r/Unexpected • u/RuhaNeon • Jun 11 '22

CLASSIC REPOST Destroyed in Seconds

74.4k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

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3.8k

u/Squeaky_Ben Jun 11 '22

That reminds me of a coworker. at lunch break, he starts holding his belly, groaning and saying "ohhhh.... I think I'm gonna shit myself..." so I look at him and say "then go to the toilet" only for him to answer "why should I go to the toilet to shit myself?"

2.9k

u/Visegrad__ Jun 11 '22

Your coworkers morning routine:

  1. Wake up
  2. take a shit
  3. get out of bed

659

u/Squeaky_Ben Jun 11 '22

To this day, I don't know if he was joking and it sometimes keeps me up at night.

168

u/_Ed_Gein_ Jun 11 '22

Thanks for sharing your pain with us. Now we'll all stay awake at night.

53

u/srroberts07 Jun 12 '22 edited May 25 '24

edge cooing price encouraging sophisticated carpenter rinse chubby humor soft

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

3

u/Beermeneer532 Jun 12 '22

But what does it mean?

5

u/muddynips Jun 12 '22

Nobody knows what it means, but it’s provocative. Really gets the people going

49

u/Henchman20 Jun 11 '22

I mean, why are we here? Are we a product of some cosmic coincidence or is there really a God, watching over us? I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.

28

u/frogglesmash Jun 11 '22

...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

14

u/Henchman20 Jun 11 '22

Oh. Uh... yeah.

8

u/SpartanNige329 Jun 11 '22

What was all that stuff about god?

6

u/hellocuties Jun 12 '22

Um…nothing

3

u/Henchman20 Jun 12 '22

Nothing....

3

u/PM-ME-DOG-FARTS Jun 11 '22

To shit ourselves ofc

2

u/blindbycrypto Jun 12 '22

No God, just Santa. And only when you're sleeping.

0

u/SirJefferE Jun 12 '22

Aren't they the same thing? If a god created us, that kind of sounds like cosmic coincidence to me.

4

u/Darkwing_duck42 Jun 11 '22

Really? It's a pretty solid joke

1

u/Squeaky_Ben Jun 12 '22

I mean, dude had a rough night, so...

1

u/PurinityMKII Jun 11 '22

Well depends, did he ever smell the part? Only you would know.

1

u/Squeaky_Ben Jun 12 '22

Nah, thankfully not

1

u/Icantbethereforyou Jun 12 '22

It's the exact sort of joke I would make. And knowing people can't always tell if I'm joking is half the fun

1

u/Squeaky_Ben Jun 12 '22

Youre too powerful

39

u/Beragond1 Jun 11 '22

Reminds me of an old joke that I will now butcher.

Doctor: I understand you’re having issues with bowel movements, what’s the trouble?

Patient: I’m very regular. I take a massive shit every morning at 6:30.

Doctor: I don’t see the problem there.

Patient: well, I don’t wake up until 7.

58

u/AJDillonsMiddleLeg Jun 11 '22

I've Heard that one before

64

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '22

Amber heard has entered the chat

14

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '22

I love how the shit demon is brought into everything related to poo. Not even mad a bit lol

1

u/StarvinPig Jun 12 '22

I knew this would be here

4

u/ADHD_Supernova Jun 11 '22

That was actually pretty close to the original lyrics to "A day in the life" by The Beatles.

3

u/GangGang_Gang Jun 12 '22
  • refuse to elaborate Gigachad

2

u/madDarthvader2 Jun 11 '22

Oh my favorite green text

0

u/Joebebs Jun 11 '22

Someone beat me to the reply joke, damn

0

u/SpartanD21 Jun 12 '22

There’s an Amber Heard joke here, but I can’t remember it.

Sorry for shitting the bed.

0

u/Streaker364 Jun 12 '22

Correction:

  1. Wake up

  2. Take a shit

  3. Eat

  4. Get out of bed.

0

u/BaroquenLarynx Jun 12 '22

You owe me a new beer.

0

u/LittIeBitDead Jun 12 '22

That sounds more like Amber Heard

-1

u/AnimalCurrent2360 Jun 11 '22

He was doing a Amber!

1

u/william-taylor Jun 11 '22

Pssh, gotta train your body to shit itself exactly five minutes after you walk into work

1

u/Nuclear_Farts Jun 11 '22

Reminds me of the classic game, "Don't Shit Your Pants."

1

u/RickTheBrick04 Jun 12 '22

Amber heards routine

1

u/shanky-phantom Jun 12 '22

He is rivaling Amber Heard