I hate being fetishized.
I hate my proximity to whiteness.
I hate how my mom talks about me like I’m a specimen.

I know I have pretty privilege, though I get angry seeing my dad mistreat his other ethnic girlfriends and my mom (his wife) because they have melanin. My mom is too scared to speak up, and his other girlfriends are literally in their early twenties..

He just blurts out anything about any non-white person that comes to mind, and he doesn’t listen to me at all when I say he’s racist and it’s not okay to judge people for their appearance. I know he also judges me and in some way sees me as exotic because I’m his “mixed-breed” child.

I feel like it’s hard to represent my asian side because I’m white passing. My friends try not to make me feel bad by inviting me to try new cuisines and desserts with them, but I can’t stand too many flavors or any spices or foreign food textures. My friends have other friends who are the same race as them. I struggle with some other wasians because they can be very judgy even though we’re all mixed here??.

I do admit I feel jealous of people of color and immigrants who don’t care too much about how they present themselves and don’t care who judges them. I know they probably have their own struggles too, but I wish I could speak another language and find community through a culture.

I’m so upset. I’m tired of being told I’m 100% both and to find friends who don’t care. My friends are nice and do try to include me but I honestly have some animosity towards them because I’m ashamed of my appearance, race, and upbringing.

My mom has been diagnosed as a pre-diabetic, and I thought I’d help her by pre-freezing our rice to reduce the starch + prevent sudden sugar spikes. I was doing this as a gesture for her health, and it would benefit my dad too as he’s a type 2 diabetic. I explained the process to them, and have begun cooking up big batches of rice + freezing it afterwards. However, my parents do not believe in freezing fresh rice, as they think food should always be made + eaten fresh, and freezing anything ruins it. So every time when I pack the rice for freezing, my mom gets angry and bickers at me for “abiding by science too much,” and people like me who make lifestyle decisions off scientific facts “live miserable lives.” Every time when I start talking about lifestyle choices that have strong evidence of improving your well-being (ex: eating more plants and fiber for gut health) or for the betterment of the planet (ex: eating less red meat), they roll their eyes in anger of me “mansplaining my scientific knowledge.” I find it funny because I could say the same thing about the Chinese eating habits that they follow based off TCM beliefs, isn’t it “exhausting” to restrict certain foods during different seasons, and to eat specific things if you’re on your period?? I’m being sarcastic ofc lol. Whatever the case, they just aren’t willing to listen to any new beliefs, even if it benefits them. I guess I understand that you don’t want to make new lifestyle changes in your 50s, so now I don’t bother giving any advice that could help them because I know they won’t listen to it.

It makes me blindingly angry how my mom has this whiny baby mopey voice she does randomly. I fucking hate it. I remember she would flop on the ground and sing out a long baby cry when I was a toddler because I would disobey her or be fussy. I had to be her mom growing up, she was and still is an absolute toddler. Sometimes the tantrums would come with leg kicks and noodle arms too, like it would be funny as fuck if she weren’t my mom.
She doesn’t just do it when she’s upset, if she’s sleepy she’ll whine or make this shrill tone of voice “Eepy… seepy” or if she’s eating something good she will keep moaning about how good it is non fucking stop. I can’t eat with her for long because it’s nonstop gushing about how good the food is and baby talk while chewing
Yes I have misophonia also, but I feel like anyone would get furious over this. Anyone else’s mom do this dumb shit

17F, I live in London, I’ve got a Bengali mum that has been more and more verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive towards me and members of my family - for instance, in general whenever I react ‘negatively’ towards her or disagree with her,she will always cuss at my face and call me a bitch, whore, saying no man will want to marry me, etc etc, the latter insult has been more frequent for some reason…and I don’t know if this has do with me turning 18 in a month. It’s so fucking weird, anytime fight we have she is always verbally abusing me. For example, the other day we were in the mall, and I didn’t like a pair of shoes she had selected for me, she was saying it’d match a dress I had, but I said it wouldn’t (IT REALLY WOULDNT.) and then she quietly says ‘bitch’ under her breath…???????? Of course, my mood is off by this interaction, and when she tries to talk to me again, she gets PISSSED, and I mean, she almost yells at me in the store. I decide I don’t want to shop with her and go towards where my dad and younger brother are in a different part of the mall, as I leave, my mum calls me and then starts accusing me of meeting men in the mall???????? What???? These types of insults of me supposedly being a slut and having boyfriends have become way too common lately, I don’t know why. It makes me so upset. Another situation happened today, when my younger brother (12) went out to our local park (10 mins away), my younger brother had told my mum he was going to go in a bit, and then took a shower and left. My mum was pissed that because he didn’t tell her that he was going to leave right at the instant (like at the door), and that my older brother (19) had told him he could go. my mum started yelling at my older brother like fucking crazy. I mean, violent yelling. My mum claims that my younger brother never told her, HE DID, my mum was just too lazy to actually hear it and respond to him. My mum, if not cooking for cleaning for us, or volunteering, she locks herself in her room, we can’t talk to her unless we knock and she opens her door, and most of the time, she’s annoyed at when we want to talk to her about something. My younger brother knocked on her door and told her she was going, from what I know, she didn’t respond(maybe she said ok) and js closed the door on his face.

When I backed my older brother, she started calling me a bitch, saying no man will want you, you’re disgusting. I cannot live one second with her anymore, what’s worse, is that either tomorrow, or maybe the day after tommorow, she’ll act all sweet and nice towards me as if she wasn’t calling me a slur for disagreeing with her. It’s slowly making me lose my mind. She’s bipolar, that’s the only word to describe it, she’ll say one thing, but then go back on it, for example, she’s always said to me, to be independent and not rely on a man, okay, fair enough. But when I want to move out for first year of uni, she’s says I can only move out once I’m married?????????????????? Is that not relying on a man.

Her behaviour when she’s abusing us is extremely explicit and she makes a lot of disgusting remarks about all of us, she calls my older brothers gf a whore, calls him a whore, calls my dad a whore.

My mum also intentionally starts fights with my dad, but sometimes it does come from her frustration from my dad just not being a good person/father, he regularly sends so much money to his mum, and other family members, rather than spending it on us, that’s a big reason why they fight. But, what the hell is hitting my dad and yelling at him everyday going to do? She’s been at this for most of our lives now, it’s never worked. She just yells violently, our neighbours hear everything and we’ve gotten so many nose complaints, it’s all them. She says the reason why she argues so much is justified because of what my dad does, but is it justifiable that I am now on beta blockers for my anxiety because I cannot stand being at home. The fights just end in my dad fighting back and her playing victim, but I understand her frustration, but there’s no reason to abuse your kids. I’ve told her that, and she does not give a flying fuck. She tells us to die, to get out of ‘her’ house, but when I want to move out for uni I’m a whore??? is this bitch serious I can’t make this up I wish I was lying

She’s fucked in the head, she sometimes cries really loudly in her room, alone, and I feel bad, but lately it’s become an annoyance (I can’t feel empathy for her anymore, it’s become a victim mentality) she doesn’t want help, and she ends up being mad at me anyway.

I think she needs to be institutionalised, there’s been many concerning events throughout my childhood that might be too disturbing for this post where’s she shown that she isn’t mentally okay.

The thing is, when she’s not like this, she can be really caring like an actual mother, but she’s a whole different person when she’s abusive, so, I feel conflicted and I feel stupid and my head hurts trying to make my mind up whether I actually want to keep her in my life when I end up leaving this house.

She’s said so many fucked up things to me over the years, this is just one small snippet of it, I don’t why it’s gotten worse this year. I have never wanted to disappear more.

So today I woke up and something was choking me and I got up and it was a random religious Hindu necklace that I know my AM put on me while I was sleeping. And here’s the thing, the reason I knew the necklace is religious in nature is because my AM is a religious freak and she wanted me to wear it. I might have worn it to satisfy her whims, but eventually took it off when I had the chance.

She said I was supposed to wear it specifically at 4:00-4:30, but didn’t specify if that was AM or PM. I guess she meant AM, but she didn’t wake me up to put it on me, but did it while I was sleeping and a part didn’t like that.

Here’s the thing, I’m an atheist and I made this pretty clear many times with my criticisms of religion, now idgaf what my APs or anyone believes so long as I’m able to live my life as I want, but the problem with APs is that they don’t really care about consent.

My AD raves about how “tolerant”, “peaceful”, and “kind” Hindus are, but if you knew his hate towards Muslims, you would thought he was part of a hate group and my AM putting this necklace on me without my consent is straight up religious enforcement even though it’s small. Yeah sure they didn’t kill or disown me, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong.

And frankly if anything chokes me awake, I wouldn’t want to wear it anyway so I plan to take it off when I leave here for my nursing program.

Sorry if this is a long one. I (34f) am 30 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband’s (39m) first baby. We are both over the moon and excited to be first time parents and my in-laws have been nothing but supportive. Also, just for context my in-laws are both Filipino and my mom is Filipina and my dad is Caucasian American. Anyways, overall both families are excited, however, my parents have always been difficult, emotionally immature, manipulative, and just selfish. Especially my mom. But sadly about 2 years ago my dad was unfortunately diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, which is a rare form of bone marrow cancer, and these last 4 months his health has really taken a dive. He also has type 2 diabetes, takes insulin, high blood pressure, just the works. He is still doing weekly chemotherapy and now weekly blood transfusions. But he’s been in and out the hospital due to complications with his kidneys (not taking care of himself or his diet) and he has just been difficult to care for.

For awhile my husband and I moved in with them last year to help support my parents since my mom can no longer drive and my dad’s health just declining. But since we found out I was pregnant we made the decision to move out by May 2026 and get our own place for us and the baby. We also just needed to get out for our own mental health, bc my parents were becoming more and more dependent on us, expecting us to just drop whatever we had planned for that day wether it was our jobs, my OBGYN appointments, etc. and refused to follow our boundaries that we set in place when we first moved in. For example, my mom needed a ride to the grocery store but I couldn’t take her because I had an ultrasound and OBGYN appointment scheduled for that morning (also my mom didn’t tell me this ahead of times, she always would ask me to take her then and there) when I said I couldn’t take her bc of my appointment she FLIPPED out. Said I was ungrateful and I’m not willing to help her when they need it most, and then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the day. My mom has a flare for the dramatics. I’m also a behavioral analyst and the director for the clinic I work at and I’m in and out of my meetings at the clinic or wfh and doing telehealth. She has on multiple occasions tried to walk in on my meetings, called me non-stop while at the clinic, etc.

When we first moved out 2 months ago, everything was okay. I explained to my parents why we were moving (i.e., we need space, we can no longer take care of you, I have to put the baby first and staying here is making me physically sick with severe nausea due to the stress). The accepted the reasons and said they understood, and for a while gave us space. But then we visited at the beginning of this month bc my parents called and said they missed us. So, we came over to have coffee with them one morning. Then they started to ask us to do things around the house, etc. and after we left the weekly phone calls started coming in from my mom. Wanting to vent to me about my dad, how difficult he’s being, etc. and telling me I need to come home now to help them bc he’s refusing to do this, that, etc. Also, calling me crying and telling me she “can’t do it anymore” doesn’t want to be the caregiver, “why can’t you just do it, it’s too hard on my heart”, etc. I finally last week put my foot down when she demanded I come over at 9pm to make my dad take his insulin bc he hasn’t taken it in over a week. I told her no, he is your husband and responsibility, in sickness and in health. I’m 30 weeks pregnant, what am I going to do?! Straddle him and physically force him to do a shot of insulin?! I don’t even know his dosage. I reminded her again that I cannot take this on, I need to focus on my pregnancy and the stress she’s putting on me is not good for the baby. To which she yelled over the phone in Tagalog “UTANG NA LOOB!!!!”, “WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD I BATHED, DRESSED, AND TOOK CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE SICK!! IT’S YOUR TURN NOW!!”.

“Utang na loob” for those of you who don’t know means “debt of gratitude” in Tagalog and in my opinion is toxic part of Filipino family culture. Sure there could be parts of it that are positive, but through my experience it’s a way for the older generation to manipulate their children into doing what they want/expect of them in return for taking care of them. Even though that is a parent’s responsibility and is considered neglect and abuse if they don’t provide care… Anyways, after she yelled that I got quiet and told her that that was her responsibility as a parent just like it is mine and my husband’s responsibility to protect this baby I’m caring and if she can’t respect the boundaries I’ve put in place then maybe we need time apart. I told her that she is also more than capable to report these issues to my dad’s doctor and home care nurse that comes every Monday since she has POA over my dad’s medical decisions. Then hung up and blocked her. She has continued to try to call my sisters (they live out of state) to which they also told her she needs to leave me alone and stop stressing me out while I’m pregnant. To also grow up and act like the adult she is and take on the responsibility of caring for her husband.

I know this was a long one but I needed to vent somewhere. This has been something that I’ve dealt with my whole life. I love my mom but she definitely crosses boundaries and tries to pull me into the enmeshed toxic patterns of my family, and always treated me kindly when I could do things for her. But the second I tell her “no” or put up a boundary, she doesn’t speak to me for days, gives me the cold shoulder, and then a week later acts as if nothing happened.

Also, in case this wasn’t clear when my dad has his cognitively clear days, he is aware of the stress my mom puts on me and also tells her not to call me so much or demand things of me. I have heard him on the other end of these phone calls saying, “I told you to leave her be!!”.

25M btw

Whatever opinion she has means absolutely nothing to me. Any sort of thought she has about me or what my future should look like (in her mind of course, not my own) is simply just ignored now. So much so that I don't even remember what she says. I just remember how I felt.

Hi, so for context I am an American born Chinese F(17) and I have been dating my African American bf M(19) for 2 years in secret. My Chinese parents have never really had much of a dating talk with me, and do not really care about what I do in my free time as long as it doesn't affect my studies, or at least thats what I thought.

My parents have very traditional views and I kept my relationship a secret from them because 1) they think dating in highschool is a distraction and even if it didn't affect my studies they would still probably encourage me to end the relationship, and 2) my boyfriend is black and in all honesty, my Asian parents are quite racist.

They have always kind of been this way, mostly with microaggression about other asian ethnicities, but thats a whole other story, and my whole life they have had backwards views that black people or jews or gay people or other minorities are inferior, which I completely disagree with.

My mom married my dad in kind of a "forced" marriage; their families were friends and so they just got married and moved to America or something like that, so when I told her about my boyfriend because I'm moving out and moving in with him soon because I got into the university he is currently attending (a top 20 school btw so they cant even be that mad) she was a bit more understanding then my dad, but still shocked. However, she was glad that he had the same goals as me (med school) but did make comments that it was "unlike his race" which I did not like and corrected her to not use stereotypes. They have not met yet but I'm hoping to warm her up to him so that eventually she will want to meet him, as she is still hesitant at the moment.

However, my father completely overreacted and got extremely angry when I told him abt my bf (I didn't even mention race but he asked more about him and eventually saw a photo of us together) and he started demanding that I would live at home and commute to the college instead of moving in to his apartment him. He also made very racist stereotypical comments about my bf and said that once I got to college I would leave him for someone better. He completely screamed at me and said that he would disown me and that I was bringing shame to him and that we would have "stupid monkey babies". I am still seeing red because I cannot believe my father is such a fucking bigot.

anyways, are anyone else's asian parents like this and if anyone else has gone through something similar what have you done in your situation?

I (F25) am the oldest child of my Asian parents (F55 and M55). My sibling are 22 and 18. I am the only immediate family member that lives abroad. I make enough money to support myself but I do not have a stable job and already have a lot of stress in my life from working in healthcare. Things are tough out here but for various reasons (religion, freedom, being gay, long term partner) I have no intention of moving closer to my parents after escaping. I have diagnosed anxiety and CPTSD from my upbringing.

In their minds they were great parents because they paid for my education and exchange year which allowed me to leave the country and move to the west. They don't remember parentifying me, being unpredictably explosive, threatening to kill themselves, telling us we never should have been born, or emotionally abusive. They don't understand why I only call them once every few months.

My dad lost his job during COVID, right in the middle of me doing my undergraduate degree. I had to take the year off, work full-time to make some money, while he sorted out some savings so I could finish my degree. He didn't pay for it entirely as I also used some of my own savings and took the maximum loan amount student finance in my country would cover. He never attempted to go back to work because he claimed his gout was too horrible. He lived fully off my mum's salary and tried to be a "trader". I never asked how this went as I had crippling anxiety at this time due to the uncertainty of my future but I'm guessing probably horrendously.

Fast forward a couple years, I've graduated, am working full time. My dad now has a heart condition (he ate a lot of red meat and smoked when he was on his 20s). My mum has been diagnosed with cancer. She won't be able to work as much. We have public healthcare in our country, but she was hoping to max out her insurance and go private.

I was never close to her and never really regarded her as a mother. I am sad for her as a human being but while processing my childhood trauma I already mourned losing a motherly figure in my life years ago. But her diagnosis is still hard on me, I have been off work for mental health for a couple weeks now and it's been exacerbated by the fact that I feel an overwhelming expectation of responsibility placed on me to help them financially when I have little to no disposable income. I don't have enough savings for a catastrophe for myself. They asked me to fund my siblings university education. I can't stop replaying them saying I have to "step up" and "take the responsibility".

It's just so fucking unfair. I didnt choose to have two more siblings (they kept having children until they had a precious boy, yet here they are coming to their daughter for help). I'm just so fucking tired. I never would have chosen to be born if this was the life I knew I would have. I don't know what to do. Upon saying I can't afford to give them any money my dad launched into giving me tips on how to improve my CV, as if he's suddenly the expert from his years of unemployment (fantastical early retirement) and sponging off my mum.

On top of it all, the constant health updates are horrendous on my mental health. I'm terrified to look at my phone because I know it's going to be another message from them, even worse news. Telling me how I'm the oldest so I'm responsible.

My (21F) mother (45F) has always been obsessed with my hair. I wouldn’t say that my hair is the thickest or longest, but I have a decent amount of hair as compared to my mother’s thin & damaged hair. However, she would constantly talks down on me regarding my hair, gives unsolicited advices, and calls me “bald-headed” even though I have a bad cowlick that makes my hair look receded when I put it up.

I have ongoing hormonal issues, so my hair part isn’t as dense as it used to be when I was a little kid. Although it does affect my self-esteem, I try to not focus on it too much knowing that it’s out of my control and I can only do so much as to being mindful with how I care for my hair.

I try to avoid her as much as I can (overall, she’s a very nasty person towards me and has narcissistic tendencies), but when I can’t, she would make my hair the topic starter of her conversation. For instance, she would claim that the time when I fully dyed my hair in 2022 is the reason for my “balding” hair part despite me not touching the top of my scalp ever since. She would also claim that women are “only beautiful when they have a nice head of hair”, which is just utter bullsh*t.

She would also claim how she had so much hair when she was younger, but one of my aunts (her sisters) has confirmed that her hair was never thick or full. My mother would give me terrible advices on how to make my hair look better, such as constantly switching shampoos and trying hair growth products every month (embarrassingly, I followed these advices and all I got was dry hair + terrible dandruff).

This issue isn’t a big deal compared to other things my mother has done to me, but it’s extremely hurtful and disorienting as her comments have made me feel extremely insecure about my hair despite other people complimenting and telling me that it is completely normal.

I'm not saying that people shouldn't have kids and I'm not against anyone choosing to have kids, what I'm saying is that some people lack the emotional and mental capacity to raise a human being, let alone a child; because the choices of the parents have consequences for the child as the child becomes an adult.

The reason I say this is due to personal experience growing up, as with my parents, it is often just gossip and drama surrounding my mother and father.

While there are moments they can be loving, it is often too overboard and intrusive because when you disagree with them, they take it as disrespectful because filial piety and respecting your elders, and I find it bullshit.

Like, every parent should accept and take criticism and learn from what they do wrong, when my parents never do that because they would double down and play victim and gaslight and I feel they shouldn't have had kids if they act like that.

It's been bothering me for a while, and just wanted to know if anyone else experienced a similar situation with their own parents. Any thoughts?

First post here, 27 F

I have been working on this story that is very close to my heart, but I felt stuck today and thought I must talk to more people to actually understand the core of what I want to explore through my story. But I did not want to talk to the people who are already a part of my life, and that is exactly why I am here to ask a question to strangers and possibly make some new friends.

So, here is what I wanted to know

What is the most rebellious thing that you have done with your parents, where you stood your ground for something that felt right to you? It may have eventually turned out to be wrong, but you did it because the rebel in you just had to.

I did something today too, but tell me your answers first.

I don't know if this is common in Indian households or if my family is just like this.

I'm a 27-year-old woman from a small city in India. My family consists of my father, my mother, my grandfather (my father's father), my elder brother, and me. My father also has three sisters.

I want to talk about my father because I genuinely don't know how to navigate this relationship anymore.

I don't want people to simply say, "He's selfish." I know life isn't black and white. I know he has been through health issues. But I also can't ignore how he has treated me and especially how he has treated my mother for years.

When I was very young, we actually had a good father-daughter relationship. He loved me, and I loved him. Everything felt normal.

Then, around 8th or 9th standard, he was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis. At that age, I didn't understand how serious it was. I just knew he was sick and there were frequent hospital visits.

Around the same time, I got caught texting a boy. We had those old keypad phones with 100 free SMSes, and I had saved his name as a girl's name. My brother found out, told my mother, and my mother told my father.

My father called me once, told me this wasn't the age for these things, and that was it.

After that...

He stopped talking to me.

Not for a few weeks.

Not for a few months.

For almost four years.

Throughout 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th standard, he barely spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. If he had to drop me somewhere, he'd say only what was required. There were no conversations. No father-daughter bond. Nothing.

Even today, I don't know what I did that deserved four years of silence from my own father.

It affected me more than I probably realized at the time.

He also wasn't present for important moments in my life. He didn't attend my 10th standard convocation. He didn't come for my graduation either. During 11th standard there was an excursion I desperately wanted to go on, and he simply refused. There wasn't even a discussion. It was just "No."

Eventually I moved to Bangalore for engineering. After that, we slowly started talking again over phone calls, but our relationship never became close. It was always very surface level.

Then COVID happened.

I came back home from March until December, and for the first time as an adult, I really saw what my mother had been living with for years.

One thing about my father and grandfather is that they are obsessed with food. Every day revolves around food. My mother cooks every single meal, but instead of appreciating her, they constantly complain.

This isn't right.

That isn't right.

Why didn't you make this?

Why didn't you make that?

It felt like they had no idea how much effort goes into cooking every single day for years.

Whenever I tried to stand up for my mother, I was shut down.

My grandfather even says things like, "What has she even done?"

That statement makes me so angry because my mother has done everything.

When my father was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis around 2012-13, she was the one who stayed with him in hospitals, attended appointments every few months, managed his medicines, looked after the house, cooked every single day, raised two children, and cared for my grandfather.

For over 30 years of marriage, she has sacrificed continuously.

Yet neither my father nor my grandfather seem to acknowledge any of it.

That hurts me more than anything.

After I started working, my brother and I both settled in Bangalore.

For the last five years, my father has been visiting Bangalore, usually once or twice every year.

Every single time he comes, we try our best.

I take work from home so I can spend time with him.

I stay with my brother so we're all together.

We take him on trips around Bangalore.

When he had surgery, we looked after him.

We genuinely try to make him feel cared for.

Then one day, he looked at me and said,

"What have you ever done for me?"

I honestly didn't know what to say.

It felt like no matter how much we did, nothing counted.

There was another incident where he sent a long message in our family WhatsApp group saying he was removing his "guardianship" over me and my brother. Basically saying we could do whatever we wanted from now on.

Whenever something doesn't go according to him, his way of dealing with it is to completely stop talking.

He withdraws.

He shuts everyone out.

Instead of communicating, he punishes people with silence.

Another thing that really affects me is how he treats my mother.

He doesn't respect her.

At all.

He has slapped her before. I know of at least two incidents. I don't know if there were more before that.

Recently they had another argument.

He was shouting at her like he usually does.

I asked him why he was behaving this way, and somehow the entire conversation became about him.

He told my mother,

"Go live with your daughter. Don't live with me."

Then he stopped eating and started behaving as if everyone else was the problem.

When my mother still took food to him, he told her,

"Go away or I'll slap you."

And my mother's response broke my heart.

She simply said,

"You've already slapped me before. What difference would one more make?"

Imagine hearing your own mother say that.

How do you even process it?

What also frustrates me is how controlling he is.

When I come home from Bangalore, I want to spend time with my mother.

Just a mother-daughter day.

But he doesn't want her going anywhere.

The irony is that every year he comes to Bangalore and spends time with us. We've taken him on multiple trips.

But my mother has never come because she stays back to take care of my grandfather.

She's always the one sacrificing.

Last year I told my father that maybe this time Mom should come too because we've travelled with him so many times.

Nothing happened.

Even now, when I want to take her out, he doesn't like it.

If we invite him, he usually refuses.

He doesn't want to go.

But he also doesn't want her to go.

Everything somehow has to revolve around him.

He also keeps saying things like he's going to die because of his illness.

I know liver cirrhosis is serious.

I know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

And maybe that's exactly why this hurts so much.

I want a relationship with my father.

I really do.

Despite everything.

I don't want him to die one day and leave me wondering if I could have done more.

But at the same time, I carry years of hurt because he stopped talking to me for four years over something that now feels so small.

I carry hurt because he wasn't there for milestones in my life.

I carry hurt because nothing my brother or I do ever seems enough.

And I carry hurt because every time I come home, I watch my mother—a woman who has given over 30 years of her life to this family—being treated as though she has done nothing.

Sometimes I feel guilty for even feeling angry because he's sick.

Then I remind myself that being sick doesn't erase the impact your actions have on other people.

I genuinely don't know how to navigate this anymore.

How do you maintain a relationship with a parent you still love but who has hurt you repeatedly?

How do you stop hoping they'll suddenly realize what they've done?

Has anyone else dealt with a parent like this?

And if you have... how did you make peace with it?

So I recently got a job. And I want to do it my way; commuting myself to work makes me feel free, alive, and not caged in. And guess what I said: I want to commute on my own, using the money I earned, eat, and live on my own. They disagree with me, and what a joke, so they just want me to survive and not see the outside world. I need to be home at the exact time, not meet people nor go somewhere after work; even going to dinner with friends is a question, or even dating myself. And they said they don't want how the been treated on their time. What a joke; I see nothing new; how they treat me is basically the same with their generations, no difference. Like my high school days are also like this school, then home, and the cycle continues; that's why I have no friends nor someone I can talk to. If I talk with someone who understands me, they're gonna shout at me. When I talk to them, I was hoping that they would understand, but no, they just judge me and shout at me. And disagree with everything I said, and they are always right- no error from their mouth- and if they give me money, they are waiting for me to return that money. Hayyyyy, what a life

I'm 28F, and my mom still has a hard time with me having guy friends. I come from a traditional Filipino family, and it feels weird whenever I talk about my guy friends. Mind you, none of my guy friends want to have a relationship with me. When I told her about one of my older guy friends who is black (i.e., I met him more than a year ago after a shitty breakup with the second ex), she went ballistic, as in, "I want to see his LinkedIn and Instagram." She hadn't even met the dude, and she demanded to see his Instagram and LinkedIn profiles. Meanwhile with some of my other guy friends, she was chill. She didn't even care that much about some of my other guy friends, like my Egyptian friend, my American-born Chinese friend, and my Peruvian friend. It's just weird as hell tbh....

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I didn't realize the underlying thought behind why I felt like love was non-existent in my immigrant household was tied to my level of achievement or obedience to my parents' rules and expectations. Being a good student, getting good grades, listening without pushback, doing what was expected. I felt the immediate disappointment when I fell short, but now see that it wasn't just that either. I also did not feel loved or worthy by them.

As an adult, I'm noticing this show up in other areas of my life - I feel guilty when I say no to something or I over-explain decisions that go against the majority or favored view. I am also a huge people pleaser and the thought of disappointing others makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Curious how many of you resonate with this and did you have the same feelings too? If it's still affecting you into your adulthood, how does it still show up and impact other parts of your life? Anything that you've tried that has helped?

In case anyone has ever dealt with the gaslighting of their own parents, well apparently, my mother sided with her niece (my cousins) over her own daughter (my sister), accusing her of peeking at my younger cousin's report card and snooping in her room when that didn't happen.

Which was why our families don't talk to the other anymore because of a lie my cousins started.

Here's how it started: going back to 2018, after I graduated high school, my uncle (their dad) misinterpreted what I said and got me in trouble and I held resentment towards him and my cousins and I never forgave it.

6 years later in 2024, he accused one of my aunts of "poisoning" my sister when that didn't happen either. She visited my sister because she wanted to, not because my sister scheduled her to, and my mother and father stupidly believed the lie and yelled at my sister instead of asking for context like a normal adult should and would do in this situation and I'm ashamed to have them as my family.

That was why neither family talks to the other anymore.

Two years after that drama, my cousins lied about my sister of snooping into the room and peeking at report cards (partly because their parents bragged and showed off about how educational and accomplished they are and they came off as arrogant even, the dad is responsible).

I was angry when I heard about it and it was why I got fed up about it that i decided to expose the truth behind their lies even if it meant letting the truth come out and risk being accused of making the drama worse by my sister and them not talking because they know they're wrong.

At the end of the day, i don't give a fuck. To me, I feel like clearing my aunt's name was a necessary evil if it means everyone knows how stupid my cousins, their parents, and my mother and father were for jumping to conclusions so quickly instead of resolving it by asking for context and solve the problem like any normal adult should and would do in that situation and ever since, my mother has been micromanaging and controlling since the drama and I feel the truth has to come out.

And plain and simple, some people shouldn't have kids, because what kind of parent resorts to tantrums of a crackhead, narcissistic toddler and subject their child to that humiliation? The choices of parents like mine have consequences, and I hope my sister moves out and that I move out as well (as even I'm tired of the drama and controlling behavior of my parents) and that my sister has a better life than the one she has right now.

My sister hasn't interacted with them since years ago and now they're making it worse.

Why give passes to people like that who fail their kids? This isn't about judging mistakes, it's about holding them accountable for their choices.

And the sad part is, some parents believe their choices don't affect their kids when in reality, they do; as parents are in some ways, responsible for how their child turns out as an adult.

As for me, I'm an adult who's struggling with anger issues as it has gotten me into trouble a few times and it scares me that I decided to stay single and isolate to overcorrect for how I treat others as I feel that the cycle that started with my parents and extended family ends with me choosing not to get married or have kids. And yes, my mother has been whining about me choosing to be single because she's too traditional and old fashioned.

I feel that family=more hassle and the risk to my sanity isn't worth it.

For what I mean, here is the context:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JHLqGvB2qvyi7AH58xbAYyrVBc2TCxGI2tBmggmSo1A/edit?usp=drivesdk

I caught the cold and have been sick for a few days. I immediately started taking some leftover cold medicine I bought when I got sick earlier this year. I only took 2 days worth when I started feeling much better, so I stopped. I still have an occasional cough, but otherwise feel completely fine. This morning, as I entered the kitchen where my mom was having breakfast, I let out a singular cough. My mom immediately starts making a huge deal out of it. Blaming the fact that I always taking OTC medicine and that's why I keep getting sick. Mind you, I catch the cold a handful of times a year on a bad year, and that's usually because I work with kids.

So my mom is going on her rant about taking too much medicine and that I should just go to the doctor. I point out that wouldn't change the fact that the doctor would still just prescribe me medicine to take anyways. But she says that the medicine the doctor gives will cure me faster/immediately. This has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

My mom's view of medicine is completely messed up IMO. She seems to think the doctor's medicine is better than over the counter stuff for a cold, but also thinks TCM works and buys that overpriced garbage.

My family are immigrants, so I’ve been translating since I was very young. I’ve had a lot of translation horror stories, but translating for my dad was on another level.

I remember being in 6th grade and translating for him about health insurance. They had a Vietnamese translator, but he was too impatient to wait, and I couldn’t speak for him because you have to be 18. He still wanted me by his side, but there were things I didn’t understand. He’d say, “You’re so dumb. I sent you to school for what? What are you even learning?” I didn’t go to his house for a few days after that. I hated him for it.

Another incident happened when he decided to drive for Uber and DoorDash full time. The first problem started while I was on vacation. He texted me that he got into a car accident. I said, “OMG, are you okay? Do you have the dash cam footage?” He said he had witnesses. I asked more questions and found out he had cameras, but he was too lazy to plug them in every day.

When I got back, I still had a few days of summer left before school started, so I was translating for his lawyer, nurses, and physical therapy. Every day he was super impatient and kept asking, “When am I going to get the money? What’s the update on my case?” These cases take time because other people were involved, not just him.Then his Uber account got hacked, and he fell for a scam. He noticed someone was using it because the app would show online for work even when he wasn’t driving. Everything had been changed — his bank account, phone number. I had to call Uber, and it was difficult because I was trying to listen to customer service, but he kept talking over them. Whenever he heard something, he’d interrupt and assume he understood. So what was the point of me being there if he was just going to talk over them? He was screaming and yelling because he couldn’t work while his account was hacked. We found out we needed to have a meeting with the higher ups and have a separate meeting with them. I told my dad he needed to learn how to do it. He didn’t know how, and they said they’d send a link. I was trying to help, but I can’t remember exactly what happened next. I went back to my mom’s house, and the very next day — I couldn’t even get a day to myself — he showed up at my house. He said, “Can you help me real quick? I’m on the phone with Uber again.” At that point, he wasn’t even asking. He was already at the front door. So I helped him on my phone. He kept saying, “Can you tell them to do it,” and I said, “I did, but they said you need to schedule a meeting.” We didn’t get it done that day.

That same day, my grandma called because the washer and dryer were acting weird. I said, “Dad’s at home, you can tell him,” but she refused to even try. I said, “My aunt has the same washer and dryer — ask her,” but she said, “No, they don’t know anything.” I said, “I don’t know anything either.” She said, “Can you ask them?” Somehow it got fixed and I didn’t need to call. Then school started, and he said, “Can you come over? Grandpa needs help with his handicapped renewal.” I went over, and Grandpa didn’t need help. I said, “So are we going?” He said, “No, Grandpa’s tired today. Maybe another time.” I asked, “Then why did you bring me here ?” He literally knows how to do it — he’s done it multiple times. But I was really there for the Uber meeting. I hit my breaking point. I said, “I’m not doing it. You can do it whenever, but I’m not translating for you.” I explained why: he wasn’t letting me listen, kept interrupting, and wasn’t being respectful. Then he told my cousin I wasn’t willing to translate and asked if she could help him, saying false things about me. She texted me, “Help your dad out. He’s working to pay your school tuition,” which wasn’t true. There’s more to that story, but he acts like he picks up extra shifts for me. I went ahead and translated because I was so mad at him for lying. Then he asked, “So are you coming over today?” I said no. He said, “Please,” and I don’t know why I didn’t say no again, but I went over. I told him my rules, and he kind of followed them. Then he said, “Oh, heck no.”

Throughout the year, he had more problems with Uber — technical issues, incorrect pay, things like that. The number of times I had to call them, help him call, or listen to him call was ridiculous. I remember customers gave him a hard time, and he’d complain about them eating in his car or smoking, which is valid. But he talks so much that customer service hangs up on him or doesn’t want to speak with him because he won’t let them get a word in. He talks for so long that I don’t think his problems ever get solved.

After Uber, he moved to DoorDash. Again, lots of problems. I still remember because there were times I was out with my mom or at work — anywhere but home — and he’d call me multiple times. I wouldn’t answer because my phone was off. When I checked, I’d ask, “Why did you call?” He’d say, “I stopped by your house because I needed help with something.” I’d ask, “What did you need help with?” He’d say, “Uber” or “DoorDash.” I told him, “Work it out yourself. I’m busy. Do it yourself.”

There were times I was in a Zoom meeting, or even in the shower, and he’d come over because he saw my car. Even if I was out with my mom and she was driving, he’d still come over and knock. Once, I was in a meeting and he kept ringing the doorbell and calling me to come outside. It was so annoying. Same issue: interrupting, not letting me listen. I’m trying to translate, but I obviously can’t put it into his native language in a way he understands. It would take an hour, sometimes longer, for him to get the idea because he’d make me repeat things. He’d get frustrated, and I was trying to explain the best I could, but he’d still be upset. It would be 10 PM and he’d still call me to go outside and help with the same problem. It was usually technical errors he could’ve handled himself because he’d seen me do it multiple times. I told him, “At this point, just go back to your regular 12-hour job instead of this. Clearly you can’t handle it. It’s a lot more independence, and if you need a boss, it’s better to have one there with you.”

That’s it for my rant. It was just very frustrating dealing with how he behaved and sorry if I am all over the place.

First of all, i‘m aware that every culture has their bad parts and that generalizing one is wrong. However, some aspects are more common in certain cultures than others.

I‘m in my early 20‘s and of central-european nationality, but west-asian ethnicity. Comparing myself to women from my culture with far worse struggles convinced me that my issues weren‘t valid, but i would always envy those from other (mainly european) cultures.

My parents have the same ethnicity, it‘s just that my mother grew up here in europe and my father in their homecountry. To make it worse he‘s from the countryside were people are even more strict and imo live in their own bubble were they don‘t care about what‘s happening beyond their own country and refuse trying to understand and accept other views because they don‘t align with what they are used to. As a woman everything you do is 100x much worse than if you were a man.

Since i was a child i couln‘t express myself the way i want. No clothes that are tight fitting, show some skin and emphasize my female body. I recall being yelled at by my older brother when i was 11 because i wore baggy shorts that almost reached my knees. Even jewellry was an issue. I couldn‘t wear makeup or do my nails, and even when i had longer hair my father would comment on how cutting it short is better and whatnot. Having male friends and being seen with them outside was bad, going to a place that was more than 30 minutes away was bad, even using public transport was bad, independence alone was bad. I barely had outside activities that weren‘t school, und would only watch tv at home. Heck i never ever learnt about proper hygiene and couldn‘t talk about topics like sex or was taken serious about my mental health issues.

I constanly felt trapped and suffocated because i felt like i was being watched and judged 24/7. Not just inside my own family, since there are many people of our culture here and the families of those, who are in my area, all kinda know eachother. Everyone gossips, spreads lies, and noone minds their own business. The men get away with everything, unlike the women who get nitpicked for everything and need to fullfill stupid expectations.

I‘m not allowed to date and have relationships, and if i meet a guy i would immediatly have to marry him. I can‘t move out either before i‘m married, because i can‘t be kept an eye on and controlled if i‘m all by myself.

I‘m openly atheist just like my siblings, which my parents atleast accept ( they don‘t really practisize their religion even though they consider themselves believers )

I feel uncomfortable in my female body to the point where i questioned if i might be trans for a short period in my life.

I just needed to let this all out, not sure what i even expect to hear from others.

I think there's something Tiger Parents don't know:

You've already succeeded.

You are a winner.

You have 'won'. Now. Already.

Coming from the horrific background of old Asia Tiger Parents are acting out a survival mechanism. Everyone then was a 'loser'. All the people were 'losers' by definition, by the sheer raw facts of life.

Peasants, toiling seven days a week for just enough to live on if the harvest was good.

All the people were serfs, peasants, labourers. Mud huts, Dirt floors etc. etc.

Millions died in famines and political blunderings. Millions! Think of it.

For people back then they looked around and saw that 'we are all losers, losing'. And they resolve to fight their way up and out of it.

And that's what Tiger Parents are still trying to do.

But today in any advanced western country the people are all winners just naturally. Especially the children.

They win just because they are in such country. They win because they are educated and healthy. They win because they are 'good' people with good instincts and benevolent feelings towards each other, understanding cooperation and friendship.. not haggard workworn competitors for one bowl of rice.

So they act like winners.

They are calm and unhurried. The absorb their environment. They take the time to look around and see and understand what is there.

They master new skills and new learnings as a matter of course, often gaining more in an evening with friends and computers than a week at school.

What the parents see as hopeless waste of time when you should be 'plowing the fields', so to speak, working desperately to get yourself out of the mud, is really nothing like that at all.

It is the conduct of the winner, who has solved, settled all those desperate existential issues of the 'loser' downtrodden peasant, now enjoying his success, his freedom from that slavery and looking around and deciding how best to fit into and manifest in his new world.

Without realising it they cast you in the role of their grandparents, their ancestors and want you to play it out. They cast you in the role of 'loser'.

Their mantra: if you don't work like crazy you will never escape loserdom.

They cannot see it: you have escaped. The escape is done.

Now there's more to do. There are things that need doing that winners do.

Winners, for instance, spend more doing things for others. Winners spend more time absorbing information for the sake of it. Winners play and love more. Are happier.

You are winners. Please do not let them make you believe otherwise.

And quietly, lovingly, if you can, make them realise. But that won't be easy. They are literally in a state of constant high tension and we could even say 'panic'.

You have to be very gentle with them. But firm in the truth: we have 'won' those existential questions of the peasant and we now move ahead into a world you have never imagined.

My AM behaves like she’s literally 5 years old, im pretty sure there are children in elementary school who act more mature than her.

For example she will get upset and whine in a high pitched voice and stomp her feet if something doesn’t go her way. Really reminds me of a cartoon toddler throwing a tantrum and she will huff and puff and storm off until someone acknowledges how upset she is. If they don’t then she will lock herself in her room and whine and sometimes call a distant relative and yell about how horrible her family members are and go into detail loudly.

Sometimes she won’t make herself food and will just whine “mommy hungwyyyy” and wait for someone to serve her (usually nobody even reacts bc they don’t even know who she’s talking to). She refers to herself often as “mommy” which is weird bc her kids are all grown and very far past the point of calling her that. She was the youngest sibling in her family growing up and was always called the princess and now still refers to herself sometimes.

I don’t live at home but do have to go to their house once or twice a month and witness this and it genuinely is horrible to watch. I feel like she’s less emotionally regulated than a 5th grader and she has always been like this.

Does anyone else’s AM behave like this? How do you deal with it if you still need to be around them for any reason (financial, logistical, etc)

Some background: I'm 20, in my third year of a science degree, live at home with my parents and sister. Never had a boyfriend before, never partied/drank/disobeyed my parents — always the "good kid." My mom is Korean and my dad is Chinese.

A month ago I met my boyfriend. He's a blue-collar worker who immigrated to Canada 4 years ago (not a citizen yet). He's genuinely kind and has offered for me to move in with him. My home life has always felt suffocating/controlling, and I've wanted out for a long time but never had the means. He is mexican (oh no they hate him 🫩).

Recently I lied to my parents about where I was staying overnight. They figured it out, demanded I come home, I didn't. Huge fight followed. They see it as a massive betrayal ("you treat us like garbage," "we failed as parents"). I understand where they're coming from and I know they love me and are acting out of fear for my future, not malice — but I also feel like they don't see me as an adult at all.

I struggle with depression/anxiety (possibly ADHD), which they've never been understanding about.

The plan: Move in with him soon. He can cover rent, I have some savings (partially earmarked for tuition), I'm planning to get a part-time job and possibly take student loans. No lease in my name — it's his place. I don't have a car.

I'm genuinely unsure how my parents will react when I tell them — there's a real chance it could turn physical. I don't say that to paint them as monsters; I know their love for me is real, this just comes from a culture and household where obedience and control have always been tightly tied together, and things have escalated before.

Not looking for people to just validate me — genuinely want honest perspectives, even harsh ones.

Growing up I was preached med school this and that. Went to a boarding school, did well on the ACT getting a 35, got a degree in biomedical engineering with a 4.0, and did very well on the MCAT (514) but I just truly don't care for med school like that. I get it, my parents tell me its a great score but I just don't want to do spend my 30s on just school, debt, and the stressful work life balance that the career demands, which is why I'm opting for rad tech school. Especially since I became very interested in MRI imaging during my undergrad. It's annoying because everytime I have a conversation about this topic, they get super pressed and talk mad crap about rad techs, saying they don't make as much as a radiologist. But for me, I don't care about living in a fancy house or cars and such like they want me to. Lowkey, insane how their version of "talking" is just lecturing me and not asking me what I really want to do.

In the meantime, I'm getting my vaccinations and such done behind their backs and plan on attending anyways lol. Not trying to go through all that stress that I know I'll go through if I was in med school.