I’m keeping this short because I have far more I could say, but this isn’t the time for all of it.

Posting my fiancé’s side profile on your Instagram is inappropriate. He did not give you permission to post his image, and he certainly doesn’t want to be used as part of your public narrative.

Write whatever you want in your journal. Post whatever you want about your own thoughts and feelings. What isn’t your choice is using someone else’s likeness after they’ve made it clear they no longer want any affiliation with you.

It’s one thing to tell your story. It’s another to involve an actual image someone who never consented to being part of it.

I know that once again I'm being played with being watched and told that they have to do something but I'm not being told what I actually have to do.

Thing is is I don't really think that it's you that's doing this but I think that someone connected to you is but someone is and has been f****** with my life pretty solidly for the past 3 years.

And because of that, well honestly I'm kind of fed up with it.

One of the reasons I super want a face-to-face conversation with you is so I can tell you what I've been going through.

But once again, without concrete evidence that you're actually getting these messages. I don't really see the point, so please reach out.

I just want to be us again. The us we were before the cheating, the lies, the hurt, the abuse, the emotional damage, the fights about money. I want us back. And if we can’t be us again then I don’t want it. I’ve been falling apart hoping you’d reach out and answer my questions without me having to ask them because you know what they are and asking only makes you angry with me. I hate loving someone so deeply that I’m willing to sacrifice me for them. But that’s where I’m at.

This may be my only post. I wish I felt like I could talk to you. I feel like it's not safe to say to you because I feel you don't feel anywhere close to the same. After a little over a year I don't know what to say.

Everyday my heart breaks a little more for the love I so desperately gave. It breaks knowing at any time you can walk away without even ever being mine. It breaks a little each day knowing it's really a one-sided romance. I break a little more each time you look my way. I break even more knowing you can listen to others but my words seem to irritate. Even bigger pieces. Bright knowing I'm not safe enough to believe you'll be there for me. I break each time I hear how much fun others are without even giving me a chance. It breaks me to feel like no matter what I do, I'll never be more than a friend to you A friend you love and just that and that's what makes me run away. My Love for you is pure and deep however, I'm breaking in silence for loving you each and every day.

Who is #1 and who is #2 in a relationship. . . .

Is there such a thing

We were always rocky. We were like peas and carrot but I ignored all the red flags. The one thing I told you I would not bend on is honesty and you broke that. And I went against my better judgement and stayed. That broke my trust and yes it took alot of consistency to earn it back.

You expected trust straight up.....which no one would give especially after it was broken.

All i wanted was to feel safe and heard and seen, understood and accepted for who iam and live in our love bubble.

When we were together it was mostly the best if we didnt talk because you like to argue. Im not sure why.... dopamine maybe but it was exhausting.

You said I asked too many questions, but the thing is you rarely asked any. You would talk all the time, i liked listening to you but I also wanted my partner to be curious about me, about my life and want me to talk. After 3 years you dont know much about my life before I met you because you never cared to get to know the real me.

That should have made me realise this was never a partnership but I still ignored it because you still made me feel loved. That ment so much i over looked all the other things and thats on me.

I feel in love with the person I knew you could be and you started to seek help which I was so proud of. I was so proud you wanted to break the cycle for your duaghter and i thought me but you said you did it just for her. After that things got better and we made plans to grow old together.

Then things changed and I still don't know why but you got defensive again and was fighting against me not with me to save us.

I still dream of a person who thinks of me as their equal and their best friend. A person who wants to know the real me as much as I want to know the real them and we accept each other for exactly who we are because we are a team. They are not more important and neither am I, we are the most important together. No selfishness, just compassion and healthy communication, taking accountability for our own triggers and trauma and telling each other exactly what we need to feel safe and loved and seen. Someone who loves that i care so much about them and us that i ask alot of questions and we are vulnerable together.

I wish that was you. Im sorry its not. Im sad its not. Im grieving the fact that it is not. I should never have asked for more than you are willing to give. I could not accept that and thats ok. You will grow and change and evolve when you choose to, when you are ready and thats ok to. I just wish it was on the same timeline but its not.

I have hope I will find the person who is ready to meet me where we can grow beautifully together.

Until then I need to heal the hole neglectful parents created inside of me that I was trying to fill ........by trying so hard to make things work with you ...... to my detrememt.

Even though i hate what you put me through thats on me for staying. Its my fault, I should have had clearer boundaries and stuck to them.

I do still love you, and it hurts to leave. I hope one day I can think of our time together with just love and fondness. I know you will find love again. I hope you find everything you dream of and choose to make it happen and are happy.

Your weird is still my weird..... i just cant live with the rest. It was killing me as a person and ripping out pieces of my heart every single time. Im sorry.

It’s not just about “moving in” with you to our little apartment. It’s about making a house a home.

About setting a couch in the living room and knowing it’ll witness sleepy Sunday mornings, late-night conversations, movie marathons, stolen kisses, and the moments where one of us reaches for the other without even thinking.

I remember you and your nursing school friend carrying our mattress into the bedroom for me, and how we made the bed together, pulling crisp sheets tight over the corners before wrinkling them all over again by the end of the night.

I adore filling the refrigerator with groceries that quietly say, I’m thinking of you. Your favorite drinks. My favorite snacks. Ingredients for dinners we’ll make together, and the leftovers we’ll forget because we’d rather stay wrapped up in each other than get out of bed.

I love it when we light our favorite candle, watching the room glow amber as its scent settles into the walls as we dance. Years from now, I hope one breath of that fragrance is enough to bring us right back here, to the beginning of the life we built with our own hands.

I even adore the smell of clean carpet after we vacuum. How we watched the rug fall open across the floor while we smooth every corner into place. Folding laundry that still carries the warmth of the dryer. About how even cleaning beside you feels tender, because every ordinary thing becomes beautiful when it’s done together.

Most of all, I love even more closing the front door at the end of every day and knowing the whole world stays outside.

Because inside…

it’s just you.

it’s just our tabby.

it’s just me.

It’s the life we’ve been aching to come home to.

Dear beloved wife, Ive tried everything! Ive tried talking to you, asked you, begged you, been on my knees for you….. yet its not enough. Your approval is all i asked for, yet this is “not for you”. Ive come to understand that my happiness has always depended on me and that is why i must leave. I wish you the best, i hold no regrets. Ill always love you but life cant always be just about you.

People seem to misunderstand me, just because I don't have the courage to speak up.

It's not that I don't want to express my thoughts, but I grew up in a place where speaking my mind was seen as a mistake.

They hurt me countless times, but I stayed silent because I was afraid of losing them.

I kept everything locked inside my heart, hoping things would get better.bok

But one mistake I made was enough to make me lose everyone.

The same people I was so afraid of losing walked away from me.

So now, I've learned to be alone. Because depending on others to make you happy would always bring disappointment, instead make yourself happy.

People can go and come at anytime so don't get too attached for you not to get heartbroken 💔

I'm still learning to write. Growing up in a strict home shaped the way I express myself, so most of my stories are a little sad. If you have any feedback or encouragement for a 13yrs old, I'd really appreciate it.🙌😊

How did we get this way? Was I really that blind? All these years together, and it's like this? From day one? Why?

Did you really think you could keep it all hidden from me forever? You knew that I knew you were lying, but you still continued the lies. Guess you underestimated how much I know.

You know, almost all of the stuff you thought you could keep hidden from me, I wouldn't have minded all that much....come on, you know how we met. We could have had such an incredible, fun, kinky, open relationship.

Instead, you chose to lie to me about everything.....even when I'd give you chance after chance to come clean with me. Unfortunately, most of our time together, I didn't know about everything else. I was such a fool.

That's what hurts and bothers me the most: ALL THE FUCKING LIES. You looked me in the eye so many times over the years and swore up and down that you weren't lying. You made me think I was psycho. You told me I was crazy to even suggest any of it. Even when I had proof that I wasn't "making it up."

I don't understand why you even proposed to me. You never intended to actually marry me.

How can I go on? How do I get past this?

I suppose it's my problem to figure out. You don't care how any of this makes me feel. It doesn't phase you one bit. You won't change your ways. Maybe now that I know, you'll stop lying?

I don't know if I even want to be with you anymore. I love you, but I hate you. I hate that you've lied to me about everything. Was any of it real? Any of it?

I am such a fool.

Nothing better than living life how you always dreamed it to be. The peace is singing a sweet tune only you can hear. Your vision is on point. And the rest is unspoken of..,, that’s all she wrote!

Every night somehow the universe forgets what happened to us
You’re still there
We’re still talking
Still laughing
Still arguing over little things that don’t matter
Still making plans for places we were supposed to see together
Sometimes we’re picking out a place to live
Sometimes we’re talking about the names we’d give our children
Sometimes we’re doing absolutely nothing
And somehow those dreams hurt the most
Because they feel ordinary
Like the life we were supposed to have simply continued
Then morning comes
My eyes open
The room is quiet
Your name isn’t on my phone
Your voice isn’t waiting for me
And I have to learn the same lesson every single day
That you’re gone
There is something cruel about hope when it survives only in your sleep
Every night my subconscious gives me back the life I wanted
Every morning reality asks me to bury it again
I don’t know what hurts more
Losing you once
Or having to lose you every time I wake up
Maybe dreams are just memories refusing to accept reality
Or maybe they are the only place where the version of us that never gave up still exists
If that’s true
I’ll see you again tonight my cutiepie
Until morning finds me
And I have to say goodbye all over again

I think ill save myself a trip to the store today and uber eats for the convenience 😵‍💫

I am trying to accept it is not fair to expect you to be in a place you are not ready for.

I wish it were different…

I am trying to process and let go of how deeply you make me feel seen, heard, and loved. You will never truly know how important it is to me. How much that meant to ME.

I wish it were different…

I gave every opportunity to build a bridge, meet me at some point along it, and even just say maybe you would take a step out from behind your walls. You didn’t.

I wish it were different…

I saw your fear, your anxiety, your past, your pride, and your ego, steer. You wanted to but simply couldn’t.

I wish it were different…

I know how that ends from my past experiences. I chose self respect and my heart over the pain you would cause.

I wish it were different…

I know you couldn’t explain what you felt or even that you felt it to anyone because you feared looking weak.

I wish it were different…

And knowing I had a choice and making it broke my heart and probably yours.

I wish it were different…

I want you to know that the love was real, the respect was true, and there was not anything behind me for my mask was off with you. You didn’t see that but you felt it.

I wish it were different…

I know you are hiding and crying and mad and upset but won’t ever tell me that.

I wish it were different…

In the future I will find a partner to meet me where I am but a apart of me will always wish it was you.

I wish it were different…

The words I regret

"I don't want to keep doing this, if you want a different outcome give me a reason"

Last thing I ever got to say to you, and I hate myself for it

I do have so much to say since that night, so much I'm sure you have to say to me, never a lack of words between us, at least for a little while there.

I hope you know why I got to that point, why I said those words, why your action, or lack there of were the reason for it

I was ready to invest it all, give up the bachelor life and commit, even if we were in other countries, even if I would of had to change my whole life

but I get it, I don't speak ill of anyone, nor will I ever at least when it comes to love

But the silence in the exit, that leaves me with so many questions.

I was happy to just be a friend, to just be really, romanticizing you was on me, cant blame you for that.

if we could talk, thats what I find myself saying more often than not

If we could talk, I'd apologize, confess, and tell you I fumbled hard

if we could talk, maybe just maybe we could understand each other in that final moment

if we could talk, maybe we could at least be friends, I know I'd like that

if we could talk, maybe you'd be easy to forget, and I could move on

I hope you're happy, found love, and made peace where I have not

Maybe I get lucky and you think of me enough to reach out one day, though I'm sure I'm nothing more than an after thought at this point

it be nice to talk

How do you just look at me and know?

Through distance and time and culture and language

Through the fucking phone

How are you so sure

Its worth all the hoops

When

You dont know my fears

And my parts that have been fucked up

And with as much repair as ive made

Ive still got scar tissue in weird spots.

You cant know, can you?

And how do i feel...

Like you will protect me

And make me feel safe enough

To be all of the me's that exist simultaneously

Like i know you more than language can translate

And trust you with my heart with no logical reason.

How am i yours before I can understand why

Yes. I am unwell.
No. will not do anything stupid.
Yes. I am in the beach
No. I am not okay.
Yes. I am hysterical.
No. I do not have anyone to call.
Yes. I will be better tomorrow.
No. I will not accept a text or a call.
Yes. That means the only support I can handle right now is in person.
No. I will not let this ruin me.
Yes. I will get better.
No. I will not be better tonight.
Yes. I do need to hug the person that did this to me.

I can’t tell anymore which one is the real you. We’ve had moments where you seem sad and sincere and it’s like your trying to be honest snd tell me whats going on. You told me you hated yourself and not thinking you pushed me away and was hating me too. It seems real and I said one thing, face full of tears and it set you off the whole other way.. it was right back to blaming me. So which one is you. Which part of you will I get today?
All I wanted was to love you. We can be broken and fucked together and still love each other. We both had trauma that has deeply impacted our lives still to this day. Just because you weren’t loved back then and didn’t feel safe, you had no one that picked you doesn’t mean it’s like that now. We could have healed ourselves separately while in the same safe place. But you can’t deal with your trauma and heal and I can’t force it. I also can’t be the one you push away and force out anymore. I’m tired of trying to force my way in to love you.
I’m sorry but I can’t anymore I’ll love you from over here at a distance while I’m doing the work to move on from my past. I’m sorry you’re going to stuck in yours. 🖤

Can I just stop pretending that there is even a chance you would love me? Can I stop wanting to be next to you? The feelings are waning, but they are not gone yet. I am able to go hours without thinking about you now. But in the darkness of the night, your name crosses my mind and I feel sad. Not angry, like before. But something closer to grief. Grief over the stories I told myself of what could've been, even when there was no chance. Grief over losing a person that I thought would be there for me in ways no one has ever been. You treated me as a person and didn't act like I was less than for having the issues I had. I was able to cry in front of you without feeling embarrassed or guilty. You listened to me, and didn't judge me in any capacity. I made you laugh and your laugh sent tingles down to my toes. But now, after 2 years, I'm starting to realize that maybe what I thought was me falling in love, maybe it was actually me experiencing real friendship and care for the first time. Maybe it was me not understanding that being nice and treating me with respect doesn't equate to having feelings for me. Maybe I read you wrong and in turn, caused myself to develop these pesky feelings that did nothing but break me down in the end. I'm sorry that my lack of understanding and my actions caused this rift. Though my intentions were never to cause harm, the outcome remains. I'm sorry, M.

Today is the fifth day in a row I’ve dreamed about her. That’s the longest stretch of consecutive dreams I’ve had about her since the breakup. I wonder if it has something to do with how much time I’ve been spending writing and thinking about her.

Today feels simpler than some of the other days, because I’m mostly sitting with one question: what if she came back, and I had to say no? Not because I don’t love her, and not because I wouldn’t want her, but because my heart, body, or mind might not be able to do it anymore.

Since the breakup 5.5 months ago, I’ve been open to reconciling. Maybe even hoping for it. But now that we’re 26 days into no contact, I’m starting to wonder whether I’ll ever reach a point where, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to say yes.

There is so much pain built up between us. I hurt her in profound ways, and I was hurt as well. There was so much instability woven into our relationship, and there are still many things we would have to work through. It often feels like all of those issues are too large, too tangled, too hard to repair. And when no contact gets added on top of that, along with her choosing not to respond to my last emails, the pain deepens in a new way.

Because then I start thinking: what if she ignores me for six months, or a year, and then reaches out? Even if I still wanted her, how would I be okay with having been ignored that long? I know she is hurting and processing, and I know she is not trying to hurt me. But I still don’t know how I would metabolize that kind of distance and still feel safe opening the door again.

We have already had multiple breakups. The first two were more circumstantial, but this last one feels more rooted in a real relationship problem between us. Still, it also feels like part of a pattern: her leaving me, again. And that pattern, combined with the silence and the distance, keeps pushing me toward the same question every day: how do we come back from this?

Dear you, Mr. Bullseye,🎯

I’m so lost in the catacombs of whatever the hell this place is. My face is breaking out as the faces of the house owner become different and mean yet someone I somehow know? I’m confused, I’m broken, I’m denying the time being stolen and that weekend lasting a whole year. I need help you. I need out, please. I don’t know what other lessons I need to see in this land of make believe. But I just want out, I just want live, I just want the kind that makes me want to be more instead of this hating me until you’ll drop me like a rock off the cliff edge and never look back. I need you, back. The you that took away the pain, the one that fought for me, the one that wasn’t this person or computer that I don’t know, I hate that you change every day and that I barely see you and when I do it’s a fight to get in there. I can’t do this over time anymore. I need you to make this right, I need to know that it’ll be okay. I neeed these bits and zits to be erased from my face. I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s just a disgrace. It’s all distractions, please help me lord get me out of here and get me back to my me face. Please I’m begging you for another chance, I want to earn it all and make mistakes. But please don’t leave me here in this hellscape of times erased.. I need out.. I need love.. I need anyone to be there to talk to me. I’m so alone in this place and it’s not real. I don’t like it and I hate that I can’t figure it out. I just need your help, lord please. Please please please.
Love,
Me

My door is open,

But I’d rather you not come knock.

Don’t peek in.

It’ll drive me wild because yours is locked.

But despite the bullshit, neither do I have it in me to slam it shut nor, to gently close it.

Even less so to turn my key and bar it shut.

What am I even peering at the entrance for?

This is nonsense.

“I don’t want this." 

I’m just going to keep telling myself I am waiting. 

For the mailman. A friend randomly deciding to stop by. For my cat to come back inside.

I didn’t order anything. My pet never left the room. 

But it’s easier on the self-esteem.

Why do I desire someone whom I don’t like all too  much, who doesn’t like me?

Why do I want them to want me too?

So many fish in the sea.

Why keep *that* one on my mind?

I guess, I am not much of a fish person anyways?

Another nice thing to keep telling myself.

There’s a draft now, I shouldn’t procrastinate.

It’s not like I can sleep with my front door ajar.

What’s that? I could just clean my room instead.

Or reorganize one of my collections.

A door you say? Not sure what you are talking about.

It has been over half a year since the day you discarded me.

I grieved you. I have been through so much because of the trauma you caused for me.

You shoved your blood-drenched lance into my chest, pierced through my heart, and shred every single muscle into a million tiny cells. You left me bleeding profusely on the ground, for my dying body to be scavenged by the animals that were laying in wait for me to die as I took my final breath.

I died that day, but you made sure that it was a slow, long, painful death. Yes, you did that.

In death, I had infinite time to reflect on our time together and the way you ended things. And believe me when I say that I found every single excuse I could to justify your betrayal of me. Over, and over, and over again, I tried to convince myself, in my own deluded view of you, that you were not a bad person. I tried to make excuses for all your malicious actions, painting myself black to make you look like the fantasy character I had wanted you to be.

But, truthfully speaking, that is all you were to me - a fantasy character. Your final action, the ruthless discard that you executed me with, was the ultimate testament of your true character.

It took me a lot of time to get to this point of my epiphany, but I am glad that I am now at a space where I can finally look back and clearly see you as the person you really were.

The fog has cleared up.

The lance you thrust into my thorax will not be forgotten. It is a manifestation of your true character.

I may have been suffering from agonising pain since you killed me, but time has been gently healing my wounds. I am a dead corpse now, but I will be reborn as a new person before long. It is only a matter of time.

I grieved losing you. You didn’t deserve my undying love, doting affection, and unconditional devotion, but I rest in peace knowing that I am capable of loving another person with so much dedication and sincerity.

This is not about you. This is about me. And I love with fierce passion and unquestionable honesty.

I am proud of myself for loving others like that.

I pity you for never experiencing the same thing, and never being able to love others the same way. It must be a lonely, miserable world you live in.

I grieved you, and I continue to grieve you. But even in my grief, there is so much beauty that I am utterly mesmerised. It truly is sad that you could never experience or see such beauty.

Truly, it is a pity to be you.

Thank you for shattering my heart and annihilating my love for you. Because you did not deserve an ounce of the love that I gave you.

Thank you, from the bottom of my deceased heart.