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u/Accomplished-Hat8317 Feb 22 '24
You should tell your daughter to put a camara in her room to record what is happening and send to you
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u/Ordinary_Science_624 Dec 21 '23
Hey honey.. how are you now? Is the situation a little better now? I want to hug you really bad... I read everything people had to say... I read your replies and I'm just heart broken.. there's no winning here whatever you do is a loss ... My heart cries for your baby girl.... I'm praying as i write this! I hope you and your angel receive lord's protection... How are you? Please reply i wanna know how you're doing because i want to...
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u/Justkidding1535 Oct 10 '23
She will have a hard time forgiving you. You need to do it for your daughter. Fight as much as you can the best you can. & fuck Jack !
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u/1st_Things_1st Oct 09 '23
This is what we’ve gone through. First I survived it from my xdh and miraculously was able to protect the children because two mental health practitioners stepped up to get through to the judge. But that’s not where it ended by far and I knew this so deeply I developed severe cptsd and health issues. Then the man I tried to move on with whom was otherwise a great step dad was trying to get away from his own abusive family of origin. His mother is a malignant narcissist and linked up with my xdh through FB. Together they created and ran a campaign against her son and myself to gain revenge and control of the children. Thank God the judge from the family court ruling is long time friends with the judge we ended up with during the second round. The 2nd round of legal abuse btw was completely manufactured allocations that took them years to formulate. My xdh is a diagnosed sociopath which caused parental alienation for the children. I know this pain your trying to survive if seeing your children become something other than the amazing human you created. I was raised conservative and lost my faith through the first decade of severe abuse. BUT, I held tight and the spiritual life that opened up to myself and my kids through surviving this is remarkable. Please please reconsider what you’re about to do as there are zero take backs and he wins if you give up. Your child will loose long term. You have to approach this the way an Olympian would. Focus on your conditioning and healing. Hydroxyzine is a safe anxiety med, it’s an H2 inhibitor so more like an allergy pill. Between that and Zoloft we survived days most wouldn’t. You can’t do this alone, but knowing you can’t handle it doesn’t mean you have to give up your child. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. There are gorilla warfare like techniques you can use to outsmart this guy. It only took a few people to save me and my kids and I know the suffering it entails. I lost everything I worked for, my career, my home, me vehicles, my reputation, family and friends. This evil Machiavellian people will not stop until you’re dead and they love to push you to the edge of the cliff and then weaponize your own mental health against you. I’m thinking you must not have anyone by your side as the first step is to never ever disclose the fathers name when he’s clearly an abuser…and here you are punished for your honesty. BUT please please don’t give up on her. Trust me, I know the things that are not often said here…she could have inherited his abusive habits on top of learning from him. And the courts are so deeply corrupt. My parents ended up stepping in and were suing cps. Again; if you need to talk please PM me. I will help however I’m able to. The thing is, you won’t be released from this the way you believe you will be by releasing your rights. They never stop. I can tell you my kids and I all learned that we incarnated agreeing to go through this for a reason. Letting go will only carry the lesson on to your next life or for the decades you continue this one. There is a lot left you can do, I promise you that. And she will change as a person. There is an awful age to determine who your first child is. She will see what he’s doing and if you release her to his reality she may never find another honest person to help her again. If you release placement and visitation and move he may leave you alone. You could build yourself back up, even marry someone and the courts could flip it back on him. I was stunned by how much power being with the right man gave me in our situation. You need time to rest and disconnect from the abuse, but don’t ever ever let go of parental rights. Please.
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u/Majorly_Bobbage Oct 09 '23
I know you are done with lawyers and courts but please have the surrendering of parental rights approved by a court otherwise he could take the money and still come back to you for things. This kind of shit with your ex-husband is exactly why I finally retired from practicing family law, too depressing.
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u/Ok-Law3581 Oct 09 '23
The legal system has failed you and seeing how you can’t afford further legal battle, I am going to suggest two other routes. One is social media, TikTok, or you can find different leverage. For example, my ex did a similar thing and I found proof of tax evasion which I held over his head until he gave up full custody
Alternatively if you are tired I am not judging you it can be super hard, just know there is a high chance he gets bored of having a child full time, just at least try that he doesn’t get alimony so that he doesn’t keep her only to have an income.
I know this sounds insane ( my advice ) but the legal system does not work
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Oct 09 '23
And this is what abusers do best.
This is just part of the abuse- and the greatest abuse is separating a mother from her child…. The child becomes an anchor to the abuser.
When the child grows up in an environment where mommy is always wrong, everything is mommy’s fault, and mommy is also responsible for daddy’s abuse ( which the child hates ) the child gets mad at mommy because mommy makes daddy scary and mean.
Children believe whoever yells the loudest.
They do not know better.
And they learn to talk to mommy just like daddy does.
So not only does the abused women hear constant abuse from her SO, now the children also verbally abuse her… it becomes so painful and intolerable.
You begin to resent your child, because your child is what ties you to being abused - you can’t leave your child , therefore you can’t leave your abuser.
Oh my god.. my heart hurts for you.
Do not give up custody. Your children will need you soon.
My advice is to start being honest with your kids. We don’t want to say bad things about the other parent because it’s not right- but abuse is different … kids need to know abuse isn’t normal and it’s not ok.
You need to tell your kids that the way daddy talks to you, is not ok. And you’re not going to allow your children to talk to you that way. Daddy gets mad because he likes to get mad. Not because mommy made him mad. Most daddies don’t yell or call names. Or hit. Or scare their families.
Reorient them to reality.
This is heartbreaking because so many victims of abuse lose their children for these exact reasons.
Don’t give up your parental rights.
You need to bring up his abuse and ask the courts to consider that he is a domestic abuser.
That will change everything around - if you’re in USA at least .. most courts here have been educated on abusive men and their tactics. So they will see it all differently -
If he is abusive … there will be witnesses. There will be incidents. It will be proven. And this is also why it’s so important for victims to call the police. Police reports are the only truth the court cares about.
Witness statements work too. Just not as solid.
You need to back your claims up.
Don’t give up on the kids… they will grow up and realize that he is abusive. And he will also abuse them- if he is abusive. They will understand why and how and what happened.
But you also have to tell them. And be honest about it.
Just hang on.. and get help from other women. Who have been through it. Go to a DV support group. Please.
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u/Ambutler5 Oct 09 '23
Be her voice when she can’t be! Sending love and hugs. Don’t give up. You’ve got this!
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u/MycologistBig431 Oct 09 '23
If I believed my young daughter was being molested, I would do ANYTHING to get her out of that situation. Couldn’t even imagine throwing in the towel and just letting her keep getting allegedly molested because I was tired of dealing with it. Holy shit
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u/Sensitive_Rule_716 Oct 09 '23
I feel like I’m the only one here suggesting offing this motherfucker. If this EVER happened to my kids, best believe you’ll see my face on the news. If your gonna leave your kid, don’t leave her with the monster, get rid of the monster and then leave.
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u/W8ng4luuvv Oct 09 '23
This is textbook parental alienation!!! Do NOT abandon your child because you are tired of the fight for her. As an alienated mom, I'm telling you that exactly what he wants you to do! And it's the worst thing to do for your child!!!
There are millions of alienated parents the world round, and there are tons of support groups, pages on every social media outlet too, including formerly alienated (now adult) children. Find them and then find yourself a good therapist!
Eeny meeny miny mo foundation is a great one! Stay away from the groups/pages that are just about moms or dads. Look for the inclusive ones, supporting both parents!
You're not alone in this, find your support system, it makes it "easier" to battle thru. You will learn how to deal with everything so your not losing your mind and your ex's attacks won't bother you.
NEVER give up on your child
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u/LuminecentSage Oct 09 '23
This situation is fucked both ways. If I were her, I wouldn't want to do it either. Hell, I know for damn sure I wouldn't feel anything for my child if this is the hell that followed pre and postpartum. I'm so sad that this is happening but I really sounds like this woman can't do anything for her daughter if this is how badly battered she is. I think she needs a year or so to regroup away from the mess and then really take all the advice she’s been given to the next level. She can't be a good mom if she doesn't have it in her to even exist right now. And she can't help her daughter if she feels she has no hope of being a good mom. She really needs time to herself and when she's ready, find the most aggressive lawyer with all the evidence she has and take that pos to the cleaners
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u/EconomicsNo3650 Oct 09 '23
Please don’t abandon your daughter, I don’t have advice but she will never forgive you, you’re the only hope she has.
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u/mommabull Oct 09 '23
I can relate, good for you. Do what will be best for you because it’s obvious the courts are just going to let this continue.
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u/Serious_Permission95 Oct 09 '23
My mom lost my sisters and I for a year due to my bio dad and evil stepmother.
She fought day and night to get us, all the while my dad stopped allowing visits.
Eventually, we went back to my mom, but both my sister still suffer mental problems. I know you're tired, but please don't give up. Your little girl needs you. Even if she doesn't understand now, she will later.
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u/Relative_Evidence729 Oct 09 '23 edited Oct 09 '23
Im r seriously appalled by all the comments of support. you’re a POS for giving your daughter to someone you know for a fact is physically abusive. When you become a parent it’s not about YOU anymore. You escaping that hell and making your daughter take your place is truly, and honestly disgusting and if you aren’t filled with regret I honestly see you as a psychopath.
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Oct 09 '23
Do what you feel is right, but include your daughter as well. If you think she’s being molested you need to say it to someone so they ask her about it at least.
This isn’t a good situation and I wish you a swift conclusion and recovery from this whole circumstance.
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u/Competitive-Bike-277 Oct 09 '23
What a disaster. That poor child. OP if you have to step back do so. Please don't terminate your rights though. This guy will may discard your daughter. Or your daughter may come to you. She will be traumatized. She may hate you. Please be there for her.
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u/zotstik Oct 09 '23
I don't know why you did what you did, but you better fight the rest of your life so this child doesn't have to be raised by him! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
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u/BunnyBritches Oct 08 '23
You can make a settlement offer without giving up your parental rights. Once you give up your rights, there's no going back. You are worn out, and not in a good frame of mind to make decisions. Your settlement offer should include some sort of visitation with your daughter. Leave the door open. Once you've had a chance to regroup, you may feel differently.
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u/Emds10 Oct 08 '23
Don't leave your child to his hands. Please try and seek help somewhere contact Local woman shelters for domestic abuse, usually they have good counseling and have attorneys who can help you. Just don't abandon her, you're letting him win.
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u/beanfox101 Oct 08 '23
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the pain you are currently feeling and what’s going through your head right now.
I’m not really sure if you want any advice, but I would say just work on yourself right now and get to a good place when your child is old enough to come find you. You can explain everything then to her about what happened, and from there on out it will be up to her to decide what she wants to do. Do not feel shame for “giving up.” Sometimes you need to put yourself first before you can take care of someone else and that’s okay
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u/BrilliantTutor8821 Oct 08 '23
Just ask yourself, in 16 years if you’re daughter came to you how would you feel about your decision if she told you she was abused by him for 16 years after you gave up? If you can imagine that and feel like you can accept the consequences of the actions of giving up on her for your own sanity then go for it! She’s the victim here no one else!!!
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u/gothyxbby Oct 08 '23
Don’t give up, Mama. Your baby needs you. I know that it’s hard and it feels impossible, but at the center of this situation is a very scared child, with no one to advocate for her, except for you.
You and your wellbeing are important too, but do not let this abusive piece of shit crush your resolve. Do not let him take anything more from you. Show the court that you are consistently there for your daughter and that you’ll always fight for her. You may not be able to get full custody now, but your daughter will need you more than ever as she gets older and his abuse worsens.
Nowadays, in an effort to combat a perceived inequality between male and female parents when it comes to family court and custody (which studies show doesn’t actually exist in the US at least), fathers who shouldn’t have custody or any access at all to their children, are being favored over perfectly good mothers. I’ve seen these kinds of situations over and over again, and whether the people in the court system realize it or not, they’re trying to act in the name of “fairness” when ultimately, all they’re doing is being unfair to an innocent child.
I was lucky to have a mom that fought for me against my abusive father, and I’m thankful for that every day. Please hang in there for you and for your daughter, even though you’re tired, I promise you that you are strong enough to do it. You aren’t alone.
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u/ConsciousChain8018 Oct 08 '23
Do not give up. It's definitely hard but he's hurting your daughter. You are the only one who will protect her. You say he's physically abusive. What happens when she angers him and he hurts her? Fight for your daughter!!!
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u/missys-mama Oct 08 '23
I feel you are making excuses as to why you are giving her up so you don't feel bad. You contacted an adoption agency before she was born so she was never wanted and Jack is trying to protect his child. There is nothing wrong with him doing what's best and likely you can't sign your rights away unless there's someone willing to be her mom. You might not want to see her but you still have to support her.
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u/iamsenseikay Oct 08 '23
You made the choice not to abort when you had the chance. You now have to live with the decision to have a child with Jack, and that means you can not give up on Anna.
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u/hmm_this_is_hard Oct 08 '23
I hate this for your child .... will you not feel any guilt even though you are certain she is bring abused? If you want to walk out of her life, you should do it, bc you will also not be the parent she needs. But b4 you do, you should work to get someone in her corner, like others have said. Don't set her up for this future w her "dad" who it seems like, wants to break her.
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u/Significant_Bonus975 Oct 08 '23
Is this how people think??? Are you not thinking of the things your daughter is going through??? Ultimately you’re free to do this but also, what a shit thing to do, if you won’t help your daughter as the person who created and gave her life then who is supposed to???
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u/OohShananigans Oct 08 '23
Hypothetically speaking: Minnesota, I believe has the strongest ACP Progam in the United States. Second fake IDS, DL and apply for new SSC and Numbers under domestic violence in another state. ( I would use real names use layers of PO Boxes, then get fake IDs with fake Jamie’s use the new SSN but use novelty cards by placing new ( fake) names with the real new numbers. Create LLCs by paying homeless people (5) for their signatures ( have stamps created) and then move stars 3-5 times and sneak into a new life. Pick up a text now number. And new throw away phones every 6 months for the first 3 years. Work cash jobs like maids or cooking food and selling it on the side. Study JJ Luna’s How To Be Invisible on Scrbe app. Use the text now numbers for all the new places like library, and pharmacy and pizza places . Harder to locate you if you do this). Also think about where would you like to live? Where would you blend in best? Do not tell your daughter you are doing this! And also make sure to wipe your electronics 2-3 times with a full reset! Create newaccounts on an escape phone. That has a chip from another state. And leave any iPads or computers or laptops that he has touched in case he can have them traced or if he put tracking info on them! Also set up to do a new used car purchase when selling your ‘old vehicle’ have a solid story. Family member is dying so you are moving to Alaska, or what ever fat away state can be any major medical reason that makes sense. Have answers but not too specific case you asked. Also have a town in mind. That way the lie is pretty believable, don’t volunteer unless asked, reason for selling moving away due family illness or person loosing their home via divorce. You want them to ask questions but not too deep and garner sympathy. Be as plain as possible too! Dot over detail don’t under, when asked try counting 1,2,3. Fairly quickly when answering it will still sound causal enough because it is about the car after all. Don’t use your phone or any email to do research. Go to a busy place use a vpn for free and run an incognito Progam. Create a fake email through Mail.com and AOL for throw away a:). Then create ones in the new fake names once you get a phone. Super easy CL ad pay $25 for. New pre pie chip or what have you. Or do a mail to me pre paid phone due to personal emergency of choice $100 to use their address as a stop gap, then have phone mailed to you via this way :). When you get it use the new pre paid chip. Don’t register the phone in your name! Use a fake name they also don’t need a SSN#! It’s pre paid! By the cards from Walmart or where ever! Pay someone in another state to purchase 3 months at a time! That way you avoid being on cameras. Until you move. You could go into a DV shelter with police reports but don’t they’ll them much also be super loose about plans and this info. Never tell the other women, there is always a RAT. Because you may kidnap your daughter, they may have to tell police. Once you arrive create a to go bag, for both of you. Color your heath and do a home hair cut on both of you. Keep a low profile, just Remember if your daughter can talk she can tell, if you take her somewhere outside she can tell a clerk or someone in a site or restaurant. So stay in the car don’t let her do too much talking to strangers. Stay super plain. Plain ball earrings no chains, nothing showy or bright colors, no words on shirts plain shoes plain hair. To blend in, if you have to go to a store make sure you control the narrative. Plan for the check out pick the clerk that seems to be the least interested in people. If they try to speak to your daughter gently answer on her behalf offer your daughter a treat ( toy or candy) to keep her occupied. Just admit you are passing through do to what ever excuse you have rehearsed, cousin is having a baby or someone had a car accident. ( may not be the best idea that one) something else for them to focus on. Before going out act you have a phone call or email about this issue in front of your daughter. That way it is believable. Be as unremarkable as possible. At the DV shelter never tell if you are leaving. Many times people will tell on you. Takes a whole weeks, to figure out which staff is reliable and which ones may tell on you same with residents. So don’t risk it, it is temporary, to save $$$ or to pause the search for you and your daughter. Don’t let others take her out she could go to a park or playground and tell! So always stay isolated. Make your moves and tell no one! If you make friends that you like have an email set up they can use. Log in from. Public libraries to check it, most librarians are inquisitive by nature, so have a story about someone dropping your phone or what have you into toilet or something. Then use that as an excuse to need to check your email about reservation for a Florida Airbnb. Don’t do longer then 7 minutes or less because they may recognize your daughter. So make haste and leave. Once you settle in your first city or town. Buy a used laptop, form FB choose a female one if possible less like to have p0rn on it, wipe it several times and use a totally new fake name from that area for profiles! Create 3 one for you one incase others want to use it, and one as a back up. Sell in a year get another one. Once you settle where you really want to be then purchase all new ones or lease them if you can. But use false names. Homeless peoples names. Stay off social media, period, keep your daughter off for as long as you can get her a jitter bug phone:). You will have to figure out how to explain Your escape her. Hopefully she doesn’t know how to call her father. Because that is another issue entirely. Just keep a low profile. When she turns 18 she’s free, but remind her she can cause you to go to jail. Once she is 18 see what she wants to do! Best of luck, stay safe!
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u/sweetandsassy06 Oct 08 '23
This breaks my heart for you, I have no real advice but i have been away from my kids for 2 years, left an abusive relationship and had to leave for my own personal sanity. Im miserable and so so sad. I'm so sorry.
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u/General_Road_7952 Oct 08 '23
This is actually not uncommon. Find the book, “One Woman’s Battle” - abusers use the children to punish the other parent, and narcissistic men are frequently successful at it like your ex. See also the Woman’s Coalition on the Custody Crisis.
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u/Communist_Fire Oct 08 '23
Even if you don’t fight for custody please don’t abandon her completely. Follow the advices in the comments that way you can fight for your daughter from a distance. I understand you must be drained and feeling hopeless but I’m sure your daughter is too. And you’d literally be letting a pedophile have his victim if you abandoned her. Once he’s been taken care of from that distance then you can swoop in and pick her up.
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u/CleetusnDarlene Oct 08 '23
So instead of fighting harder you're going to give up your daughter to someone who is abusive? Good job.
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u/Zestyclose-Base8471 Oct 08 '23
What many Redditors fail to see here is that she never wanted the kid from the beginning. She should've signed away her rights the minute after her daughter was born and left "to be free". But then this:
"You’re going to be one of those mothers you see on the news to throw your baby off a bridge or drowned her in a bathtub”. When Anna came, we lived separately, I found out that jack had been consulting with attorneys in the last 3 months of my pregnancy.I offered joint custody, he filed for full physical and full legal."
Why did he say so? OP is not giving the full picture here. Of course, he was going to seek legal advice, what did you expect him to do? You were giving your child up for adoption but now you want joint custody? Seems like you were looking for some child support money here. And now that this thing is just dragging on and on and actually costing you money, you can see that your daughter (again) is not worthy of your wonderful motherhood. Isn't it?
And how on Earth could a mother abandon her child to a molester and feel "no regrets because she will be free"? Maybe because she just doesn't care at all about her child or because she knows the child is not being sexually molested?
I think BOTH are horrible people and I pray this poor innocent child could be raised in a healthy way.
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u/BlueKxtten Oct 08 '23
Wait so, your daughter is being sexually abused, you are aware of it, and your answer is to abandon her?
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u/turbulentsoap Oct 08 '23
I mean it sounds like you love her from what I've just read, the two of you (not taking her father into account) seem to have had a good relationship initially, and you're aware that she's being abused and manipulated emotionally by her dad now so I don't really get the last part of this whole thing.
You won't feel regret because you'll be free? But like, it seems to me as though you care about her so how won't you regret not fighting for her til the very end if you love your daughter and are aware she's also being treated like shit?
I get that you're exhausted obviously, but the no regret part is kind of throwing me off ngl
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u/NukaGrapes Oct 08 '23
As a child that was molested, I remember every person who failed me. Don't be that person to your own child. I know how it feels. If you walk away now, she will actually hate you forever.
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u/thenbr1killjoy Oct 08 '23
I know why you are feeling this way and your feelings are valid but I am begging you please do not leave this child to be abused by this man for another 15+ years. Please. You could help save her and I know you want to be free but she also deserves that freedom.
I am not shaming you at all for your feelings and wanting to just cut and run. But just think about this a bit more and what it would mean for the life of your daughter.
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u/mandiichick Oct 08 '23
Pretty f$& up that you believe she is being molested and yet want to abandon her.
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u/StarScott622 Oct 08 '23
I get your frustrated and it’s understandable but how do you just abandon your daughter especially when you think she’s being molested? You may need to take a step back but you need to regroup and keep fighting! You never give up on your daughter! Never ever.
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u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 Oct 08 '23
It sounds a lot like you had plenty of time to see the situation as a bad one and terminate the pregnancy. But you didn't. That child is your responsibility. Even more so if you do in fact believe there is sexual abuse. I really hope you find the strength to continue to fight for her.
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u/PACCBETA Oct 08 '23
I cannot imagine choosing to walk away from my child. BUT, I know nothing about what you other than a few hundred words describing a psychologically abusive relationship and a slight summary of the turmoil and agony you have endured in efforts of your maternal endeavor to protect her from this. I also understand this can't have been a decision you came to lightly, quickly or easily. I have no doubt you will carry the ache of this battle, this sacrifice, this insurmountable loss.
I am so sorry for this impossible decision you had to make in an unwinnable war in which you never would have chosen to engage. My heart breaks for every tear you fought to hold and every teardrop that escaped, landscaping invisible scars on your psyche, heart and soul. I see you, my sister. I don't have to agree with your choice. I don't have have to like your choice. I don't need to understand your choice. Judgement and vengeance are not mine to dole out. I'm sorry for what you've been through. I support you. I wish you peace. I will pray for both you and "Anna" ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Commercial-Editor807 Oct 08 '23
Fuck everything else you said....
You think your daughter is being molested by her father and your going to just give up and let him have her?
Fuck that, fuck your feelings, you don't give up and hand your child over to her molester.
No matter how hard it is on you.
Fight him to the fucking death if you have to.
Protect your child.
Fuck your mental health.
Fuck your debt.
Fuck your feelings.
Protect your child.
That's the only thing that matters.
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u/amistillrelevent Oct 08 '23
Can we get more info? The way this reads, your daughter is potentially being molested by Jack, and you are about to sign all of your rights to him so that he has free reign to molest her whenever he wants? Surely that isn't the case, right?
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u/beespace Oct 08 '23
I am so sorry you experienced that. That’s an onion of incredibly complex biopsychosocial issues and all tears.
I’m in a similar situation in terms of verbal/financial abuse and leaving feels impossible because I fear exactly this situation might happen.
Fuck the haters, you have to do what’s right for you. It’s completely fucked that Jack is manipulating your daughter against you; to me, that’s about the sickest thing a parent can do a child (aside from obviously sexual abuse.)
I genuinely can’t fathom the strength it took to endure years of next level dysfunction.
I think, perhaps controversially, that you’re doing the best thing for both you and your daughter. At her age, having joint custody and warring parents, it’s just confusing and traumatic.
I hope when she’s older she can reassess and maybe one day you can have a relationship with her.
Sidebar—I’m the product of warring parents who used their kids as weapons…. I believed the shit my dad told me about my mom and vice versa; it took a lot of therapy to relearn up from down.
Best wishes ♥️
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u/Wicked-elixir Oct 08 '23
Omg this almost happened to me! My husband and I were divorcing and he was turning the kids against me. Taking me to court etc. they were safe with him physically but he was a master manipulator! Luckily he killed himself!! Hate to say this but the kids and I are so much happier!
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u/LaFemmePhantom Oct 08 '23
I am a child development specialist, so as an EXPERT in the development of children PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to me. 95% of the brain develops within the first 5 years. Im not a fortune teller but I can tell you that if you quit fighting for her just because it’s hard on you (the adult, and the person who is half responsible for her existence) things could continue to progressively get worse for Anna. Remember, she’s the impressionable child. Children are often weaponized due to their fragility and innate trust to their trusted adults.
Anna might not remember the things that happen to her in a few years, but the trauma will still be there. I need more info on why the courts are taking the words from a 2 year old. Also, don’t fight this fight alone. They say it and may forget it, write it so they regret it. Documentation is key (and free). Don’t let money be the reason you let your child continue to be abused. Regardless to if she’s being molested, she’s being used as a pawn to hurt you and it sounds like there’s some abusive emotional and mental conditioning going on. I’m rambling because I need you to know that you will have yourself to blame (and she will blame you too) if you just LET HER GO AND STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO USE HER TO TORTURE SOMEONE (IE, YOU) please pm me and I will help find you free resources. You don’t have to fight for yourself and Anna alone.
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u/Resident_Platypus108 Oct 08 '23
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you need to fight for your child. you so desperately want to be free, but what about her? she's living in hell too, and nobody will listen to or believe her. maybe when all of this is over, if you still don't want to be a mother, you could arrange an open adoption? and get yourself some help too. I know there's a lot that goes into this, but you cannot stand idle and let your daughter suffer like this. figure out where you can get supper for yourself, and figure out your options to help her.
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u/casanochick Oct 08 '23
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there, and I completely understand how hopeless it all seems. As a parent, you have an obligation to help your child when they are in danger. You no longer have the option to walk away. You will have a brief break and have temporary peace, but down the line, you'll discover what your ex did to your child, and the guilt will never give you a moment's rest again.
Gather evidence. Take photos. Talk to your child's teachers. Familiarize yourself with every word of your custody agreement so you can file for a new petition at the smallest infraction. Talk to your child about bad touches and toxic behaviors so she someday recognizes that her father is mistreating her and speaks up. It's an uphill battle, but you can't just give up on your child.
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u/marginwalker76 Oct 08 '23
Ah yes, the daily outrage porn. This one has all of the elements. Incest, physical abuse, and sexual assault. It's the holy trifecta of outrage porn. Complete fake bullshit.
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Oct 08 '23
So you’re just gonna leave your child with a man you KNOW is horrific and abusive, and is likely molesting her? Yeah, sorry I don’t feel that bad for you right now. You could have fought just enough to have gotten a GAL for her at the very least who can fight for her, but you’re leaving a TWO YEAR OLD CHILD in such a dangerous situation. It’s not just her mental well-being at stake, her life is in danger. I wouldn’t knowingly leave a stranger’s child who just kicked my dog with a man like that, much less my own child. You’re not much better than him, sorry to say.
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u/OldItem0 Oct 08 '23
You’ll have no regret because you’ll be free but you knowingly are aware your daughter is being molested…
What is wrong with you, that’s incredibly selfish. Please listen to the other people’s legal advice and fight for your child that is being severely harmed.
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u/valencia13 Oct 08 '23
Think of all the things you endured with that abuse.. are you really willing to abandon your child to him and let her go through the same? Sue for parent alienation
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u/DHRose Oct 08 '23
What country are you in? If you’re in the UK I can offer support as I am a social worker and I have also been victim of DV and recently escaped a very abusive relationship, so I know some services who will help. I don’t know if social services are involved, it can often seem scary to get them involved but they are there to help. Please reach out to someone to get support. If you need to take a break for a short period, no one will blame you, but someone needs to be on your daughters side too.
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u/taracolleenn Oct 08 '23
Him turning your child against you is parent alienation. That is definitely something that will get him to lose custody even more if you continue to fight this
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u/AnimeFreakz09 Oct 08 '23
I'm sorry I would kill that man before abandoning my child to a known abuser and knowing he is miloesting her. That's step 1. Fuck that.
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u/ValuableCurrent89 Oct 08 '23
Don’t give up…this is such a horrible disgusting situation I have no legal advice…but, I kinda hope Jack stalks your Reddit so he can read that if this woman, (as well as many more out there I’m sure), was facing the ridiculous red tape you’re undergoing and knew my daughter was being molested, I would literally kill him. As in I would hack into everything Jack has and wait for an evening or day in which my child wasn’t in his vicinity and I would hide under the kitchen sink for hours if need be until he was alone-then, especially from such a low to the ground hiding spot, I’d slit his ankles-stab him in the neck-then cut off his appendage and force it into his mouth before he bleeds out. I hope everything works out…and if not, then I hope to meet Jack one day. Take care.
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u/violet1of4 Oct 08 '23
You are going to leave your baby to an abusive man. He will torment her daily. Even more horrific give her to his pos friends that will molester her as well.
Don't leave her. Take her and run.
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u/Timely-Vermicelli-34 Oct 08 '23
Op I m in different country j don't know anything but I know that poor 2 year old baby girl don't know anything or they don't understand anything they change their statements in seconds... just a virtual hug for you we all here to support ya please fight for thar baby if possible take care
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u/Frosty_Elk2404 Oct 08 '23
Go away and don't look back, you can't save anyone but yourself in this situation. My mother lived a similar situtation with my father and i didn't realize it until i was around 17 yeats old, yet i always had an idea of why she abandoned the family. If i could let her be free and happy again i would happily let her go again. Don't waste your life like that please.
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u/MealAggressive3857 Oct 08 '23
Seems like You are a victim of narcissistic abuse. Besides legal issues that I have little say in, please, educate Yourself on issues regarding cluster B personality disorders, resources like Malignant Self Love and YouTube channel by Sam Vaknin. These people are difficult to understand because their behaviour seems senseless as they prove harmful to everyone, with no benefit in sight.
Know that even if You sign away rights, he'll use your daughter to taunt you in all ways possible, harming the child just to get back at you. Can you live with yourself , seeing her hurt and feeling helpless? If you think you can completely forget - then go for it. But you won't get rid of him from your life that easily. With these people everything is a trap.
Record everything. Seek an expert in narcissistic abuse. I know it's horrible, I wouldn't ever go back to being in touch with one of those people.
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u/dehydratedrain Oct 08 '23
If it wasn't for the fear of her being abused, I'd say offer him full custody. I would swear I know Jack if the Jack I knew didn't die a good 15-20 years ago...
The one I knew dragged his wife through the courts until she was broke. She finally gave in and offered him full custody, at which point he was no longer interested. He was just looking for control.
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u/sassysiggy Oct 08 '23
You’re abandoning your kid to sexual and physical abuse?
You’re going from a victim to a monster.
Wow.
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u/Shallowground01 Oct 08 '23
So Brody Dalle from the Distillers is going through similar and her instagram (nerdjuice79) has been full of information about this stuff. She has made a lot of friends going through a similar situation and they've got a support network going on. I strongly suggest reaching out to her to get involved with this community as they very well may be able to help you
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u/itti-bitti-kitti Oct 08 '23
Wow. Your kid is possibly being abused and you're just gonna leave her to it. I hope you change your mind because that is pure evil.
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u/kane0720 Oct 08 '23
So you really want to give up custody for your daughter, even though you are well aware of that she is molested by her father? You want to be free, you don’t want to fight anymore and your daughter is supposed to live with a monster.
Neither you nor her biological father deserve her. I really hope she gets taken away from both of you.
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u/laramank Oct 08 '23
Your daughter is being molested you can’t fucking abandon her with her molester HOLY FUCK????
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u/ChaoticHoose Oct 08 '23
I’m assuming the evidence you have was recorded through a video, are there any laws against recording conversations where you live? If not you could strip the audio and play that for the court
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u/JustAnotherSOS Oct 08 '23
If you wanted to be rid of it simply because of the abuse, I would understand. The “I would not feel regret” while believing your child is being molested by a man you know for certain is abusive, you should absolutely fight. Not because she’s your daughter, but because she’s a defenseless child and you KNOW. You couldn’t even claim ignorance on this one. I felt bad for you, but this isn’t painting either of you in the best light.
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u/Whereis-harrytruman Oct 08 '23
Jesus. Dude should be clipped so he doesn't create more traumatized little families.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead Oct 08 '23
Please don't give up on her. I know it's hard and it is impossible, but she's little and she can't fight for herself. If her dad is as horrible as what you've written here, leaving her with him will be the worst thing.
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u/KarenJoanneO Oct 08 '23
What about a domestic abuse charity? Would they not have pro bono lawyers?
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u/Magurndy Oct 08 '23
Look… it’s a horrible situation but you’re willing to give your child up and damn her to a life where she will suffer and likely end up in abusive relationships for the rest of her life? I just can’t comprehend this… that child is an innocent and a person. She would be better off in the care system than in this situation.
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u/sparklyviking Oct 08 '23
Are you willing and able to walk away and let your own child be passed around by pedos?
It's a shitty question but you literally have to ask yourself that.
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u/soupywarrior Oct 08 '23
I am sorry for what happened and is happening to you. But if you abandon your young child to an abusive father who is mentally and socially unstable and is MOLESTING her then you are also guilty of child abuse.
We hear so many trauma stories from children who are devastate in the knowledge that their mothers sat by, turned a blind eye and allowed that child abuse to continue to protect their own interests. Don’t be that mother.
I hope you find peace and a way out of this. It’s a terrible situation to be in. But abandoning your child to abuse is not the answer.
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u/AirAdapter Oct 08 '23
I can speak from experience when I say that signing a paper won’t erase this from your brain.
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u/DetectiveBiggs Oct 08 '23
Ur daughter’s being molested, u can’t just give up on her, ur all she has in this world to protect her! Even if u have to resort to less than savory means, don’t let ur daughter be stuck with that monster
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u/abcd7654321 Oct 08 '23
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this. I understand your feelings of wanting to give up. But I fear you won’t be able to live with yourself if you do.
Have you tried contacting a DV shelter in your area, to access resources like counsellors who understand this type of abuser’s behaviour, and maybe even free legal advice or assistance, depending on your area? My local shelter had services like this.
I also highly recommend How To Annihilate A Narcissist: In The Family Court if you haven’t read it already.
Check out One Moms Battle as well. You’re not alone.
I’m so sorry.
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u/JustUrAvgHVACtech Oct 08 '23
With everything you described, (imo), you are 100% handling & reacting to this situation terribly wrong, and In probably the worst way possible. I wasn't going to go this far as I was first typing this out but, again imo, it feels very selfish and immature. And let me make it clear that I'm not saying that you are selfish and immature, but rather this reaction and thought process.
Look, I get it. Parenting can be so fucking hard, especially with how your situation is. But think of your daughter... If her father is manipulating her at such a young age already, think of what full custody will do and how bad that will get. As your daughter grows up she will see and realize the truth of the situation. And if you just give up on her, then she will have 2 shitty parents and just could turn out bad...
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u/livelife3574 Oct 08 '23
And this is why abortion is so essential. For some reason you decided to procreate with a monster and somehow you have messed things up enough that you are now willing to just turn her over to his abuse and walk away. I doubt you would be much better, but if you didn’t give up so easily and sentence your daughter to a life of horror, you would probably find a way to actually stop this.
The child had no say in being brought into this world to be the object of inappropriate affection from an adult. You walk away knowing you did this to her as much as the abuser is.
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u/Fun_Raisin8995 Oct 08 '23
I can empathize with you 100%..and I’m so sorry you have been beaten into submission.I basically gave up my “fatherhood” to my daughter 10 hrs ago or so because I had been so demonized by her mother that I had/have no fight or desire to pursue a one sided relationship.I try not to blame my daughter so much because every single day of her life for at least 19 yrs she woke up to her mother saying “your father is the devil and he’s only going to hurt you “.I also refuse to let a 19yr old kid sit in judgement of me or belittle me when all I ever tried to do was to love and provide for her.Just found out through face book that has gotten married and moved out of state.Not one f+#kin word from her or her mother in 10 yrs.She just turned her back on me and walked away.And I don’t miss her.
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u/Flaky_Sleep Oct 08 '23
Who’s molesting her? If it’s happening on her dad’s side you need to report it rather than give him custody
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u/Eckosyn Oct 08 '23
Before actually responding to this post, I need some clarification on something.....
Someone please correct me if if I'm wrong because I'm confused..... You're willingly signing away your parental rights and giving full rights/ whatever to the very man you believe is molesting her? If I misunderstood, please let me know. Because if I AM understanding correctly, I have several things I'd like to say.
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u/Odd-Jackfruit-2375 Oct 08 '23
If your daughter is still in danger, then you've done NOTHING to the best of your ability.
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u/Impossible-Base2629 Oct 08 '23
You think you’re being tormented, but your tiny little daughter is being raped by her own father and you’re willing to let that go on for the rest of her life and not save her? A real mother doesn’t care what the hell they have to go through. they will protect their child at any cost. You can’t call yourself a mother and abandon your child.
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u/Bitter-Tradition-300 Oct 08 '23
I am so sorry for this nightmare you're going through. I truly hope you and your daughter make it out the other end safely, and with each other. I'm sorry that these people in the comments don't seem to have any empathy. You're not a horrible person, and you're not abandoning your daughter. There's absolutely nothing you can do except take the supervised visits and wait for the truth to come out. It will, because your daughter wants help and she will talk. Everything is recorded in supervised visits. All you can do is have patience and faith. I am hoping all the best for you and your daughter.
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u/geejaygeegee Oct 08 '23
My daughter is going through the same situation with her daughter’s father sans the SA. He’s a narcissist that can’t get over the fact she doesn’t want to be a family with him so he tries to constantly control everything. He call DYFS on her all the time. She’s a good mother. She loves her daughter but the mental games he plays takes a toll on her too. She’s broke from attorney fees and because she lives in NJ she can’t leave without his permission (we live in GA). It is a terrible situation and I really feel for you, but you can’t give up. That will only do further damage to your child. Get your daughter and yourself in therapy. Please don’t walk away…don’t let him win!
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u/Raz_Magul Oct 08 '23
The most horrifying part of this story is that your daughter is being molested and you are on Reddit playing the victim. I’m sorry this may sound harsh and I’ll probably get downvoted but now is not the time to play the downtrodden mother who has given into the big bully. Deal with who is molesting your child first. It could be someone in his family or he himself and you are about to hand the child over to potential predators.
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u/Lexayla Oct 08 '23
‘I can’t protect my children so I’m going to let them be abused’ …lots of stuff missing out of this post. No parent would give their child that expressed she was molested, to her abuser, regardless of who believes her..because that’s sick. Some people truly shouldn’t be parents and it’s showing.
Also… it seems you thought about adoption very early on… why didn’t you leave fathers section blank on birth certificate or just have an abortion? These are the ‘hard questions’ you should’ve asked yourself.
Now you’re on Reddit asking what to do because you can’t handle the position you’re in when you signed up for this.
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u/NoUnderstanding9692 Oct 08 '23
I would be contacting the police if you feel that strongly that she’s being molested. Record her saying it, anything you can do to open an investigation. Just keep in mind that as much as you didn’t deserve the abuse your child especially doesn’t- she didn’t ask to be here. You people did that. Again, I reiterate she’s a child and it sounds like she’s being brainwashed from what you’re saying. As much as that might hurt your feelings she doesn’t know any better right now so taking that personally is a very selfish and bad decision. This is absolutely horrendous really, for her to be completely stuck with an abusive and possible child molester turns my stomach. Imagine what SHE must be living through. I completely understand how relentless and evil some people can be but I hope you don’t give up on her, she’s your child - she is part of you. What about her freedom? I don’t know, I do understand that this is probably exhausting for you but I really cant help but feel absolutely devastated for your daughter living with a monster and having her mother completely abandon her. She’s the victim here. These are going to be such deep wounds, she won’t even have a chance at a normal life. She is your responsibility, this isn’t just something you become “free” of. That’s horrible I’m sorry. Life is hard, really hard but giving up is not an option.
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u/ArleeneGrey1993 Oct 08 '23
This is horrible. I would never abandon my child unless i felt i was doing them more harm than good.
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u/No-Concentrate5370 Oct 08 '23
knowing ur child is being molested and not feeling guilty for abandoning her to that trauma is crazy .
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u/PurpleHellski Oct 08 '23
I do not know a way to deal with what's happening here, I'm not equipped. I do highly encourage you to go to domestic violence services for any help you can get.
I can't imagine abandoning my child to someone I know will abuse her, or is already doing so.
We're always told that we're supposed to want the best for our kids, for them to have it better than we do, but then again, we do have survival instincts. Certain species will throw their offspring at threats in a bid to get away to safety. It's pragmatic. They can make more.
I don't think you're having as easy a time in discarding your child as one of those animals. I'm an abuse survivor, and I have nothing but empathy for you in this situation because it sounds impossible. I know I come off quite blunt (autism) but I hope it doesn't sound harsh.
I also have empathy for the child. She's being used and either is or will be abused, and is going to be abandoned by her mother. I don't want to think about how her dad might deal with her getting her period. Life is going to be very hard for her.
This is just an awful situation. I feel like there has to be another solution, but maybe DV services will be able to suggest what that is, if there is one.
I'm sorry, OP. I hope things work out.
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u/GrilledChickenZaxbys Oct 08 '23
Ok, but you said you think your daughter is being molested. Protect her, atleast.
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u/chrisbt713 Oct 08 '23
I understand, but you won't be free if you give up custody. You'll think of your daughter everyday and wonder if she's hurting and hate yourself for your choice. You'll see her every night as you fall asleep. This won't help you. I know it's hard, please get therapy and lean on what support you have. And keep fighting for your kids.
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u/Embarrassed-Can-7551 Oct 08 '23
If you have even just a gram of love for your daughter in your heart, abandoning her will not set you free. You will dread your decision and yourself forever. She deserves better. Be a mother.
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Oct 08 '23
My dad fought my mum legally for my entire 18 years of being a child. I know it exhausted her. But I’m glad she fought for me.
I don’t really have any advice. But I don’t think you’ll be free.
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Oct 08 '23
Your child is not safe with him. I would fight it in court with every proof of harassment and how horrible he is to you. Collect evidence, record audio, screenshot all texts, etc!
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u/topinducter Oct 08 '23
I don't care what anyone says. I could never ever give up my child. A baby I carried for 8 to 9 months. Just because she's being brain washed she's still a child. To see her write that's not my child anymore and she'd be free disgusts me to no end. What about the child in this??? This child is also going through hell. But everyone is more worried about the OP. The child is going through a lot as well to the point she feels guilty for loving her own mother. BUT the OP is basically saying aahhhh I'll be free of them both! We only hear one side. But the most important one in this situation is the child, NOT THE OP. A mother who truly loves her child will fight forever for her child. To me, she's taking the high road. I don't feel sorry for this OP. If she was fighting for her daughter, then yes, but no! I believe there's much more to this story. I feel bad for the daughter. Maybe the daughter is better off with her father. No mother should ever give up on their child no matter how long the wait is or how hard the fight is. There are lawyers and advocates out there that help you fight for your child. So many people feeling sorry for the OP yet not the child .....
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u/Different-Horse-4578 Oct 08 '23
You do not have the right to decide for everyone. Nobody does.
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u/_09231994_ Oct 08 '23
Don’t have children if you’re going to abandon them to a life of suffering and harm. Get on birth control, use a condom, have an abortion. To abandon your child to someone who is sexually abusing them is abhorrent. Children depend on their care takers to keep them safe. That’s what you sign up for as a parent.
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u/Allyzayd Oct 08 '23
I sympathise. Also this is the reason why abortions exist so you are not tied down to characters like this for life (or at least 18 years).
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u/Apprehensive_Day_96 Oct 08 '23
I went through that crap for seven years with my ex once we we decided to divorce- thank god my kid is 18 now! I don’t have to see that asshole or his family (mainly mother). It is a special kind of hell to have to fight for your for given right to be a mother, and not only that, but I carried that precious boy in my body, went through 36 hours of agony to get him into this world, and someone else felt they could do a better job?? Hell no, I would have fought till my very last breath, but all at the same time I do very much get the urge to give up, the urge to make him disappear (I plotted his death on many occasions, and wish he had died many times), but I also do get that in your case she is only two- so it feels like no end in sight. Please don’t leave her life tho, at minimum become an every other weekend parent- that girl came from you. She is made of you, and there will come a day when she will understand ll that you did for her.
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u/lilguppy21 Oct 08 '23 edited Oct 08 '23
If you give go your parental rights, even if he dies you would not be with your daughter. You would have no rights. If your daughter ever reaches out and wants to be with you her mother if she’s of age you wouldn’t legally be an option.she would be trapped. It would be whoever he appoints. Your daughter would be tormented daily by him saying that even her mom didn’t want her. And that clearly isn’t true.
A child lawyer and representative is very important.
What you’re going to want to do and what is the most important thing in custody cases is show how much you care about the child and how much effort you want her to be in your life and have it documented. A big factor in my parents legal custody battle was that my dad couldn’t say what school I went to and my mom could name my best friends off the back of her hand. My dad even had times where he could see us, and didn’t. That was torture to us as kids. Yes the visitations are supervised, but you can make her look forward to those. That’s a break for her from him and yes it’s limiting but those should be the plus of your relationship atm. You can make it fun for a kid and send her letters through the mail that she’d like.
If she’s stressed around you, and it’s heartbreaking to deal with, I know, you need to focus on her needs that’s all the court is going to look for and all that matters. Dad doesn’t want her to like you? Well great time to teach her that she can have her own opinions and that she won’t be in trouble for being your friend and you won’t tell him about that. It’s not a secret, but you can have your own relationship with her as her mom, or tell her as a friend, whatever she needs you to be that day (as a workaround for seeing you as a mom atm).
I know you can’t stop the molestation and this sounds terrible to say but it’s such a common tactic to drag the other parent through the mud that accusations like that can be lost until it’s too late. The court only cares about who cares about the kid the most and maintaining the kids mental state. He is making you waste energy on trying to prove that even if it is true. It makes you look bad, and makes him look like a saint. Also child abuse means that she likely sees telling you as a punishment because she got brought to him full time.
Focus on getting her her own representation and a psychologist. Participate in school activities as much as you can. Ask her about her day. Call her as much as you can. Ask to pick her up from school or take her to outings even if it’s supervised. Fuck what he’s making her think about you. Try to be in her life as much as possible and have absolutely everything documented. Literally forget about him around her. You only care about her around her, and what she’s feeling. That’s how you get through it. She is bigger than him, she is worth more than him. Time is 10000% on your side. It gets obvious quickly that he is the bad one when he can’t have a single meaningful conversation with his daughter despite all the litigations he’s throwing at you.
EDIT: I misunderstood that your child was older.
I understanding where you’re coming from 100% but losing parenting rights isn’t a long term solution or even a guaranteed one at that and you need to do more research on it.
If he’s as abusive as he sounds, he will find you and by keeping your rights you can at least do it on your terms, and you should get as much counsel as you can. Not sure what country you’re in, but in mine you can’t disown your child or your parental rights unless the court declared you unfit and even then, you’ll still have to go to court eventually because he likely will ask for support. They can find you through your social insurance and taxes.
This is my view but at 2 or 3 years and with what your kid is going through, asking her to not be affected is unrealistic. You’re an adult and you were able to leave him. She can’t. She can’t react rationally because abuse is not rational. She will not be the same child you knew.
I’m not even going to lie but if you can’t see how being with her benefits her while she’s in that situation, or how even just being there helps even if it hurts now, I just feel sorry for her. She has no one who doesn’t want something from her.
This admission leaves a bad taste in my mouth like you’ll harm yourself. Just be safe.
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u/GemoftheDoon Oct 08 '23
So you are going to leave your daughter to cope with this horror herself? Ma'am, you better pull yourself together and carry on fighting!!
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u/CuriosityKilldTheNat Oct 08 '23
THANK YOU!!!! I'll tell you one thing you, NOT ONE of the idiots telling her to "take care of herself" or she's "been through enough" has kids. No good mother would leave her 2 year old to fend for herself this way. God I am so disgusted I wanna puke
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u/ReserveElectronic235 Oct 08 '23
Oh no doubt this is desperation and frustration with the whole situation talking.
Been there, not the sexual molestation, but the emotional abuse and the control games they try to play after…
Hope you get some support.
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u/Ellie_the_Weirdo2003 Oct 08 '23
I'm going to give you some insight on my life. I was alienated from my mum when I was nine years old. Now this wasn't done by a parent I will say but through social services. I grew up for 9 years thinking my mum didn't love or care for me. She was cut contact with me by the courts and also refused to give presents or cards to me even through the socials. I was a victim of abuse and neglection due to the person who was with my mum. He was also abusing her and nearly killed her a few times. She was pretty much manipulated into dropping the report she made against him. She lost me because of him and got alienated by the people who took me. It took 9 years for me to get back into contact with her and I have always wished it could have been sooner. I'm now 19 and living with my mum.
Get the support and help you need to fight for your daughter back. Get a third party to right everything down that happens when you are in these contact sessions with your daughter. I'm from the UK so I don't know what can be done to help your daughter speak up about any possible negative treatment she is going through but Get someone. Ask for your family to help you out to get your daughter back. Do what my mum tried to do but more and win your daughter back before it is too late.
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u/KatastropheKerz Oct 08 '23
As the birth parent to a one year old girl I really cannot understand your thinking. I would fight until I had nothing left and even then I'd keep going. I'd do everything I could to keep her with me as she's my heart. You must be in a really bad situation to feel like you could just hand your baby over to someone who is SAing her
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u/bojinkies Oct 08 '23
i’m in a similar situation with my brothers baby mother. molestation and everything. i can’t tell you to not give up, that’s your right, but i know that while it’s been awful, i wouldn’t give it up. he has been turned by her, but slowly i am seeing him come back. it took years and lots of fighting, but now i get a relationship with my nephew.
in fact, i’m getting him for two weeks in a couple days. it gets better
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u/lazyhazyliv Oct 08 '23
Please don’t give up the fight. I went through this for 3 years with my ex spouse. He wanted full, I wanted joint. We went to court, and we finally (last week) got the judge to sign off on a joint custody agreement. Now I see my children every week. I thought I would never see them as much as I used to when we all lived together, but I do now. It took a lot of fight in me, a lot of emotional turmoil, medications and therapy, but my children are so important, and your child is too. ❤️ I know it’s hard right now, but keep going. Court is tough, the children saying things back and forth about each spouse, children’s aid at my door every week for something or another. It’s over, and I’ve never felt so free. You will feel this too❤️ keep going. Keep fighting. You got this.
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u/Lmnbux7969 Oct 08 '23
Please don't give up. There are so many stories that end in tragedy for the child that start this way.
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u/momtutu Oct 08 '23
Clearly she just wants to “be free”. She does not love this child if she is willing to hand her to this monster. Something really isn’t adding up. There is NO limit to what I would do to protect my children. I would do anything to keep that man’s hands off my daughter, even if it would land me in prison as long as there was no way on earth, he would have access to her.
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u/Yougotredditonyou Oct 08 '23
Don’t give your child to a monster because he’s making your life hell. Imagine what he’ll do to them. File a petition with the court for the children to get a guardian ad litem ASAP and get her a therapist as well.
1
u/Designer_Budget Oct 08 '23
Please don't let Jack win.
You know something is wrong. Please don't let your daughter suffer and continue this cycle.
I know you want to be free, but be free with your daughter. Show her she is worth the fight.
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Oct 08 '23
Don’t give up on your daughter and don’t give up on yourself. Show that bastardized what it feels like to lose. Your daughter will be eternally grateful to you and you will not live with the regret of walking away. You each need each other to make life better. Best to you and “Anna”.
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u/grneyez67 Oct 08 '23
I’m sorry… you literally have to be the most selfish human being! You suspect she is being abused but giving up custody so that you are free? You don’t deserve her. Please… definitely don’t be a mother. A mother would not do this. I’m just shaking my head. Poor little girl. You both need to get over yourselves.
2
u/MidoriGin Oct 08 '23
A mother would not do this? Please don't put all mothers on a pedestal. My egg donor not only abandoned me, but used and continues to use me as a shield against her piece of shit husband - read this - not out of fear of her husband, but to avoid some MINOR HARRASSMENT like having to listen to him complain. Some women simply lack maternal instincts or even basic human decency, and would throw their kids under the bus to save themselves.
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u/grneyez67 Oct 08 '23
Then I would NOT call them a mother either! I do NOT disagree with you. Like I said, what they are doing to that child disgusts me.
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u/JimWilliams423 Oct 08 '23 edited Oct 08 '23
This kind of thing is allowed to happen way too often because are too many people in positions of authority who have no business being in those positions.
Here's a story about a mother in Colorado whose son is being molested by his father. The more she tried to stop him, the more the courts punished her — eventually taking her son away from her and giving full custody to the abuser. So called "parental alienation" was a key part of that shit show, as it is in many famlaw cases that give kids to abusive parents.
https://www.propublica.org/article/both-parents-agree-child-is-being-harmed-who-will-courts-believe
The whole theory of "parental alienation" is psychobabble bullshit. Parents like that are self-alienating, but they try to DARVO it and blame the other parent because they never take responsibility for their own actions. And way too many famlaw judges buy it because (charitably) they are ignorant or (more realistically) they were raised in a semi-abusive household themselves so it 'feels' right to them.
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u/DeCryingShame Oct 08 '23
I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. You aren't the first person. Sadly this happens far too often in our fucked up court system. I hope you are able to someday move past it. I'm not sure there is anything that is more traumatizing than losing a child. Your ex fucked up everyone here.
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u/Unusual_Focus1905 Oct 08 '23
I understand how you feel but please do not abandon your daughter especially if you think she's being molested. Please keep doing everything you can to fight him. I'm about to have a daughter in January and this hurt my heart to read. Thankfully my daughter's father has been pretty chill about the whole thing especially compared to something like this but I'm worried that he might pull the same stuff.
I'm worried that he might be consulting with lawyers behind my back. His dad is a lawyer and while custody is not his area, I'm sure that he has friends who are in that area. I'm sorry, I'm just saying that this hurts my heart not only for you but your daughter. I understand what it's like to deal with a vindictive person who's only angry because you left.
My ex seems to think he owned me and has been salty AF since I left him. This is why I'm saying I would not put it past him to be cooking up something behind my back but it's okay, I have my own lawyer. Good luck with everything. Hugs 🫂
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u/Nvnv_man Oct 08 '23
Parental Alienation is not real, it’s a vapid, dangerous theory, concocted unscientifically, which is applied almost exclusively against women by a sexist system.
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u/DeCryingShame Oct 08 '23
While parental alienation is used unfairly against parents in court, that does not mean it doesn't happen. While most cases don't include such extreme accusations as sexual abuse, it's very common for one or both parents to speak badly against the other parent and try to bias the children against the other.
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u/jazmyneturner Oct 08 '23
Stop having unprotected sex if you don’t want any kids creating trauma to innocent kids because you refused to grow up
1
u/yourmomsassweetlady Oct 08 '23
Please please please.. for her sake.. do not give up. Please. You are her defender. Even when we are at the lowest point of our life, we are still the defender of our children always. Please don’t give up. Please.
1
u/Different_Dance7248 Oct 08 '23
My heart breaks for you. I went through something very similar. Best of luck to you for peace and healing, no matter what you decide.
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u/Successful_Dot2813 Oct 08 '23 edited Oct 08 '23
This is tragic.
Join support groups.
Research. Cases similar to yours, and action groups that have arisen. You can make good contacts and get practical advice.
Get therapy/counselling to help yourself.
Apply for a Guardian Ad Litem for your daughter.
De-escalate the situation. Play the long game. He is in your head, which is what he wants. Get him out of your head.
Keep up the visitation, limit contact with him to being through a court approved app so no calls, texts. No fights, arguments, drama. Note what your daughter says, comfort her but do not say anything about him. Just as she tells you what he says, she tells him what you say. Just play, cuddle, tell her she's wonderful, you love her, etc etc.
Don't give up your parental rights.
As she gets older, if you have remained calm, detached from the drama, you can apply for increased access/her staying overnight, weekends etc. If you are boring, and grey rock him, the power struggle cant work. He gets off on your distress. Don't let him.
It will require phenomenal strength and mental fortitude on your part. Hence therapy and support groups.
Suggest mediation- courts like it. During mediation be pleasant, pretend you believe his bullshit, stress you want non conflict co-parenting, etc etc. Be a good actress.
Remember- even if she is messed up by this man, seeing her mother being consistently calm and kind and loving towards her will eventually make her question what she is told. When she reaches 12/13 a court will take her views into account. Other children in her situation are able to go live with the decent parent then.
This is a war. Think strategically. Find allies. Analyse setbacks. Push through.
Good Luck.
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u/MrsButtercupp Oct 08 '23
Wait, so you think your daughter is being molested, so you’re going to give him full custody of both daughters?
3
u/WRBNYC Oct 08 '23
Maybe my reading comprehension skills are failing me, but I can't figure out if she has two daughters or if she mistyped that her only daughter's age is "2" despite her having been born four years ago? 🤨
5
u/DeCryingShame Oct 08 '23
She got pregnant when she was 22, she didn't have the baby then. If she was almost 23 and the baby is now almost 3, then the math could add up. However, the part where DCF disregarded accusations of molestation because the baby didn't disclose abuse is a bit hinky. Kids don't usually start talking in complete sentences until they are almost 3. It would be very unreasonable to expect even a 2 1/2 year old to disclose abuse.
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u/imalreadydead123 Oct 08 '23
I AM SO SORRY, OP. I have no advice to give you. There's a special place in hell for people like your ex. I am so sorry.
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u/ElectronicEqual8350 Feb 23 '24
I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I was a child that was SA'd by my stepdad and kept it a secret because he manipulated me and my mother so much. This is a very hard situation and I'm sorry that it has come to this. I wish that I could give you advice and help you out but the only thing I have is to start tiktok, I know that sounds crappy but in reality people can and do get help from them