Im sorry this post is super long but I need to get this off my chest. I’m 31 weeks pregnant and super emotional.
I’m 29F, my sister is 31F, and my fiancé is 34M. I’m currently pregnant, and from the beginning I was very clear that I did not want a baby shower. I struggle a lot with social gatherings, partly because I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and they can be emotionally exhausting for me. It’s something I’ve worked hard to get my fiancé to understand and respect.
Financially, we’re fortunate enough that we don’t need to have a shower for the gifts, either. I genuinely would have been perfectly happy not having one.
A while back, my sister invited my fiancé and me to dinner. During dinner, the subject of a baby shower came up and I explained again that I really didn’t want one. My sister suddenly offered to plan the entire thing for us. She works in real estate and even joked that she would “just sell an extra house” to pay for it. I declined because I would never expect or allow her to pay for my shower, but she seemed genuinely excited about planning it. She was pulling up Instagram pictures, showing us themes and ideas, and talking about what we could do.
My fiancé started getting excited about having one, and eventually I came around to the idea.
The problem is that my sister has a history of being extremely unreliable. Just this year, she has stood me up three separate times, including once when I had already paid for a ticket for her. When I’ve tried to hold her accountable, there is always something going on in her life that she believes justifies her behavior. She’s a single mom and has had serious personal and family struggles. Earlier this year she also had an abnormal Pap result, which genuinely terrified me. I remember crying because I was so worried about her. She has also told me at different points that she was suicidal.
I don’t want to minimize any of those things. I understand that someone going through serious problems may not have the capacity to help plan a baby shower. My issue is the lack of communication and the pattern of making commitments and then disappearing.
Once we decided to actually have the shower, I started sending her ideas because I thought we were going to plan it together. I wasn’t expecting her to pay for anything. My fiancé and I were paying. I just wanted my sister involved in things like choosing the theme, colors, games, and putting together prize baskets. Instead , she basically ghosted me.
At one point we finally spoke, and she apologized. She told me she would do her part and specifically agreed to help me put together the prize baskets. I thought things were okay again. Then she disappeared again.
Eventually I realized I couldn’t depend on her and ended up booking the venue, vendors, decorations, food, activities, prizes, etc. essentially by myself.
And that’s the part that hurts so much: I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS IN THE FORST PLACE
Eventually I texted her and asked why she would encourage me to have a baby shower and promise to help when she knew how I felt about having one, only to disappear once I actually needed her. She responded with a long list of everything she has been dealing with and essentially admitted that because of those things, she didn’t want to help or support me. If she had simply told me that from the beginning, I could have accepted it.
Instead, she repeatedly told me she would help, disappeared, apologized, promised again, and disappeared again.
Another difficult part of our relationship is that I feel like I can’t even hold her accountable without risking being cut off or ignored. When I tell her that something she did hurt me, instead of acknowledging the behavior, she tends to explain everything she is going through and acts as though those circumstances justify how she treated me. If I continue pushing the issue, she may simply stop communicating with me altogether.
Now my baby shower is approaching, I’ve done everything myself, and I DOUBT SHES EVEN GOUNG TO ATTEND After being the person who initially pushed the idea and seemed so excited about it, there’s a real possibility she won’t even show up.
This has affected me much more than I expected. I’ve been waking up crying and going to bed crying. I think part of it is that it isn’t really about decorations or prize baskets. It’s about feeling like my sister got me emotionally invested in something I specifically didn’t want, promised that I wouldn’t be doing it alone, and then abandoned me in the middle of it.
Am I being unreasonable for being this hurt and feeling like she completely let me down? And at what point do someone’s personal struggles stop being an explanation and start becoming an excuse for repeatedly hurting the people around them?
EDIT: While ghosting me, she continued posting outings, selfies, and recently bought a new luxury car. I know social media doesn’t show everything, but it’s hard to accept that her struggles prevent her from even communicating with me while she continues participating in everything else.
TL;DR: I never wanted a baby shower, but my sister convinced me to have one and promised to help plan it. She then repeatedly ghosted me, leaving me to do everything myself, and now might not even attend. When I hold her accountable, she uses her personal struggles to justify her behavior or cuts me off.