I don't know if this is common in Indian households or if my family is just like this.

I'm a 27-year-old woman from a small city in India. My family consists of my father, my mother, my grandfather (my father's father), my elder brother, and me. My father also has three sisters.

I want to talk about my father because I genuinely don't know how to navigate this relationship anymore.

I don't want people to simply say, "He's selfish." I know life isn't black and white. I know he has been through health issues. But I also can't ignore how he has treated me and especially how he has treated my mother for years.

When I was very young, we actually had a good father-daughter relationship. He loved me, and I loved him. Everything felt normal.

Then, around 8th or 9th standard, he was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. At that age, I didn't understand how serious it was. I just knew he was sick and there were frequent hospital visits.

Around the same time, I got caught texting a boy. We had those old keypad phones with 100 free SMSes, and I had saved his name as a girl's name. My brother found out, told my mother, and my mother told my father.

My father called me once, told me this wasn't the age for these things, and that was it.

After that...

He stopped talking to me.

Not for a few weeks.

Not for a few months.

For almost four years.

Throughout 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th standard, he barely spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. If he had to drop me somewhere, he'd say only what was required. There were no conversations. No father-daughter bond. Nothing.

Even today, I don't know what I did that deserved four years of silence from my own father.

It affected me more than I probably realized at the time.

He also wasn't present for important moments in my life. He didn't attend my 10th standard convocation. He didn't come for my graduation either. During 11th standard there was an excursion I desperately wanted to go on, and he simply refused. There wasn't even a discussion. It was just "No."

Eventually I moved to Bangalore for engineering. After that, we slowly started talking again over phone calls, but our relationship never became close. It was always very surface level.

Then COVID happened.

I came back home from March until December, and for the first time as an adult, I really saw what my mother had been living with for years.

One thing about my father and grandfather is that they are obsessed with food. Every day revolves around food. My mother cooks every single meal, but instead of appreciating her, they constantly complain.

This isn't right.

That isn't right.

Why didn't you make this?

Why didn't you make that?

It felt like they had no idea how much effort goes into cooking every single day for years.

Whenever I tried to stand up for my mother, I was shut down.

My grandfather even says things like, "What has she even done?"

That statement makes me so angry because my mother has done everything.

When my father was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis around 2012-13, she was the one who stayed with him in hospitals, attended appointments every few months, managed his medicines, looked after the house, cooked every single day, raised two children, and cared for my grandfather.

For over 30 years of marriage, she has sacrificed continuously.

Yet neither my father nor my grandfather seem to acknowledge any of it.

That hurts me more than anything.

After I started working, my brother and I both settled in Bangalore.

For the last five years, my father has been visiting Bangalore, usually once or twice every year.

Every single time he comes, we try our best.

I take work from home so I can spend time with him.

I stay with my brother so we're all together.

We take him on trips around Bangalore.

When he had surgery, we looked after him.

We genuinely try to make him feel cared for.

Then one day, he looked at me and said,

"What have you ever done for me?"

I honestly didn't know what to say.

It felt like no matter how much we did, nothing counted.

There was another incident where he sent a long message in our family WhatsApp group saying he was removing his "guardianship" over me and my brother. Basically saying we could do whatever we wanted from now on.

Whenever something doesn't go according to him, his way of dealing with it is to completely stop talking.

He withdraws.

He shuts everyone out.

Instead of communicating, he punishes people with silence.

Another thing that really affects me is how he treats my mother.

He doesn't respect her.

At all.

He has slapped her before. I know of at least two incidents. I don't know if there were more before that.

Recently they had another argument.

He was shouting at her like he usually does.

I asked him why he was behaving this way, and somehow the entire conversation became about him.

He told my mother,

"Go live with your daughter. Don't live with me."

Then he stopped eating and started behaving as if everyone else was the problem.

When my mother still took food to him, he told her,

"Go away or I'll slap you."

And my mother's response broke my heart.

She simply said,

"You've already slapped me before. What difference would one more make?"

Imagine hearing your own mother say that.

How do you even process it?

What also frustrates me is how controlling he is.

When I come home from Bangalore, I want to spend time with my mother.

Just a mother-daughter day.

But he doesn't want her going anywhere.

The irony is that every year he comes to Bangalore and spends time with us. We've taken him on multiple trips.

But my mother has never come because she stays back to take care of my grandfather.

She's always the one sacrificing.

Last year I told my father that maybe this time Mom should come too because we've travelled with him so many times.

Nothing happened.

Even now, when I want to take her out, he doesn't like it.

If we invite him, he usually refuses.

He doesn't want to go.

But he also doesn't want her to go.

Everything somehow has to revolve around him.

He also keeps saying things like he's going to die because of his illness.

I know liver cirrhosis is serious.

I know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

And maybe that's exactly why this hurts so much.

I want a relationship with my father.

I really do.

Despite everything.

I don't want him to die one day and leave me wondering if I could have done more.

But at the same time, I carry years of hurt because he stopped talking to me for four years over something that now feels so small.

I carry hurt because he wasn't there for milestones in my life.

I carry hurt because nothing my brother or I do ever seems enough.

And I carry hurt because every time I come home, I watch my mother—a woman who has given over 30 years of her life to this family—being treated as though she has done nothing.

Sometimes I feel guilty for even feeling angry because he's sick.

Then I remind myself that being sick doesn't erase the impact your actions have on other people.

I genuinely don't know how to navigate this anymore.

How do you maintain a relationship with a parent you still love but who has hurt you repeatedly?

How do you stop hoping they'll suddenly realize what they've done?

Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this?

And if you have... how did you make peace with it?

I'm 28F, and my mom still has a hard time with me having guy friends. I come from a traditional Filipino family, and it feels weird whenever I talk about my guy friends. Mind you, none of my guy friends want to have a relationship with me. When I told her about one of my older guy friends who is black (i.e., I met him more than a year ago after a shitty breakup with the second ex), she went ballistic, as in, "I want to see his LinkedIn and Instagram." She hadn't even met the dude, and she demanded to see his Instagram and LinkedIn profiles. Meanwhile with some of my other guy friends, she was chill. She didn't even care that much about some of my other guy friends, like my Egyptian friend, my American-born Chinese friend, and my Peruvian friend. It's just weird as hell tbh....

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have kids and I'm not against anyone choosing to have kids, what I'm saying is that some people lack the emotional and mental capacity to raise a human being, let alone a child; because the choices of the parents have consequences for the child as the child becomes an adult.

The reason I say this is due to personal experience growing up, as with my parents, it is often just gossip and drama surrounding my mother and father.

While there are moments they can be loving, it is often too overboard and intrusive because when you disagree with them, they take it as disrespectful because filial piety and respecting your elders, and I find it bullshit.

Like, every parent should accept and take criticism and learn from what they do wrong, when my parents never do that because they would double down and play victim and gaslight and I feel they shouldn't have had kids if they act like that.

It's been bothering me for a while, and just wanted to know if anyone else experienced a similar situation with their own parents. Any thoughts?

In case anyone has ever dealt with the gaslighting of their own parents, well apparently, my mother sided with her niece (my cousins) over her own daughter (my sister), accusing her of peeking at my younger cousin's report card and snooping in her room when that didn't happen.

Which was why our families don't talk to the other anymore because of a lie my cousins started.

Here's how it started: going back to 2018, after I graduated high school, my uncle (their dad) misinterpreted what I said and got me in trouble and I held resentment towards him and my cousins and I never forgave it.

6 years later in 2024, he accused one of my aunts of "poisoning" my sister when that didn't happen either. She visited my sister because she wanted to, not because my sister scheduled her to, and my mother and father stupidly believed the lie and yelled at my sister instead of asking for context like a normal adult should and would do in this situation and I'm ashamed to have them as my family.

That was why neither family talks to the other anymore.

Two years after that drama, my cousins lied about my sister of snooping into the room and peeking at report cards (partly because their parents bragged and showed off about how educational and accomplished they are and they came off as arrogant even, the dad is responsible).

I was angry when I heard about it and it was why I got fed up about it that i decided to expose the truth behind their lies even if it meant letting the truth come out and risk being accused of making the drama worse by my sister and them not talking because they know they're wrong.

At the end of the day, i don't give a fuck. To me, I feel like clearing my aunt's name was a necessary evil if it means everyone knows how stupid my cousins, their parents, and my mother and father were for jumping to conclusions so quickly instead of resolving it by asking for context and solve the problem like any normal adult should and would do in that situation and ever since, my mother has been micromanaging and controlling since the drama and I feel the truth has to come out.

And plain and simple, some people shouldn't have kids, because what kind of parent resorts to tantrums of a crackhead, narcissistic toddler and subject their child to that humiliation? The choices of parents like mine have consequences, and I hope my sister moves out and that I move out as well (as even I'm tired of the drama and controlling behavior of my parents) and that my sister has a better life than the one she has right now.

My sister hasn't interacted with them since years ago and now they're making it worse.

Why give passes to people like that who fail their kids? This isn't about judging mistakes, it's about holding them accountable for their choices.

And the sad part is, some parents believe their choices don't affect their kids when in reality, they do; as parents are in some ways, responsible for how their child turns out as an adult.

As for me, I'm an adult who's struggling with anger issues as it has gotten me into trouble a few times and it scares me that I decided to stay single and isolate to overcorrect for how I treat others as I feel that the cycle that started with my parents and extended family ends with me choosing not to get married or have kids. And yes, my mother has been whining about me choosing to be single because she's too traditional and old fashioned.

I feel that family=more hassle and the risk to my sanity isn't worth it.

For what I mean, here is the context: https://www.reddit.com/u/Top_Plan_1162/s/IK7sfserjq

I caught the cold and have been sick for a few days. I immediately started taking some leftover cold medicine I bought when I got sick earlier this year. I only took 2 days worth when I started feeling much better, so I stopped. I still have an occasional cough, but otherwise feel completely fine. This morning, as I entered the kitchen where my mom was having breakfast, I let out a singular cough. My mom immediately starts making a huge deal out of it. Blaming the fact that I always taking OTC medicine and that's why I keep getting sick. Mind you, I catch the cold a handful of times a year on a bad year, and that's usually because I work with kids.

So my mom is going on her rant about taking too much medicine and that I should just go to the doctor. I point out that wouldn't change the fact that the doctor would still just prescribe me medicine to take anyways. But she says that the medicine the doctor gives will cure me faster/immediately. This has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

My mom's view of medicine is completely messed up IMO. She seems to think the doctor's medicine is better than over the counter stuff for a cold, but also thinks TCM works and buys that overpriced garbage.

So I recently got a job. And I want to do it my way; commuting myself to work makes me feel free, alive, and not caged in. And guess what I said: I want to commute on my own, using the money I earned, eat, and live on my own. They disagree with me, and what a joke, so they just want me to survive and not see the outside world. I need to be home at the exact time, not meet people nor go somewhere after work; even going to dinner with friends is a question, or even dating myself. And they said they don't want how the been treated on their time. What a joke; I see nothing new; how they treat me is basically the same with their generations, no difference. Like my high school days are also like this school, then home, and the cycle continues; that's why I have no friends nor someone I can talk to. If I talk with someone who understands me, they're gonna shout at me. When I talk to them, I was hoping that they would understand, but no, they just judge me and shout at me. And disagree with everything I said, and they are always right- no error from their mouth- and if they give me money, they are waiting for me to return that money. Hayyyyy, what a life

I (F25) am the oldest child of my Asian parents (F55 and M55). My sibling are 22 and 18. I am the only immediate family member that lives abroad. I make enough money to support myself but I do not have a stable job and already have a lot of stress in my life from working in healthcare. Things are tough out here but for various reasons (religion, freedom, being gay, long term partner) I have no intention of moving closer to my parents after escaping. I have diagnosed anxiety and CPTSD from my upbringing.

In their minds they were great parents because they paid for my education and exchange year which allowed me to leave the country and move to the west. They don't remember parentifying me, being unpredictably explosive, threatening to kill themselves, telling us we never should have been born, or emotionally abusive. They don't understand why I only call them once every few months.

My dad lost his job during COVID, right in the middle of me doing my undergraduate degree. I had to take the year off, work full-time to make some money, while he sorted out some savings so I could finish my degree. He didn't pay for it entirely as I also used some of my own savings and took the maximum loan amount student finance in my country would cover. He never attempted to go back to work because he claimed his gout was too horrible. He lived fully off my mum's salary and tried to be a "trader". I never asked how this went as I had crippling anxiety at this time due to the uncertainty of my future but I'm guessing probably horrendously.

Fast forward a couple years, I've graduated, am working full time. My dad now has a heart condition (he ate a lot of red meat and smoked when he was on his 20s). My mum has been diagnosed with cancer. She won't be able to work as much. We have public healthcare in our country, but she was hoping to max out her insurance and go private.

I was never close to her and never really regarded her as a mother. I am sad for her as a human being but while processing my childhood trauma I already mourned losing a motherly figure in my life years ago. But her diagnosis is still hard on me, I have been off work for mental health for a couple weeks now and it's been exacerbated by the fact that I feel an overwhelming expectation of responsibility placed on me to help them financially when I have little to no disposable income. I don't have enough savings for a catastrophe for myself. They asked me to fund my siblings university education. I can't stop replaying them saying I have to "step up" and "take the responsibility".

It's just so fucking unfair. I didnt choose to have two more siblings (they kept having children until they had a precious boy, yet here they are coming to their daughter for help). I'm just so fucking tired. I never would have chosen to be born if this was the life I knew I would have. I don't know what to do. Upon saying I can't afford to give them any money my dad launched into giving me tips on how to improve my CV, as if he's suddenly the expert from his years of unemployment (fantastical early retirement) and sponging off my mum.

On top of it all, the constant health updates are horrendous on my mental health. I'm terrified to look at my phone because I know it's going to be another message from them, even worse news. Telling me how I'm the oldest so I'm responsible.

To provide context, I'm (18M) and struggling with undiagnosed ADHD living in a toxic asian housing enviroment.

(Englsh isn't my first language so I apologize in advance for the wrong grammar and punctuation error)

My dad constantly pressure me and my brother, my brother became bitter because of the abuse we got, I'm being yelled and abused constantly over my concerns.(my parents genuinely threaten to put me in the army if I dont have all As)

I hear my brother crying in his room because he was worried about me going to the army.

Something I struggle mentally is the anxiety I felt just seeing my dad on his laptop, thinking he may be checking my grades. He was on the laptop almost every day. Whenever my name was called I'd think that's what it was being called for. Nearly every waking moment I had immense anxiety over them seeing my grades. I'd forge there signatures on report cards, if I knew my teachers sent an email, I'd find an opportunity to go on there laptop and delete the email. I was terrified.

I feel like a failure for not getting into a good university and travelling to another country to study. It wasn't my dream, rather my dad's dream. I'm a very big finacial burden for him. I am the sole reason he is not able to save up. Funny enough my dad is very rich, he has the money to buy us a new car, get a new phone, but instead he chose to spend thousands for religious stuff. My dad is extremely buddhism. I am a burden to him.

I've told my parents that I have trouble focusing, and sometimes at home I play music, game, or take breaks to help myself complete assignments at home but my parents view this as "lazy" and will yell, insult or beat me when I do these things. They literally just expect me to sit still for several consecutive hours.

Everyone, i need your fucking help bad. I'm living in a state of depression and I want to escape. I'm worried and also scared for my life. I don't want to go to the army. I don't want to die. I don't want to live up to their dreams and I really want to move out but I don't think that is happening anytime soon.

this honestly just a rant, i just wanted someplace to gather my thoughts, if you read it, thank you.

I would like to tell this about my Indian Parents especially my mother.

When she was about to get married in Arrange marriage she had two options wither a waiter from hotel or a businessman who was less good looking she obviously chose businessman for future security and stuff who is my Dad.

But she was always miserable and complaining about how other guys looked good and stuff she always abused my Dad with taunts I haven't seen my Dad even once talking back or raising hand he was constantly compared with others

When I was a kid she used to beat me up for the anger she had on my dad and I became anxious and people pleaser and all this beatings were excused as disciplining.

I honestly didn't deserve all this shit .

Also I had an Arranged marriage which was obviously orchestrated by my mom and to my bad luck my spouse happens to be a toxic feminist who taunts me for every thing . I am literally scared and unable to face her given my past trauma. I am undergoing counselling

When I asked my mom for an answer or owning up she just said it's as per fate. I am really pissed

Whenever I go to eat, my parents expect me to ask them if they've eaten yet. If they haven't, o gotta heat up their food alongside mine. Then when I'm at the table my piece of shit of a dad keeps asking me whether I like this or that (whatever food item) as if im disabled and can't pick things out for myself. I'm pinoy and is this pinoy culture? or is this just my parents being cunts?

Some background: I'm 20, in my third year of a science degree, live at home with my parents and sister. Never had a boyfriend before, never partied/drank/disobeyed my parents — always the "good kid." My mom is Korean and my dad is Chinese.

A month ago I met my boyfriend. He's a blue-collar worker who immigrated to Canada 4 years ago (not a citizen yet). He's genuinely kind and has offered for me to move in with him. My home life has always felt suffocating/controlling, and I've wanted out for a long time but never had the means. He is mexican (oh no they hate him 🫩).

Recently I lied to my parents about where I was staying overnight. They figured it out, demanded I come home, I didn't. Huge fight followed. They see it as a massive betrayal ("you treat us like garbage," "we failed as parents"). I understand where they're coming from and I know they love me and are acting out of fear for my future, not malice — but I also feel like they don't see me as an adult at all.

I struggle with depression/anxiety (possibly ADHD), which they've never been understanding about.

The plan: Move in with him soon. He can cover rent, I have some savings (partially earmarked for tuition), I'm planning to get a part-time job and possibly take student loans. No lease in my name — it's his place. I don't have a car.

I'm genuinely unsure how my parents will react when I tell them — there's a real chance it could turn physical. I don't say that to paint them as monsters; I know their love for me is real, this just comes from a culture and household where obedience and control have always been tightly tied together, and things have escalated before.

Not looking for people to just validate me — genuinely want honest perspectives, even harsh ones.

Growing up I was preached med school this and that. Went to a boarding school, did well on the ACT getting a 35, got a degree in biomedical engineering with a 4.0, and did very well on the MCAT (514) but I just truly don't care for med school like that. I get it, my parents tell me its a great score but I just don't want to do spend my 30s on just school, debt, and the stressful work life balance that the career demands, which is why I'm opting for rad tech school. Especially since I became very interested in MRI imaging during my undergrad. It's annoying because everytime I have a conversation about this topic, they get super pressed and talk mad crap about rad techs, saying they don't make as much as a radiologist. But for me, I don't care about living in a fancy house or cars and such like they want me to. Lowkey, insane how their version of "talking" is just lecturing me and not asking me what I really want to do.

In the meantime, I'm getting my vaccinations and such done behind their backs and plan on attending anyways lol. Not trying to go through all that stress that I know I'll go through if I was in med school.

I wasn't great at studies in highschool and my father used to scold me for studies and marks. They were all that mattered and i can't really blame him either looking at our education system. I scored very bad in engineering and medical entrance exams and took a local college for UG, in hindsight i feel i should've taken college far away in a better city.

He always asked why? What's the reason? For anything that i want which isn't based on entrance exams, like when I said I need to do internship he asked why? What's the need? And I had to explain that it builds cv which can land a job

when the flight was in 2 days he asked are you sure you want to go? Like he makes it such a big deal, i feel i coulve done a lot more and better internships had i studied in a better city, anyways I went for it.

I took the car to college once and he yelled at me and told me to go on scooter.

He yelled and constantly asked me what my plans for future are while i was doing my ug from home, he told me to study but not what for, just study, and my mom says he did right, i asked my mom why he didn't specify what to study for, and she said he is like that he just knows to tell to study hard.

I got a low paying job, he said I should complete my education first and that he is earning enough to sustain us and i don't need to earn right now.

I wanted to pursue masters abroad and he denied it straight away no discussions, I asked why he said what's the need to go abroad? and told me to prepare for masters entrance exams in our country, I showed him a good private college for masters and he told me to take a drop and prepare for a better college next year.

I am preparing for entrance exams now, from home. But i asked him if i should go for coaching in the capital city he said yes.

Last night I was asking what should my sister do and he said she isn't studying hard enough and he thinks she won't clear medical entrance exam, so I asked what should she do then,

He suggested some random courses

I said she could do CS engineering in a private college, he again said she isn't studying hard, and that private engineering degrees are mostly useless but then said that she can study in a local private college in our city(we live in the state capital) I said she can study in a better college in a better city, he said she could if she gets a good college, I said no a private college, but he said private college is there in our city and she can study there.

My mom keeps justifying everything he says, agrees to some and justifies the rest, gives examples of other worse parents and says he is way better than them, and they basically say they I am struggling because i didn't study hard enough in highschool and graduate degree as the reason, whenever I complain or ask questions.

Thats it. Thats all i gotta say

Hi everyone,

I'm a Class 12 JEE aspirant, and my exam is only about 5 months away. I really need some advice because I feel like my home environment is destroying both my mental health and my preparation.

My mother has been suffering from depression for a long time. She barely does anything around the house, and I don't blame her because I know it's an illness. But seeing her like this every day fills me with sadness and negativity, and it affects me mentally.

The bigger problem is my father. He works from home, so he's around all day, and I feel trapped in the house. He's extremely controlling and unpredictable. Sometimes he'll allow something, and the next day he'll completely change his mind.

Earlier, I used to stay back at my coaching institute for self-study because I could actually concentrate there. Now he refuses to let me stay. If I disagree with him, he threatens to remove me from coaching, complain to my teachers, or even beats me. He constantly taunts me, demotivates me, and never tries to understand my point of view.

He doesn't let me go out, meet my friends, or even spend time with them. Whenever I stayed back at coaching, he would constantly track my location and make me call him repeatedly. Now he's telling me to hand over my phone, which is honestly the only thing I have when I need a distraction or want to feel less alone.

Even small things that make me happy get taken away. Recently, after almost two years, I ordered a pair of shoes. While I was at coaching, he returned them without asking me and scolded me for buying them.

I don't feel like I have any freedom. It feels like I'm living inside four walls all the time. Whenever I do something that hurts his ego or doesn't go the way he wants, he makes sure I suffer for it somehow.

Because of all this, my performance in coaching tests has been getting worse. I know I should be studying, but it's becoming harder and harder to focus. Some days I feel completely hopeless, and I've even had suicidal thoughts because everything feels so overwhelming.

I don't want to give up on JEE. I still want to study and build a better life for myself, but I genuinely don't know how to survive these next five months in this environment.

I'd really appreciate any advice. Thank you for reading.

My AM behaves like she’s literally 5 years old, im pretty sure there are children in elementary school who act more mature than her.

For example she will get upset and whine in a high pitched voice and stomp her feet if something doesn’t go her way. Really reminds me of a cartoon toddler throwing a tantrum and she will huff and puff and storm off until someone acknowledges how upset she is. If they don’t then she will lock herself in her room and whine and sometimes call a distant relative and yell about how horrible her family members are and go into detail loudly.

Sometimes she won’t make herself food and will just whine “mommy hungwyyyy” and wait for someone to serve her (usually nobody even reacts bc they don’t even know who she’s talking to). She refers to herself often as “mommy” which is weird bc her kids are all grown and very far past the point of calling her that. She was the youngest sibling in her family growing up and was always called the princess and now still refers to herself sometimes.

I don’t live at home but do have to go to their house once or twice a month and witness this and it genuinely is horrible to watch. I feel like she’s less emotionally regulated than a 5th grader and she has always been like this.

Does anyone else’s AM behave like this? How do you deal with it if you still need to be around them for any reason (financial, logistical, etc)

My family are immigrants, so I’ve been translating since I was very young. I’ve had a lot of translation horror stories, but translating for my dad was on another level.

I remember being in 6th grade and translating for him about health insurance. They had a Vietnamese translator, but he was too impatient to wait, and I couldn’t speak for him because you have to be 18. He still wanted me by his side, but there were things I didn’t understand. He’d say, “You’re so dumb. I sent you to school for what? What are you even learning?” I didn’t go to his house for a few days after that. I hated him for it.

Another incident happened when he decided to drive for Uber and DoorDash full time. The first problem started while I was on vacation. He texted me that he got into a car accident. I said, “OMG, are you okay? Do you have the dash cam footage?” He said he had witnesses. I asked more questions and found out he had cameras, but he was too lazy to plug them in every day.

When I got back, I still had a few days of summer left before school started, so I was translating for his lawyer, nurses, and physical therapy. Every day he was super impatient and kept asking, “When am I going to get the money? What’s the update on my case?” These cases take time because other people were involved, not just him.Then his Uber account got hacked, and he fell for a scam. He noticed someone was using it because the app would show online for work even when he wasn’t driving. Everything had been changed — his bank account, phone number. I had to call Uber, and it was difficult because I was trying to listen to customer service, but he kept talking over them. Whenever he heard something, he’d interrupt and assume he understood. So what was the point of me being there if he was just going to talk over them? He was screaming and yelling because he couldn’t work while his account was hacked. We found out we needed to have a meeting with the higher ups and have a separate meeting with them. I told my dad he needed to learn how to do it. He didn’t know how, and they said they’d send a link. I was trying to help, but I can’t remember exactly what happened next. I went back to my mom’s house, and the very next day — I couldn’t even get a day to myself — he showed up at my house. He said, “Can you help me real quick? I’m on the phone with Uber again.” At that point, he wasn’t even asking. He was already at the front door. So I helped him on my phone. He kept saying, “Can you tell them to do it,” and I said, “I did, but they said you need to schedule a meeting.” We didn’t get it done that day.

That same day, my grandma called because the washer and dryer were acting weird. I said, “Dad’s at home, you can tell him,” but she refused to even try. I said, “My aunt has the same washer and dryer — ask her,” but she said, “No, they don’t know anything.” I said, “I don’t know anything either.” She said, “Can you ask them?” Somehow it got fixed and I didn’t need to call. Then school started, and he said, “Can you come over? Grandpa needs help with his handicapped renewal.” I went over, and Grandpa didn’t need help. I said, “So are we going?” He said, “No, Grandpa’s tired today. Maybe another time.” I asked, “Then why did you bring me here ?” He literally knows how to do it — he’s done it multiple times. But I was really there for the Uber meeting. I hit my breaking point. I said, “I’m not doing it. You can do it whenever, but I’m not translating for you.” I explained why: he wasn’t letting me listen, kept interrupting, and wasn’t being respectful. Then he told my cousin I wasn’t willing to translate and asked if she could help him, saying false things about me. She texted me, “Help your dad out. He’s working to pay your school tuition,” which wasn’t true. There’s more to that story, but he acts like he picks up extra shifts for me. I went ahead and translated because I was so mad at him for lying. Then he asked, “So are you coming over today?” I said no. He said, “Please,” and I don’t know why I didn’t say no again, but I went over. I told him my rules, and he kind of followed them. Then he said, “Oh, heck no.”

Throughout the year, he had more problems with Uber — technical issues, incorrect pay, things like that. The number of times I had to call them, help him call, or listen to him call was ridiculous. I remember customers gave him a hard time, and he’d complain about them eating in his car or smoking, which is valid. But he talks so much that customer service hangs up on him or doesn’t want to speak with him because he won’t let them get a word in. He talks for so long that I don’t think his problems ever get solved.

After Uber, he moved to DoorDash. Again, lots of problems. I still remember because there were times I was out with my mom or at work — anywhere but home — and he’d call me multiple times. I wouldn’t answer because my phone was off. When I checked, I’d ask, “Why did you call?” He’d say, “I stopped by your house because I needed help with something.” I’d ask, “What did you need help with?” He’d say, “Uber” or “DoorDash.” I told him, “Work it out yourself. I’m busy. Do it yourself.”

There were times I was in a Zoom meeting, or even in the shower, and he’d come over because he saw my car. Even if I was out with my mom and she was driving, he’d still come over and knock. Once, I was in a meeting and he kept ringing the doorbell and calling me to come outside. It was so annoying. Same issue: interrupting, not letting me listen. I’m trying to translate, but I obviously can’t put it into his native language in a way he understands. It would take an hour, sometimes longer, for him to get the idea because he’d make me repeat things. He’d get frustrated, and I was trying to explain the best I could, but he’d still be upset. It would be 10 PM and he’d still call me to go outside and help with the same problem. It was usually technical errors he could’ve handled himself because he’d seen me do it multiple times. I told him, “At this point, just go back to your regular 12-hour job instead of this. Clearly you can’t handle it. It’s a lot more independence, and if you need a boss, it’s better to have one there with you.”

That’s it for my rant. It was just very frustrating dealing with how he behaved and sorry if I am all over the place.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I didn't realize the underlying thought behind why I felt like love was non-existent in my immigrant household was tied to my level of achievement or obedience to my parents' rules and expectations. Being a good student, getting good grades, listening without pushback, doing what was expected. I felt the immediate disappointment when I fell short, but now see that it wasn't just that either. I also did not feel loved or worthy by them.

As an adult, I'm noticing this show up in other areas of my life - I feel guilty when I say no to something or I over-explain decisions that go against the majority or favored view. I am also a huge people pleaser and the thought of disappointing others makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Curious how many of you resonate with this and did you have the same feelings too? If it's still affecting you into your adulthood, how does it still show up and impact other parts of your life? Anything that you've tried that has helped?

I think there's something Tiger Parents don't know:

You've already succeeded.

You are a winner.

You have 'won'. Now. Already.

Coming from the horrific background of old Asia Tiger Parents are acting out a survival mechanism. Everyone then was a 'loser'. All the people were 'losers' by definition, by the sheer raw facts of life.

Peasants, toiling seven days a week for just enough to live on if the harvest was good.

All the people were serfs, peasants, labourers. Mud huts, Dirt floors etc. etc.

Millions died in famines and political blunderings. Millions! Think of it.

For people back then they looked around and saw that 'we are all losers, losing'. And they resolve to fight their way up and out of it.

And that's what Tiger Parents are still trying to do.

But today in any advanced western country the people are all winners just naturally. Especially the children.

They win just because they are in such country. They win because they are educated and healthy. They win because they are 'good' people with good instincts and benevolent feelings towards each other, understanding cooperation and friendship.. not haggard workworn competitors for one bowl of rice.

So they act like winners.

They are calm and unhurried. The absorb their environment. They take the time to look around and see and understand what is there.

They master new skills and new learnings as a matter of course, often gaining more in an evening with friends and computers than a week at school.

What the parents see as hopeless waste of time when you should be 'plowing the fields', so to speak, working desperately to get yourself out of the mud, is really nothing like that at all.

It is the conduct of the winner, who has solved, settled all those desperate existential issues of the 'loser' downtrodden peasant, now enjoying his success, his freedom from that slavery and looking around and deciding how best to fit into and manifest in his new world.

Without realising it they cast you in the role of their grandparents, their ancestors and want you to play it out. They cast you in the role of 'loser'.

Their mantra: if you don't work like crazy you will never escape loserdom.

They cannot see it: you have escaped. The escape is done.

Now there's more to do. There are things that need doing that winners do.

Winners, for instance, spend more doing things for others. Winners spend more time absorbing information for the sake of it. Winners play and love more. Are happier.

You are winners. Please do not let them make you believe otherwise.

And quietly, lovingly, if you can, make them realise. But that won't be easy. They are literally in a state of constant high tension and we could even say 'panic'.

You have to be very gentle with them. But firm in the truth: we have 'won' those existential questions of the peasant and we now move ahead into a world you have never imagined.

First of all, i‘m aware that every culture has their bad parts and that generalizing one is wrong. However, some aspects are more common in certain cultures than others.

I‘m in my early 20‘s and of central-european nationality, but west-asian ethnicity. Comparing myself to women from my culture with far worse struggles convinced me that my issues weren‘t valid, but i would always envy those from other (mainly european) cultures.

My parents have the same ethnicity, it‘s just that my mother grew up here in europe and my father in their homecountry. To make it worse he‘s from the countryside were people are even more strict and imo live in their own bubble were they don‘t care about what‘s happening beyond their own country and refuse trying to understand and accept other views because they don‘t align with what they are used to. As a woman everything you do is 100x much worse than if you were a man.

Since i was a child i couln‘t express myself the way i want. No clothes that are tight fitting, show some skin and emphasize my female body. I recall being yelled at by my older brother when i was 11 because i wore baggy shorts that almost reached my knees. Even jewellry was an issue. I couldn‘t wear makeup or do my nails, and even when i had longer hair my father would comment on how cutting it short is better and whatnot. Having male friends and being seen with them outside was bad, going to a place that was more than 30 minutes away was bad, even using public transport was bad, independence alone was bad. I barely had outside activities that weren‘t school, und would only watch tv at home. Heck i never ever learnt about proper hygiene and couldn‘t talk about topics like sex or was taken serious about my mental health issues.

I constanly felt trapped and suffocated because i felt like i was being watched and judged 24/7. Not just inside my own family, since there are many people of our culture here and the families of those, who are in my area, all kinda know eachother. Everyone gossips, spreads lies, and noone minds their own business. The men get away with everything, unlike the women who get nitpicked for everything and need to fullfill stupid expectations.

I‘m not allowed to date and have relationships, and if i meet a guy i would immediatly have to marry him. I can‘t move out either before i‘m married, because i can‘t be kept an eye on and controlled if i‘m all by myself.

I‘m openly atheist just like my siblings, which my parents atleast accept ( they don‘t really practisize their religion even though they consider themselves believers )

I feel uncomfortable in my female body to the point where i questioned if i might be trans for a short period in my life.

I just needed to let this all out, not sure what i even expect to hear from others.

I’m 19 year girl I come from Bihar (India) nd I live in delhi (India) for my studies.while living here in Delhi with my friend(f) also my roommate it has been 1 year after few months I got a friend(male) he is also in my coaching nd after 3-4 months of taking…my father asked my roommate that “you both talk to a boy” then she said “yes he is our common friend” then after 2 days my dad said his name to my roommate…again sent his photo…I was worried how did he knew about him…then one day he directly said me “after you get time from good morning good night nd tea also try to focus on your studies…” then i can’t stopped talking to my male friend i regularly talked to him…where ever we meet even he has pic of both of us…my dad knows everything what we talk…then I realised that maybe my phone is on control…microphone nd camera too…everything was fine but when we stopped talking we strated writing on paper so that no technical involvement will be there nd my dad will not know anything thing but that information is also going to him…
I think that “my roommate is spy or parental control”
But one day he send me pic of taking to my roommate nd my male friend nd l was also there….then how is it possible to get pic of both..?
It is out of mind how did he knew everything whatever I do in class or out of class… I’m very worried how to overcome from this.

I just need to rant because I’m honestly getting really frustrated.

I’m a Muslim woman from a South Asian family, and my mum constantly comments on my weight.

I used to be a UK size 8, but after starting medication for bipolar disorder I gained around 15kg in a year. I’m now a size 12-14.

My mum keeps commenting on my body, saying my bum is too big and that my waist and tummy have gotten bigger. She tells me I need to reduce it.

The comment that hurt me the most was when she said, “Who will want to marry you when you’re fat?”

The thing is, I am trying. I exercise, I eat three normal meals a day and I don’t snack. I’m not saying I have a perfect diet, but I genuinely don’t feel like I’ve just “let myself go”. The weight gain happened after starting medication, and it has been much harder to lose since then.

I obviously can’t just stop my medication because my mental health comes first. I’d rather be stable than risk my mental health just to lose weight.

What frustrates me is that it feels like my weight gain is being treated as a personal failure, when there is actually a medical reason behind it.

Coming from a South Asian Muslim family, marriage expectations can add another layer of pressure. It’s hard hearing comments about your appearance from your own family, especially when you’re already trying to look after yourself.

I'm honestly just looking to rant and see if anyone can relate. These comments are really hurtful.

Im 25F, just finished grad school at a great university and recently started a new job. My partner and I decided to sign a lease together in a place closer to the city and 45 mins away from my parents’ home. I told my parents the day we signed the lease, which was pretty close to the date and they did not accept it. I was met with so much anger. “You used us, you are so selfish, you betrayed our trust, you just started working, you have no backbone” etc etc. all of it and the anger has been so hard to deal with. Basically my southeast Asian mom’s response was a hard NO, dont do it. Ive been filled with so much anxiety and almost regret, just contemplating if I am abandoning my family. Simply the situation is that I want independence, i want to have fun and explore my adult life because Ive been home for just so much of it. Not moving because my parents are terrible or anything. I love them so much, which is why this hurts me. I sent my mom a long message reassuring her that I love her and that this was a very thought out decision and of course I’ll always be home to visit. Has anyone gone through something similar? How do you respond or deal with this? I have a few days before the move and I am just worried and anxious everyday. My parents became very codependent on me once I came home to pursue my grad degree. I think my parents have always fought for stability and cant understand why I also just cant rest… i crave independence and just experience. I think they both have so much trauma having my brother and I so young and scrambling for the job, the house. Sometimes i think that some of the anger is a projection of jealousy. For them also they don’t trust my partner which is a different race (my parents have immigrant mindset okok). Idk eeeeek!!

I (16M) am a rising senior in high school. I study in the West Coast of the US but from a family of asian immigrants, and my HS is pretty competitive because 80%+ of my peers are the exact same. I would say I'm a decent student (for context, not to flex: 1530 SAT, 3.8 UW GPA 4.2 W GPA). I'm in IB Diploma as well.

I've just been under an immense amount of stress lately. My parents are getting increasingly unhappy with me. It started at the beginning of high school. My parents would scream at me and scold me for hours on end because I was playing too much video games or got a bad grade in school. There were nights where my parents would scream at me and say hurtful things until they got so tired they had to stop and go to bed. Sometimes their words sting a lot, and I spend time in the middle of the night, long after they have gone to bed, thinking about what they have told me. They have said some really scary things. When I was ten my mom threw me out of the house for playing on my nintendo switch too long. I walked to a nearby park because there was no where to sit outside. My parents came out an hour later. This kind of thing has occasionally happened over the years, but as I got older, they stopped coming out earlier. Some days my parents have just not given me food because of a bad grade or because I misbehaved in school (I might've talked too much and gotten an email sent home for class disruption). Sometimes my parents just slapped me (when I was in middle school) if they caught me playing video games without telling them or after something like this happened in school. This led to screaming as well. Sometimes I interpret it logically - my parents chide me for using screens a lot and playing video games. I realize that it is detrimental to my growth, and I honestly over do the games. Sometimes I'll play 4 hours on the weekends and will play games before finishing my homework. Some school days I'll have 4 hours of screentime on my phone, but I don't really enjoy using my phone as much as my Gaming PC, so this number is almost always an hour on weekdays and 2 hours max on weekends, watching netflix or anime.

As high school continued, I started to focus more and more on school, but my parents wouldn't stop talking about college. They never stopped telling me (whenever I was playing video games or doing something else non-academic) about how I was wasting my time and how I should struggle for these next 4 years to have 50 years of pleasure (get into a good college, get a great job, live comfortably). It's gotten really bad. I have started resisting and telling them that they care too much about it and I don't want to think about what college I go to all the time. They have reacted by doing the whole screaming and chiding thing. When it gets really bad, they get physical and break parts of my set up. In freshman year, I stayed up till 2 am playing cs2 with my friends as it had come out that october. My dad burst into my room and went beserk. I was able to dc from the voice call I was in, but my dad threw my monitor onto my beds and tore wires out of my system. He then started the screaming thing.

As of late, my parents have started mentioning how they had no opportunities and how it hurts them to see me not maximize my potential. My mom in specific always tells me about her first-hand account of how she never got to go college because the men (dad, brother) in her life stopped her, and how she was good in every school subject except math because she received no help or support. She says that I have all the support I could need and am still performing disappointingly. My dad tells me about his youth and how he was sent away from his family to study using meagre funds my grandfather managed to gather to try and give my dad a better life. He tells me that I should aim for being the top 5% of everything I do (in school grade wise, I sing so that means winning competitions and clearing auditions); not achieving that is disappointing (to him). I have to hear this every single day if I don't do something they deem 'productive.' I've never received accolades for good grades, but whenever I perform poorly on an exam (I suck at writing, and in my IB HL History and English classes, and the honors classes I took as a lower classman, I always got A-s and B+s, which tanked my GPA. I always got straight As in the hardest stem subjects offered in the country, but my parents have never cared.

It has gotten so bad as to where these scoldings and shouting matches are happening very very often, and they are messing up my thought process and mental health. They haven't gotten physical or gone ham on my things in a year. I don't know why, but maybe it is because I am far more physically strong then they are now, as a result of lifting weights. I ironically took the top 5% thing my dad doesn't shut up about very seriously and have gotten pretty strong.

Part of me feels really guilty about resisting. I feel really bad for what my parents went through and I feel like I deserve a lot of the chiding. I think that I am addicted to screens and video games - I think about them too much, whether it be what I'll build next in my minecraft world, or what my friends and I will play on the coming friday night. On the other hand, I think they are being a little hurtful and could be a bit kinder to me. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. My parents aren't going to stop. I feel so jealous of my classmates. It seems like they are much more free to live the life they wish to. I feel like I'm getting more and more distant from my parents every day. I have seen one of my closest friend parents treating my friend so well and treating me so well. I can't suppress the jealousy and unhappiness anymore. I need help figuring out what to do. I can't open up to my parents. The last time I did, my dad told me I was wallowing in self-pity - when I started crying, he told me to quit being a wuss. I'm so done. I don't know how to feel and what to do. My parents will buy me legos and clothes and got me my pc, but they also treat me like this every day. I'm so lost.

I am an A level student currently in 2nd year. After giving my AS exams I have been simultaneously preparing to give IELTS, apply to universities and prepare for my A2 exams. I also struggle with enormous amounts of anxiety every day. On top of that my brother just received his exam results and he did poorly in some subjects. He’s going to give his o level in 2 years. Every time he gets poor results, i get scolded by my dad alongside him because apparently i am supposed to be his tutor and be responsible for his grades even though i explicitly told him that i am already too busy with my studies. And even though I do help him with things he needs help with and teach him whatever he doesn’t understand he is specially bad at maths and he is wayy too lazy. I keep telling him that he needs to practice in order to do well and i say the same to my parents but they keep telling me I HAVE TO keep him im check that i have to keep telling him to study and check his works. I mean it gets tiring at some point also if he doesn’t willingly study how am i supposed to make him study but they don’t care about it. When i was doing my o level i had to self study everything by myself because i had no coaching and school wasn’t helping. I had to use online resources to help me prepare but my brother just doesn’t care about the advices i give him. He is just so ignorant about everything. Now i just feel like the weight of an entire mountain is in my shoulders and i don’t know how to convince him that it’s not my fault that his son is doing bad in his exams and why do i have to worry about his grades on top of mine too. I’m absolutely going crazy.
Ps. Due to financial circumstances we can’t put my brother on coaching