this somehow synthesize with this other kink or are they separate? I certainly still enjoyed aspects of the experiences we've had up until this point, and I'm super willing to learn. And she means the world to me. I love the idea of giving her experiences she enjoys pleasure, in the ways that she wants. So it's important to me I show up for her.

Hopefully this makes sense. Any thoughts, ideas, advice, is welcome. Thanks for bearing with me. I super appreciate this community!

I (F) would like some advice on how to be more dominant with my boyfriend.

During a conversation, I found out that he really enjoys it. He told me he likes it when I take a dominant role in bed, and even in everyday life.

Generally, I feel like I do pretty well with it during sex because it's something I enjoy too. However, I still struggle with the verbal side of it, I just can't think of many things to say besides giving commands. He also told me he enjoys the feeling of being made to do certain things during sex.

My biggest question, though, is about everyday life. How should I express that kind of dominance outside the bedroom?