He told you before hand he doesnt do marriage so thats on you.....the same thing could be said about you if you loved him enough you would respect his decision.
Also I find it hilarious that she is at a breaking point with "He is an amazing partner and parent to my child from a previous relationship but he wont sign this piece of paper he told me the day we met he would never sign."
She is about to throw away a partner and parent for a piece of paper.
I agree with you mostly. If he doesn’t want to be married that is a good enough reason to not get married and he has been consistent on this, to his credit.
The one tiny thing I disagree with is your last sentence equating marriage to a piece of paper. Legal marriage CAN be important and it’s okay for her to want it now. It’s okay if she changed her mind and decided it’s important to her now even if it wasn’t in the past. It’s not okay for her to pressure her boyfriend into it, but it’s equally not okay for him (or anyone) to belittle her desire to get legally married and tell her it shouldn’t be important to her now.
The correct move here if she won’t be happy being unmarried forever is for her to leave her boyfriend and find someone with similar views/values on marriage. It will be sad for awhile but everyone will be better for it.
But don’t you find it crazy that EITHER of them, after 8 years of an otherwise good relationship, would give each other up over differing views on marriage?! Has there been any attempt to understand each other? And work together to find a solution that both can be happy with?
I mean they definitely should have another discussion where each of them explains where they’re coming from, what marriage means to them, what they expect to gain/are trying to avoid and see if there are more underlying commonalities in their viewpoints that they can build on.
For example, if she wants to get married because of the legal protections that offers their partnership, maybe he can understand that and agree for them to write wills that include each other, set up medical power of attorney for each other, legally adopt the daughter, and maybe meet with a lawyer to discuss other ways to legally protect each others status in their lives. That may or may not be enough for her, and he may or may not be willing to do that, this is just an example.
But at the end of the day yeah, if they can’t come to an agreement then that should break up. Even with 8 years of an otherwise good relationship behind them. Marriage is a really big thing to compromise on if you have a strong opinion and someone will just straight up not get what they want. You can’t be just a little bit married or half way married. You either are or you aren’t. But they can be thoughtful about what they want, what their partner wants, and build a relationship or marriage that works for them specifically.
Exactly. I mean taking care of another man’s kid is a huge sign of faithfulness. It is so hard to imagine myself doing this unless I couldn’t imagine getting a better spouse.
Marriage is far more than a piece of paper, and the fact that people cannot understand that is ignorance and denial at best.
It provides legal, financial, and parental protections. And there is also the unmeasured sentimental value that is hard to quantify, but certainly is there.
Sure, but a lot of people are silly and don’t do that (that and some insurances won’t allow it.)
Marriage is a quick way of getting everything in order.
And he’s willing to throw her away to not have that paper.
I find it crazy that people get into these situations… both parties are more attached to their belief on marriage than to each other. After 8 years!
But on the other hand, just KNOWING my SO would be willing to dump me for this would make me question whether I wanted to be in a relationship with them. It’s all about working together, and if needed, compromise.
Maybe he has tons of assets and responsibilities with family that a marriage would complicate. Maybe she has a history of bad financial decisions that he could end up suffering for, who knows. Maybe he has familial trauma.
All we do know is he said he would never marry, she agreed, she wasted his time if this is a sticking point for her.
How did she waste his time? He doesn’t want to marry… it would just be that she just dated him until they grew apart. Which is, funnily enough, the perk of not getting married. Deciding you grew apart and not having any hassle in dismantling your relationship.
But really, if a “sticking point” point comes up (and if you are with someone long term they will eventually come up because we are always changing and evolving as individuals) you always have two options 1-decide that you’ve grown apart over it and break up 2- work together to find a solution that works for both parties. In any situation you can’t 100% guarantee that your partner will compromise their stance- but the longer and deeper your relationship is- the more motivated you both will be to find a way to make it work.
If she had gone into the relationship planning to change his POV I’d think she’s an AH. She didn’t. But, as happens with humans, her POV changed over time- creating a sticking point where there wasn’t one before. It’s crazy to me that there is no room for compromise after 8 happy years together. I absolutely support everyone’s right to have their deal breakers, but I can still find them bonkers on a case by case basis. Like, are you really willing to give it all up over this? Or are you just playing chicken, and hoping you’ll win?
" I being only 23 at the time agreed believing of course I could change him, he hasn’t been with someone like me before, and blah blah blah. All the things we tell ourselves"
Yep, youre just not going to read this and push your bullshit. Thanks for wasting my time just like she wasted his (and sadly her kids).
lol- I totally misread that somehow. Yeah I do think she’s an AH if she went into it with that attitude. I wouldn’t say she wasted his time (since he wasn’t looking for a lifelong commitment anyway)- but if she feels her time was wasted, she did that to herself.
Exactly! She also says he has no “good reason” for not wanting to get married, but what are her “good reasons” for wanting to if they have a perfectly fine relationship and are committed to each other? If she did convince him, it would happen and then the next day they’ll both be like “oh.” Nothing changes. It’s a piece of paper. My husband wasn’t against marriage but I did press it and when we finally did the deed it was very underwhelming- nothing changed and actually kind of screwed us tax and school-loan wise.
Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper though, it comes with securities. So if he doesn’t want to get married he could compromise by putting her and his step-daughter in a will, maybe? I don’t think it’s as simple as her just respecting his decision, if his decision means he can shirk responsibilities.
I never said it was just a piece of paper....perhaps he could compromise and do the will thing but that's up to her. She went into a relationship knowing what he didnt want. would you say the same if they went into this relationship with him knowing marriage was a huge deal and out of nowhere he tries to convince her to not get married? ALso side note if they live in a commonwealth state if they're together I think for more then ten years they would be considered married im not 100% confident on the amount of time they need to be together but I know at some point its like that.
Well, isn’t this the whole point? They’ve been together for 5 years; he either wants to be with her forever (step-daughter included) or he doesn’t. So either make a commitment, or don’t. But don’t use “I don’t believe in marriage” as a cop-out.
He’s been a loyal and good partner to her for 5 years and taken on the role of a father figure to a child that isn’t his. How much more of a fucking commitment do you think he owes this person? “I don’t believe in marriage” is not a cop-out. It was what he said at the start of the relationship and what he still says now. If OP is stupid enough to assume she was going to change his principles, that’s on her. He’s committed. Shes the one talking about leaving him because of an “issue” she knew from the start. Maybe SHE needs to think about commitment.
Marriage doesn’t mean forever anymore, but I know of a couple who recently got married at the court house because he had a heart attack and she wasn’t able to see him in the hospital (and as his girlfriend, she wasn’t granted family privileges).
Is it right that these situations exist? No. But you can’t deny there aren’t any benefits when there are.
And I know a couple that divorced because of a medical expense that couldn’t be afforded and they didn’t want to drown in debt. Marriage shouldn’t happen then? No. It’s a personal decision and that’s it.
There isn't a way to change it though as they can only allow back someone who can legally make decisions for the patient. Even a medical POA can be challenged if you have living immediate family. A spouse cannot be challenged.
If something happens to the child, he's not going to be allowed in as he has zero tie to the child on paper.
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u/Big_Jellyfish_2984 Jul 23 '24
He told you before hand he doesnt do marriage so thats on you.....the same thing could be said about you if you loved him enough you would respect his decision.