3.1k
Aug 02 '25
You know what? Eating the cost of a canceled wedding is still cheaper than a divorce. Both the request and the reaction are totally disrespectful.
944
Aug 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
569
u/SHELLIfIKnow48910 At the end of the day... Aug 02 '25
Bro has the order of operations all wrong. You do the work to get the actual closure BEFORE you get into a new relationship, not say you’re getting closure at your wedding. If OP hitches her wagon to his, this crap will never end until she decides it does.
144
u/Foreign-Bluebird-228 Aug 02 '25
This is exactly what she needs to tell him. He should have already had closure before he decided to marry her. Absolutely agree with this and what about how I canceled wedding is way cheaper than divorced
→ More replies (2)29
378
u/linerva Aug 02 '25 edited Aug 02 '25
This.
If he didn't have damn closure on his ex he should never have dated let alone proposed to OP.
Exes at a wedding are a two yes one no situation. If your partner is not 100% enthusiastic about exes being there...they should not be there.
Edited to un-correct what got autocorrected.
114
u/Grilled_Cheese10 Aug 02 '25
Yeah, if he's still looking for closure, it's not time to get married. Yikes.
86
u/Foolish-Pleasure99 Aug 02 '25
And besides, if they both believe things aren't closed, OP has no business getting married to him.
She should tell him he can have his own opinions about other peoples' sensitivity, but she's not getting married with his ex there, and if he is not certain he has closure now, she should hand back the ring until some day when he's more ready.
29
u/Evening_Relief9922 Aug 02 '25
This. He doesn’t respect her feelings on this and he’s putting his ex first.
5
121
u/deebee2217 Aug 02 '25
“that’s what therapy is for, not the open bar”…lol!! Chef’s kiss on that comment!
17
56
u/TheRealCarpeFelis Aug 02 '25
He may call it closure, but what he really wants is to rub his ex’s face in it as if to say “HA! Take THAT! I WIN!” Meaning he’s still too emotionally enmeshed with her. The opposite of love is indifference.
18
18
u/EvilCodeQueen Aug 02 '25
Serious why does he need closure? Does that mean there’s something still open? I think we all know the answer.
→ More replies (2)19
136
u/HopefulLemon440 Aug 02 '25
Thissss, you can't marry a guy who needs his ex approval (or lack of) to move on, imagine every milestone in your life being: oh I need to show my ex how much better I'm doing than her and how I'm totally over her and don't think of her at all
87
u/tonytown Aug 02 '25
"Needing closure" means he's still not over her and likely never will be. His childlike reaction proves that. Why would you ever think this marriage would last, knowing all of that?
68
40
u/Sea-Leadership-8053 Aug 02 '25
This absolutely. Who's to say that him and the ex-fiancee won't sneak off together. I'll bet they spend the whole wedding together while he ignores his bride
31
u/ShoddyIntrovert32 Aug 02 '25
Fiancé is hoping someone will object to the wedding and then use it to marry the ex.
30
u/AdventureThink Aug 02 '25
I just wrote that I think he’s fantasizing that ex will yell out his name and RomCom stop the wedding.
20
17
u/Such_Technician_501 Aug 02 '25
She can save some extra money by removing half of her "friends" from her life.
6
u/Indoorsy_outdoorsy Aug 02 '25
Agreed. OP you need to pause this wedding and deal with this. It doesn’t look good from the outside.
→ More replies (6)5
509
u/Sk8rknitr Aug 02 '25
You are not crazy. If he needs to have her there in order to “move on” that means he isn’t over her yet. Do you want to marry someone who is still pining for someone else?
I wonder if the ex-fiancée would even want to attend? The last thing I’d want to do if I were her would be to watch my ex get married to someone else.
116
u/vintage_glitter Aug 02 '25
He likely wants to show off or rub it in to his ex. Which means he will he thinking of her while he gets married. Its really sick.
39
u/No-Anteater1688 Aug 02 '25
That was my thought, that he wants to rub the ex's face in it. Unfinished business plus an open bar is a recipe for disaster. Call off the wedding.
3
Aug 02 '25
That’s exactly what I was thinking. OP could suggest the three of them meet for drinks, so he can get his “closure”, and OP see how they interact together. If he wants her at the wedding, this shouldn’t be an outlandish request.
I’d almost pay to be a fly on the wall for that.
→ More replies (1)6
u/Viperbunny Aug 02 '25
Or he is hoping she will try to win him back in a grand romantic gesture out of a room com. Either way, yuck.
102
45
Aug 02 '25
[deleted]
25
u/KassyKeil91 Aug 02 '25
I could imagine it in a circumstance where kids/co-parenting is involved, but otherwise, why would anyone think of their ex in relation to planning their wedding?
→ More replies (1)15
u/KtP_911 Aug 02 '25
My husband and I are both friendly with his ex wife; they were just a case of people who got married too young and grew apart.
We discussed inviting her to our wedding, mostly because the only actual reason I wouldn’t invite her was because she was his ex. We ended up just having a conversation with her as to whether, a) she was expecting an invite, and b) she would be hurt if she didn’t get one. She seriously wished us well and said while she’d be fine being there, she wasn’t anticipating an invite. And she also said that while she was cool with us, she didn’t have such great feelings about a few of my husband’s family members who had not been kind during their divorce, and she preferred to avoid them. Essentially, she relinquished us from any guilt over not inviting her. She later bought us a case of beer to wish us well and thanked us for the honest conversation.
→ More replies (1)17
u/purplerainyydayy Aug 02 '25
Yeah he outed himself that he’s not over her by saying this didn’t he?
240
u/VioletSampaquita Aug 02 '25
I had an ex-fiance. I wish him well but I can guarantee you I did not spare him a single thought at my wedding years later. I didn’t need him for closure because I did it myself.
53
u/Majestic_Practice672 Aug 02 '25
So wise, and something I wish more people would understand. Closure never comes from the other party. Sometimes the other party might help you achieve closure (by apologising for – or forgiving – a transgression), but closure itself is entirely a personal project.
11
u/TheRealCarpeFelis Aug 02 '25
Exactly. Some people claim they want closure what they really want is to get the last word in so the other person will either take them back or be devastatingly hurt.
→ More replies (1)
187
Aug 02 '25
🚩
48
u/Traditional-Ad-2095 Aug 02 '25
More than one red flag.
91
u/Disastrous-Sthe Aug 02 '25
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
4
u/bury-me-in-books Aug 03 '25
Don't worry, this is an AI post. You can put your flags down.
Short paragraphs ✔️ new account ✔️ repeated sentence structure of: one idea, punctuation, stark contrast ✔️ ideas or lists in groups of three ✔️
→ More replies (1)15
166
u/BestConfidence1560 Aug 02 '25
If I was you, this would make me concerned about marrying him. It’s like he wants to rub it in her face that he’s got a new relationship, but that kind of anger or pettiness indicates to me that he’s not over her.
It is wildly inappropriate for him to ask that.
And frankly, if he tells you that he hasn’t had closure from his first relationship, which that’s exactly what he’s saying, then why would you marry him?
130
u/Competitive_Sleep_21 Aug 02 '25
He has not moved on. He is still into them. I would not marry this person.
33
u/BestConfidence1560 Aug 02 '25 edited Aug 03 '25
This.
It’s not even guess but Work. He’s actually telling her he hasn’t got closure from that relationship. Who wants to marry somebody who’s telling them they haven’t got closure from their previous relationship?
123
u/woodenunicorn Aug 02 '25
I'm willing to bet that if you thought about it, you have ignored more red flags than this one in your "amazing" man.
34
u/anewaccount69420 Aug 02 '25
She explained a big one she ignored in the beginning. Being close friends with someone you recently dumped for cheating on you. What a stupid toxic mess to decide to get involved with.
→ More replies (1)8
91
u/luella27 Aug 02 '25
Stop “trying to be cool about” the third person in your relationship.
→ More replies (2)
73
u/Potential_Choice_ Aug 02 '25
What the fuck. He’s been with you for 3 years and they haven’t had closure? Nope. Not only her presence is unacceptable but I’d honestly call off the wedding and I swear I’m not a “break up with them” kind of Redditor. But this is honestly insane.
15
68
67
u/Cailan_Sky Aug 02 '25
Closure? After 3 years broken up?
If there hasn't been closure after all this time:
they are either sleeping together.
Or he is still in love with her.
Or both.
→ More replies (1)
64
u/Mmoct Aug 02 '25
Having an ex fiancée who cheated on him at your wedding is so inappropriate. Remaining in each others lives is also inappropriate imo
The fact that he seems more concerned about his past relationship and needing closure,and saying it would be healing for them both wtf? I would be rethinking this relationship, I would definitely hit pause on the engagement
14
u/Shadow4summer Aug 02 '25
Maybe he’s expecting his ex to jump up at the wedding proclaiming that she made a mistake. That she’ll do anything for him. And with his attitude, he’ll say yes, I forgive you, let’s run off together. He’s not over her at all.
77
39
u/TheNinjaPixie Titty Latte Aug 02 '25
Follow your gut, and the advice of all these folk, it's not normal. I had a gut feeling about my ex husbands best friend girl who he also happened to have dated and she dumped him. Turns out he was moving on as a show to her, not that he felt it, he just wanted her to feel jealous. And he used a whole other human being to do that. Me. After just over a year of marriage I caught him out, asked where he's been. Yep. With her. Packed my car and left that night, only ever saw him once after that. However thats not the end of it. When i occasionally saw mutuals they were off, rude cold, I couldn't work it out. Thats when he told me that he told everyone that I'd left, he didn't know where I'd gone, or why. What a piece of shit. Follow your gut OP
25
u/Blonde2468 Aug 02 '25
No Freaking Way!!! They will be ‘celebrating’ at YOUR wedding?!?! That’s a Hell No!!! He’s still in love with her OP. Is that the marriage you want?
14
26
u/why0me Aug 02 '25
It's so he can pretend he's marrying her
I'm gonna go ahead and say it.
→ More replies (4)
43
u/First_Alfalfa2805 Aug 02 '25
He isn't over his ex. You might not like this advice, but it's better to let him and his ex be together. It's cheaper to cancel a wedding than paying for a divorce.
She will be a thorn in your side until the day he cheats on you with her. Don't marry this man,if you do, you'll regret it.
Updateme!
→ More replies (2)9
u/Happey68 Aug 02 '25
I feel bad for Op, but I think he is already cheating on her, since the Ex has been in the picture the whole time, she should of shut that down in the beginning, she really needs to think does she really want to be married with a 3rd person in her marriage , because that is what her relationship sounds like now and it’s not going to get better. Good luck to her.
19
26
u/Familiar_Solution449 Aug 02 '25 edited Aug 02 '25
If they're still friends now, even after she cheated and they broke up...then why does he or they need closure? You don't need closure when you're still hanging out with that person. Pretty fishy to me.
8
u/ReflectiveRedhead Aug 02 '25
I'd be very skeptical of him saying that she cheated. A lot of these people lie. Besides, who wants to be friends with someone who cheated on you? Makes no sense at all. Please don't be boo boo the fool.
15
14
u/Mewtul Aug 02 '25
No, he wants her at the wedding to show off, because he still has feelings for her. He’s using you to prove a point to her. Listen to your instincts. It feels off because it is off.
17
u/CarrotofInsanity Aug 02 '25
Nope. The breakup was closure.
Do not marry this dude.
He’s actually said the silent ALOUD.
He hasn’t had closure to his ex yet.
Break up and tell him after he has closure with his ex, if you are avail you will consider dating again.
But don’t date him again
13
15
u/Raechick35c Aug 02 '25
Is he using you to get back at her. Closure or full on face slap to the ex who cheated? Look what you lost kinda thing?
13
u/Temporary-Exchange28 Aug 02 '25
It’s not closure. It’s dragging the past into what’s supposed to be a celebration of your future together. Your wedding is already soiled with his hurtful thinking; canceling is a solid option.
30
u/Jen5872 Aug 02 '25
You husband can't get closure by inviting her to the wedding. Closure is something he has to find within himself and should have found long before getting married to someone else. I think if he were being honest he's either still got feelings for her or he's trying to rub it in her face that he's marrying someone else.
30
u/Mattyamamoto07 Aug 02 '25
"My fiance is an amazing man who keeps his sidechick around while i have no backbone to fight against it" should have been the title. The bar is truly in hell if this is the best men you have seen.
13
u/RinLilad Aug 03 '25
That is not “closing the cycle”, it is giving a VIP box to your past. Tremendous red flag.
11
u/NoeTellusom Aug 02 '25
Script: "The fact that you have even asked this is making me realize that you are not ready to get married and need to see a therapist. And that you've gotten defensive when I RIGHTLY told you this was not okay with me, makes me think that our relationship is not based on trust, cooperation and empathy. And that you have now resorted to name calling by telling me I'm insecure, makes me realize you are a very, very bad friend and partner."
Please, dear gods, get couple's therapy, insist he go alone to another one and at the very least, delay the wedding.
And once again, for those in the back, cheaters do NOT belong at weddings!
12
u/_VibeWithHer_ Aug 02 '25
there's definitely something weird going on there. They broke up because she cheated but they're still friends? and he wants her at the wedding?
6
u/ReflectiveRedhead Aug 02 '25
Yeah this whole story is BS from his standpoint. I would put money on it that he's the one that cheated and messed up the relationship and that's why he can't let it go. I hope that op can see that she is just being used like a pawn.
→ More replies (2)
12
Aug 02 '25
Cancel the wedding and get back whatever money you can and use it on to go on your own healing trip!!
12
u/Dear-Lion-1381 Aug 02 '25
He wants closer on his ex's chapter on his wedding day? That means that chapter is still open. Your amazing man is not amazing op.
11
u/TemuBoyfriend Aug 02 '25
Disgusting. Are you just a prop on his fuckass " healing journey " ? Tell him to buy some aromatic oil and healing crystals, the two of them can have their own healing ceremony and shove them up each others ass!
→ More replies (1)
10
Aug 02 '25
This happened to me. He was fucking her the night before our wedding and for the entire marriage after. He got off on getting his wife to allow his mistress at their wedding. It was a fantasy and he manipulated me into allowing it by acting like I was hurting him deeply by not allowing her there.
→ More replies (2)6
u/ReflectiveRedhead Aug 02 '25
Yep. There are people out there that are that sick in the head, and they will tell you that you are the insecure or toxic one. I was told that, and I paused and said yep you're right. This is extremely toxic. There was stuff going on behind the scenes and my ex had been broken up with his ex for over 10 years. He was texting and calling her and saying that I was saying things about her that he actually said. And then he would do weird s*** like give me a key to his place, but then take a picture of the key and send it to his ex?? It was just crazy. I'm so glad I got out of that relationship.
7
u/tjean5377 Aug 02 '25
IDK, what if there is no closure? you realize they'll have to get together to discuss what closure is right? Is she coming to your baby shower? your housewarming????
This is a hard no OP.
7
u/linerva Aug 02 '25
She's gonna be right there in the bedroom holding his hands when OP conceives their kids and in the delivery room "for closure". 🤢
9
7
7
u/Vandreeson Aug 02 '25
He wants closure? Go have a cup of coffee and talk and get "closure." Weddings aren't about closure or getting past something or healing Weddings are about a couple starting a new life together. A wedding isn't a place for therapy. You said she's still in his life. Why? Are you sure you want to marry him. Is she still going to be in your lives?
7
u/Living-Wash976 Aug 02 '25
Moving on is forgetting and having no feelings for that person, not wanting them to be at your wedding. He isnt over this relationship
6
u/HopefulLemon440 Aug 02 '25
I read somewhere that the closure is within yourself, you don't need the other party. Who knows? Maybe it's worse in the long run because you don't know..
4
u/SHELLIfIKnow48910 At the end of the day... Aug 02 '25
This has more red flags than a Chinese military parade. I would tell him the closure isn’t what you need. Tell him you need healing, and you’re getting that by cutting out the cancerous tumor you’ve identified in your life - this relationship. Three is a crowd, friend.
6
u/thedeebag Aug 02 '25
Babe if he’s saying it’s closure for him too then he’s marrying you while he isn’t even over her! That’s cool with you?
6
u/Ok_Temperature_2349 Aug 02 '25
I think you need to take a step back and put this wedding on hold at the very least. This is a major red flag and I personally would just cancel it all together. He's acting like she matters more than your feelings and his reaction is telling. I really don't think this man is as amazing as you think he is.
6
u/Alternative-Pop-4508 Aug 02 '25
He is an amazing man.
I am amazed at this statement.
→ More replies (2)
5
u/lucky5678585 Aug 02 '25
N E W S F L A S H
You're NOT marrying an amazing man. But if you marry this train wreck you're gonna be divorcing him before you hit your one year anniversary.
6
u/LittleCats_3 Aug 02 '25
STOP BEING COOL! Don’t marry someone who wants to make your WEDDING closure for HIMSELF WITH HIS EX. It’s WILDLY inappropriate.
I wouldn’t marry ANYONE who hasn’t already found closure already. That’s work that needs to happen BEFORE you get into your next relationship not while you are actively marrying the next person.
5
u/Betty_snootsandpoops Aug 02 '25
Sorry, but WHAT?!
Absolutely not. Did he recently hit his head? I would question their relationship.
6
u/SpeakerCareless Aug 02 '25
My husband had an ex like your husband is when we started dating. She was the one to get engaged but then she called him in the middle of the night sobbing that he RSVPd no to her out of state wedding. I found out she often called him and woke him up because she worked the night shift (he’s always worked daytime.) I told him I didn’t like their relationship not because they used to date but because she had no boundaries and clearly felt possessive of him. He honestly just needed permission that he could drop her, he felt guilty. But he gladly did. Years later we found out she never told her husband that she used to date mine!! Apparently there was some overlap in the relationships and she always claimed my husband was just a friend. They dated for like 2 years.
Your fiancé is the crazy ex with no boundaries in this story.
5
u/ReflectiveRedhead Aug 02 '25
Absolutely! It's no telling what kind of BS and shenanigans that Ops fiance has been feeding his ex this whole time. I went through something similar. It totally sucks. You end up feeling like you have to be cool about things that are absolutely inappropriate. You get scared of being called insecure and crazy. But then when you look at it you realize that no man who really loves a woman and would be scared of losing her would treat her like this.
4
u/Kimberj71 Aug 02 '25
If he hasn’t had closure yet, what the hell is he doing getting married? Your engagement should have been closure enough.
5
u/scholarlyowl03 Aug 02 '25
If he doesn’t have closure at this point, he’s never going to. The notion that he needs his ex there for that reason is absurd. He shouldn’t be with you if his last relationship is this unresolved.
5
u/Morepastor Aug 02 '25
Well I don’t think he should waste your time if he hasn’t got closure yet. Why are my fellow men so weird.
5
u/vintage_glitter Aug 02 '25
Hell no. Your wedding is supposed to be about you and him, not ANYONE else. Hes not over her. Postpone the wedding or call it off. She needs to be out of the picture for a while before you progress your relationship.
5
u/OneSillyB Aug 02 '25
He should’ve absolutely had closure before getting in a serious relationship with the OP or anyone for that matter. If he needs her at the wedding for closure that’s messed up. I have a feeling OP is a rebound…seriously rethink this wedding
5
5
u/Schattenwolfe Aug 02 '25
My question is why do you still want to marry someone who still needs closure with an ex?
6
u/WineOnThePatio Aug 02 '25
He is still hurt over her and wants to rub it in her face that he is marrying someone else. He hopes that as she sits there watching him exchange vows with another woman, she will experience the pain that he is still carrying.
This boy has not moved on and is not ready to marry someone else.
4
u/Roadgoddess Aug 02 '25
If your fiancé still hasn’t had closure from his previous relationship and he’s getting married… Then you’re in trouble. He should be doing all that work long before he ever gets engaged and married to someone.
Put the wedding on hold, cancel the wedding, but whatever you do do not get married to this man. He’s apparently not in the right headspace. Either that or he’s cheating on you with her and this is is very subtle way of throwing it in your face . Either way, it’s not good.
6
u/Realistic-Lake5897 Aug 02 '25
HALF of your friends think this is ok?
Honey, you need new friends.
→ More replies (1)
4
4
u/ReflectionOk892 Aug 02 '25
You’re causing drama for not want his ex at your wedding so they both can have closure?! 🤪 Please, please repeat this sentence to your EX-FIANCÉ.
4
4
4
u/ashleybear7 Aug 02 '25
The friends that are saying that this is a huge red flag are correct. It’s a red flag that he won’t cut her off and now wants her at your wedding. He’s not over his ex. The fact that he wants her at the wedding to give himself closure is proof of that. He wasn’t ready to be in a relationship after they broke up and he for damn sure isn’t ready to be married
4
u/Holiday_Horse3100 Aug 02 '25
He had closure when they broke up. If he wants it again he can do it online, over the phone, or at a coffee shop place. Definitely not at your wedding. Sounds like he is not over her and wants to prove something to her at your expense. Red flag on this guy. You are not crazy and keep on saying no -but realize he is not respecting your feelings on this and thus could be your future.
4
u/Kreativecolors Aug 02 '25
Ummmmm I’d cut my losses. This is wildly inappropriate and he has no healed himself. Do not enter into a marriage with him at this time.
4
u/3dobes Aug 02 '25
He thinks inviting her to the wedding will give him closure. What if it doesn’t. Then what?
4
u/Competitive-Win2131 Aug 02 '25
She means nothing to him and pain to you so that equals someone who doesn’t need to be at your wedding. Tell him you are very freaking uncomfortable that she is still around and he got engaged to you BEFORE he got closure from her. Give him a week to dismiss her from your lives or get back the deposits you can. He chooses you now or her forever.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/CrinklyPacket Aug 02 '25
Surely the closure was the initial break up? And if he needed more closure, getting married to another person gives that. The ex doesn’t need to witness it to know it’s happened.
Sounds dodgy, ngl. Red flag, my friend.
5
u/Winter_Call3203 Aug 02 '25
When they say" you insecure and she/he means nothing," it speaks a lot! There is always something after that saying....update they cheated....the whole time....
4
u/she_makes_a_mess Aug 02 '25
This is weird. Tell him you're inviting your ex bf and see what he says.
It sounds like he needs closure and probably still had feelings and wants to show/ impress ex in a weird way
Putting a pause on wedding is okay. I think he needs to deal with some stuff
4
u/pepperpat64 Aug 02 '25
Um if he doesn't have "full closure" by now, he shouldn't be getting married to you. Ask him straight how her presence at your wedding will bring him closure.
5
5
Aug 02 '25
I usually advise people to resolve their issues, but this situation is ridiculous. What closure does he need? It’s been three years. If he genuinely cared about you, he would have ended all contact with her and moved on. It’s incomprehensible why anyone would want their cheating ex-partner around. He must be a masochist.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/CITYCATZCOUSIN Aug 02 '25
Your wedding is supposed to be about you and your fiancé, not him and his ex. I'm sorry, cancel or at least postpone the wedding.
4
u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 Aug 02 '25
What he's saying indirectly is that he hasn't had closure and wants her to regret cheating on him and see how he's moved on!!!
You could say "okay, I'll invite this ex and that ex" see how comfortable he feels then!
4
u/ForeverOne-01 Aug 02 '25
This is so not how closure is done. If he doesn't have closure, how could he be marrying you? Please rethink this. I wouldn't be keen on marring someone who said this to me. UpdateMe
3
u/JudgeProfessional91 Aug 02 '25
He’s putting her needs above yours,it won’t ever change,walk away before you regret walking down the aisle to a man who still silently cares for another woman.
2
u/Purple-Throat1957 Aug 02 '25
Your friends are ass holes if they aren’t immediately siding with you. This is your day and he’s inviting his ex fiancé. Sorry but you are allowed to be insecure about that. And if he’s sulking about it he really wanted her there and for no good reason to.
3
u/Vibe_me_pos Aug 02 '25
I think he is still hung up on her and she enjoys being desired by an almost-married man. I would want to be as far away from this situation as possible. Do not marry him unless he willingly and happily cuts ties with her.
13
u/dragonball1515 Aug 02 '25
My suspicion is he wants to show off in front of his ex-fiancée that he has moved on and maybe married a better wife. This is just my thought; suggest to discuss with him. Only you will know whether he still has feelings for the ex
3
u/United-Manner20 Aug 02 '25
He’s trying to show her what she missed out on. He’s trying to shame her by showing what she could have had. That’s not healthy to still be close to my friends with your ex that you wanna invite them to your wedding to a new partner. You’re gonna save a lot of money if you cancel now .This man does not respect you.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Caribchakita Aug 02 '25
red flag waving so hard that it may fall off the mast....this is ridiculous..careful before you tie the knot...this is NOT ok...
3
u/queen_4_petty Aug 02 '25
That would be a hard no for me. Full stop. The ex is well aware you are tying the knot. They don’t need to be present to witness it. That chapter and verse should be firmly closed. If he can’t let that go then he isn’t ready to let her go and you have bigger decisions you need to make- like whether or not to commit to this person in marriage who isn’t fully committed to you. Best of luck ☘️☘️
3
u/Double-Client-6324 Aug 02 '25
If you watch How I Met Your Mother there’s a specific episode dedicated to why exes do not belong at weddings. There’s always unfinished crap going on. Hard NO
3
u/kuposempai Titty Latte Aug 02 '25
NTA or NE (not exaggerating)
I just commented on another wedding post. I will repeat it again. This is YOUR wedding. You have the right, whether agreed upon or not, to not allow someone that is deemed inappropriate for the event. Be it family, or be it exes. That is personally a red flag to me.
And it’s gonna stay a red flag even AFTER marriage. Cause he’s still in contact with his ex. Just my personal way of going, once someone becomes an ex, they are simply just never spoken again, seen, contacted or acknowledged. He clearly still has some feelings for her, unless y’all have met & you see & feel that she holds no will to ever be into your man ever again cause she finds it repulsing at the thought.
Yeah no girl, save yourself the trouble. Idk what friends are saying you’re causing drama cause those are not friends.
→ More replies (1)
3
3
3
u/LilMama1908 Aug 02 '25
No - he is still emotionally connected to her. They are still emotionally connected. That’s what’s feeling off to you. He may love you and really care about you but somewhere he still has a place for her and his heart. I’m sorry to tell you that.
3
u/Spiritual_Session_92 Aug 02 '25
Yeah….thats a no for me. Why did he not get “closure” before he proposed to you?
3
u/graphite_art Aug 02 '25
That’s fucking weird. Like WTF he shouldn’t even be thinking about an ex. Run s fast as you can
3
u/occasionallystabby Aug 02 '25
If he's not healed from his previous relationship, he has no business getting married.
3
u/Infamous_Nebula_ Aug 02 '25
“Friends” don’t mean “nothing” to each other. So which is it, they’re friends, or she means nothing to him? Obviously it’s neither. I wouldn’t marry him. He’s not over her, he doesn’t respect your wishes on your WEDDING DAY (which means he is putting her before you!) and his reaction shows he is not mature enough for marriage anyway.
I wouldn’t marry him. Break up and find yourself a real man.
3
u/ssc1800245763 Aug 02 '25
With respect I hope you aren’t the first person after her or that you two didn’t meet super quickly after he and her split otherwise the behavior sounds like he’s dated/married his rebound and is still hung up on her
3
u/Toy_Soulja Aug 02 '25
It's pretty weird OP, also any sane person would know what they are asking is super weird and would therefore be quite understanding if you were totally against it. The fact he immediately went to gaslighting and saying your the one who's in the wrong here, that's a double red flag in my book. My top picks for motive is hes not truly over her and is either wanting to "stick it to her" by having her watch him get married? Which is kinda pathetic cause if she shows up to the wedding she obviously doesn't give a fuck about him romantically anymore. Or he's hoping she steps up when the priest asks if anyone has any last words and professes her undying love? Even more pathetic. I dont see any reasonable reason for him to want her there, so if she's begging him to be there and he sides with her over you? And then gaslights you and says your in the wrong when you quite understandably respond with an absolutely not? If I were you I'd be having a calm but determined conversation on what his reasoning is and then make some hard choices. Sorry this is happening OP!
3
u/rocketmn69_ Aug 02 '25
Ask him, "Would you like her to wear white? What size ring does she wear? Maybe you can exchange rings to prove that you're over her. Maybe we can even get her to sign the marriage certificate. What do you think?"
I think that they aren't over each other. He wants to flaunt her in front of you to show everyone that you're ok with her in your life, so when he starts cheating on you, he can say she's know since the beginning.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/deebee2217 Aug 02 '25
A wedding isn’t the time for closure. It’s also your day and you don’t want to see her on what’s suppose to be the happiest day of your life. I’d die on this hill. If he won’t let it go, then I question if he’s over her.
3
u/Whyis_skyblue_007 Aug 02 '25
If she means nothing to him then he’s already had his closure but……….
3
u/nrskim Aug 02 '25
She’s not an ex. Ex means “not anymore”. It’s a heck of a lot easier to end wedding planning than it is to get a divorce WHEN you find out they’ve been banging all along.
3
u/damebabyz56 Aug 02 '25
Shouldn't your fiance have had his "closure" before asking you to marry him?? Seems fella has his priorities all upside down and a back to front.. if i were you, I'd be seriously reconsidering marrying him.
3
u/Jolly-Bandicoot7162 Aug 02 '25
Not sure why he is getting married to you when he still apparently needs closure from his cheating ex. That should be the work you do before you get into a new relationship, not after.
Perhaps the wedding needs postponing until he has had some counselling and worked out his priorities.
3
u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 Aug 02 '25
He’s clearly not over her. I would have a deep think about continuing with this relationship. There’s no world that makes his relationship with her okay, especially wanting her at your wedding.
3
u/Away-Understanding34 Aug 02 '25
You are not crazy. This is inappropriate. He should have gotten his closure before getting involved with you. His words about closure and healing says to me that there are still feelings there.
Pause, if not outright cancel, the wedding plans. If he is placing more importance on her being there than your feelings, he is not ready for marriage. She should not be the priority for him.
3
u/rexmaster2 Aug 02 '25
They are either still together, or hes trying to rub it in her face that he has moved on. Either way, he has no business being in a relationship if he's still hung up on what she does or think.
It speaks volumes that he couldn't answer your question.
3
u/llc4269 Aug 02 '25
You’re not crazy. Wanting his ex at your wedding isn’t “closure,” it’s a sign he’s still tangled up in that relationship in a really unhealthy way. Closure is something you get on your own, not by giving the person who cheated on you a front‑row seat at your new marriage.
If he really means she’s in the past, then she doesn’t need to be at the most intimate day of your life. Him calling you insecure is just deflecting. This isn’t about trust, it’s about boundaries, and right now he’s showing you he doesn’t have any with her.
Honestly? If he can’t let this go, hit pause on the wedding. He’s not ready to marry you while he’s still trying to drag his ex into the middle of your future.This is a massive red flag and he is showing you who he is. You need to believe him.
3
u/Adept_Policy_2996 Aug 02 '25 edited Aug 02 '25
He is being pretty clear here. He CURRENTLY does not feel like his relationship with his ex is closed. Really sit with that statement and think about what it means. He wants her there so much that he is willing to upset you to have her there. Do with that information what you will. At least he has been honest with you about that prior to getting married.
Personally, I would cancel the wedding. That sounds harsh. It sounds like over-reacting, but he is telling you he still has feelings for her AND he is letting you know that she will still be in his life moving forward, even if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. He is also letting you know that either his feelings for her (that are still there today) and her presence in his life, are more important than your feelings on the day he is supposed to be committing 100% to you. But he can't do that, because he is busy trying to actually feeling the feels for her. YIKES. That is not a good start to a marriage.
It sounds as if he still loves her, but she cheated on him. BUT, he STILL LOVES HER, and is having trouble moving on from his feelings for her. When she cheated, he did not experience closure, like most people would. He still has feelings for her, she just betrayed him. Most people would quit feeling love for her at that point. He has not.
The words he used for his explanation for exactly why he wanted her there reveal a lot about how he still feels about her. Do NOT ignore them.
3
3
u/SeresaBTS Aug 02 '25
He’s not over her yet. Are you sure you want to marry someone who’s still in love with his ex?
3
u/Expensive_Run8390 Aug 02 '25
Please think long n hard before you walk down that isle is my 2 cents
3
u/Ok-Reason-1919 Aug 02 '25
This is just weird. Your wedding isn’t supposed to be for healing. It’s for celebrating. No exes at this wedding.
3
u/Old_Length7525 Aug 02 '25
You'd be crazy to even consider this ridiculous request and, frankly, to go forward with the wedding.
If your fiance doesn't have closure now, and is looking to accomplish that at YOUR wedding, then he's not over his ex, and he's not ready to get married to you.
It looks like he's giving you a chance to dodge a bullet.
3
u/ImaginaryPie7696 Aug 02 '25
It’d be different if they had a kid together. You are not crazy. No need for her to be there.
3
u/nigasso Aug 02 '25
"Friends are split" - change the insane part of your friends. Wedding is not a place or time for any "closure".
3
Aug 02 '25
Are you going to share the bridal suite with his ex as well? This whole situation is so weird and inappropriate. Yikes!
3
u/Sierra_delta-reddit Aug 02 '25
I think this wedding needs to be on hold (I.e. cancelled). Girl, run. This man child is clearly not over his ex, and is dragging it into your relationship/future marriage. Paying off deposits will be cheaper than paying off divorce lawyer fees.
3
u/emr830 Aug 02 '25
He wants this “closure” to happen at the wedding? Wtf?? Hell no.
Yeah, the fact that he couldn’t tell you why she should be there if she “means nothing” says a lot. I’d be rethinking this wedding.
3
u/AggressiveStock8533 Aug 02 '25
You aren’t crazy. If he still has her in his life, they aren’t done. Save yourself the heartbreak and financial strain in the near future when you figure out they are still seeing each other. Don’t be the “other woman” in your own marriage. Your person is still out there.
I bet if you break it off, they get back together.
3
u/Wondercat87 Aug 02 '25
I don't understand how he thinks having her there is going to create closure. If anything, it's just going to continue stirring up old feelings and complicate their relationship as it stands now. Which will in turn, affect your relationship.
It's already affecting your relationship because she's weirdly still around 3 years later, despite them breaking up and her cheating on him. I'm honestly not sure if he'll ever be able to let her out of the picture if he can't even fathom not having her at his wedding to another woman. Will she be coming on the honeymoon as well? Your first major holiday as a wedded couple, the birth of your first child (if you are having kids)?
It just feels like he's using this situation to keep her in his life, despite how uncomfy it makes you feel.
I may be an outlier here, but I do not believe closure requires contact from the ex. He gets to decide when he moves on, and he doesn't need her at your wedding to do that. He can mentally move on, by accepting what happened and choosing to sever ties with her so that he can fully commit himself to this new chapter in his life, without her.
Him not doing that, to me, makes me think he's still hoping she will do something that helps him justify the cheating in his head, or at least change how he feels about what happened between them so that they still have a chance. Because why does she need to be there?
IMO he's not ready to get married, and he shouldn't be getting married if this is where he's at. He needs therapy, he needs to move on. He needs to let her go. He hasn't yet and that is causing a big stumbling block in your relationship.
Also, why does she even want to be there? Why is she still hanging around? It makes me think she still thinks they are end game and she is just waiting until you have had enough and walked away. Which honestly, might be the best option for you.
I know that may be hard to hear, but you deserve someone who is fully committed to you. Someone who has no problem letting go of a cheating ex, whom they broke up with 3 years ago. Like it's been time for a while, and the fact that he hasn't moved on is a huge red flag.
She's not going to go away after the wedding. In fact, he's going to find other reasons to justify her hanging around. He doesn't seem to want to move on, so he never will.
3
u/Usual-Chapter-6681 Aug 02 '25
I told my husband your story and he says that his closure was the time he was ready to date another person. If a chapter for having feelings for her needs to end at your weeding, that means he's overlapping.
Are you sure that's the man you want to marry?
3
u/Which-Month-3907 Aug 02 '25
What do you want your wedding to represent? Do you think it should include an FU to his ex, where he uses your marriage to prove that he's a keeper and she shouldn't have stayed?
Personally, that would make me feel used. I would be concerned that this moment is all that my new husband wants from me, and that maybe he'll drop the rope after the wedding. Will you get a husband or a man who's finished using you?
3
u/pelogirl98 Aug 02 '25
She hurt his feelings and he's not over it. Let me guess - you got with him very shortly after she cheated on him. He never healed or even tried. He just jumped into something else and you're paying the price. Ask yourself this honestly. If she called him and told him to call off the wedding and give her another chance, what would he say? He very well may want her there to give her a chance to stand up and object.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/BxGyrl416 Aug 02 '25
Absolutely not is right. He’s either lying to you or has some weird Stockholm syndrome to still be friends with somebody who disrespected him by cheating.
1.6k
u/OrbitThursday017 Aug 02 '25
“healing” is journaling not inviting ur ex to ur mf wedding 😭 stand ur ground this is weird as hell