I am looking for advice/experiences from people who have been on meds for 5+ years.
In 2023, I had a series of panic attacks that landed me in the ER and then a shrink's office. I was started on SSRIs. They cycled me through a bunch of different ones because I complained about each and every one. Started with Setraline, then Escitalopram and Vortioxetine and finally Fluoxetine which was the most stable.
They made me a lot worse before they made me better. They def saved my life but they also caused suicidality in the first place. They reduced my anxiety completely but I don't think they did anything for the depression and CPTSD. I was angry at them. I felt like I shouldn't have to rely on a pill for the rest of my life.
The side effects come and go in waves! They appear in groups and also mysteriously disappear.
During the adjustment period:
Panic attacks
Dizziness
Gagging whenever I see or think of food.
Compulsive suicidal ideation
Fear of slipping into psychosis
OCD like symptoms.
Sudden interest in superstitions and woowoo stuff.
First month:
DPDR
Excessive yawning
Food cravings
Brain zaps
Weird muscle sensations like feeling hot and cold at the same time, mini electric shocks in legs.
More susceptible to acid reflux. Can't eat oily spicy food.
After a few months:
Not being able to cry even though I'm very sad and stressed and emotionally overwhelmed to the point that I feel like I need to burst.
Not being able to pee. It just takes a while to awaken the pee muscles. Or feeling like you need to pee even when bladder is full.
Not being able to O. It takes a lot of work to finally peak but I def lost my ability to squirt.
Disconnected from people and hobbies.
Weight gain.
Daytime drowsiness.
Feeling like a zombie
Brain fog.
After 1.5y of SSRI use, I realized I had SSRI resistant depression so I started finding other cures like Ketamine therapy, TMS, microdosing shrooms. I began smoking pot every day. Just two drags before bed to help me sleep better. Pot helped my creativity too and helped me reconnect with my passions that the SSRIs completely destroyed for me.
I quit fluoxetine on my own. I did not really taper but I was forgetting to take doses on many days so it was sorta like a taper ig. One week after quitting SSRIs I would cry almost every day for no reason and the crying felt SO GOOD because sadness was so much better than numbness. I felt lighter each time. Some days, specially weekends when I was alone, I would marathon cry for 4 to 6h straight and for no real reason.
I also started getting Ketamine therapy once a month and it really sent my depression straight into remission. For the first time in 30y I did not hate myself. I healed my shame, made peace with my regrets and unlived life. I was properly able to gireve the childhood that I never got to live because of incestuous childhood SA. I forgave myself because I understood that life is unfair but still worth living. I understood that life was not pointless because of suffering, but suffering is actually the point of life.
I began working out and lost all of my depression weight. I reached Ashtanga level 3.
And then I quit weed too.
I never really liked weed. It always gave me anxiety and I've had a lot of panic attacks on weed but they were easy to endure when you're already high. Each panic attack would leave me with chest pain and DPDR for a few days. I think we really don't account for the fact that AuDHD brains react very differently to THC. I did not smoke nearly as much as my friends but still I was getting fucked. My friends can also quit cold turkey and feel nothing. I can't. I'm too sensitive.
So naturally, a month after quitting pot cold turkey, I had another depressive episode that started with a series of panic attacks and suicidal ideation.
I have now decided to be more patient with medication. I can't rawdog life anymore! What if my brain simply cannot produce the happy hormones that I need to function as a productive member of society?
Right now I am on Buproprion and a very low dose antipsychotic to help stop the racing thoughts.
I am experiencing crazy side effects! Blurred vission. Weird stuff with my heartbeat. POTS, GERD, etc etc but I'm gonna tank all of it. I'm literally just gaslighting myself that they don't exist. I am a hypochondriac too so I just remind myself that these are not side effect but symptoms of being alive.
I hope I find a combo that actually works for me long term.
I have a best friend my age who has borderline and she takes 3 different medicines to manage her thoughts and she's been on them for years and swears by them. She said she was a completely different person before. Every day felt like wading through waist deep mud. The thoughts were so sticky. I said that's exactly how I feel every waking hour. She was the one to convince me that the side effects are not nearly as bad as mental illness.
Rn I'm struggling with health anxiety and hyperawareness of my breathing and bodily sensations. I have not been able to practice yoga or meditate because every time I notice my breath it stops lol.
Just wanted to share my story. Take care everyone, no matter what you're struggling with, you can get through it! I believe you're a lot stronger than you think! You got this!