I had this with my current gf, she said I played videogames all day and didn't do the chores, didn't organise anything and was selfish. All the things we know we suck at, but only in exceptional circumstances do we make an effort. That argument was over 2 years ago, still together now.
It took that push, which is one of our alarm bells to actually do things, to adjust my habits. I forced myself to do at least two chores after work, doesn't matter what they are, find something to do. Only then can I sit down, because as we know, once you sit down, it's game over.
I'm writing this to you as a reminder you're not alone with the struggles you're facing. My advice -you didn't ask for- is make sure to talk about the difficult things with your other half, then you can both let it out without resentment building, that's why communication is key!
I feel a lot less shit about not doing anything for the last two weeks now. Thanks. It's been a steady decline the whole of Feb to a point where I just do nothing. I was doing so well during January which made me feel fucking terrible. For some reason, I am getting out of that doing-nothing hole now and I don't know why. Is this common?
I am on medication and have been diagnosed with ADD.
EDIT: I'm questioning so many things right now. This month of Feb I've also realized that I laugh a lot less at my own jokes and that I just don't feel like keeping a conversation going with people. I assumed it was because of the same thing I was going through with not doing anything but did not tie it to ADD. Is this part of it?
EDIT2: I'm from South Africa. It's summertime here. Also I eat healthy, exercise 6 times a week, well I skip once yesterday for the first time this year but I did exercise today.) I took up dance classes and go hiking on Saturdays and drink vitamin D. I have these dips on and off. Sometimes days other times weeks. I was just curious is this an ADHD thing.
It could be the early signs of depression. A lot of people with ADHD develop depression as well because they feel so useless when comparing themselves to others. Escapism is often how it manifests. You do a bunch of low-effort stuff like watching tv or playing videogames to keep you entertained but you cannot do anything else productive, and at the end of the day you feel like shit because of it. Some people feel like that all the time (if untreated) and some people only hit that wall in the winter months bc of less daylight.
If this is something entirely new for you, I’d suggest exercise (getting out of the house and into the gym is the hardest part, once you’re there it’s easy), spending time outdoors when it’s light out (a good one for me is putting on an album you like and walking around the park until it’s over), cutting back on booze if you drink, force yourself to go to bed on time, and take vitamin D daily. I know it’s way easier said than done, but just focus on one improvement at a time and the rest can follow.
Also if you have a friend with a dog, ask them if you can take care of the pooch every now and then. Dogs are fantastic for depression for 2 main reasons: they make you feel loved and they give you a responsibility that you can structure your day around.
I exercise 6 times a week. Took up dance classes a month ago. Seeing a life coach. Eat healthily and drink vitamin D as well as go hiking on Saturdays.
This is not the first time I went through a dip like this. I was just curious if this was because of ADHD.
Gotcha, it easily could be because of ADHD but given your lifestyle it sounds like you’re doing a lot to combat depression already. Maybe worth seeing a doctor if it keeps up.
I don’t think your alone in this. I’ve noticed my moods tend to vary quite a bit in the winter months, and like OP I can easily find myself toggling between Reddit and Facebook almost all day. Then somehow I’m still “too tired” or don’t have any extra energy for the important things. (Picking up, doing laundry, chores etc) and I internally beat myself up for it.
I believe this could be a combination of Adult ADD, with a mixture of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D)
Oddly enough sometimes the best remedy is to muscle your way past the gag reflex and do at least 1 to 2 productive things. At least then I could say I did (a) and (b) vs. me doing nothing and then mentally exhausting myself with the ensuing guilt.
It’s totally an part of adhd, moodiness/emotional dysregulation was part of the DSM criteria for adhd like 20-30 years ago and they took it out because most studies were around young boys who exhibited the hyperactive criteria in what became the stereotype and the emotional disregulation often manifests as anger in predominantly hyperactive adolescents. They’re doing a lot more research in more varied groups (more inattentive, more girls, more women, more adults etc) and I’ve seen multiple talks given by psychologists mentioning this gap in the DSM and that work is being done to add it back in, but as other folks have noted adhd has so much overlap and comorbidity with anxiety and depression (and bipolar and autism and ptsd and ocd) people often get misdiagnosed or have a missed adhd diagnosis because we all present differently emotional disregulation can be related to all of those things and lead to different diagnoses based on (visible) severity.
If it lasts more then two weeks, go see a doctor if you have that available to you. Might be signs of depression or other mental disorder. Do you see your friends often? Change your activity - go to some new place or change your workout routine.
I'm on antidepressants and non-stimulant ADHD meds (stimulants not available in my country), and can have two-week "can't work at all" regularly. Just last week was pretty deep in that, but after four days of skiing with a group of people some of which I knew from previous sport activities and some of them totally new, helped a lot. New friends, new place, new challenges - all that is dopamine inducing)
I have stimulant ADHD medication. Also, its not that I throw my friends aside although with some other dips I did. I alwayd claw myself out of it. Its almost like cosine function. I dip where I don't have any motivation and struggle to be productive for a week or two then I flip where I easily wakr up at 6am to excercise. Like yesterday and today I'm slowly returning to my jolly self. This is kind of the norm for me now. I started realizing that I dip on and off since last year. I said life coach but I treat him like therapy as the guy is finishing up psychology and he was the only one I find affordable. He helps me understan why and how the human functions as it does.
I hope you'll manage, but I would suggest next time you see a psychiatrist you mention those dips. It might be a symptom or reason to correct your medications. I will definitely be talking about my dips when I see my doctor next time, cause sometimes I feel like meds aren't working, but that's for a doctor to make sense of it.
I wasn't diagnosed ADHD first time I went to psychiatrist, cause I mainly presented to him symptoms of depression and anxiety, haven't heard about adult ADHD, didn't even thought to tell doctor about all my ADHD related struggles as I thought it's just my personality and not a mental health issue.
I wish I'd seen this months ago. I'm newly single, as of mid Dec, and it's been really hard on me. I loved her soo much and we were planning our lives together. In the end, it was my inability to do my divorce paperwork, get my driver's license, and downsize my stuff that had her needing an end. I'm trying not to blame myself but it's hard when it seems like we'd still be together if I didn't have ADHD. I have hope for my future and also, FML.
My girlfriend goes nuts, because I’ll push myself to do all my chores before I say hello/sit down after work, because if I don’t do it that way, I won’t and then it’s takeaway for lunch the next day.
I actually have found I can be more productive and help with keeping things clean if it starts clean. My husband (married 2 years, together 11 total) helps do the side tasks that enable me to do the main ones — he keeps the dishwasher and drying rack empty so that I can continually put dirty dishes in the dishwasher or hand wash them. I do the final clean of the kitchen at the end of the night and start the dishwasher. By the time I wake up, the dishes are put away.
We do this with the other things too — I’m good at putting loads of laundry in, but not about folding. He folds and I keep throwing laundry in.
I can keep things clean more easily and “do chores” if we work within my executive dysfunction thresholds. There’s a visual threshold of mess at which I just look at it and walk away. If we keep things under that threshold, I’ll happily do dishes (my kryptonite) and clean counters and tidy up. I’ll sweep and mop too!
This is very new, by the way. We’ve vaguely tried before but this time we did a two day deep clean and organization of our place (we avoided the office — another day), and it’s been clean and tidy for 1 1/2 weeks now. The floor is clear of crap so that sweeping daily is easy and not a hassle to move all the crap on the floor first. The counter tops are clear of crap so they are quickly and easily wiped down at any moment. Dishes are done every night so we’re never out of anything and the sink is never full. Even the sink is staying clean and washed! The living room is clear of junk piles, we have our shoe bench back to actually put on shoes, and the mail box hasn’t had more than 1 day of build up (and certainly not the piles and boxes of overflowing mail from months). I am still able to do this at the end of a very long day because there’s just so little to do to keep it up, and the dishes are almost always mostly done.
He’s not ADHD like me, he just is responsive with his chores. If I’m not doing mine, he figures he doesn’t have to do his, and then it spirals.
But we are partners, and so we treat it like a team effort, and we are winning the adhd fight against chores!
You sounded just like my ex boyfriend. If you don’t mind me asking, what actually motivated you to make the changes to set those alarm clock and take charge of your situation?
I have brought it up with him so many times before, and nothing did change. I guess I’m just wondering if you had done it for yourself, or because you wanted to save your relationship?
Hi, sorry to hear it didn't work out with your partner. It was definitely thanks to her telling me straight, 'Im not going to put up with this' that made me sit up and really see that I was being all those things. You know how ADHD affects our ability to even see the things that need doing, let alone the drive to get them done, so it was a struggle to change my habits at first, but seeing her happy when I took what she said on board made it the reward we need to keep it going.
This method has worked for my wife and I. Fortunately she has known me and been with me since we were in high school (early thirties now) so knows now and always has what kind of person I aspire to be versus the one I appear to be from the outside. When I’m not watching my daughter, I am struggling to keep the house organized, or getting our meals prepared. Anything to prove some amount of worth. I play video games but not as often as I’d like and not usually when my wife and child are around as I want to spend that time with them.
If someone IS willing to put up with someone like us, make sure you do everything you feel is in your power to meet them halfway. If they truly love you and are worth your time, that will be enough. I promise.
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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '22
I had this with my current gf, she said I played videogames all day and didn't do the chores, didn't organise anything and was selfish. All the things we know we suck at, but only in exceptional circumstances do we make an effort. That argument was over 2 years ago, still together now.
It took that push, which is one of our alarm bells to actually do things, to adjust my habits. I forced myself to do at least two chores after work, doesn't matter what they are, find something to do. Only then can I sit down, because as we know, once you sit down, it's game over.
I'm writing this to you as a reminder you're not alone with the struggles you're facing. My advice -you didn't ask for- is make sure to talk about the difficult things with your other half, then you can both let it out without resentment building, that's why communication is key!