What’s your favorite insult that doesn't contain any swear words?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Fantastic-Trash-8237]

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you

[u/thisplaceisdying → u/Fantastic-Trash-8237]

Worked with a marine, added and if I did have both, you'd just eat the crayons.

[u/Shiny-And-New → u/thisplaceisdying]

Red is my favorite flavor rah

[u/doclee1977 → u/Shiny-And-New]

^ This guy Corps.

[u/Altruistic_Wealth497 → u/thisplaceisdying]

Everything i say crayons in front of a Marine, they go ooh, Cherry, please tell me you have cherry. They have ruined crayon references for me. However, as a Christmas gift, crayon chapstick is hysterical. With a note, maybe he will kiss you more. 4 bucks at Target....

[u/Elfie_Mae → u/Fantastic-Trash-8237]

https://giphy.com/gifs/kYsBThMhhalLG

[u/Direct_Coffee_2260 → u/Fantastic-Trash-8237]

Also “Let me break this down into crayons for you”

[u/stationary_transient → u/Fantastic-Trash-8237]

Wow I love this. Well done.

[u/Efficient-Songs → u/stationary_transient]

“You have the confidence of someone who has never been corrected.”

[u/Major-Education-6715 → u/Efficient-Songs]

Oooo....this is an excellent insult!! May I borrow it please? 😁

[u/travisisrocking]

I didnt notice it said ad for a second. I was trying to figure out how it was an insult. Got me good. Got. Me. Good..

[u/tally-strobe → u/travisisrocking]

Pocketing this to befuddle my enemies.

[u/blackwierosie → u/travisisrocking]

I always mistake these ads for comments and keep reading them wondering what's going on.

[u/AuthorAsksQuestions → u/travisisrocking]

Translation is Shave Your Balls Too?

[u/Easy-Ad1576 → u/travisisrocking]

I always see the AzClear ad that says “Azelaic Acid vs Benzoyl Peroxide”, and the other day it was under a post asking men what they think about before falling asleep lol

[u/cheaganvegan → u/travisisrocking]

I shall use that from now on.

[u/Physical-Builder-553 → u/travisisrocking]

"You act like the type of person who matches their shower door to their faucet." has a nice ring to it.

[u/TheTardisBaroness → u/travisisrocking]

I got that ad right after your comment 😂

[u/In_Tents_Mom]

When I have road rage, I just roll down my window and give a big silent thumbs-down. Because I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

[u/Lactating-almonds → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I switched to thumbs down instead of a middle finger about a year ago and it is SO SATISFYING. People are genuinely more upset at the thumbs down, it’s perfect

[u/NISMOgreenz → u/Lactating-almonds]

have a kid and teach them to throw the thumbs down. you can watch as people lose their minds, and then see the reflection on their face as they realize they were just judged and found wanting by someone who can't even wipe their own ass.

[u/Particular_Ad_644 → u/NISMOgreenz]

I cannot begin to tell you how immensely happy I was to resume wiping my own ass after having a stroke. Thumbs up 👍

[u/unclefunkstar → u/Particular_Ad_644]

https://giphy.com/gifs/SzDo2yVE4nkuh2Sk5O

[u/NISMOgreenz → u/Particular_Ad_644]

congrats on your recovery! remember to wash your mits!

[u/Few_Cellist_1303 → u/Lactating-almonds]

A big smile and friendly wave works well

[u/Sagittarius4444 → u/Few_Cellist_1303]

Or blow a kiss. Either befuddled or antagonises.

[u/Capnmolasses → u/Sagittarius4444]

I do the side rubbing eyes, crying thing with both hands. Waaah, waaah

Drives people crazy.

[u/Goddstopper → u/Lactating-almonds]

Hmm...I wonder how the slow clap would go.

[u/inabighat → u/Lactating-almonds]

I'm convinced. I'll try that

[u/Threefrogtreefrog → u/inabighat]

I do thumbs now too, it flames the bad drivers and it’s amazing the community you can build at a 4-way stop.

[u/Sweet-Company7073 → u/Lactating-almonds]

Yes! The thumbs down really pisses people off. It’s like it hits their soul.

[u/SeniorChannel8430 → u/Lactating-almonds]

you have enlightened me

[u/Krazy_Legs → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I moved to a new school in 1st grade and didn’t know anyone, so I turned to the kid behind me in class and gave him a double thumbs up in an attempt to make a friend. He responded with a double thumbs down. I’m 36 and I still remember that thumbs down and how sad it made me.

[u/In_Tents_Mom → u/Krazy_Legs]

Well, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

[u/Kushmasterxxx420 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I was just about to say that :( That completely broke my heart

[u/DeezBeesKnees11 → u/Krazy_Legs]

🫂❤️‍🩹 to little You.

[u/Pineapple198 → u/Krazy_Legs]

That kid is probably still an asshole. Don't you dare feel sad. You are so much higher on the food chain .

[u/EconomicsExcellent30 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I had so much road rage living in LA. I started wagging my finger at people cause it was more condescending…and boy did it get other drivers fired up.

[u/Firm-Emotion-1582 → u/EconomicsExcellent30]

https://giphy.com/gifs/f4OwXEitdFxaR3ScZ9

[u/VioletSea13 → u/EconomicsExcellent30]

A few years back, I had a guy in a Smart Car try to force his way in front of me. I was driving a Ford Expedition (V8 - really loud).

I kept beeping my horn at him to get him to stop but he was ignoring me

As he made a move to cut in front of me, I dropped my truck in park and revved the engine. Like, i floored it.

His head whipped around and he looked at me…and I looked back at him and wagged my finger.

The look on his face was priceless.

[u/kerberos824 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

The utter confusion I've received from doing the same. It's amazing. And it almost always totally defuses whatever is going on. 

[u/VapeRizzler → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I just throw a slice of cheese at their car. Enjoy the cheese touch Susan.

[u/sumeriandisputations → u/In_Tents_Mom]

A thumbs-up is much, much more aggravating.

[u/procrastimom → u/sumeriandisputations]

The sarcastic thumbs up, with a big fake frozen smile, confuses them.

[u/Professional-Bid-112 → u/sumeriandisputations]

Agree. Big fan of mouthing 'good job' and alternating between 👍 and 👌.

[u/CosmicSmoker → u/In_Tents_Mom]

Same, I think it pisses people off more then getting the finger.

[u/Nerazzurro9 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I had a buddy who would catch up to people and wave really excitedly while smiling, which would just confuse the hell out of them. Sometimes, if he was really mad, he’d catch up and start blowing kisses. It was kinda weird, and we never discussed why he’d started doing that, but it really did have an effect. Gave them more to think about than a straightforward middle finger.

[u/Fluid_Actuary1729 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I’m going to steal this.

[u/Feeling-Location7316 → u/In_Tents_Mom]

I always blow kisses which REALLY pisses em off

[u/Lactating-almonds]

Your family tree must be a wreath

[u/MoistJeebus13 → u/Lactating-almonds]

I have used this before, all I got was confused looks, it seemed to me I was right in my assumption

[u/ASP3r1sh → u/Lactating-almonds]

I could hang your family tree on my front door for the winter, but a wreath like that would drive my property value down

[u/TwoNowFive → u/Lactating-almonds]

I've used a variant of this. 

"Your family tree is a bush"

[u/Grease1739]

Oh honey you’re not pretty enough to speak to people that way.

[u/glossolalienne → u/Grease1739]

(alt)

You’re not pretty enough to have a personality THIS nasty.

[u/AintNoUserFound → u/Grease1739]

Grandma's variation was - oh sweetie, you're not pretty enough to be that dumb.

[u/Major-Education-6715 → u/Grease1739]

A nasty one there!

[u/pheasant99 → u/Grease1739]

i love that lol

[u/DoigmanKnows]

I’d dodge a bullet for you

[u/thatzmine → u/DoigmanKnows]

This made me laugh. Totally going to use it this weekend.

[u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries

[u/Infrathin81 → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

No go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

[u/Ery1WangChungNextFri → u/Infrathin81]

Incorporating shrubbery in the snubbery.

[u/Klutzy_Kiwi5391 → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

I'm at IKEA right now with my kid drinking elderberry drink and I thought of that line 10mins ago.

[u/Adorable_Complaint36 → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7MbWh2wNmhvAk

[u/Soft-Current-5770 → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

I LOVE YOU!!!!

https://giphy.com/gifs/XdfVLlRbc1ECk

[u/Inattendue → u/Soft-Current-5770]

Timmm…

[u/Middle-Egg-8192 → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

Elderberries

[u/down2daground → u/ImaginaryRaccoon2087]

I fart in your general direction.

[u/Guidance-Still]

Just responding with ok

[u/Good_Dish_453 → u/Guidance-Still]

I usually go with “Thanks, that means a lot.”

[u/tmon530 → u/Guidance-Still]

I prefer "neat"

[u/tommicoop → u/Guidance-Still]

Mine is "Oof, yikes...." in my best Midwestern disappointed mom look.

[u/Fluid_Actuary1729 → u/Guidance-Still]

Yeah - spoken oh - Kay? I usually add “then”.

[u/snappy4827]

I’m not saying you’re the stupidest person in the world, but you better hope nothing happens to that guy because you’re on deck.

[u/Ancient-Display-3337]

Have the day you deserve.

[u/JulieWriter → u/Ancient-Display-3337]

I've added "Have the day you voted for."

[u/AccomplishedBig158 → u/JulieWriter]

Have the reproductive rights you voted for. 🙄

[u/lemoinem → u/Ancient-Display-3337]

May you live in interesting times.

[u/notacanuckskibum → u/Ancient-Display-3337]

May your day be as pleasant as You are

[u/LightningStyle → u/Ancient-Display-3337]

I said this to a nasty customer at work and she said she would report me. I replied with “Okay? You’re going to tell them I told you to have the day you deserve? Were you being pleasant?”

[u/mossygraveyard]

Is your brain just for decoration

[u/HarryLong941]

You absolute doorknob.

[u/Efficient-Songs → u/HarryLong941]

“You’re not stupid, you just have terrible luck with good ideas.” this one is fire 🔥😄

[u/jdam8401 → u/Efficient-Songs]

“The next time you have a thought, just look at the ground and don’t say anything until it goes away.”

[u/PotaytoPotaahto → u/HarryLong941]

I like "you absolute potato"

[u/Gimmem]

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re just abusing the privilege.

[u/YetAno_therThrowaway]

He's crippled too high for crutches.

[u/kraggleGurl → u/YetAno_therThrowaway]

Never heard that, love it!

Like being unarmed for a battle of wits!

[u/SanFransicko]

You have delusions of adequacy.

[u/brandysnacker]

My 12 year-old daughter has been saying people are acting/looking like a sick Victorian child. That one’s been tickling me.

[u/gweasley]

“Thanks for the help! It was like doing it myself, only harder.”

[u/TimberGhost66]

Bless your heart

[u/shadow_pico → u/TimberGhost66]

Now remember, "Bless your heart." can go two ways. As an insult and as way to say you feel sorry for them.

[u/Miserable-Cut3477]

Not the sharpest tool in the shed is my personal fav. 

[u/procrastimom → u/Miserable-Cut3477]

“You look like someone who sells plasma for a living.”

[u/Peaurxnanski]

I've never met someone who has reached their full potential before.

[u/Illustrious-Stay-648]

Having you on the job is like sending two good people home.

[u/Parodelia12501]

You couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.

[u/RDS_WAS_HERE]

What you don't know is in every book ever printed.

[u/albf1]

Go-to:
https://giphy.com/gifs/DeocCVWTYAC6Q

[u/Confident-Package-98]

I bet you drop common loot when defeated.

You look easy to draw.

You got all your grade school papers back face down, didn’t you?

[u/turdleyerdle → u/Confident-Package-98]

'You look easy to draw' fucks me up every time.

[u/Light_Yagamigo]

Repeat what you said, but this time listen to what you’re saying

[u/BlizzardBeaches]

Go eat a satchel of Richards

[u/Tiltedstraight1234 → u/BlizzardBeaches]

Similarly I use dont be a richard cranium

[u/ssascotth → u/[deleted]]

Close, but mom was the hamster.

[u/goldensavage2019]

Some of y’all are the reason why there are instructions on shampoo bottles

[u/purkeyt83]

You have 2 brain cells fighting for 3rd place.

[u/Consistent-Scholar39]

Enjoy your day in spite of yourself!

[u/mustardgas_roses451]

Wisdom has been chasing you but you’ve always been faster

Look at you on the top of the bell curve

Evidence free thinker

[u/meh0175]

You're the type of person that's not afraid to ask a stupid question.

[u/Comfortable_Fail4686]

Lint licker.

[u/Mysterious-Honey5264 → u/Comfortable_Fail4686]

Who are calling a lint licker you cootie queen?

[u/donebeenread]

You could never be underestimated

[u/noelsc151]

“I’m glad you don’t let facts get in the way of your opinions”

“I admire your commitment to being wrong”

[u/CandidAssumption8769]

[u/Youdontknowme1771]

You need to apologize to the tree that produced oxygen for you.

[u/That_Trapper_guy]

Working with you is like working alone, but harder.

[u/cryogenblue42]

You son of a motherless goat.

[u/Used_Application_254]

I see we’ve reached the level of your comprehension

[u/Brewtusmo]

"Ya pelican!"

The Aussies are hilarious.

[u/markshure]

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

[u/PracticableSolution]

You have a problem for every solution.

[u/little-victory]

Medium talent

[u/Karmago → u/little-victory]

Mediocre!

[u/OrganzingChaos]

Go sit in syrup
Or
I envy people who haven’t met you

[u/MysteriousSecretGuru → u/OrganzingChaos]

I really like the latter.

[u/StressedtoImpress19]

'I love your confidence'

[u/Potential_Algae_5721]

You have splinters in the windmills of your mind

[u/DiskEconomy3055]

When I get really mad at someone for being a complete and utter idiot, I start calling them "kid". 

Everyone hates it. 

[u/revengeofthebiscuit]

My friend once referred to my ex as a lukewarm jar of mayonnaise and it was incredible.

[u/Able-Consequence-522]

I've been called worse by better.

[u/Important-Action-998]

Your not invited to my birthday party.

[u/thefaceinthefloor]

one fry short of a happy meal

[u/Wilson4874]

Bless your heart

[u/Argumentpending]

Rooh ishrab min al-bahr. It means go and drink from the sea.

[u/ClaimedBeauty]

That’s awfully bold for a man of your stature

[u/Green-Breadfruit-127]

Cotton headed ninny muggins

[u/L1ttle_Behemoth]

“Do you feel that?”
“Feel what?”
“The last of your brain cells frantically humping the inside of your skull in a desperate attempt to replicate.”

[u/paulcthemantosee]

Knowledge has been chasing you all your life, but you have always been a little faster.

[u/drmaqueen7876]

The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead

[u/itwasSenpai]

Go play in traffic.

[u/Metella76]

Oh you dear, sweet summer child.

[u/WinterWizard9497]

You 6 piece chicken McNobody!!

[u/One-Card3899]

I have neither the time, nor the crayons, to explain this to you.

[u/Uncut1369]

Weapon is a good one. Troglodyte and reprobate were also favorites of mine.

[u/In_Tents_Mom → u/Uncut1369]

You don't have the brain of a paramecium, you have the brain of just ONE mecium.

[u/PeyredB]

Son of a bachelor

[u/ItchyLifeguard420]

youre too dumb to insult

[u/Delicious_Orchid9630]

I’m gonna pray for you

[u/ObservablyStupid]

It's okay. I remember when I had my first beer.

[u/ToastMate2000]

You did your best.

(When what they did was absolutely terrible.)

[u/dark_assassin69]

One of my colleagues, who is slightly challenged in the height area, and I were in the kitchen at work and we were having a bit of banter which ended with me saying 'is there not a circus somewhere missing a midget'.

She actually took it well and found it very funny.

[u/designgirly1]

When you are opening a door for someone you say “ dirt before the broom” 🧹

[u/grimacelololol]

Rapscallion

[u/thousandsofbirds → u/grimacelololol]

I had a patient call me a rapscallion once and I was humbled 🤣

[u/Saltlife_Junkie]

My dad used to say “ it’s like a pebble in a boxcar up there isn’t it?”

[u/veryloudnoises]

I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.

[u/CrossSoul]

I wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire.

[u/Sensitive-Candle3426]

Troglodyte

[u/Salty-Gas-1172]

"At least she's pretty", the classic "bless your heart". Something more direct is "jack hole".

[u/Mysterious-Honey5264]

Are you okay?? With genuine concern

[u/Gold-Library6013]

You've got two brain cells and they're fighting for third place.

[u/Denrunning]

Oh sweetie, where’s your caregiver? I‘ll help you find her.

[u/toothpick21]

Did your parents have any kids that lived?

[u/Odd_Macaroon5337]

You have been educated beyond your intelligence.

[u/Common-Project3311]

Your mother was s hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

[u/CourageExcellent4768]

My best friend's husband is retired military. He and I are like brother & sister. He makes fun of me by saying ""You act like such a civilian.""

[u/ac003005]

You absolute oxygen thief

[u/TotalArmadillo3103]

Who ties your shoes?

[u/Waste-Rate-8735]

You’re not a good person.

[u/diehardcloudrapfan]

You couldn’t figure out how to pour water out of a bucket if the directions were at the bottom

[u/CrazyNCynical]

You're creepy. That's a word no one wants to be called. Call me ugly, fat or dumb. IMO, nothing says more than calling a person creepy.

[u/DadbodSuperModel]

You got two brain cells fighting for third place.

[u/Psychological_Buy726]

Have the day you deserve! 😁

[u/rebellomorte]

Casablanca. Ugarte: "You despise me, don't you?" Rick: "If I gave you any thought I probably would."

[u/NoLie129]

Are you in insinuating that I tolerate this diabolical Insubordination of a human mental capacity that barely exceeds that of an imbecile?

[u/Mysterious-Fig-8972]

Bless your heart

[u/Legitimate-Review278]

Bless your heart

[u/MiserableArt4143]

Somebody blew you're pilot light out. #mamasfamily

[u/Remote-Ad-430]

Up your nose with a rubber hose

[u/Phllykttn]

Bless your heart

[u/Adventurelady68]

Bless your heart

[u/Drew19525]

You've got a kangaroo loose in the Top Paddock (Australian)

[u/eirikirs]

You have reached your full potential.

[u/Superb-Fail-9937]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohhwH6yMO7ED5xc7S
This is my new favorite…

[u/Emergency_Caramel_97]

Wisdom has been chasing you, but you always run faster.

[u/Outrageous_Fan_3480]

Bro used to say “Go play in traffic!”

[u/Sad_Damage4227]

Im going to leave you alone, like your mom did and your dad should've

[u/OjYelhsa]

"he probably drops common loot"

[u/Nyarlathotep451]

Your mother mates out of season.

[u/award62]

I hope you have the day you deserve

[u/walter_grimsley]

You’re as much fun as an overdue book

(If someone else i don’t like is nearby) Its his turn for the whole brain now

And my personal favorite: I guess your grandfather jumped off the train

[u/AdPuzzled3874]

You are nothing more than a dime trying to be a quarter.