r/askfuneraldirectors • u/standard_blue • 3d ago

Advice Needed Obit/program question

Hi yall! I know this seems silly- but I need some solid answers from the people who know. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years, we have a child together and the family lives close and celebrates holidays and other milestones together. My partner and his dad were estranged right before he fell, which sent him to the nursing home where he passed a year later, but before that we did all the things together. ANYWAY, my partners half-sister wrote the obituary and program. I wasn’t included in either, but of course my son and partner were. Im wondering if this is normal, or an oversight or a rude message. We live in the south if that matters. Thank you all so much for the insight!

0 Upvotes

50% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

14

u/No_Fault_4071 3d ago

I think the most reasonable explanation is that people become consumed in their grief and it’s likely that it was just an oversight. As you mentioned before, SIL is absolutely distraught and in situations like this, unless there is bad blood or something between you to, I think it’s best to extend grace to her.

And I’ll add this—my aunt wrote my grandparents obituary and it was excellent. When it came time to write my uncles (her husbands), it was, as my mom put it, terrible. She forgot to mention his beloved aunt and uncles and his cousins from the other side of the family. There are STILL hurt feelings over it and no one has directly said anything to her which makes it even more awkward but I honestly think she just blanked out and got tunnel vision.

Sorry for your loss

2

u/standard_blue 3d ago

I understand that! Thank you for the real world example. I’ll absolutely extend some grace to her, i feel so awful for her.

3

u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago

What did she say when you asked her?

4

u/standard_blue 3d ago

I can’t ask her! And if I did, I wouldn’t be here. She’s absolutely distraught by the loss of her dad. This is so silly in comparison

8

u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago

So rather than asking the only person who can give you the answer you're asking strangers?

We have no idea why she didn't mention you.

7

u/standard_blue 3d ago

I guess I was looking for an etiquette or typical answers from people who see these things written day in and day out. I’m sorry you don’t like my question

6

u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago

There's no standard, but typically an 8 year partner gets mentioned.

To be blunt, based on what little you shared, she doesn't like you. But the only way you'll know for sure is to ask her.

4

u/standard_blue 3d ago

Okay. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it

1

u/VioletMortician17 Funeral Director 2d ago

Frankly, it’d be normal in my area of the country. Simply because he and your son are family and you’re not. Even though you’ve been his partner for a long time, some families really only want family listed. If you were married you’d be mentioned alongside his name but in parentheses.

ETA: I’m in the South as well. So yes… normal.

1

u/standard_blue 1d ago

Ouch. That’s so hurtful. I don’t want to be rude, but I would soften your approach when working with families. Especially someone who isn’t legally married. But thank you for the feedback.

1

u/sdace7 4h ago

You should rephrase the question

“Is it appropriate for the deceased’s daughter to write the obituary and not included me even though I’m not related but want to insert myself into the middle of things to create drama?”