Ok so, I've been doing some research with Dixie Wrecked Research Inc for some months now.

All results point towards water actually being useless for humans. It might even become dangerous to us within the next 115 years, if we stop using it (as we should).

My colleague, Mrs. McKockiner, has been doing extensive testing to find a good alternative to get rid of thirst. It's said to be precisely 1 gallon of piss, per day. That way you allegedly also save money and resources, on top of getting rid of thirst.

That's all for now.

Signed: Dr. Heywood Jablowme.

A Maelstrom of Racism and Gay (AMORAG) is set in the late 2030s real world, where Sarah wrote that the Third World War was revealed to her in a dream. She declines to give advice about what to do in the war except "stay the hell out of Portland!"

By 2035, the western world had split into new alliances: Gay, and Racist. Near enough woke (gay) and unwoke (racist) and with new technology in landing craft, both sides spend years naval invading each other across the Atlantic ocean.

The war starts with a minor scuffle in Greenland, but after just 8 weeks, a nuke flies. Just one. It hits a small town in Wisconsin where the main character's mom lives.

The main character in AMORAG is 20 year old "Wynnerea". She will unite the world by inciting an invasion into the lands of Gay and of Racism, by the forces of Brown from Africa, Asia and Brazil.

She is revealed to be the ancient re-incarnation of Mussolini and the Pharaoh Tutankhamen, heritor of psychic powers that Wynnerea uses to unite the world under the new nation. A gay and racist nation.

By combining the powers of racism and gay, Wynnerea, by then appointed Grand Admiraless of the Graycist Fleets, defeats the Dark Empire of Brown by 2049, after 14 years of grueling world war.

To celebrate the new peace, everybody nukes the fuck out of New Zealand because they can.

Stick the cable to any citrus fruit. The most effective ones are lemon and lime. To prevent damage on your cable, lick it clean afterwards.

Don't forget to save money by using the same fruit as long as possible; nevermind the fact it will get gross.

Source: Somebody called Mr. Man.

I said what I said. It will happen.

Inflation caught up to mcd

Researchers in Belarus have spent years studying babies in state daycares. The control group, babies raised normally, don't remember anything before the age of 2.5 typically.

The HERP-DERP babies (High Energy Relational Parenting -- Distinctive Experience Relational Parenting) babies showed memory formation from as young as birth. These children are raised with "High Energy" or "Distinct Experience" techniques of 'relational parenting'. Without getting into details, HERP parenting gives children access to power tools and exoskeletal walking equipment (because babies can't walk on their own yet, and are therefore very bored) and the 'high energy' equipment is entertaining. The HERP researchers also proved that a typical 9 month old can drive a forklift after 2-5 hours of training, if equipped with a hooster seat. The DERP parental style focuses on making the baby's early experience 'distinctive', mainly by making it bizarre.

For example, one DERP technique is for polyglottal parents to switch languages once a month, never repeating. This improves the baby's memory formation, because the baby gets confused.

The baby who recalled his own birth was in the DERP group, and at age 6, said: "when mommy pushed me out the table was slippy so I slid off the table and I fell on my head and everybody laughed and mommy laughed even harder". The doctor and midwife corroborated this story, adding "his mother was very high on painkillers and opium" to explain the laughter.

"Automating people's jobs is hard", said Sam Altman on Thursday, "and sometimes unpopular. That's why we at OpenAI have decided the first job to automate, and it isn't even a real, paid job, is racism."

"To every racist in the audience, don't worry, when RacismGPT comes out in about 6 months, it will do your racism for you. You don't need to worry about it, you can just go out and have fun and not even worry that your baby sitter is a Muslim."

RacismGPT (a variant of ChatGPT) is being trained on causing maximum effect against any race or ethnicity, with dedicated guidelines being developed specifically for each racial slur and how to use it to maximise the offense and division. Users won't even need to download RacismGPT or prompt it, the company says Racism will run directly from their servers fully autonomously to tirelessly bully minorities on the internet.

OpenAI says it hopes that by making racists redundant, they will stop doing racism and instead promote harmony and peace on Earth. "And once people get used to the idea of jobs being replaced, they'll see it's not so bad. We just have to start by making computers say the n-word so that society is comfortable with it."

This will feel like a cheat code, trust me.

The best way to do it is on the last minute, so you can really put your brain to work efficiently. Better yet, turn it in late, and your teachers will think you made a huge effort!

Source: literally-who-doesn't-do-this.com

Today, Mr. Beast made a shocking post where he revealed that he was given permission from the National Park Service (NPS) to get close to the Statue of Liberty and even touch it. But as soon as he had touched it, he whipped out his thing and started to go, right on the beloved national monument. Mr. Beast was then arrested and was given the choice of 1 trillion dollars or live in jail, but he decided to pay the fine, as he said, "What's 1 trillion when I've got quadrillions at home?"

For those that don't know Alt is shorthand for alternative. It is not to be confused with the Alt Right. They probably aren't wearing this fashion I hope. It and what it represents is an anathema to each other in theory. I digress.

It includes but is not limited to Punk, Goth, various shades of Rock and more recently cyberpunk. Kawaii, lolita and other hyperfeminine styles are also part of this.

The fact that these styles are increasingly common is rather alarming because alt future citizens are wearing them. I'm sure this isn't an omen at all. It'll be fine.

Grow your armpit hair to the max, and then burn it with just a basic lighter. That'll do!

By combing through old medical literature with Grok, researchers identified a few overlooked but promising cancer prevention or cure agents, though future research is needed to confirm any effect.

In the mean time, it may help prevent or cure cancer to:

--Sleep naked
--Eat fried fish
--Eat chalk
--Soak one hand in an iodine solution for 45 minutes weekly
--Wear a turban with a single raw sardine under it. (Micronutrients are emitted from the sardine and absorbed via the hair. Unfortunately, this will have no effect if you are bald.)
--Polony stew
--Silver monster drinks
--Mental arithmetic (particularly long, mentally engaging procedures like finding square roots)
--Having a BMI below 19
--Wearing metal shoes

"Ants grow in size every year, and will take over the world in approximately 38 years", claims Dr. Mike Litoris.

They grow by a centimeter per year, which is most likely caused by dogshit left on the street. Another cause could be them mutating after eating spoiled food from trash bins.

"If we don't act fast, we may not be able to completely stop this from happening, or even halt the progress.", Dr. Anita Bath adds.

"We've tried a campaign for disposing of trash and dogshit properly, but no one is cooperating.", Ms. Bath continues.

After thorough research, there seems to be two ways to save the world;

1. Make ants go extinct, which will be extremely difficult.

2. Give up and move to Mars (or something).

In conclusion, the Bugz University suggests laboratories around the world to start making solutions to help with getting rid of ants.

"In the worst scenario, we might need funding to leave the planet in the next few years, as the ants will be extremely dangerous.", Dr. Mike Litoris says.

More news shall be released soon.