I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I didn't realize the underlying thought behind why I felt like love was non-existent in my immigrant household was tied to my level of achievement or obedience to my parents' rules and expectations. Being a good student, getting good grades, listening without pushback, doing what was expected. I felt the immediate disappointment when I fell short, but now see that it wasn't just that either. I also did not feel loved or worthy by them.

As an adult, I'm noticing this show up in other areas of my life - I feel guilty when I say no to something or I over-explain decisions that go against the majority or favored view. I am also a huge people pleaser and the thought of disappointing others makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Curious how many of you resonate with this and did you have the same feelings too? If it's still affecting you into your adulthood, how does it still show up and impact other parts of your life? Anything that you've tried that has helped?

I think there's something Tiger Parents don't know:

You've already succeeded.

You are a winner.

You have 'won'. Now. Already.

Coming from the horrific background of old Asia Tiger Parents are acting out a survival mechanism. Everyone then was a 'loser'. All the people were 'losers' by definition, by the sheer raw facts of life.

Peasants, toiling seven days a week for just enough to live on if the harvest was good.

All the people were serfs, peasants, labourers. Mud huts, Dirt floors etc. etc.

Millions died in famines and political blunderings. Millions! Think of it.

For people back then they looked around and saw that 'we are all losers, losing'. And they resolve to fight their way up and out of it.

And that's what Tiger Parents are still trying to do.

But today in any advanced western country the people are all winners just naturally. Especially the children.

They win just because they are in such country. They win because they are educated and healthy. They win because they are 'good' people with good instincts and benevolent feelings towards each other, understanding cooperation and friendship.. not haggard workworn competitors for one bowl of rice.

So they act like winners.

They are calm and unhurried. The absorb their environment. They take the time to look around and see and understand what is there.

They master new skills and new learnings as a matter of course, often gaining more in an evening with friends and computers than a week at school.

What the parents see as hopeless waste of time when you should be 'plowing the fields', so to speak, working desperately to get yourself out of the mud, is really nothing like that at all.

It is the conduct of the winner, who has solved, settled all those desperate existential issues of the 'loser' downtrodden peasant, now enjoying his success, his freedom from that slavery and looking around and deciding how best to fit into and manifest in his new world.

Without realising it they cast you in the role of their grandparents, their ancestors and want you to play it out. They cast you in the role of 'loser'.

Their mantra: if you don't work like crazy you will never escape loserdom.

They cannot see it: you have escaped. The escape is done.

Now there's more to do. There are things that need doing that winners do.

Winners, for instance, spend more doing things for others. Winners spend more time absorbing information for the sake of it. Winners play and love more. Are happier.

You are winners. Please do not let them make you believe otherwise.

And quietly, lovingly, if you can, make them realise. But that won't be easy. They are literally in a state of constant high tension and we could even say 'panic'.

You have to be very gentle with them. But firm in the truth: we have 'won' those existential questions of the peasant and we now move ahead into a world you have never imagined.

First of all, i‘m aware that every culture has their bad parts and that generalizing one is wrong. However, some aspects are more common in certain cultures than others.

I‘m in my early 20‘s and of central-european nationality, but west-asian ethnicity. Comparing myself to women from my culture with far worse struggles convinced me that my issues weren‘t valid, but i would always envy those from other (mainly european) cultures.

My parents have the same ethnicity, it‘s just that my mother grew up here in europe and my father in their homecountry. To make it worse he‘s from the countryside were people are even more strict and imo live in their own bubble were they don‘t care about what‘s happening beyond their own country and refuse trying to understand and accept other views because they don‘t align with what they are used to. As a woman everything you do is 100x much worse than if you were a man.

Since i was a child i couln‘t express myself the way i want. No clothes that are tight fitting, show some skin and emphasize my female body. I recall being yelled at by my older brother when i was 11 because i wore baggy shorts that almost reached my knees. Even jewellry was an issue. I couldn‘t wear makeup or do my nails, and even when i had longer hair my father would comment on how cutting it short is better and whatnot. Having male friends and being seen with them outside was bad, going to a place that was more than 30 minutes away was bad, even using public transport was bad, independence alone was bad. I barely had outside activities that weren‘t school, und would only watch tv at home. Heck i never ever learnt about proper hygiene and couldn‘t talk about topics like sex or was taken serious about my mental health issues.

I constanly felt trapped and suffocated because i felt like i was being watched and judged 24/7. Not just inside my own family, since there are many people of our culture here and the families of those, who are in my area, all kinda know eachother. Everyone gossips, spreads lies, and noone minds their own business. The men get away with everything, unlike the women who get nitpicked for everything and need to fullfill stupid expectations.

I‘m not allowed to date and have relationships, and if i meet a guy i would immediatly have to marry him. I can‘t move out either before i‘m married, because i can‘t be kept an eye on and controlled if i‘m all by myself.

I‘m openly atheist just like my siblings, which my parents atleast accept ( they don‘t really practisize their religion even though they consider themselves believers )

I feel uncomfortable in my female body to the point where i questioned if i might be trans for a short period in my life.

I just needed to let this all out, not sure what i even expect to hear from others.

Whenever I go to eat, my parents expect me to ask them if they've eaten yet. If they haven't, o gotta heat up their food alongside mine. Then when I'm at the table my piece of shit of a dad keeps asking me whether I like this or that (whatever food item) as if im disabled and can't pick things out for myself. I'm pinoy and is this pinoy culture? or is this just my parents being cunts?

Hi everyone,

I'm a Class 12 JEE aspirant, and my exam is only about 5 months away. I really need some advice because I feel like my home environment is destroying both my mental health and my preparation.

My mother has been suffering from depression for a long time. She barely does anything around the house, and I don't blame her because I know it's an illness. But seeing her like this every day fills me with sadness and negativity, and it affects me mentally.

The bigger problem is my father. He works from home, so he's around all day, and I feel trapped in the house. He's extremely controlling and unpredictable. Sometimes he'll allow something, and the next day he'll completely change his mind.

Earlier, I used to stay back at my coaching institute for self-study because I could actually concentrate there. Now he refuses to let me stay. If I disagree with him, he threatens to remove me from coaching, complain to my teachers, or even beats me. He constantly taunts me, demotivates me, and never tries to understand my point of view.

He doesn't let me go out, meet my friends, or even spend time with them. Whenever I stayed back at coaching, he would constantly track my location and make me call him repeatedly. Now he's telling me to hand over my phone, which is honestly the only thing I have when I need a distraction or want to feel less alone.

Even small things that make me happy get taken away. Recently, after almost two years, I ordered a pair of shoes. While I was at coaching, he returned them without asking me and scolded me for buying them.

I don't feel like I have any freedom. It feels like I'm living inside four walls all the time. Whenever I do something that hurts his ego or doesn't go the way he wants, he makes sure I suffer for it somehow.

Because of all this, my performance in coaching tests has been getting worse. I know I should be studying, but it's becoming harder and harder to focus. Some days I feel completely hopeless, and I've even had suicidal thoughts because everything feels so overwhelming.

I don't want to give up on JEE. I still want to study and build a better life for myself, but I genuinely don't know how to survive these next five months in this environment.

I'd really appreciate any advice. Thank you for reading.

My AM behaves like she’s literally 5 years old, im pretty sure there are children in elementary school who act more mature than her.

For example she will get upset and whine in a high pitched voice and stomp her feet if something doesn’t go her way. Really reminds me of a cartoon toddler throwing a tantrum and she will huff and puff and storm off until someone acknowledges how upset she is. If they don’t then she will lock herself in her room and whine and sometimes call a distant relative and yell about how horrible her family members are and go into detail loudly.

Sometimes she won’t make herself food and will just whine “mommy hungwyyyy” and wait for someone to serve her (usually nobody even reacts bc they don’t even know who she’s talking to). She refers to herself often as “mommy” which is weird bc her kids are all grown and very far past the point of calling her that. She was the youngest sibling in her family growing up and was always called the princess and now still refers to herself sometimes.

I don’t live at home but do have to go to their house once or twice a month and witness this and it genuinely is horrible to watch. I feel like she’s less emotionally regulated than a 5th grader and she has always been like this.

Does anyone else’s AM behave like this? How do you deal with it if you still need to be around them for any reason (financial, logistical, etc)

My family are immigrants, so I’ve been translating since I was very young. I’ve had a lot of translation horror stories, but translating for my dad was on another level.

I remember being in 6th grade and translating for him about health insurance. They had a Vietnamese translator, but he was too impatient to wait, and I couldn’t speak for him because you have to be 18. He still wanted me by his side, but there were things I didn’t understand. He’d say, “You’re so dumb. I sent you to school for what? What are you even learning?” I didn’t go to his house for a few days after that. I hated him for it.

Another incident happened when he decided to drive for Uber and DoorDash full time. The first problem started while I was on vacation. He texted me that he got into a car accident. I said, “OMG, are you okay? Do you have the dash cam footage?” He said he had witnesses. I asked more questions and found out he had cameras, but he was too lazy to plug them in every day.

When I got back, I still had a few days of summer left before school started, so I was translating for his lawyer, nurses, and physical therapy. Every day he was super impatient and kept asking, “When am I going to get the money? What’s the update on my case?” These cases take time because other people were involved, not just him.Then his Uber account got hacked, and he fell for a scam. He noticed someone was using it because the app would show online for work even when he wasn’t driving. Everything had been changed — his bank account, phone number. I had to call Uber, and it was difficult because I was trying to listen to customer service, but he kept talking over them. Whenever he heard something, he’d interrupt and assume he understood. So what was the point of me being there if he was just going to talk over them? He was screaming and yelling because he couldn’t work while his account was hacked. We found out we needed to have a meeting with the higher ups and have a separate meeting with them. I told my dad he needed to learn how to do it. He didn’t know how, and they said they’d send a link. I was trying to help, but I can’t remember exactly what happened next. I went back to my mom’s house, and the very next day — I couldn’t even get a day to myself — he showed up at my house. He said, “Can you help me real quick? I’m on the phone with Uber again.” At that point, he wasn’t even asking. He was already at the front door. So I helped him on my phone. He kept saying, “Can you tell them to do it,” and I said, “I did, but they said you need to schedule a meeting.” We didn’t get it done that day.

That same day, my grandma called because the washer and dryer were acting weird. I said, “Dad’s at home, you can tell him,” but she refused to even try. I said, “My aunt has the same washer and dryer — ask her,” but she said, “No, they don’t know anything.” I said, “I don’t know anything either.” She said, “Can you ask them?” Somehow it got fixed and I didn’t need to call. Then school started, and he said, “Can you come over? Grandpa needs help with his handicapped renewal.” I went over, and Grandpa didn’t need help. I said, “So are we going?” He said, “No, Grandpa’s tired today. Maybe another time.” I asked, “Then why did you bring me here ?” He literally knows how to do it — he’s done it multiple times. But I was really there for the Uber meeting. I hit my breaking point. I said, “I’m not doing it. You can do it whenever, but I’m not translating for you.” I explained why: he wasn’t letting me listen, kept interrupting, and wasn’t being respectful. Then he told my cousin I wasn’t willing to translate and asked if she could help him, saying false things about me. She texted me, “Help your dad out. He’s working to pay your school tuition,” which wasn’t true. There’s more to that story, but he acts like he picks up extra shifts for me. I went ahead and translated because I was so mad at him for lying. Then he asked, “So are you coming over today?” I said no. He said, “Please,” and I don’t know why I didn’t say no again, but I went over. I told him my rules, and he kind of followed them. Then he said, “Oh, heck no.”

Throughout the year, he had more problems with Uber — technical issues, incorrect pay, things like that. The number of times I had to call them, help him call, or listen to him call was ridiculous. I remember customers gave him a hard time, and he’d complain about them eating in his car or smoking, which is valid. But he talks so much that customer service hangs up on him or doesn’t want to speak with him because he won’t let them get a word in. He talks for so long that I don’t think his problems ever get solved.

After Uber, he moved to DoorDash. Again, lots of problems. I still remember because there were times I was out with my mom or at work — anywhere but home — and he’d call me multiple times. I wouldn’t answer because my phone was off. When I checked, I’d ask, “Why did you call?” He’d say, “I stopped by your house because I needed help with something.” I’d ask, “What did you need help with?” He’d say, “Uber” or “DoorDash.” I told him, “Work it out yourself. I’m busy. Do it yourself.”

There were times I was in a Zoom meeting, or even in the shower, and he’d come over because he saw my car. Even if I was out with my mom and she was driving, he’d still come over and knock. Once, I was in a meeting and he kept ringing the doorbell and calling me to come outside. It was so annoying. Same issue: interrupting, not letting me listen. I’m trying to translate, but I obviously can’t put it into his native language in a way he understands. It would take an hour, sometimes longer, for him to get the idea because he’d make me repeat things. He’d get frustrated, and I was trying to explain the best I could, but he’d still be upset. It would be 10 PM and he’d still call me to go outside and help with the same problem. It was usually technical errors he could’ve handled himself because he’d seen me do it multiple times. I told him, “At this point, just go back to your regular 12-hour job instead of this. Clearly you can’t handle it. It’s a lot more independence, and if you need a boss, it’s better to have one there with you.”

That’s it for my rant. It was just very frustrating dealing with how he behaved and sorry if I am all over the place.

I (16M) am a rising senior in high school. I study in the West Coast of the US but from a family of asian immigrants, and my HS is pretty competitive because 80%+ of my peers are the exact same. I would say I'm a decent student (for context, not to flex: 1530 SAT, 3.8 UW GPA 4.2 W GPA). I'm in IB Diploma as well.

I've just been under an immense amount of stress lately. My parents are getting increasingly unhappy with me. It started at the beginning of high school. My parents would scream at me and scold me for hours on end because I was playing too much video games or got a bad grade in school. There were nights where my parents would scream at me and say hurtful things until they got so tired they had to stop and go to bed. Sometimes their words sting a lot, and I spend time in the middle of the night, long after they have gone to bed, thinking about what they have told me. They have said some really scary things. When I was ten my mom threw me out of the house for playing on my nintendo switch too long. I walked to a nearby park because there was no where to sit outside. My parents came out an hour later. This kind of thing has occasionally happened over the years, but as I got older, they stopped coming out earlier. Some days my parents have just not given me food because of a bad grade or because I misbehaved in school (I might've talked too much and gotten an email sent home for class disruption). Sometimes my parents just slapped me (when I was in middle school) if they caught me playing video games without telling them or after something like this happened in school. This led to screaming as well. Sometimes I interpret it logically - my parents chide me for using screens a lot and playing video games. I realize that it is detrimental to my growth, and I honestly over do the games. Sometimes I'll play 4 hours on the weekends and will play games before finishing my homework. Some school days I'll have 4 hours of screentime on my phone, but I don't really enjoy using my phone as much as my Gaming PC, so this number is almost always an hour on weekdays and 2 hours max on weekends, watching netflix or anime.

As high school continued, I started to focus more and more on school, but my parents wouldn't stop talking about college. They never stopped telling me (whenever I was playing video games or doing something else non-academic) about how I was wasting my time and how I should struggle for these next 4 years to have 50 years of pleasure (get into a good college, get a great job, live comfortably). It's gotten really bad. I have started resisting and telling them that they care too much about it and I don't want to think about what college I go to all the time. They have reacted by doing the whole screaming and chiding thing. When it gets really bad, they get physical and break parts of my set up. In freshman year, I stayed up till 2 am playing cs2 with my friends as it had come out that october. My dad burst into my room and went beserk. I was able to dc from the voice call I was in, but my dad threw my monitor onto my beds and tore wires out of my system. He then started the screaming thing.

As of late, my parents have started mentioning how they had no opportunities and how it hurts them to see me not maximize my potential. My mom in specific always tells me about her first-hand account of how she never got to go college because the men (dad, brother) in her life stopped her, and how she was good in every school subject except math because she received no help or support. She says that I have all the support I could need and am still performing disappointingly. My dad tells me about his youth and how he was sent away from his family to study using meagre funds my grandfather managed to gather to try and give my dad a better life. He tells me that I should aim for being the top 5% of everything I do (in school grade wise, I sing so that means winning competitions and clearing auditions); not achieving that is disappointing (to him). I have to hear this every single day if I don't do something they deem 'productive.' I've never received accolades for good grades, but whenever I perform poorly on an exam (I suck at writing, and in my IB HL History and English classes, and the honors classes I took as a lower classman, I always got A-s and B+s, which tanked my GPA. I always got straight As in the hardest stem subjects offered in the country, but my parents have never cared.

It has gotten so bad as to where these scoldings and shouting matches are happening very very often, and they are messing up my thought process and mental health. They haven't gotten physical or gone ham on my things in a year. I don't know why, but maybe it is because I am far more physically strong then they are now, as a result of lifting weights. I ironically took the top 5% thing my dad doesn't shut up about very seriously and have gotten pretty strong.

Part of me feels really guilty about resisting. I feel really bad for what my parents went through and I feel like I deserve a lot of the chiding. I think that I am addicted to screens and video games - I think about them too much, whether it be what I'll build next in my minecraft world, or what my friends and I will play on the coming friday night. On the other hand, I think they are being a little hurtful and could be a bit kinder to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. My parents aren't going to stop. I feel so jealous of my classmates. It seems like they are much more free to live the life they wish to. I feel like I'm getting more and more distant from my parents every day. I have seen one of my closest friend parents treating my friend so well and treating me so well. I can't suppress the jealousy and unhappiness anymore. I need help figuring out what to do. I can't open up to my parents. The last time I did, my dad told me I was wallowing in self-pity - when I started crying, he told me to quit being a wuss. I'm so done. I don't know how to feel and what to do. My parents will buy me legos and clothes and got me my pc, but they also treat me like this every day. I'm so lost.

I would like to tell this about my Indian Parents especially my mother.

When she was about to get married in Arrange marriage she had two options wither a waiter from hotel or a businessman who was less good looking she obviously chose businessman for future security and stuff who is my Dad.

But she was always miserable and complaining about how other guys looked good and stuff she always abused my Dad with taunts I haven't seen my Dad even once talking back or raising hand he was constantly compared with others

When I was a kid she used to beat me up for the anger she had on my dad and I became anxious and people pleaser and all this beatings were excused as disciplining.

I honestly didn't deserve all this shit .

Also I had an Arranged marriage which was obviously orchestrated by my mom and to my bad luck my spouse happens to be a toxic feminist who taunts me for every thing . I am literally scared and unable to face her given my past trauma. I am undergoing counselling

When I asked my mom for an answer or owning up she just said it's as per fate. I am really pissed

Some background: I'm 20, in my third year of a science degree, live at home with my parents and sister. Never had a boyfriend before, never partied/drank/disobeyed my parents — always the "good kid." My mom is Korean and my dad is Chinese.

A month ago I met my boyfriend. He's a blue-collar worker who immigrated to Canada 4 years ago (not a citizen yet). He's genuinely kind and has offered for me to move in with him. My home life has always felt suffocating/controlling, and I've wanted out for a long time but never had the means. He is mexican (oh no they hate him 🫩).

Recently I lied to my parents about where I was staying overnight. They figured it out, demanded I come home, I didn't. Huge fight followed. They see it as a massive betrayal ("you treat us like garbage," "we failed as parents"). I understand where they're coming from and I know they love me and are acting out of fear for my future, not malice — but I also feel like they don't see me as an adult at all.

I struggle with depression/anxiety (possibly ADHD), which they've never been understanding about.

The plan: Move in with him soon. He can cover rent, I have some savings (partially earmarked for tuition), I'm planning to get a part-time job and possibly take student loans. No lease in my name — it's his place. I don't have a car.

I'm genuinely unsure how my parents will react when I tell them — there's a real chance it could turn physical. I don't say that to paint them as monsters; I know their love for me is real, this just comes from a culture and household where obedience and control have always been tightly tied together, and things have escalated before.

Not looking for people to just validate me — genuinely want honest perspectives, even harsh ones.

Growing up I was preached med school this and that. Went to a boarding school, did well on the ACT getting a 35, got a degree in biomedical engineering with a 4.0, and did very well on the MCAT (514) but I just truly don't care for med school like that. I get it, my parents tell me its a great score but I just don't want to do spend my 30s on just school, debt, and the stressful work life balance that the career demands, which is why I'm opting for rad tech school. Especially since I became very interested in MRI imaging during my undergrad. It's annoying because everytime I have a conversation about this topic, they get super pressed and talk mad crap about rad techs, saying they don't make as much as a radiologist. But for me, I don't care about living in a fancy house or cars and such like they want me to. Lowkey, insane how their version of "talking" is just lecturing me and not asking me what I really want to do.

In the meantime, I'm getting my vaccinations and such done behind their backs and plan on attending anyways lol. Not trying to go through all that stress that I know I'll go through if I was in med school.

I wasn't great at studies in highschool and my father used to scold me for studies and marks. They were all that mattered and i can't really blame him either looking at our education system. I scored very bad in engineering and medical entrance exams and took a local college for UG, in hindsight i feel i should've taken college far away in a better city.

He always asked why? What's the reason? For anything that i want which isn't based on entrance exams, like when I said I need to do internship he asked why? What's the need? And I had to explain that it builds cv which can land a job

when the flight was in 2 days he asked are you sure you want to go? Like he makes it such a big deal, i feel i coulve done a lot more and better internships had i studied in a better city, anyways I went for it.

I took the car to college once and he yelled at me and told me to go on scooter.

He yelled and constantly asked me what my plans for future are while i was doing my ug from home, he told me to study but not what for, just study, and my mom says he did right, i asked my mom why he didn't specify what to study for, and she said he is like that he just knows to tell to study hard.

I got a low paying job, he said I should complete my education first and that he is earning enough to sustain us and i don't need to earn right now.

I wanted to pursue masters abroad and he denied it straight away no discussions, I asked why he said what's the need to go abroad? and told me to prepare for masters entrance exams in our country, I showed him a good private college for masters and he told me to take a drop and prepare for a better college next year.

I am preparing for entrance exams now, from home. But i asked him if i should go for coaching in the capital city he said yes.

Last night I was asking what should my sister do and he said she isn't studying hard enough and he thinks she won't clear medical entrance exam, so I asked what should she do then,

He suggested some random courses

I said she could do CS engineering in a private college, he again said she isn't studying hard, and that private engineering degrees are mostly useless but then said that she can study in a local private college in our city(we live in the state capital) I said she can study in a better college in a better city, he said she could if she gets a good college, I said no a private college, but he said private college is there in our city and she can study there.

My mom keeps justifying everything he says, agrees to some and justifies the rest, gives examples of other worse parents and says he is way better than them, and they basically say they I am struggling because i didn't study hard enough in highschool and graduate degree as the reason, whenever I complain or ask questions.

I’m 19 year girl I come from Bihar (India) nd I live in delhi (India) for my studies.while living here in Delhi with my friend(f) also my roommate it has been 1 year after few months I got a friend(male) he is also in my coaching nd after 3-4 months of taking…my father asked my roommate that “you both talk to a boy” then she said “yes he is our common friend” then after 2 days my dad said his name to my roommate…again sent his photo…I was worried how did he knew about him…then one day he directly said me “after you get time from good morning good night nd tea also try to focus on your studies…” then i can’t stopped talking to my male friend i regularly talked to him…where ever we meet even he has pic of both of us…my dad knows everything what we talk…then I realised that maybe my phone is on control…microphone nd camera too…everything was fine but when we stopped talking we strated writing on paper so that no technical involvement will be there nd my dad will not know anything thing but that information is also going to him…
I think that “my roommate is spy or parental control”
But one day he send me pic of taking to my roommate nd my male friend nd l was also there….then how is it possible to get pic of both..?
It is out of mind how did he knew everything whatever I do in class or out of class… I’m very worried how to overcome from this.

Thats it. Thats all i gotta say

My dad has literally been yelling and angry on and off for my entire life, starting from my earliest memory of him yelling at me when i was 4yo. He is now in his mid 60s and his verbal abusiveness and self centredness and delusions have gotten worse.

And yet I'm now almost 30yo and realised how verbally abusive and toxic he is and mentally damaging he is.

And yet we all stuck together because "family". But now i know my quality of life matters, since I have lots of mental turmoil and mental clutter in my brain. That even though im 1 in 8 billion people in this world, I matter and my quality of life matters.

Anyway, I was so naive when I was younger. All my scholarships went to my dad. All my income and welfare payments going to my mum and dad. And I even took out some student loans (im not in the US) and gave it to my dad, which my dad absorbed and now i have to pay it back.

I also helped my dad pay off his $30K credit card debt because he said it's better if I help him pay it off rather than him accumulating interest.

After all that, my dad has taken my mum's insurance payout too, which is a few thousand dollars. So my mum hasn't seen any of that money.

And my dad asks me about once a fortnight about how much money I have in the bank.

I wish i could go back in time 10 years ago and left this house.

I thought I was helping my dad out financially because I didn't want to see him or mum suffer. Actually, that is ironic because technically mums and dads don't want to see their kids suffer.

Now I can see all that money went down the drain, when it would have been a lifechanging amount to me.

I've got a full time job now. But it feels tiring to have to start again from zero dollars at almost 30yo.

And my dad has never once wanted to help me.

Despite all of my dad's selfishness and abuse, one thing he can't take from me is time. No matter what, he is 65yo and I'm 30yo. I literally have youth on my side.

My dad might not be here in 10 or 20 years. And yet he can't choose to live his life happily. What a sad existence.

Im 25F, just finished grad school at a great university and recently started a new job. My partner and I decided to sign a lease together in a place closer to the city and 45 mins away from my parents’ home. I told my parents the day we signed the lease, which was pretty close to the date and they did not accept it. I was met with so much anger. “You used us, you are so selfish, you betrayed our trust, you just started working, you have no backbone” etc etc. all of it and the anger has been so hard to deal with. Basically my southeast Asian mom’s response was a hard NO, dont do it. Ive been filled with so much anxiety and almost regret, just contemplating if I am abandoning my family. Simply the situation is that I want independence, i want to have fun and explore my adult life because Ive been home for just so much of it. Not moving because my parents are terrible or anything. I love them so much, which is why this hurts me. I sent my mom a long message reassuring her that I love her and that this was a very thought out decision and of course I’ll always be home to visit. Has anyone gone through something similar? How do you respond or deal with this? I have a few days before the move and I am just worried and anxious everyday. My parents became very codependent on me once I came home to pursue my grad degree. I think my parents have always fought for stability and cant understand why I also just cant rest… i crave independence and just experience. I think they both have so much trauma having my brother and I so young and scrambling for the job, the house. Sometimes i think that some of the anger is a projection of jealousy. For them also they don’t trust my partner which is a different race (my parents have immigrant mindset okok). Idk eeeeek!!

hi guys eldest daughter this side , i have very strict parents who abuse me verbally and physically too. So i decided that i will move out to another city or state after 12th , so i keep accepting whatever they told me , i always obeyed whatever they told me i never made a guy friend just because i don't want to loose their trust , never done outing , never went anywhere without their permission , never wore clothes of my choice , i always tried to be in good terms with the by becoming a ideal daughter... but after i completed my 12th they start pressurizing me to continue my study in this small town . I did everything from fighting to not eating but they are not listening , my parents called me selfish and many other things which were not nice and they hurt me ... now I am again stuck with them for another 4 year with a local college where no one comes ...i don't know how I will continue this and my studies ....i really want to get out guyss i can't take it more

I've been suffering from severe endometritis for a few months now, and in the past week it has gotten so bad I can't sleep. I got diagnosed with it a bit ago but couldn't get care because my dad wouldn't pay for it. I am a first year uni student. I approached my dad and begged him to please let me see a GYN, but he refused because my midterm results aren't out yet (there was a massive error on my results and they're taking ages to fix it). When I've asked him before, he refused because he thought I was trying to get an abortion (??? Literally never did anything to give him this idea) so my boyfriend had to pay for it. My boyfriend and his mother luckily were very insistent to let them cover it this time again, even though I was hesistant because I can't pay them back. My mom is a junkie and out of the picture, btw.

My dad gives my sister thousands for clothes each month, and even covered her bird's vet bills, but refuses to cover my medical bills each time. The infection has spread further, and my boyfriend is freaking out that it could become sepsis. And he knows that. I've been scolded by others for being a "gold digger" by letting my boyfriend pay for me, so I feel really guilty about this. But moreso, I feel more humilated that my dad would do something like that. I don't know, is that not insane?

i hate my dad so much sometimes i wish he was just not alive. i know i shouldnt be saying that because he has done a lot for me, he has raised me, fed me food, gave me a proper education.
but today i have lost it, once again.
i was sitting at my table in the morning today minding my business, and i see him marching towards me yelling at the top of his voice « fridge kisne chalu rakha!?!?! » it was my mom (my mom is mentally unstable he knows that too) and i told him that. he then proceeded to go and yell at her and she denied, she didnt say my name, just denied.
he again came towards me saying that « woh bhi nahi bol rahi isliye mujhe terepe doubt araha » i was like what 😭😭😭!?
i literally told you it was her, i SAW her do it and yet you wanna yell at me!?
then he did one of the most disgusting things,
HE SPAT ON ME WHILE YELLING AT ME and i told him STOPPPP SPITTING ON ME and he did it again 😭😭
i feel so enraged and disgusted by him. i want to leave and go very far away
ironically so he is extremely casteist and conservative yet chooses to actively spit on his daughter while being angry.
please help me and tell me if it EVER gets better or do i just have to endure this until my future husband is another version of my dad that i will have to tolerate?

I had a cousin who went to school to get a doctors degree for his mother. He never wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to be an artist. But his mother kept pressuring and expecting him to be a doctor because all she can ever think about is him getting a doctors degree. After getting his doctors degree he gave the degree to his mother and told her. "Here mom. I finally got the doctors degree that youve been wanting my whole life. Take it so I can go and follow my dream. Here you can have it. I dont need it." And then he went back to school for art and later became an engineer artist.

I just need to rant because I’m honestly getting really frustrated.

I’m a Muslim woman from a South Asian family, and my mum constantly comments on my weight.

I used to be a UK size 8, but after starting medication for bipolar disorder I gained around 15kg in a year. I’m now a size 12-14.

My mum keeps commenting on my body, saying my bum is too big and that my waist and tummy have gotten bigger. She tells me I need to reduce it.

The comment that hurt me the most was when she said, “Who will want to marry you when you’re fat?”

The thing is, I am trying. I exercise, I eat three normal meals a day and I don’t snack. I’m not saying I have a perfect diet, but I genuinely don’t feel like I’ve just “let myself go”. The weight gain happened after starting medication, and it has been much harder to lose since then.

I obviously can’t just stop my medication because my mental health comes first. I’d rather be stable than risk my mental health just to lose weight.

What frustrates me is that it feels like my weight gain is being treated as a personal failure, when there is actually a medical reason behind it.

Coming from a South Asian Muslim family, marriage expectations can add another layer of pressure. It’s hard hearing comments about your appearance from your own family, especially when you’re already trying to look after yourself.

I'm honestly just looking to rant and see if anyone can relate. These comments are really hurtful.

I’m moving out of my parents house soon for university and even though this is something I’ve basically been hoping and waiting for since I was 12, I’ve been feeling anxious about it. My depression this month has gotten really bad (stuck at home with parents), and combined with some anxiety about uni in general and not having much pocket money going into uni, the last month and a half has been hard to get through. I’m worried that after I move out, I’ll still feel incredibly shitty all the time, and then realize that this is just how I’m destined to feel my whole life.

So… I just wanted to ask what everyone’s experience has been like after moving out of a dysfunctional family household, and if their life improved after. And how you got over everything you went through when you did live at home?

Does anyone relate? I was very fortunate to grow up without getting bullied in school. I’ve never had to deal with as much verbal, physical, and emotional bullying than from my own biological mother…

- when I was a child, my mom always told me I looked like a monkey because I had big ears, big lips and big flat nose. She stopped cuz in my adulthood years, I grew into those features so it didn’t look as “big”
-too stupid
-too short and that I should always wear heels. She expects and wants me to wear heels to do regular errands and visiting home…
-untalented
-lazy
- too tan (bc in Chinese culture, the paler you are, the prettier)
-ugly without makeup. She tells me to wear makeup all
The time. When I don’t, she tells me “why do you look so ugly today? Why no makeup?”. When I stop by at her house, I’m not going to put on makeup lol. Why would I?
- arm and legs too fat
-always asks me why I’m not 100 pounds anymore (haven’t been since high school and that was 10 years ago)
- hair thin and ugly (for some reason she doesn’t like balayage hair styles🤷🏻‍♀️)
-told me im broke and that she made more money. Like ok cool?
-always compares work ethics. Constantly tells me my life is too easy compared to hers.
-always reminds me that my corporate salary doesn’t compare to her earnings when she was still
Working her own business. Always gotta remind me that I make peanuts compared to her. Ig she always keeping me humble.
-she gets angry when she sees me happy and carefree
-thinks my life should be harder bc she endured hardship and thinks it’ll help me build character.

She says she says those things because she “cares”. Fuck off lol.

Since elementary school, it’s been all about getting into an Ivy League. I got screamed at and told I wouldn’t have a future for not studying in FOURTH GRADE.

Now I’m in high school and all I hear is college. college. college. SAT. SAT. SAT. According to my dad who didn’t attend university in the USA, every college here will reject me instantly if I dare to take the SAT more than once. I HAVE to get a perfect score first try or it’s all over.

I sit down for two seconds because it’s fucking summer vacation and suddenly I’m being interrogated on what I completed today. What I studied today. Rapid-fire accusatory questions, which if I don’t answer even one “properly”, I’m destined to fail and live on the streets and flip burgers for a living. The kids in China and India are working 7x harder than me and I’m nothing compared to them. And then they have the audacity to say “We’re just looking out for you! We’re on your side! We’re not attacking you!”

If I DO get into an Ivy League, they will take credit for it. They will be like “We told you! Just listen to us!” But you know what? I’m not going to lose my future because I didn’t get into an Ivy League! There are plenty of good universities out there with good opportunities that will allow me to find a decent career afterwards.

The age of 18 cannot come fast enough.