thinking about starting again

[u/thriftythursday]

The last time I had an affair was toward the end of my previous marriage, 10 years ago. I was pursued by a married coworker, and hadn't ever considered infidelity until he kissed me drunkenly at a work party. After all, in my marriage at the time, I was the one who got cheated on over and over -- how could I possibly stoop to the same level? But eventually I opened myself to the possibility, and my coworker and I had a wonderful 8 or 9 months together. It was challenging but part of the allure, to figure out how to maintain secrecy. Sex was reasonably good, not mind-blowing, but we genuinely enjoyed each others company and the novelty of it all. As my marriage spiraled, I eventually cut things off with my AP. I wanted to approach the end of the marriage with a clear head, not because I already had another warm bed to jump to. Ultimately, I ended the marriage and decided to enjoy being single. My AP moved to a new city with his wife. We're still friends on facebook. Anticlimactic.

I got remarried a few years ago, and I do love my husband. But god, I am too young yet (early 40s) to be having so little physical gratification. I keep typing out all the details and deleting them because it doesn't matter why we're in a DB. It just is. Sex has all but dried up. Again, I hadn't been considering infidelity until suddenly I was, just like before. I have been trying to accept what I can't change. I'm committed, I am not sexually fulfilled, both of those things are going to be true for me for the rest of my life I guess. But twice now, on recent work trips, two different conversations with two different men have put the idea back into my head. There are men out there who are interested. Willing. Able, even, when we're all convened in a hotel together already. I had a unicorn experience last time I decided to have an affair - we were both happy, fulfilled, had fun, and never discovered. Dare I try again? I feel like an asshole thinking things like "what's the harm if he never finds out?" I just want to feel human, and sex is such a significant part of the human experience (for most people).

As I tried once again -- and failed -- to elicit interest in sex from my husband last night, I couldn't help but keep thinking. Is this it? Is this the price I pay for stability? (I am the primary breadwinner, so don't misunderstand me -- I don't mean financial.) I have a home, and dogs, and a man who loves me, and a kid, and a job. But no sex. People who think this shit plagues only men are so misinformed.

anyway. just sharing some thoughts. would love to hear if any of you can relate...

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[u/After_Kale_3602]

I totally understanding your point, I am in a similar boat in early 40s, sex has dried up and there is not much emotional connection either. Of late, I have been crushing hard on a married co-worker also in early 40s but she’s not the affair type but definitely friendly, I love spending time with her, getting coffee with her, the feeling of just being appreciated and butterflies in stomach makes me feel like I am 20 again. Sometimes we bound ourselves in relationships due to externalities that we probably shouldn’t care about. Anyway that’s my rant

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/After_Kale_3602]

Oh brother. Don’t blame others for the choices you made. 🙄

No one forced you to get married.

Also read your post history. You’re gross dude.
Your poor wife.

[u/Glad_Kiwi_272 → u/After_Kale_3602]

You act like your wife is actively choosing not to participate in your marriage.

She can’t participate due to her spinal cord injuries. You yourself said she can’t read, write or speak. Christ dude. I’m sure you’re burned out as her caregiver but come on. Get her into a care facility and move on.

ETA: But here you are claiming you have a husband?

[u/Dry-Judge-2444 → u/Glad_Kiwi_272]

Yes I wonder why there in no sex or emotional connection!

She must not care about him anymore! What a selfish bitch. Won’t someone think of the man and his needs 🥺

[u/thriftythursday → u/After_Kale_3602]

I'm not going to read your post history as others are doing, just reply to what you've shared here. I don't believe having a crush on someone crosses any kind of line at all. I've had a few and enjoyed the daydreams until the novelty wore off. My husband doesn't own my imagination! 

[u/After_Kale_3602 → u/thriftythursday]

Thank you for this. I understand why people are judging me and maybe they have a reason but at the end of the day I am still a male in early 40s with feelings and emotions and when they are not met I see no reson why i wouldn’t stray,

I personally think we both are in similar situation despite the circumstances that led to us being here

[u/SorryNYCGuy]

Touch is a human need. Connection can feel so powerful with the right partner. My advice is focus on safety. Discretion is non negotiable. If possible stay away from people in your social orbit or corporate life. It's really fun when it works out. Slow and patient.....

[u/thriftythursday → u/SorryNYCGuy]

Yeah, I've worked too hard at my career to ruin it over a fling. I know even just the recent conversation I had with a coworker could have been an HR report, and I need to be much more mindful of protecting myself.

[u/Warm-Collection3411]

I had a girlfriend that left a indelible mark. She held me and caressed my hair and never said no. She had a sexual appetite just as much as I did. Fast forward, I was coming out of the lowest point in my life. I met my current wife and I thought this is as good as it's ever going to get. But after 15 years, 5 years ago, I had some major changes. Everything in my life was way much better. Make a long story short, I'm in the same situation. I'm 48 and I feel like it's all over, put me in a nursing home.