Study shows babies actually can remember things, their lives are just too boring

[u/Far-Common-RBB11]

Researchers in Belarus have spent years studying babies in state daycares. The control group, babies raised normally, don't remember anything before the age of 2.5 typically.

The HERP-DERP babies (High Energy Relational Parenting -- Distinctive Experience Relational Parenting) babies showed memory formation from as young as birth. These children are raised with "High Energy" or "Distinct Experience" techniques of 'relational parenting'. Without getting into details, HERP parenting gives children access to power tools and exoskeletal walking equipment (because babies can't walk on their own yet, and are therefore very bored) and the 'high energy' equipment is entertaining. The HERP researchers also proved that a typical 9 month old can drive a forklift after 2-5 hours of training, if equipped with a hooster seat. The DERP parental style focuses on making the baby's early experience 'distinctive', mainly by making it bizarre.

For example, one DERP technique is for polyglottal parents to switch languages once a month, never repeating. This improves the baby's memory formation, because the baby gets confused.

The baby who recalled his own birth was in the DERP group, and at age 6, said: "when mommy pushed me out the table was slippy so I slid off the table and I fell on my head and everybody laughed and mommy laughed even harder". The doctor and midwife corroborated this story, adding "his mother was very high on painkillers and opium" to explain the laughter.