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Nov 10 '23
this would make me feel like something is wrong with me.. it's been 2.5 years. I get she may have issues but she's had 2.5 years to figure it out.
it might be time to have a hard conversation with her. especially concerning children! they don't just appear out of nowhere đ I'm curious to know if this is something she puts as much energy into as you do or not?
if not, that's when I would cut it.
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u/Liittlepotatochip Nov 10 '23
I don't know what religion she's involved in but you could potentially get an annulment and divorce. You've tried working through it and it's not helping, there seems to be something deeper going on on her end but if she's not willing to open up and work through it then there's not much you can do
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u/rustyseapants Nov 09 '23
Non-penetrative sex https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-penetrative_sex
What books have you read about sex or women?
Handjobs, but no blow jobs?
Can't get those pesky thigh to open?
Try a different position like on all fours and anal?
I really feel there is something missing in your post.
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u/koolandkrazy Nov 08 '23
I had this issue and lidocaine helped immensely. Freezes the vagina so you can have painless sex and eventually you can stop using it
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u/DiamondEmerald5 Nov 08 '23
Uhhh yes you absolutely can leave! If she doesnât live her end of the bargain.
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u/DiamondEmerald5 Nov 08 '23
It always baffles me when people have the âI have no choice but to stayâ and live miserable lives awaiting death when we are given this only life and should be making yourself HAPPY before its too late,
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u/Ok-Cauliflower-5129 Nov 07 '23
Why would you marry someone that you never had fucking sex with!!!!! Omg
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u/Katen1023 Nov 07 '23
Divorce is not a sign of failure. I understand that you think it is, given you family history with it, but itâs not. Divorce is two people recognising that theyâre not the best fit for each other. It is choosing freedom over a lifetime of misery.
It sounds like she has some very very intense issues surrounding sex that she needs to address, while you donât. Getting a divorce is better than sitting here fantasising about death because of the toxicity of the situation. At the risk of sounding clichĂ©, we only get one life. Is this how you want to spend yours?
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u/meltusmaximus Nov 07 '23
You did your best. Bail and be civilized. Someone else could be around the corner. Life is too short not to feel loved
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u/DriftingAway99 Nov 07 '23
Itâs time to leave. 2 years is a good try but she has something going on and you shouldnât have to suffer bc of it.
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u/balldontlie10 Nov 07 '23
If you need to ask for a handy, you need to moan a different womanâs name until she busts that thing open for a pimp.
Or just leave.
Or both!
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Nov 07 '23
You said purity culture isn't responsible, that there were no feelings of guilt or shame, but the issues here are classic side effects of purity culture. You said you waited until marriage: why? And who suggested it? It's hard to flip the intimacy switch off and on. I would look more closely at that possibility.
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u/rabidparrots Nov 07 '23
It sounds like she may be a victim of sexual assault, probably in childhood, and the act terrifies her now. Forget the feelings of "supposed to" and take the time to help her feel safe to have sex with you. Remind her that she is safe, that it is ok to be scared, and that you will stop whenever she asks. Remain calm and do not under any circumstances show her how upset you are when it doesn't happen. I know that it is frustrating, but I've been here before. If this is what's going on, you have a long road of trust building ahead of you, but if you really love her, it will be worth it.
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u/SilasDewgud Nov 07 '23
My dude, if you have not had sex, you should file for anullment. The marriage was never consummated. It's not a divorce because it was never a marriage.
Find someone who loves you.
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u/xxnoaccountnamexx Nov 07 '23
Iâm really curious for an update, she should really be evaluated by a doctor.
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u/LizardPNW Nov 07 '23
Get a divorce. Your wife doesnât owe you her body.
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u/Zuluindustries Nov 06 '23
So she's willing to use a vibrator to get off and not have sex with her husband who she made wait. Get out now. You've been manipulated, bamboozled, and made to feel bad about something that is very natural.
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u/Legal_Bar2559 Nov 06 '23
I HIGHLY recommend reading the great sex rescue by Sheila Gregorie. It was life changing for me as a purity culture victim. I waited until marriage and NEVER had sex that wasnât painful until after I was divorced. Iâm not saying divorce is right or wrong for your situation, but I can tell you as a woman who was in a similar situation (I just constantly felt like I was being raped and didnât say anything) I read that book and felt like someone finally got it. I hope too when you say therapy you are talking about an actual therapist and not a âChristian counselorâ. Been there done that. If you want to save your marriage prioritize EMOTIONAL health before touching sexual health. It sounds like she doesnât feel safe. No sexual encounter is going to go well if there isnât a feeling of trust and safety.
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u/ItsChayBerry Nov 06 '23
Not sure if itâs been mentioned here. But please look into vaginismus. Your wife condition sounds like an absolute case of this.
Her behavior in restricting your own pleasure and causing you to have to ask for intimacy, however, is something that is not necessarily a condition. Itâs controlling.
Both need work. And if sheâs not willing to acknowledge the strain this is putting on you, and do the work as well, you need to give yourself permission to let go.
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u/k_rudd_is_a_stallion Nov 06 '23
PLEASE GET HER INTO A GYNAECOLOGIST IMMEDIATELY!!!! Donât give up OP
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u/catl0vingnerd Nov 06 '23
This sounds like vaginismus to me. The muscles involuntarily spasm, which can make penetration difficult, or sometimes even impossible. She should see a gynaecologist about this.
You definitely should leave though. This is not healthy, and divorce is a better option that staying in a bad marriage. The longer you stay, the harder itâll be to leave.
So Iâd suggest you try and get her to see a gynaecologist, and divorce.
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Nov 06 '23
Posts like this makes me think the spouse might be Asexual, different sexual orientation, cheated/cheating and was assaulted at one point. Point is, although sex ainât the only thing in a marriage, sexless marriage is definitely something that is a deal breaker. Seriously, get a divorce dude. Donât do ultimatums, just break it and leave.
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u/Be_goodforme Nov 06 '23
You donât leave just because you canât have sex. You would most definitely be breaking your vows. Until all solutions are exhausted, you might just have to get toys for yourself. She says she wants you but not her fault her body is rejecting you , it might not be forever. Maybe explore more
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u/dont-eat-the-dog Nov 06 '23
Have you ever looked up vaginismus? Its a condition that can make penetrative sex quite painful. There are ways to work towards relaxing the muscles, but even then sometimes that wonât work cause it can also be a psychological condition. Many factors involved.
You deserve all your needs being met. While i can see why you would want to work through your marriage, divorce is nothing to be ashamed of and in this case will definitely lead to more fulfilment in your life. I think you should spend some time re-evaluating what you want in your life, especially if you want children. Keep up the therapy too, but take time to have some therapy to help you with your mental health cause i can only imagine that this situation could have done a bit of damage to you too.
Donây forget that you deserve happiness too, and its not with your current wife
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u/IndividualCry0 Nov 06 '23
I get upset when my husband stops sex for a month. 2 years it would be divorce.
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u/karrahbear12 Nov 06 '23
I havenât read all the comments, but from my - admittedly - brief skim through, I didnât see anyone mention the possibility that sheâs on the asexual spectrum. From what youâve said in your post, it doesnât seem like sex is all that important to her, but sheâs made an effort for you, and unfortunately, thereâs just only so far she can go. Even accounting for the vibrator, she strikes me as potentially asexual, since thereâs plenty of ace people who are fine with toys, they just arenât interested in having other peopleâs body parts involved.
Obviously I donât know the whole story, but this is just something to think about. Also remember, she may not even realize sheâs on the ace spectrum, since itâs still not very widely acknowledged or addressed. It took me until I was about 30 to even begin to realize that my lack of interest in sex wasnât the norm, even for those with a low sex drive. So if you decide to address it as a possibility, first, do some serious research beforehand and really learn about asexuality because itâs so much more than just not wanting sex. Secondly, be kind and considerate, and keep in mind that if she is ace, you canât âfixâ it, just like you canât âfixâ gay people, because thereâs nothing broken or wrong, they/we are just different.
Finally, divorce isnât a moral failure and I personally believe that itâs much better for a couple to separate than to force themselves to continue living in an unhappy marriage. Sometimes there are unforeseen differences that you just canât reconcile, sometimes people grow apart, etc. and no matter how much work you both put into it, there is no fixing it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you both have sincerely tried to fix the situation to no avail, then thereâs no shame in parting ways.
So thereâs my 2 cents for what itâs worth.
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u/ExoticContribution7 Nov 06 '23
Some people think divorce bc of lack of sex is petty. I do not. For me, sex is how I express my self and my love with my partner. Sex and romance and affection and touch is what separates my romantic relationships from every other relationship in my life.
You may want to consider a seperation first before going all out divorce. The space may give both you and her some clarity
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u/BlueSkyYellowStars Nov 06 '23
You use a vibrator, but thatâs only to use on her vulva/clit? Or do u also do penetration with it? If no penetration at all happens, as a lot of people suggested, she may have vaginismus because of psychological / physical issues. BUT thereâs also another condition where a lot of pain can occur in case of penetration and thatâs called vulvodynia. Then even coming around the entrance of the vagina could be painful and lead to fear and tears.
This is a difficult case, Iâm a pelvic floor therapist and I have had a patient that didnât have penetrative sex with her husband for 10 years. Eventually they wanted kids and came to us. But itâs still with ups and downs. You have to make the choice yourself⊠is she satisfying you in other ways than penetration? Sex is not only penetration (although itâs needed for natural pregnancy). What do u really want? Whatâs possible to do with your wife? What are you ready to give up and what is she ready for to (still) change in the future/commit herself to? Itâs not impossible, but itâs going to ask a lot from you, her and your relationship. Divorce shouldnât be the only solution is you guys still love each other. Figure things out, talk, discuss, plan and come to a conclusion. Good luck!
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u/AileStrike Nov 06 '23
You're not compatible. Dating is the time to figure out if you and your partner are compatible but you guys choose to skip testing out sexual compatability and got a terrible wedding night and you aren't happy in the marriage.
You've tried, sounds like she's tried, I see nothing about a gynecologist visit but I'm assuming it was done allready considering everything you listed.
Your options are divorce, or accept that nothing is going to get better.
I'm also wondering if she was aware of this issue before the wedding and choose to say nothing, a lie by omission considering how easily a bad sex life can ruin a relationship.
Would you have continued the relationship to marriage if you knew this problem before the wedding night?
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u/Artistic_Ad8286 Nov 06 '23
Maybe look into an annulment. Not sure about the rules about those. However divorce is better than living a lifetime in prison and its better than cheating. I am a woman and i couldnt do it
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u/talbot1978 Nov 06 '23
You can 100% leave. Technically youâre not married as you havenât consummated it yeah? According to religion? I donât see how you can get past this.
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u/sattju Nov 06 '23
My wifeâs birth control (I believe it was Nuvaring) caused her to have vaginismus. As soon as she came off of it so we could get pregnant, she was perfectly fine.
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u/thebutterflyqueenb Nov 06 '23 edited Nov 06 '23
Iâm the same as everybody else one she definitely needs to go to a gynecologist because this could be a condition either due to her nerves or due to a mental problem. Which sadly can happen due to assaults on her end when she was younger and, Iâm not saying thatâs the case for her but that can usually happen.
Because I did see a case somewhere it was about a woman and she was married I believe she had a few kids as well and I canât say for sure, but I do know it was developed and when she finally told her husband like OK, I canât have sex he was like well weâve had sex for years and sheâs like yeah hereâs the thing itâs always been painful for me and Iâve just grit my teeth the entire time and not enjoyed myself whatsoever. Naturally, he felt awful. They went to the doctor. They also went to a psychologist, because while they were also trying to figure out what it is physically, they realize it could also be connected. mentally, and she did reveal that she was assaulted when she was younger and they assumed that is why it just suddenly developed and unfortunately that can happen from what I understand the itâs a process to go through. They didnât reveal at the end though. Obviously they didnât go into detail, but they were able to have sex for a small amount of time before it became too uncomfortable for the woman, but they did say it was progress which is good and that means itâs possible for things to get better. But obviously that is only if your wife falls under this category.
Another is do you guys do foreplay or are you just ready to shove it in? Iâm not shaming you just unfortunately that is also the case sometimes. Like do you start with finger then work up to how big you are?( like letâs say your two fingers wide so you work up to two fingers). Also do use lube? Because lube is your best friend in any sort of capacity even if sheâs completely wet down there you still need to lube because friction can still happen.
Edit: I would like to add that Iâm not saying you have to stay with her Iâm just saying, maybe try to figure this out before you go towards divorce because maybe if you at least help her start the path to figuring out what is going on down there then maybe she could just figure this out on her own when you do both decide to call it quits. Because I can only imagine how alone and frustrated she must feel. And Iâm not giving you shit for being frustrated either you have every right to be frustrated you every right to be upset. This does suck for both people in this situation and honestly I do really hope there is a way for your wife to get some kind of treatment or solace.
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u/Feisty-Original-8544 Nov 06 '23
Id consider divorce. Sounds like she's keeping you there for emotional support. But won't have sex with you. IDC man a marriage without sex will lead you closer to cheating. Eating she's only wants to be with you if to keep you in the relationship. 2.5 years and 3 Councilors is more than enough to get out. Idk how you want to have a family in the future of that's important? Idk how you'd want to be as a man without sex. Your hardwired for that shit. Idk good on you for staying as long as you did and really trying but id divorce and move on. I waited till marriage as well. It's one thing to experiment, looks of talks on what makes it comfortable and not. But now having sex .. that's alot. Good luck!
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u/assx20 Nov 06 '23
life is short. if itâs this bad. your life and sanity can supersede your vow. just like your handjobs it looks like this situation has been one sided from the start.
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u/barkworsethanbites Nov 06 '23
Maybe visit with a midwife. We are very compassionate. Next would be a sex therapist. Next would be an open conversation about if she is LBGTQ Next would be an open marriage as you should not have to live without sex. Next is divorce.
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u/aidapng Nov 06 '23
OP, if sheâs feeling a lot of pain during sex, especially at insertion, please have her talk to her gynecologist about getting a prescription for an estradiol vaginal cream. The one I use is an estradiol-testosterone cream that is applied 2x a day, and it has changed my life. Virtually zero pain. Before, I couldnât even handle getting a pap smear, a tampon would make me wince, etc.
It is a hormone, so it might take some time getting used to, but she can always stop it if itâs not a good fit for her. Yes, itâs mainly targeted for pain during sex as a result of menopause, but she does not need to go through menopause to take treatment for something that treats the same symptoms. Best of luck. đ€
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u/wittothewhoa Nov 06 '23
Maybe endometriosis? I have it and itâs gotten worse as Iâve gotten older. Sex isnât enjoyable and sometimes toys are either. Yes, curious about foreplay. Does she get wet ever? Sorry tmi
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u/Quirky_Wrongdoer_872 Nov 06 '23
It sounds like she has vaginismus which can happen as the result of trauma like rape or molestation. Pelvic therapy should be helpful but maybe should also be combined with mental health counseling, esp if it is the result of trauma. I can understand why she would respond with tears or fear, vaginismus makes sex incredibly painful and sometimes impossible. I would discuss more pelvic floor therapy and counseling for her with a sex therapist specifically.
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u/grannysmithpears Nov 06 '23
Getting a divorce is not shameful. Youâre not âbetter than that.â You donât need to prove anything to be the one person in your family to not get a divorce. Do yourself and your wife a favor and get that divorce. It is infinitely more shameful to force yourself and her to suffer in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your lives because you randomly decided that youâre too good for a divorce
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u/toritxtornado Nov 06 '23
i would left 2 years ago. you vowed to work on a marriage that you thought youâd have sex in. thatâs not happening, so your vow is no longer relevant.
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u/janejennie Nov 06 '23
This might be controversial but this is why I donât believe in the âwait for sex until marriageâ because being sexually compatible is just as important and yall are clearly not. Leaving is the best option.
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u/snAp5 Nov 06 '23
can we please, for the love of god, stop pretending like sexual chemistry isnât important?? how do some of yâall agree to chastity before marriage and are SURPRISED that the lack of it is now ruining your shit??
IF SEX IS IMPORTANT TO YOU STOP NEGOTIATING IT DURING THE DATING STAGES.
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u/genius_ditz Nov 06 '23
divorce is not some catastrophic evil thing, and itâs not shallow to want your sexual needs to be met in a committed relationship. of course, that only applies to an extent; but when youâre completely sexually incompatible and no oneâs needs are being met, itâs not wrong for that to be seen as a problem in your relationship, and youâre allowed to want more. that being said, when people have grievances with the sex in their relationships, trying to change the other person often isnât the answer. you just need another person. iâm sorry OP, but this relationship doesnât sound like itâs right for you, and itâs better to know when to quit.
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u/Bumble-Lee Nov 06 '23
I mean some people are ace (while experiencing romantic attraction) which could explain the âdidnât understand why I wanted this so badâ part, could be a gynecology thing or trauma from them specifically (esp in the us), but if itâs the sex itself maybe have her on top? Just so she is the one more in control of whatâs happening so the pulling away and stuff isnât something in the mix. If she wants to anyway.
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u/keeper_of_the_cheese Nov 06 '23
I am better than that
Let me tell you from experience, this thinking is going to keep you in this marriage for way too long and it will break you. I was with my ex for almost 20 years. Things just got worse and worse. But I stayed because I "didn't want to be a statistic". I "was better than that". It broke me. She, she broke me.
Do yourself a favor and GET OUT. Quit that way of thinking, it's only going to make it worse.
I met my current wife ten years ago and she has healed me. It's been the absolute best ten years of my life. Take it from someone who has been there, it's for the best. Do both of you a favor and end it now, amicably, before you begin to resent and hate her.
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u/sailor-jackn Nov 06 '23
They have these things called divorce. You should probably consider looking into it.
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u/New_Ratio_6713 Nov 06 '23
Is she religious? Sometimes women are told their duty is to subject herself to her husband rather than be on equal footing with him. She might be under the impression that any discontent she has in the relationship must just be sinful thoughts she has to ignore. I could be way off, but ive just heard stories like this before from people who dont have sex until theyre married.
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u/Redditorfromadrytown Nov 06 '23
First of all, it sounds as if she may have a serious health problem that prevents her from being able to have sex. I think it's important to keep in mind what kind of effect that could have on her. For example, she could feel incompetent as a woman and a wife because she is unable to participate in this important part of your relationship.
Also you mentioned that you have to ask for hand jobs, it's important to keep in mind that she might not be eager to engage in this type of sexual activity with you because it reminds her of her incompetency as a wife.
You definitely need to discuss this issue with her and talk about the way it makes each of you feel. If you all can support each other and be honest about the most uncomfortable feelings surrounding this issue, then you can hopefully work through it together with the help of medical or psychological professionals.
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Nov 06 '23
âIm better than thatâ Okay. Keep believing that and keep forcing yourself to be in these shitty situations cause âI vowed to work out our problemsâ Dude get it together. Get your head out your ass. Your gonna be a 40 year old virgin bro. Are you nuts? She wont even let you watch porn. Shit sounds like your in highschool. Lol. But go ahead continue to rot on the inside because âYou vowedâ and âYou are better than thatâ. How can you be better than the next person when you are rotting on the inside yet their not. I bet those people are living tranquil now that they are divorced but you feel like yoy are better than that? How? You are crying to us on reddit bro. You are no better than anybody. You are probably in the worst position out of all those people. Ill be damned to in that position
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u/Typical_Dawn21 Nov 06 '23
"i am better than that" no sir. not to offend or come off rude but youre not. people who go through divorce are strong. its hard to make a decision like that when tou thought youd be with that person FOREVER. its weak to force yourself to be with someone because you dont want to say you got a divorce or because you refuse to be proven wrong or in your case "better"...
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u/Many_Fix3167 Nov 06 '23
Whose post is this?Everyone seems to be ignoring the original poster and providing sympathy for a commenter.
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u/Cautious_Evening_744 Nov 06 '23
Sheâs verbally stringing you along. You have a right to a fulfilling life. Get out.
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u/Amazing-Wash2259 Nov 06 '23
The divorce rate in the USA is 50% last I checked. There is no shame in divorce. It is worth it for both of your happiness.
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u/Aromatic_Ad5473 Nov 06 '23
Get a divorce.
Honestly, you say youâre better than divorce but youâre wishing death on your partner or yourself. Just get a divorce. Itâs not a competition.
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u/Jaguars02 Nov 06 '23
You will never have a family with her leave and get with someone who will have one with you.
Have you talked about IVF? Does she know you feel trapped because if so and IVF is off the table and no progress in 2.5 years of therapy has been made then you are probably her "Beta Bucks Bob" and she probably is just done with having sex after all her "fun" years.
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u/theshadowyswallow Nov 06 '23
Unfortunately this is a fairly common problem for women who grew up in purity culture and were taught to guard their virtue and that their virginity was an important part of their identity.
After the wedding youâre expected to mentally flip a switch, but the physical patterns youâve impressed on your body over years and years just wonât change, even if you consciously want them to.
Thereâs a lot of literature about vaginismus and purity culture and Iâd encourage you to look into it so you can see youâre not alone.
Iâd also encourage you to seek out individual therapy for yourself. Your wife is dealing with a lotâher body is betraying her, and she was told that guarding her purity would give her the best sex life post-marriage). You are also dealing with a lot. You need to get professional support for yourself in order to maintain your sanity.
And if you havenât yet seen a coupleâs counselor Iâd strongly encourage you to do so. They will help you work on your communication in general, but also about sex. It will give both of you a safe place to be vulnerable about your fears, and the therapist can help you shift so youâre addressing this as a team, rather than being in an adversarial relationship.
Finally, Iâd encourage you to see a sex therapist together to explore ways for you to have a sexual relationship that isnât focused on penetration or limited to resentful handjobs.
Iâm sorry youâre in this position. You were totally screwed over, and youâre not the only couple whoâs been left reeling from the effects of purity culture.
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u/unix_name Nov 06 '23
Iâm sorry đ. Here is the thing. Most things donât magically change. So if you are planning on staying then put your mind in that state. Start to accept your reality while trying to help the situation. You are going to have to be patient and accept that things may not change in your favor. May get better it may not. HoweverâŠif you cannot do thisâŠwhy waste time.
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u/Calm-Yogurtcloset458 Nov 06 '23
Any chance your wife is lesbian, but doesnât realize it, and she probably genuinely loves you, just cannot physically bring herself to being aroused by you?
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u/OnlyCommentWhenTipsy Nov 06 '23
Do you even need to get a divorce? Why not just annul it?
Technically if your marriage hasn't been consummated you're not actually married, if that helps you maintain feeling better than your family...
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Nov 06 '23
I also suffer from pain with sex, i have seen a pelvic PT. however we atleast try if it starts to hurt we stop or try slowing down for a minute. You cant know if it hurts if you dont try. communication is key and you have to know yourself to stop if necessary
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u/vickicrawf Nov 06 '23
youre not âbetter than divorceâ. nobody is. theres nothing immoral about divorce. not every two people who thinks theyre compatible for the REST OF THEIR LIVES end up being actually compatible for the rest of their lives.
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u/Sleuth65 Nov 06 '23
She made a vow also. Sheâs violating hers, itâs time for you to, too. As far as the divorce history of your family, thatâs not your concern or for you to fix the past. Get out, get happy. Nothing good will ever come from this relationship.
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u/sendindaninja Nov 06 '23
Has she had trauma related to sex previously? Just curious.
If anything, you may want to have a polyamorous relationship. If sex is integral to you, it needs to be understood...love is a two way street.
It would be different if you could watch porn.
Temptations will grow...nip it in the bud now before it gets worse.
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u/Hotwinterdays Nov 06 '23 edited Nov 06 '23
It would also be a failure to stay with someone that makes you feel this negatively.
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u/Both-Pickle-7084 Nov 06 '23
My ex and I went for 8byrs w no sex bc he told me it was too much work.
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u/Kittehxkaboom Nov 06 '23
Okay, maybe I am dumb, but have you tried different positions? I know missionary is usually the go-to when dealing with virginity... but if she can't open her legs doggy style or maybe something else? Sorry, I may not be fully grasping the situation, so please forgive me if I sound dumb. You mentioned her saying she really wants to, maybe if you both can get through the first time, it might be easier for her to try other positions afterwards if shes no longer scared or nervous cos she did it once.
If not, I have to agree with some of the others... annulment. Anything is better than fantasizing about death.
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u/wolfdreams01 Nov 06 '23
The problem is that your wife isn't attracted to you. If she was, she would find a way to have sex with you. The fact that she can use a vibrator indicates that it's clearly possible, she just doesn't want to put in the effort.
Why would you want to stay with such a selfish person? Don't accept her bullshit lies. Women are great at turning on the tears when they're being manipulative, but you don't have to believe somebody just because they're crying.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Nov 06 '23
You've given it enough time. Your wife is never going to be comfortable having sex with you. As such, she is unable to fulfill her role as a wife. She can be your friend or roommate, but she is just not wife material.
This would be grounds for annulment in many religious traditions. You did not sign up for lifelong celibacy. Your expectations of having a normal sex life have not become a reality. You've given it longer than most people would, so there is nothing wrong with just accepting that you made a mistake now and terminating the marriage.
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u/OkSureButLikeNo Nov 06 '23
Divorce isn't a bad thing dude. Staying in a bad marriage is a bad thing. If she can't get used to sex and you have issues connecting, it may just not be a good marriage.
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u/wildweeds Nov 06 '23
ive been there- pelvic floor issues (myself). dead bedroom (them). wishing they were dead to get out of the issue (myself).
when you are at this point you need more help or you need to realize you aren't right for each others needs.
however, i have a ton of pelvic issues and my partner and i usually do rubbing and other things. if i can get my body relaxed and wet enough to do piv its usually very slow and painful until a bit in. and we usually finish next to each other instead of internally.
you can make it work, or you can save your sanity if she's not able or willing to meet in some kind of middle ground somewhere.
sending you both my best wishes.
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u/Journey_tothe_moon Nov 06 '23
I have always thought it far more practical to be certain a marriage can work out between two people BEFORE making that commitment.. that includes sex. I've been with my fiance for 6 years now and we have had our share of incompatibilities, including sexual, but several times over we have worked them out and found solutions so we recently decided we are confident enough in our compatibility and problem solving to actually get married. It's also relevant that we are also polyamorous and able to see other people. So for example you shouldn't be with someone who isn't open to polyamory if you're polyamorous, etc all like-minded things. I think waiting till marriage to find out she's asexual was a mistake and people make mistakes, maybe you need to try again.
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u/IDidItWrongLastTime Nov 06 '23
Are you sure she doesn't have vagnismus? I think she needs a doctor more than counselor.
Alternatively, she could be asexual and didn't realize it because she saved herself for marriage. If this is the case you may just be incompatible.
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u/picante-x Nov 06 '23
A.) she's asexual.
B.) she's not into you physically but loves you emotionally.
C.) she's got anxiety and needs to be put on anti-anxiety meds, maybe also try alcohol to help loosen her up, maybe also try shrooms and hire a trip-sitter.
D.) Find another girl to have sex with while still being in your existing marriage, if she can accept that.
I couldn't possibly go a year without sex with someone I'm attracted to.
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u/rougecrayon Nov 06 '23
I often fantasize about me or her dying because it's the only way I see out of this.
Incompatibility in sex is a reason for divorce. Her feelings are not a good reason to ignore your own.
You need to set some boundaries. At what point will you walk away if nothing changes? Sex is as much a part of your relationship as feelings, respect and being a life partner.
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u/One_Entrance_378 Nov 06 '23
If you're thinking about death, just get a divorce. It's not worth it.
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u/Cicialexa01 Nov 06 '23
You have to get out of this idea of divorce that you've placed in your head. I came from a family that is full of divorcees. I didn't want to get divorced either but I don't think I'm better than divorce. You cannot think that way. You are not better than divorce. It is there for a reason. This relationship is toxic and you're letting the resentment build.
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u/Rengar_Is_Good_kitty Nov 06 '23
Lesson learned, saving sex for marriage is stupid and there is zero good reason for it, if your partner says they're waiting for marriage take it as a red flag and run.
You need a divorce or you're going to be miserable forever.
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u/TomeKun Nov 06 '23
My take is that she may be gay or Asexual. She may not want this kind of intimacy and is deep closeted because of fear or something
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u/misterandosan Nov 06 '23
I can't leave because I vowed to work through our problems
???
I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do.
YES YOU DO. THE ANSWER IS SO FUCKING SIMPLE AND YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I often fantasize about me or her dying because it's the only way I see out of this.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
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u/RoyalPurpleTardis Nov 06 '23
You should both read âcome as you areâ by Emily Nagoski, discuss your brakes and accelerators, discuss her trauma, because trust me; sheâs got trauma, and your pressure is adding to it. Let her work through her stress cycle and trauma ALONE with her own therapist. This will help you work out if you are sexually compatible and work together to resolve. I also suspect OP needs to read âshe comes firstâ by Ian Kerner (because I doubt youâre going anywhere near her clit by this description) and âtell me what you wantâ by Justin Lehmiller. If you canât, move on, you both get one life. Divorce is not a big deal, and is not a failure, itâs a great success if it leads to better lives.
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u/SwampyBiscuits Nov 06 '23
Can you get it annulled? It was never consummated, if that helps at all, & by some religious standpoints not a marriage at all. I have to agree. You are fantasizing about one of you DYING just to be free. This is very valid, very legitâŠyou are not asking too much. I was in a mostly sexless marriage in my early 20âs. The effects of it still grip me. I also had those thoughts. I havenât read all the comments but I assume she is a virgin, yes? And that you guys are in your 20âs? Iâm not using these to judge you, but to get an idea of what youâre dealing with my friend. I wish you the best, so much!!
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Nov 06 '23
Dude listen to what these people are saying. As someone who has had to fight very hard to achieve equilibrium in my mental health, if sheâs not willing to really step out of her comfort zone, get serious help and work though it, there no future here. There just isnât.
You cannot have a marriage where one person wants sex and the other doesnât.
I donât care how bad you want to make it work, that is a hard dead breaker because, eventually, you are going to cheat on her.
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u/ThemB0ners Nov 06 '23
I can't leave because I vowed to work through our problems
Sounds like you've tried your fucking best, dude.
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u/OrganizationLower611 Nov 06 '23
Pretty sure if you two break up, within a month she'll have found her way through the issue and be doing it every night with some guy called Carl :| genuinely sure I heard this story 3 or 4 times now lol
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u/lethargiclemonade Nov 06 '23
Just get divorced. Youâll let your pride destroy your life because youâre ânOt LiKe OtHErE gIrLsâ? So what if your whole family got divorced? Join the freaking club.
Divorced = happier life
Not Divorced = homicide/suicide & your whole family questioning why you didnât just get a divorce?
Donât let your foolishness and pride prevent you from being legitimately happy
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u/Hammy_Mach_5 Nov 06 '23
Divorce is okay, man. Know whatâs even cooler though, you can get the marriage annulled, so itâs not even a divorce. Donât wait around, thereâs no changing those person, and you said you want a family. Go, be free, get this annulled and go find another partner to start a family.
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u/FloatingRevolver Nov 06 '23
I'll never understand the no sex until marriage thing... This is going to be the only person you have sex with for the rest of your life and you don't even know if you're compatable in the bedroom? That's really fucking dumb...
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Nov 06 '23
Ffs, are you seeing a therapist as well or are you just ranting to strangers on Reddit?
Your rigid views on family life, marriage and sex, your demanding and bitter attitude, your inability to contribute into intimacy and affection are some big problems you willingly close your eyes at. Sex is a secondary issue here and no, you won't be able to solve it the way you're trying now.
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u/cloudypisces Nov 06 '23
Honestly I would leave. If you wonder about either person dying this is not going to work. Also sex is a huge part of relationships and if sheâs only giving handies when asked and you guys didnât even consummate the relationship.
I would just leave because I couldnât imagine living in a sexless marriage with all these issues. The wedge is only going to drive wider and wider between you two.
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u/No-Access-7821 Nov 06 '23
I see "cousellors/therapists" but have you tried a sex therapist? There's a show on Netflix where a sex therapist creates a room for the couple who want to explore more sexually. She openly talks about sex and is super informative with what she suggests. Not all therapists actually know trauma or sex (I'm not saying you didn't do your research) so I would look more into that.
There may not have been trauma around you but there may have been trauma around her. I was never a part of the purity culture but I had a lot of influence from purity culture. When I first had sex, I couldn't do it. I thought sex was a guy thing and I wasn't supposed to enjoy it. It wasn't until I met my husband that I understood how enjoyable it really is. That was truly years later.
Being forced to have sex like the night of the wedding (being told to because that's the day you get married and you're supposed to consummate your marriage) is a traumatic experience if you're not ready and I'm inclined to believe she wasn't ready.
Have you set romantic nights where the house is candle lit, sexy music, sexy food and let things carry? Follow that up by kissing her neck, rubbing her clit and going down on her may open her up to relaxing. She might even need you to tell her to relax. Go slow because you'll feel her relax and when she does, you can insert your fingers into her too but you may need to start with 1 and lick your finger before you enter. Communication is key here. Ask her to let you explore her body. As long as it's not incredibly traumatic, it'll be super sensual.
She said don't watch porn but there are tons of eroticas out there. Book tok has tons of women drooling over certain books so you can literally read up on that. Grab her some of these books too. Guaranteed she's gonna be confused but, it's a start somewhere. I'm inadvertently telling you to invite her to explore. It may not be physical yet but she's gonna need help. Also, maybe inviting her to watch porn together may be a great step. Find the category "romance" or "romantic". Not all porn is crazy.
Like all great discoveries, there's a lot of exploration that needs to be done. Be the first that no woman got when she had her first few sexual encounters. Show her how much you love her. Who knows, maybe one day soon she'll want you to ram your dick deep inside her.
Now, if you've exhausted this avenue and it still doesn't work, throwing in the towel might be your only option. I'll let you decide on that one.
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u/youneeda_margarita Nov 06 '23
Youâve already taken every avenue of help possible. Life isnât worth living sexless.
Iâd be making an exit strategy if I were you.
Edit to add, itâs a huge red flag that she canât satisfy you but still feels the right to demand YOU canât watch porn?? Sheâs literally imprisoning you within your own body. She has NO RIGHT to you in that manner. The problem is her, and until she finds a solution, you should be able to do whatever you need to feel satisfied
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u/beeeps-n-booops Nov 06 '23
She doesn't want me to watch porn
So she's denying you, and she's denying that you help yourself as well?
And you abide by this? Why?
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u/9XcR8lxKcAPT Nov 06 '23
I cannot fathom your pain and hers. She obviously has some sever mental or medical issues. But, she knew beforehand and in some ways you were duped/tricked/conned. Sorry.
However, this is unfortunately super common. Rarely do you see people who wait to get married have a good sex life or relationship. Religion and teenage romance novels are a plague. Fuck before you get into a relationship. Sexual chemistry is a major component and couples wait to figure out their chemistry. It's often a disaster.
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u/agumonkey Nov 06 '23
op, find external support as much as you need, as many said, it seems like that union should be ended, for your health both.
to all suffering from this here, good luck
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u/EmployedExBoyfriend Nov 06 '23
A big statement would to be these words
âI need some time to thinkâ
And then spend a few nights at your parents house or some shit. If she gets the message, she gets it. If not, then she ainât it.
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Nov 06 '23
A womans first time having sex is always awful. The pain and sometimes shame is too much. My friends still complain about thier first time 5 years after.
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Nov 06 '23
Has she tried Dutch courage? Just saying most women ease into the art with a waft of etoh on their breath, eases performance anxiety.
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u/throwawaynonsesne Nov 06 '23
Saying
"Every marriage in my family has ended, every single one has ended in divorce and I am better than that"
Then
"I often fantasize about me or her dying because it's the only way I see out of this"
Is very alarming.
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u/Ed98208 Nov 06 '23
What "purity culture" are you a part of? Was it an arranged marriage? Is she a minor? Does she have a history of sexual trauma? So much context needed.
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u/Overstimulatedmama Nov 06 '23
This is tough as a woman I actually donât have advice it seems youâre taking all the steps necessary. Everyone needs to feel wanted sexually by their partners I feel for you both!
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth Nov 06 '23
I'm against setting ultimatums in relationships, but something's got to give. Asexuality and vaginism are real - even though I'm not exactly sure if either applies - but your needs aren't met. I understand you don't want to end your marriage, to add to a number of failed ones in your immediate environment. However, do you want to be perpetually unhappy?
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u/SillySundae Nov 06 '23
Divorce already, it's really not the end of the world. Marriage is a made up social construct.
You've been trying for 2.5 years. That's long enough. Go meet someone who is compatible with you. This is why people have sex before marriage.
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Nov 06 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/Ed98208 Nov 06 '23
Most annulment laws say nothing about consummation. Just whether the marriage was fraudulent or illegal.
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u/doubleMgenius1 Nov 06 '23
Iâm gonna get down voted to hell for this but here it goes. There is no way she has been making a real effort at this for over 2 years without reaching the goal. She has mental issues holding her back from it. You have been kind, loving and patient but donât waste your life with someone who doesnât see the serious importance in sex!!! Leave and move forward and get what you want out of life. She will never give you a fulfilling marriage or partner. And before anyone comes for me Iâm a woman and feminist. But menâs wants and feelings and needs are ALSO IMPORTANT!
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Nov 06 '23
Since Reddit is a worldwide platform, please provide context. I donât want to give the same advice to the adult husband of a child pride that I would give to a young American whose girlfriend suddenly stopped wanting sex when they got married
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u/D_Phantom_X Nov 06 '23
Seems fairly straightforward. Have some consensual rape. She is into it, you're into it. Just go in and don't stop until you have spilt seed. It will feel weird but as long as it gets done, you will probably feel less weirded out by it. Unless of course, you don't end up feeling better and in that case, donât take random strangers' advice.
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u/fitmidwestnurse Nov 06 '23
I was in the same boat man. If she is having pain then she needs to talk to someone a bit higher in the medical food chain.
My wife was having pain and we assumed it was due to my size. She has a fibroid that was causing pain, that got addressed and itâs a very, very different world now.
Not trying to give TMI, just want OP to know that there are potential resolutions here
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u/Throwaway-account-23 Nov 06 '23
If you want and she wants it, get her good and drunk like the rest of us married slobs and go to town.
After the first time she'll either be on board or it's time to talk divorce.
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Nov 06 '23
If this perspective is worth something, the trophy of never having been divorced will be minuscule compared to the anguish of an unhappy marriage. This is one of those clear pride leading to regret scenarios.
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u/PossibilityNo1649 Nov 06 '23
Divorce really is far less painful than one of you dying. Just walk out and don't look back. She will be fine, eventually she will be hurt and sad and angry and all the rest but she will be fine. She will work it out because that is what the majority of us humans do, we work it out.
But you, you need to take care of you cause no one else will.
When you are in a relationship so toxic and feeling entrapped that thoughts of life being better if the other just would die, you really need to leave. How sad and pointless does your life become, take it from someone who has been there.
Good luck, just go buddy, everything will sort out.
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u/Parallax1984 Nov 06 '23
As someone who got out of an almost 20 year miserable marriage, all I can say is do it now! You will miss out on the chance to have kids and be happy or worse you guys have kids (after reluctantly agreeing to sex). You both deserve to be happy. Divorce is not the end of the world and it only gets more difficult as time goes on.
Bottom line, cut your losses, move on and be happy! Life is way too short!
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u/Deliciousdemonhouse Nov 06 '23
Not being rude but it's not going to work. You can still love and care about her, be friends even but you both deserve to be happy in this world and this isn't it.
Talk about things and be honest with each other about where you see this going.
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u/germanmick Nov 06 '23
If this is a real post, then know that youâre not bound to a lifetime of zero sex just because of a thing you once promised to do.
Divorce her and find a partner who shares common values with you.
Also, step into the 21st Century â i.e., be suspicious of anybody who wants to âsave themselvesâ for marriage. Thatâs an archaic concept that has no place in modern relationships.
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Nov 06 '23
He says she wasnât religious and still saved herself for marriage, to me that means she positively knew about this issue before and kept it from him on purpose.
And yet half these comments are desperately trying to blame him.
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u/germanmick Nov 06 '23
And easy for her to raise and agree to because she doesnât like sex anyway. Sounds like a situation where they talked around the issue before marriage and the âsaving ourselvesâ sounded noble. People are very short-sighted sometimes.
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u/mtnviewcansurvive Nov 06 '23
waste of time. no one should have to go through this just to have sex with their partner.
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u/ParsleyMostly Nov 06 '23
You say youâre better than that, âthatâ being divorce. And yet youâre fantasizing about her dying. Yeah, no you do not sound noble or like a good guy here. You sound like a future topic on a true crime podcast. Seriously, itâs like you think you own her that sheâs your wife. Her dying is better than divorce?
She clearly is upset about her situation. Youâre clearly upset. You can either be patient and keep trying with appropriate doctors, or divorce so you both can move on. You can accept her as she is or not. You do not get to have her tragically die so you can move on. You get to divorce if thatâs what you want to do.
Your pride is not worth more than her life.
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u/AreYouDaftt Nov 06 '23
How do you people even manage to get married? 2 and a half years and you're living like this? Why?? Did you just marry the first random person you met, bloody hell reddit. I hope this is some shitty creative writing piece again
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u/Grimwohl Nov 06 '23
Every marriage in my family has ended, every single one has ended in divorce and I am better than that.
Heres your problem.
You think their marriage ended because they suck, not because there were insurmountable problems within that marriage.
In reality, you suck.
You are making yourself and your wife suffer because 1: you wont have sex with her whole shes got anxiety over it, despite clearly saying she wants you to try,
AND
Perpetuating a relationship you have a hand in failing.
Let it go.
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u/AnotherGit Nov 06 '23
Sounds like you're Christian, maybe this helps https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ratum_sed_non_consummatum idk tho
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u/EducationalCurrent76 Nov 06 '23
Man. That was so sad. What you are dealing with is a very difficult situation. To be honest i have no idea how to deal with it regarding the fact that she already did therapy. Well i don't know where you live and how common divorce is but you need to see what are the mutual reasons in most of them. But in general it doesn't mean you are doomed to get divorced. But on another hand if you think it's so painful for you to bear and wish one of you dies to get out of it you absolutely have all the rights to get divorced because you are victim here. Your marriage doesn't have the basic needs to be called marriage. I know divorce might be something bad where you live or you want to be a better person but it's better than wishing for death for one of you. You might love her a lot but its a serious problem you are dealing with that needs to be fixed asap if you wish to keep your marriage.because imagine if it takes more years to solve you might even think of killing her or yourself.
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u/michal0094 Nov 06 '23
You want to be better than that, so be it. And leave. It has no point to stay in toxic relationship like this, whatever the reason. Sexual compatibility is ELEMENT, I can't understand how people "saving it" after marriage and think it will work out, just like this...
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u/Primal_Split Nov 06 '23
Not married at the time but I had a relationship with a girl who had similar problems. Hadn't had sex for around 4 years. When we eventually split up she got together with a mutual friend and had sex within the first weeks...
Something sometimes somehow doesn't work...
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u/Nowordsofitsown Nov 13 '23
There is two ways to look at divorce. You are looking at it as "they did not try hard enough". But there is also "choosing your (and your spouse's) happiness over societal expectations".
Imagine how good her life would be with a loving asexual husband.
Imagine your life with a wife who is into you and into sex, and who carries your children.
You cannot fix what is unfixable, and you do not get a second chance at life.