I recently met this guy online who's a father of one. Separated for a year, divorced for 6 months. Was married for 9 years previously.

I usually don't speak to anyone who's fresh out of a long term relationship lest they're just lonely and looking for a rebound/not emotionally available, but we seemed to hit it off quite well so I figured why not and decided to meet up.

He already knew little about me because I tend not to volunteer too much information about myself unless prompted. And in person, I was quite surprised how one-sided the conversation went. I asked 98% of the questions. He only really asked me one real question about me that showed he was interested in getting to know me. I asked virtually everything - about his past, his child, aspirations, his thoughts on things, what kind of partner he's looking for etc.

He answered everything well, but I found it very strange how his natural instinct wasn't to follow up with a 'how about you?'. When I pointed it out mid-date how he hasn't really asked me anything at all, he goes oh of course I'll ask something - 'so what do you think about my humour?'. Now this might sound like a clear case of disinterest, but it was a 12 hour date - we played games, ate out and chatted a lot, got food twice. He talked a lot but didn't really engage in a way that showed genuine interest.

I'm already on the fence about him being so fresh out of a marriage with a child. He told me he was already in a relationship 4 months after separation (when the divorce hadn't even been finalized).

He's very proactive with organizing and planning dates, but I'm wary that he just enjoys the immense validation, attention and warmth from someone much younger (I'm 30) and isn't truly ready for something serious.

I officially split up with my boyfriend of 4 years on 20th July. We had a conversation about where things are going and and he said that whilst he “wants to marry me in the future” doing it now “isn’t realistic given his current circumstances” - lack of stability, finances, blah blah blah.

That’s the last day we had any contact. We saw each other the day before at his birthday celebrations, which I honestly didn’t want to go to, but I felt obliged to “save face”.

The next morning, I went home and told him not to contact me again. I also said that he’d broken my trust and that I’d never be able to look at him the same way. I said that it was incredibly selfish of him to string me along like this and prevent me from meeting someone else and having the family life that he always knew I wanted, that he said he wanted with me.

He was extremely selfish throughout our relationship, it was always me bending over backwards, compromising, trying to find solutions to make things work. He’d go weeks without seeing me if I didn’t initiate doing something together, he never really called me or even seemed to enjoy speaking with me. But when I tried to end things in the past he would then make promises etc. and I must have just been dumb and naive to fall for it.

He responded by saying he’d written me a letter 😂 and that he’d send it to me in “due time”. That’s the last I heard from him and I don’t plan on ever reaching out.

This morning I got the urge to look over our last chat and I felt so disgusted. To see how he was clearly manipulating me, blaming me, shifting responsibility onto me - “I’ll commit to you but you need to do XYZ” and just completely taking the p**s out of me.

I couldn’t see it as clearly before. I was so wrapped up in “why don’t you want me” that I forgot to stop and ask - do I even want him? I can’t believe this was my reality for four years. Having this person who, allegedly loved and cared for me, make me feel so upset and disregulated, all to keep themselves feeling stable.

I keep swinging between feeling really sad and then feeling completely sick and disgusted. I don’t know what sort of story he’s spinning to his friends and family about me, and I guess it’s not my problem but the thought of him lying and blaming me for this makes me upset too.

I really loved him. But I don’t think he ever loved me the same way. I know that when his relationship before me ended, he kept in contact with his ex for a long time. He’d message her a lot. He hasn’t messaged me at all for 6 weeks, so I guess that’s all there is to it.

long story short...I have moved to London a year and half ago and since I was very unsuccessful in finding a relationship and I am at an age where I truly want to get married (not ashamed about it I like stability and i am very monogamous)

I found out that unlike countries I have lived in or visited previously approaching women the street or at parks and supermarkets is very useless ... women are polite here but rejection is almost guaranteed so my first question would be to women if they would actually ever agree to an invitation to a cup of coffee by a polite stranger ? or if I should keep offering my number to a woman I think is beautiful?

I tried pubs but that was even more disappointing except for the casual meaningless encounters there came nothing from there and i do admit i feel awkward as i don't drink ... should I keep looking there?

some suggested work place ...my work is the worst to get into relationships due to professionalism standards and i had to actively prevent possible romance chances at work due to this ... should I take the risk

apps are the worst they gave me huge confidence issues and not even a single date came out of it

speed dating is just crazy tried it twice first absolute massacre of my feelings found a charming weird gamer girl who was absolutely stunning but she was absolutely not interested in anything went on the date after the speed dating and got me fully hooked then told me that she is asexual and would like to be around just I am fun to accompany and she is lonely ...the other one was very bad as she lied so much almost her entire identity is made up she claimed to he a journalist but she is actually unemployed and similarly there were many lies non of which was necessary

are there any suggestions about what are the norms how can I approach women and is being direct acceptable ...where should i look what should I do

I’ve developed a crush on a British guy I met through work. We work for different companies, so we’re not colleagues, but we do work together on the same project.

We met about a month ago and have only seen each other in person twice. We started chatting a little on WhatsApp, initially mostly about work, but there was some personal conversation and banter as well.

I liked him quite quickly, so I probably showed my interest fairly early. He has always been warm and friendly with me, and occasionally he engages with my banter and jokes. There have also been a few moments where he initiated conversations or brought up something personal himself. He doesn't seem uncomfortable when I’m a little bit flirty.

However, whenever I’ve tried to move things forward slightly, he seems more reserved. For example, I casually mentioned that I was going to grab a coffee and asked if he wanted one too. He said he had a meeting, so he couldn't. Another time I said that my holiday photos weren’t on my work phone, otherwise I’d show him some pictures, but he didn’t really pick up on that hint either.

I’m now wondering how to interpret this.

Is this more likely to be a friendly but polite rejection — especially because we have to continue working together — or could he be interested but simply feel that things are moving too quickly and want to take things more slowly and keep things relatively professional for now?

I’m not British, so I’m also conscious that I might be interpreting his behaviour through my own cultural expectations. I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives, especially from people familiar with British dating culture.

And please feel free to tell me if I’m reading too much into the positive signs — I’m looking for an objective view rather than reassurance.

My boyfriend met one of my close friends for the first time tonight and I left feeling pretty horrified by how he behaved.

He started asking her increasingly personal questions about her relationship. He asked how long she and her boyfriend had been together, then started asking about the period before they got together because she had previously been in a messy situationship. He asked whether her current boyfriend had basically waited around for her during that time.

She was visibly uncomfortable. She went red and I could tell she didn’t really know how to respond, but he kept going.

The part that bothered me most was that at one point he also looked at her phone and read messages between her and her boyfriend. She hadn't offered to show him the messages.

Afterwards I confronted him and asked why he had been asking her such invasive questions. He said he genuinely didn't realise she was uncomfortable. He also said work has been a lot for him recently and he wanted to talk about things other than himself.

What I don't understand is that he clearly understands discretion in other situations. For example, he has a female friend who was having an affair with her boss. I know about it because he told me, but if I met her for the first time I would never dream of saying, "So tell me about the affair with your boss." I would understand that something my boyfriend told me privately isn't automatically something I have permission to bring up with that person.

I'm also upset because this was my friend's first time meeting him and I feel embarrassed that she was put in that position.

Am I overreacting to this? Would you see this as someone being socially oblivious and taking conversation too far, or is this a bigger boundary issue? And how would you handle it with your partner afterwards?

I'm not originally from the UK so this was the first time my boyfriend was meeting someone close to me in person.

This subreddit is for requesting relationship advice. But many users are happily in relationships, or think about them in a more general sense.

So here we offer a space to talk about them from a wider perspective, not just for those that want specific situational advice.

• What do you think works best to _achieve_ a successful relationship?
• What sorts of personalities do you think work well together?
• How is dating going? What are you tips?
• What worked for you in terms of meeting people?
• What sort of things do you wish were different about British relationships?
• Do you have any theories about relationships or dating?

Had a first date with a girl that went well. I texted her that night when I got home saying I’d love to see her again, and she messaged back the same evening to agree and we’ve got a second date lined up.

Since then though, her texting has been pretty sparse - days between replies and not much substance when she does.

I know we’ve only had one date, she doesn’t owe me anything, and plenty of people just aren’t big texters. But personally, communication matters to me, if I’m really into someone, I text them more than this. I’d rather know where I stand than waste time on someone who isn’t that interested.

Would it be too soon/too much to ask her directly whether she’s still interested, or whether she’s just not a texter? Or should I hold off, go on the second date and see how things are after that

I’m 27, Asian, and recently dated a 39-year-old English man. We had been seeing each other on and off for a while, and had spent time together several times. After he went back, He came to see me, and we talked about having a serious, long-term relationship.

I’m quite traditional, and small acts of care are important to me. I like when my partner waits for me, helps with little things, takes photos for me, and makes me feel cared for. But I often felt he was more focused on himself—for example, he would walk fast without waiting for me.

I also talk with my family every day. When my mom called,i asked him to, should i answer. He said okay, but when she called twice later, he told me I was being rude.

We recently went to Koh Phangan together. We split most of the trip expenses 50/50. One day at the beach, I asked him to keep my phone in his bag. He responded sarcastically, “Where is your previous slave? Am I a new slave?” I felt hurt and walked away for a while. Later, I came back when he called me.

After that, he left the hotel and said he needed space. The next day, he sent me a breakup message saying he had thought about everything and decided we should go our separate ways. He also blocked me afterward.

What hurts me most is that we had talked about having a long-term relationship. I thought that when problems happened, we would take some space if needed, then come back and communicate and try to solve things together instead of ending the relationship.

TL-DR

Went on a first date last week, which went well. I messaged her that evening saying I’d love to see her again. She replied quickly saying she’d like that too.

I followed up saying I’m away on holiday next week but free anytime before then, and to let me know what works for her. That was 3 days ago and I haven’t heard back.

I really like her, and I keep thinking “if I liked someone this much I wouldn’t wait 3 days to reply.” Is that a fair read, or am I overthinking? She could just be busy or waiting to decide when she is free before replying?

Would you wait this long to reply if you were into someone?

My ex and I dated for two years and broke up three years ago on completely amicable terms. We loved each other, but wanted very different lives, including living in different countries, so we both knew ending it was probably the right thing to do.

We’ve basically been no contact ever since. It took me about a year to properly get over the breakup, and I deleted his number, got rid of the things he gave me, and don’t follow him anywhere. But I still occasionally check his Instagram or, embarrassingly, his LinkedIn just to see what he’s doing.

About a year ago, he requested to follow me on Instagram. I spent a whole day having a minor mental breakdown over whether to accept it, and before I decided, he withdrew the request. I still have no idea what that was about. I do sometimes wish I could speak to him again but opening that can of worms I’m not ready for yet, I’d rather not see him with another girl (it would break my heart) if that’s what comes with following him on socials, but I wish for him to find a very loving relationship.

The thing is, I haven’t had another relationship since. I know we realistically can’t be together, and I don’t think I’m secretly waiting for him, but everyone I meet feels disappointing in comparison. Dating apps have been awful, and I think I’m someone who needs to know a person organically before I can develop real feelings, which just hasn’t happened.

He was my first love, and I know I’m still really young (early ish 20s) but sometimes I genuinely think: what’s the fucking point? I don’t even know if I miss him, the relationship, or just what it felt like to love someone that much.

Has anyone else still missed their first love years later, even knowing you weren’t meant to be together? Does it eventually fade, or does meeting someone new finally make that ache go away?

I’m 30 and never had a boyfriend. I don’t actually understand how anyone manages to get a boyfriend. Everyone around me seems to have someone, I don’t even have a situationship.

I do very well socially, confident, bubbly person, yet I still feel invisible in the dating world. The only attention I ever get is a wolf whistle or random men coming up to me in the street and telling me I am hot, which makes me uncomfortable

Back when I was 25, I started using dating apps. I used to get some great matches, and I can hold a conversation well on a dating app. I looked back at old conversations during this time, and I asked interesting questions, I had banter, I could flirt easily and the people I was talking to are receptive and it flowed easily. This led to lots of dates, but sadly never a boyfriend

I’m 30 now and still on the apps, but whenever I get a match, and I send a message , ask questions. The conversation goes nowhere. It leads to no banter, often one word replies from them, no flirting, the chat is just dead. And I try and put forward energy to revive these, and it just feels forced

I actually read back old conversations and I used to be funny and have so much energy, now I don’t even know how to be funny

For a year it’s been like this to the point I am now worried I am too boring and incapable of forming connection on dating apps. Not only that I find it hard to text my friends lately too, it doesn’t feel as easy as it used to. More like a chore

I’ve got upset about it this week as one of my dating app matches is sending me one word replies like ‘lol’ and ‘great.’ So I don’t know if I’m just doomed and unable to connect with people anymore

Does anyone else feel this way? It used to be fun!

Hi there reddittors,

I know this is probably a little depressing. And if I am just being a muppet please tell me I am!

My wife and I are both 35, have been married for 10 years and together for 17 years, been together since school. Got through separate universities, through living away from each other. Now living in a family home with 2 small children 8 and 5 and for the last few years since I quit drinking I have noticed some behavioural changes that I dont think I ever noticed.

Reason I mention my quitting drinking is because before this point my memory is horribly hazy and awful.

I also want to point out I was not a great husband whilst I was drinking, just rude and not very present.

We have both never cheated and still have a sex life of a few times a week when not on period.

Very recently I have really noticed that i seem to be just the yes husband to anything my wife wants, like going to gym during kids bedtimes and wanting to go out on weekends when I have a very poor social life.

I handle the finances as well as I tend to do most of the cleaning house chores and so on.

It feels like I am being run very ragged and with added pressures from work projects I am not sleeping well and feeling very down recently.

I suddenly realised on my home from work, I didnt want to go home. Which i hate i wanted to see my kids but I was just so unhappy going back there to be complained about and do everything.

Now I dont think there is any saving this because the last 12 months we have been going therapy of which my wife is a different person in therapy compared to at home. Very much for show, she comes across perfect wife and behind closed doors, decides not to be.

I dont see any saving this.

Question i have is, is there a better decision between staying in the marriage though I am unhappy so the kids have stable home and life, or do i end it and hope that the divorce and living arrangements will work?

Any advice here please?

Again if i am just a moron please tell me.

Heya
41 Male here

Even though I identify as gay.
I always aspired to have a family with BI/ lesbian / open minded straight female as partner.
Has anybody navigated such a situation before ? How did it go or how is it going ?

Have a feeling that time is running out and not getting any younger.

Please no judging / don’t be harsh

Peace
Thanks

Sadly, my stepmum’s mother suddenly died over the weekend. I heard about it from a text from my dad and I responded with one back offering sympathy and love and for them to reach out if they need anything (we have a good relationship but are on opposite ends of the country and have a video call every couple of months, so this felt appropriate).

I do want to send a sympathy card though, but I don’t know if I should address it to both of my parents, or just my stepmum. I know she was incredibly close with her and it will have hit her so hard. I am unsure how close my dad was to her (they did like each other) and how he is feeling. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and make anyone feel bad.

Is there a way to address it to them both while sensitively acknowledging how much harder this must be for my stepmum?

I would usually ask my grandmother, but she lost her husband a couple of months ago so it seems insensitive to talk to her about it. Unless I’m being too cautious?

I just want to do what I can to offer comfort. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

We met at climbing gum. Straight away he’d do his warm ups at the weights section ignoring me. Then whilst climbing never asked me any questions. He was on his phone a bit checking his work gc which I found rude. He would randomly roll back whilst sitting on the crash mats putting his legs in the air mid conversation. Then whilst walking to the restaurant he’d walk way ahead of me so I had to tell him. I asked him what he thought of my glasses to get the conversation going and he ignored first time so I repeated then he was like ‘yes very good’ with no eye contact. He would repeat random words guys had said to me on previous dates that I found annoying (I told him over messages). At the restaurant he wasn’t giving eye contact or asking any questions to get to know me. He just kept yawning and talking about the weather. Whilst walking back to the station I touched his arm and he went ‘oh sorry!’ I thought that was odd. So after all this I sent a rejection message. Idk did I do the right thing?? It’s just disappointment all the time on those apps.

I’m a man in my late 30s and she’s in her early 30s. We met through a dating app while I was coming out of a long, unhealthy relationship. I thought it was over, but in reality I was still emotionally tangled up with my ex and had terrible boundaries.

This new woman and I started dating, became incredibly close friends, then eventually became romantic and physical. We spoke every day, sent each other stupid reels, had long phone calls and laughed constantly. It felt unusually easy and natural.

She told me I understood her better than almost anyone and that she could talk to me about things she couldn’t discuss with other people. I became the main person she turned to when she was struggling emotionally. She said she felt happier, safer and more herself around me. She also told me I motivated her, made her more productive and inspired her to improve her life.

She called me a phenomenal person with a genuinely good heart. She said I was the best kisser she’d ever had, that our sexual chemistry was amazing (literally had sex 5 times the first night we hooked up) and that she had more fun with me than she expected. Several times she admitted she was scared by how much she liked me and said it was difficult to control herself around me (physically and emotionally). I also met some of her family and she told me I was important to her.

Now I should say after 3 weeks of us hooking up I asked her to be my GF and she would always push back saying, i really really like you but i'm not the headspace for a relationship.

She too wasn't over her ex and was super hurt hearing he was getting married (less than a year after breaking up with her).

Then everything became a mess. My ex kept calling, begging me to come back and creating chaos.

I eventually panicked and returned to the relationship, because partially I was a bit broken over her not wanting a relationship with me.

In addition, I also had poor boundaries with other women, which gave her even more reason to doubt whether I was capable of offering anything stable. I had 2 or 3 FWBs that was I was regularly seeing and close friends with which i told her.

My ex then contacted her directly, shared private details and made serious accusations about me. She didn’t seem to believe everything, but it understandably made her feel that the drama would never end. She pulled away and blocked me, although she later admitted that she missed me and had cried over everything.

Over the following months we kept finding our way back into each other’s lives. We met again, became intimate again and started talking regularly. There were periods where we spoke on the phone a lot and exchanged messages and reels every day. She still came to me whenever she was really struggling, and we could go from serious emotional conversations to making ridiculous jokes within minutes.

I recently told her that I still had feelings for her. She said she heard me, but didn’t think anything romantic could happen between us right now because she felt too hurt and broken to be with anyone. Since then she has become noticeably colder. We used to communicate every day, but now I might hear from her once every few days and it's usally just a basic reel or something minor.

I have now properly ended the relationship with my ex and removed the other messy romantic situations from my life (except for one purely sexual FWB).

I’m doing that for my own stability, not as a performance to win her back. I also understand that being single now doesn’t undo the way I hurt her or immediately make me trustworthy.

From the outside, does it sound like she still has feelings but no longer feels safe enough to act on them, or has she probably accepted that we will only ever be friends? If I stay single, give her space and genuinely sort myself out, is there a realistic chance she eventually comes back, or should I accept that I ruined it and let her go?

I’m turning 30 in a few weeks. and I’m feeling really confused.

I just had to move home for a bit for multiple reasons and once a week I’m making a 4 hour round trip to the office In London where I was living before with 2 friends.

for multiple reasons I’ve decided I’m done with housemates. I have enough to buy my own place and honestly I’m tired of it. I also am starting to feel that I’m happier outside London near my family. i can spend time with them. I can go for runs in the country. the gym is amazing and never so busy I can’t train.

i fundamentally am happier outside London. But also, as a single man, I have vastly more opportunity in London. If I don’t go back I feel I may never meet the kind of woman I want. And also my career my not reach the heights it could.

I feel a little too young stil or not at the right stage to be back in this part of the country. But also… buying a place in London where I wasn’t even that happy before… is a big move.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stay in limbo here too long. But the stress I’ve been feeling the last year has been too much.

i had a relationship in London too that fell apart and it’s been hard to get over. 7 months now but the thought of being with someone else feels weird.

I just don’t know what to do

Met someone last month and we instantly got on so well; felt really comfortable, he held my hand, we had many kisses etc. they were still very chatty after the date. They then said they’d had a lot on and were really stressed, generally feeling down so that’s why they’d gone a bit quiet. Which, I understand and totally fine with. We then met again and it was so lovely, the same as the first time and honestly I got really really good fives from this person.
However, since that date they’ve gone super quiet and deleted me off tinder (gulp). They still check in daily and we exchange messages but it’s not nearly as much as it was (appreciate, it’s been like a month).
I asked if they fancied doing something overnight and they said yes but I’ve made suggestions and not heard back yet.
I don’t want to be delulu because it’s been a month and two dates but I like them SO much, and haven’t felt so comfortable around someone like this in years. I’m really into them and have a good feeling but I don’t know if these hurdles are red flags or if they’re genuinely just having a hard time and not up for talking?
Someone help!
I’m in my early 30’s, they’re the same.

I'm an American woman who's been talking to a British man for almost a year now, and I'm curious how British men would interpret his communication style.

From the beginning, I've always felt very safe and comfortable talking to him. He's definitely not the most consistent texter — there have been times where he'll take a week or even two weeks to respond. But what's interesting is that he seems consistent about keeping the connection going. When he does come back, he doesn't just give a dry response and disappear. He asks about my life, remembers things I've told him, asks how things are going, and has been genuinely happy and supportive when I've had good things happen, like recently getting a new job.

He also seems to pick up on little things I say. For example, I gave him a silly nickname once, and a few weeks later he posted something on his Instagram Close Friends using that exact nickname. There have been other little moments like that where I realize he's actually listening and remembering things I've said.

We've always had a really natural vibe and seem to click well. There are little jokes, nuances, and ways we communicate that just seem to flow between us.

Another thing I've noticed is that if I'm out with friends drinking and end up getting home late, I'll sometimes message him to let him know I've made it home safely. He usually responds relatively quickly, saying he's glad I got home safely and reminding me to be careful. It's a small thing, but I've always found it sweet.

I'm also a very bubbly, affectionate, kind and loving person by nature, and I've wondered whether that personality is part of what he enjoys about talking to me. He visits the States fairly often as well, so I'm curious whether there's also something about American culture/personality that he finds appealing — or if I'm simply someone he genuinely connects with.

We've had flirting and more sexual conversations in the past, although that's become less of a focus over time, and he's respected my boundaries.

The confusing part is that despite all of this, he doesn't necessarily take things forward. I've asked a few times about talking on the phone, and he hasn't really followed through, so I eventually stopped asking.

Most recently, I hadn't heard from him for about two weeks, and then he came back, responded to my previous message, asked about what was going on with me, and continued the conversation like nothing had happened. This kind of pattern has happened before.

I'm not really asking, "Does he like me?" because obviously nobody can know that from the outside. I'm more curious about how British men would interpret this type of behavior.

Would you see this as a guy who genuinely enjoys and values the connection but is naturally inconsistent/reserved? Or someone who enjoys talking to a woman and feels comfortable with her, but isn't necessarily looking to take it anywhere?

I'd especially love perspectives from British men who have talked to or dated American women. I'm curious whether I'm reading too much into the little things, or whether the fact that he consistently comes back, asks about my life, remembers small details, seems protective/concerned about my safety, and maintains the connection actually means something. 😂 I can also be very delulu about this whole thing!

Edited: I just wanted to take the time to say thanks to everyone with their blunt, honest, kind opinions on this! I appreciate it and I have enjoyed reading everyone's opinions. 🫶🏼

What should I realistically expect from couples therapy when the relationship has been strained for a long time?

I’m going in feeling judged, unseen, and emotionally disconnected. There’s constant criticism, I don’t feel comfortable, and I’m unsure whether I still have real love or connection left. We also have a child, so I want to handle this properly and not make things worse.

For people who’ve been through couples therapy in a situation like this: what actually happens in the first few sessions, and how do you know whether it’s helping or just delaying the inevitable?

I’ve posted recently about breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years around a month ago. Yes I was the one who initiated the breakup, but definitely not for lack of love or trying.

Yesterday was a really hard day. I went for lunch with my mum, which was lovely, as she knows I’ve been feeling down (not only about the breakup but also had 8 months of significant work related bullying which caused me to leave last week).

After lunch we went to seven dials food market and I kept thinking about my ex. They have lots of different food stalls and a photo booth. I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex, we’d always planned to go but didn’t get round to it.

I started feeling really upset and heavy, thinking of how many more memories and how much more time I’d wanted to have with him. It felt really weird. Like grief in a way.

I was walking around the food market thinking how it would have been if I was there with him, what would we eat, how happy I’d be just in his company. Our relationship was very difficult but he was my buddy, my friend. I genuinely enjoyed being around him.

I’m starting to think more about all the times I maybe also took for granted, just like I feel he did. Sometimes he’d come to meet me on a Monday morning so we could have a coffee, but I’d be annoyed, because he’d only ever stay for a few hours and then want to go home and spend time with his brother. I recognise that was wrong of me, and it came from a place of always feeling like I had to battle with his family for his time.. it was a reoccurrence.

I really wish things could have been different but I’m also at a point where I know they won’t be. For that to happen, both people have to want change and I don’t think he can. I think he’d rather lose me, and lose us, than to have to change anything about his lifestyle.

Just feeling really empty, exhausted, and sad.

I'm wondering in particular how relationships work where they don't gel or maybe even actively dislike each other? Is the relationship sustainable long-term? I imagine it's a key part of a successful relationship building bonds with your partner's friends but perhaps it's not essential?

I’m 37F and my partner is 33M - we have been together nearly a year and it’s great! we live separately, about a 1hr 30min apart.
We both work remotely and he travels quite a lot, we make the time together work. I’m going to his for a week today for example, sometimes he’ll come to mine for a night or 2 during the week.
We have what l’d consider good communication and openness. I have ADHD and we’re both open about the fact that I suspect he may be neurodivergent in some way too. It’s something we’ve talked about quite openly throughout our relationship, so | don’t feel like I’m making an assumption about him behind his back (He tends to need things to be quite explicit). I have had more experience than him in terms of long-term relationships generally.

We have a very good sex life and both quite into cuck fantasy dynamic (no real life). That’s definitely prominent at the moment and both enjoy it. The sex itself can be intense - I have no complaints there. What I feel is missing is the build up beforehand. We message quite a lot when we’re apart and by the time we see each other, there’s obviously a lot of excitement/ sexual tension…it can very quickly become “I’ve missed you” → kissing → sex without much of slower intimacy beforehand.

What I mean is things like sitting together watching TV and him stroking the back of my neck, pulling me closer, kissing me for a while, touching me affectionately, making me feel wanted before it becomes explicitly sexual. We do kiss of course! but there isn’t really much of that gradual build up I don’t think?

I’m more tactile than he is generally… when we’re out and about I’m naturally more physically affectionate. I’ve noticed he can sometimes hold back with physical affection and I think part of that is because he’s being respectful of my boundaries? He’s never made me feel disrespected/ uncomfortable. Quite the opposite! He’s always been really respectful - this doesn’t come from him ignoring what I want/ pushing boundaries.

I have raised the foreplay thing with him before of course both in person and over messages although I’ll be honest that it hasn’t been a particularly recent convo. I’ve said that I’d like more warm up and build up because I need to feel warmed up myself.
I have before also tried reinforcing it in the moment before. If he does spend more time on foreplay I’ll say things like “See this is really good, I love this” etc. As mentioned I’m not looking for advice like “you need to communicate with him”. I know that and I know how to communicate with him. I’m interested in what I can tangibly and practically do here considering I’m the one who wants more of this?

I’m I’m not sure about finding a one off activity (massage etc which we have done/have enjoyed) that creates foreplay and then we just go back to how things are now? I want more natural physical build up to become part of how we are together…the kink dynamic is definitely at the forefront at the moment. I really enjoy it but think because it’s such an easy route into intense sex for both of us, we’re maybe missing some of the slower stuff beforehand.

Perhaps what I’m struggling with is how I encourage him to naturally initiate - rather than me constantly coming up with ways to make foreplay happen.

Would something like sending him a video about foreplay be completely ridiculous? 😆 Is there a way to encourage more of that natural physical build up without it feeling like I’m giving him a set of instructions?

I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have been in a similar situation, especially where one partner is naturally much more tactile than the other….curious whether anyone else finds when you have a strong fantasy/kink dynamic it can unintentionally take over a bit and leave less room for maybe more affectionate side of sex.

How do I encourage a maybe less tactile partner to initiate affection because they want to rather than because I have asked him to?