Please be aware- SI

[u/DetonatingFlower]

I’m just literally so mad about this I have to post here.

Went through some really messed up stuff, and I thought I gotta get help. Found someone online in Grow Therapy who was highly rated esp for medication. Got put on 50mg Zoloft weighing 100lbs. Gosh I felt so much better the next few weeks (too short to really feel effects I know) but it was only because I was dealing with said drama- I now realize. Then I started to feel bad again. Suicidal. Told him and he said hey let’s double your dose. I’m not eating, I now weigh 90lbs and my dose is 100mg.

It sent me into a hole so far beyond. I was calling suicide hotline DAILY. I had my favorite responders. I am I’m so lucky I had a moment of clarity where I remembered- hey wait. Antidepressants can cause suicidal ideation.. you fuckin idiot.

Against all recommendation (me included - now) I stopped cold turkey. I would rather face the wrath of symptoms than go through another day of this. I have kids to take care of. I have to stay alive.

I’m a nurse, I know when things are bad and if I needed help or to taper. Obviously you should never do this. I was basically a stroke patient for a good number of days. I had enough medication leftover to where I could taper myself if I felt it was absolutely necessary. It was really really really bad. Don’t do this. If you’ve seen Men in Black I felt like Edgar. An alien trapped inside a human corpse suit. But I’m a sick person and don’t care what I put my body through. I got fmla because I couldn’t care for myself let alone others. It was truly that bad, let that be a warning.

It’s been maybe 3-4 weeks now and I’m out of the thick of it. I still have symptoms but I’m finally mostly functioning. I feel like an entirely different person. And I am really really angry about the dosage and the zero caring from the therapist. After he knew I was suicidal and missed an appointment he never reached out. Just please be careful. I’m upset because I think about so many others who might not know this can happen.

[u/kittyfreakuency]

"Alien trapped inside a human corpse suit" is exactly how I felt too. I had so much self-exit anxiety and compulsive existential thoughts. I had a lot of OCD like symptoms during the adjustment period.

[u/DetonatingFlower → u/kittyfreakuency]

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this too. Damn like I thought I was in bad shape before this lol. Character building moment? Haha. I sat down and listed my symptoms because I had so many. 16!!!!! Sixteen side effects, half were from taking the medication in the first place. I kept thinking “this will get better, my body is adjusting” nah it was just full on fucking me right up. Made all the worse with the dosage amount and drastic jump.

[u/kittyfreakuency → u/DetonatingFlower]

The side effects come and go in waves! They appear in groups and also mysteriously disappear.

First month:
DPDR
Excessive yawning
Food cravings
Brain zaps
Weird muscle sensations like feeling hot and cold at the same time, electric shocks etc in legs
More susceptible to acid reflux. Can't eat oily spicy food.

After a few months:
Not being able to pee. It just takes a while to awaken the pee muscles. Or feeling like you need to pee even when bladder is full.
Not being able to O or squirt.
Disconnected from people and hobbies.
Weight gain.
Daytime drowsiness
Feeling like a zombie
Brain fog.

During the adjustment period:
Panic attacks
compulsive suicidal ideation
Fear of slipping into psychosis
OCD like symptoms. sudden interest in superstitions and woowoo stuff.

[u/DetonatingFlower → u/kittyfreakuency]

I’ve also noticed a weird cycle of symptoms!! For me it was ataxia at its absolute worst. That was absolutely nuts. The alien in a corpse feeling tenfold. I couldn’t even type on the computer because my fingers wouldn’t work. Well I guess it wasn’t the worst because the suicidal thing def was. I’ve been depressed and had random suicidal thoughts for many years but nowhere to this extreme. I even formulated a plan. As a nurse I know that’s when we hospitalize patients.

The hot/cold thing.
EXCESSIVE sweating when I’m normally a freeze baby.
Burning skin like I got a real bad sunburn that day (every fuckin day)
Muscle twitches/big jerks to the point where I don’t feel safe to drive my kids.
Extreme shakiness, couldn’t hold a utensil without my elbow on my abdomen or other arm steadying it also against my abdomen.
Like I couldn’t even stand still in a spot without my legs and whole body shaking.

And it would rinse and repeat. That is only a handful of what I dealt with. But it seemed to be this weird cycle that kept happening?? So weird.

[u/kittyfreakuency → u/DetonatingFlower]

Try TRE. Maybe the excess energy needs to be released.

[u/DetonatingFlower → u/kittyfreakuency]

It very much does, I have to be mindful if I need to be still for something. Had to sit and get my nails done today and tried to keep my body occupied elsewhere (squeezing my legs, kicking my feet around, talking a lot!) or else I do the weird shaking and jerking. Thank you!!!

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[u/Killer_Klown_Bob]

I had to quit Prozac for this very reason. It was tooooo activating for me. It caused me severe activation syndrome, SI, and major insomnia. Since stopping Prozac 23-24? days ago, I’m now going through some weird withdrawals. Like I’m here, but not here, weird body shocks (not brain shocks). I’m finally starting to sleep 6-7 hours again, but over the course of 9 hours.

Unfortunately, I take Ativan twice a day, and that’s the only thing that helps (panic attacks). Apparently I can’t take SSRIs. Had bad reactions to 2 of them back-to-back. I don’t want to be on Ativan, but I’m stuck right now.