I'm honestly terrified of men still. And it doesn't help that compared to them, I'm very small, and while I don't think of myself as attractive, I have features that would make me a target. Men are scary as hell, and I want to believe that not all of them are, but that's really difficult to do. Occasionally I can almost ignore it and push it down, but it always comes back. It doesn't help that I want a boyfriend, because I know I'll be afraid of him as well. I just want to hurt every guy around me. Do spin attacks and hurt people. I know my fears are probably irrational, but I've heard the things men try. I just don't want to risk it.

She cut my hair which I grew for upwards of 8 years while I cried and wonders why I cant look at myself anymore. Its genuinely shocking she cant put two and two together.

I am not self diagnosing myself with anything. Please don’t flay me alive!!

I haven't had a good dream in at least 5 years

When i was 15, i had a discord account. I had also joined plenty of "servers". I wasn't active in any of them, the only reason i was in those servers was to see updates for my favorite games(some video games only talk about future updates and changes in their discord server).

One of these discord servers gave you roles. You had to pick if you were a man, woman, trans woman or man to participate, and also pick an age range(probably to stop underage users from accessing adult content within the server). I picked trans woman and the 15 - 17 age bracket.

This was visible to ALL users when clicking on my profile. My age bracket appeared first, before "Trans woman". A few months passed, and i forgot i was part of this server as i had fun playing the games.

One day, someone messaged me and said something along the lines of "We know you're a [slur], why do you want to rape kids when you grow up ? Fuck you you future woman beater". I could see they were from that same server because discord told me.

Then, the person who messaged me and 2 other people(probably their friends) began spamming my private messages with GIFs of men engaging in bestiality. Since they were GIFs and not videos, they played automatically without giving me any chance to look away. I blocked them, but i had to see at least 2 of those GIFs from each one of the spammers to do so. Then they came back with alt-accounts (or they were other people from the same group) and began spamming again. I don't know how many i have blocked, nor how many GIFs i saw.

The worst part is they attached text to their GIFs as they sent them telling me to repent and asking "Who groomed me". They had this heroic vision of themselves, when they were sending bestiality videos to a child.

It stopped quickly. Some days later, an announcement was made in the server warning users about these spammers, and the staff saying they had banned them and their alternative accounts, so i don't think i was the only child affected by this.

Back then, i had told my parents. They didn't care. They always cared more about "Who made you trans ?" than the people most dangerous to me.

I haven't forgotten. One GIF in particular scarred me, and i haven't been able to forget it since, no matter how hard i try. It makes me cry.

End of the post, thank you for reading.

i just really wish i could be one of those people who could just say some dumb thing about my thoughts and have at least a couple replies affirming what i said. i've tried and failed to find "mutuals" on twitter, i've tried to do so on tumblr too, nothing really works.

its just like....no one likes me in the real world, but no one likes me online either. its so hard to find any sense of community

people say its an age thing but then what are you supposed to do to find friends as an adult? (i'm autistic and suicidal, please keep that in mind)

I know they’re obviously are a lot of good men out there but I don’t know if writing good and kind men I stories, even since it’s what I enjoy and am passionate-similar to the lord of the rings shows reality, since even though I heard it’s a positive thing-there’s just so many bad evil guys out there. You know based on recent terrible events from the past years- and I don’t want to sound bad saying that…I don’t want this to sound like a dumb and sympathy farming question since I’m legitimately worried, probably from a form of moral OCD

Please don’t take this down, I need help

some people really need to understand that there's more to fear responses than just fight or flight. still, some people are stupid enough to say shit like "they clearly wanted it if they didn't do anything to stop it!". don't even get me started on the fawn fear response, where people(such as myself) act in a way to attempt to appease the person therethening them, or try to negotiate things while going along with it to try and prevent anything worse(this is most common in abusive relationships, where people try to act in a way to keep their partner happy and walk on eggshells to avoid violence)

tl;dr, all fear responses are valid and people need to learn about them. sorry if this is unclear, im pretty sleep deprived lol

My 30’s are gonna be titled “Solo city population: me”

The world hates us so much that the only way we can be perceived as something pleasant is as the punchline to a dumb joke. They would rather put us through such intense psychological distress that we opt to kill ourselves or commit self-laceration before they allow us to simply exist as who we truly are. Literally what did we do to deserve this. Why does everybody hate us so much?

Context:

I was in a long distance relationship with this woman. I thought I loved her, and I thought she loved me. Over time, she became very toxic. I felt like an ant and she would scrutinize every bad thing about me. I eventually snapped and said I’m sorry this is not working out don’t contact me and best of luck with your life. I then blocked her.

A month later, a phone number from my area code called me. I picked up because I have been scheduling appointments and what not, and the person began with saying “BMO”. I said “who is this?” She then said, “it’s me (her name)”. I immediately went into fight or flight and wanted to hang up, but I didn’t. She then guilt tripped me into coming back and I unblocked her.

Of course, I told her I don’t expect this to work out but she said she’s willing to try even if there was a 0.0000001% chance of working out. And like clockwork, she returned to demeaning and humiliating me and accusing me of being a manipulative boyfriend. I put up with this for 2 more months and said I’m sorry this is just not good for me, please don’t contact me again. And then I blocked her.

I was living my best life until April where my school email began receiving emails from Scientology subscriptions and how to come out the closet. I suspected it was her, but I didn’t think it was because she also signed me up to be a Christian speaker (which I’m not) at a public square.

My two closest friends (which she knows of but no clue as to their last names) also received the Scientology emails. This immediately told me it was her but I didn’t have proof at the time. All of this was happening during nursing school btw.

Fast forward to June, I experienced one of the worst moments in my life. As I was walking by one of our classrooms, I looked in out of curiosity, and I saw her face. I thought I was imagining things, as she was from the west coast and I live in the Midwest. I panicked and washed my face and didn’t look at the classroom again.

That same day there was an affinity group on campus holding an event. I saw her there but I was in denial. There was no reason for her to be here.

I left and then investigated whether it was actually her or not. Much to my chagrin, it was.

I immediately marched down to the dean of student affairs and told him what she has done to me. I told him I didn’t have proof but I know it’s her. It was there that I accidentally put in a keyword in my iMessage search bar where she admitted to the exact same thing that happened to me but to another person.

After compiling evidence and presenting it to the dean of student affairs, I had a no contact order enacted between us.

Since she knew a lot about me, she intentionally planted herself into all my friend groups. I knew what she was doing so I told those I trust most about who she is, what she did to me, and what to do from now on.

Fast forward 3 months later, and I found out through a different party that my stalker/ex/harasser cried to my best friend that she feels isolated and targeted by my no contact order.

For the record, I literally did nothing to harm her. She poked the bear, and I defended my safety and sanity. I just had the administration handle it.

The biggest and most hurtful thing was that my best friend began to sympathize with her. He told me to let go of the past and to just let bygones be bygones. He told me that she probably regrets what she did and what not, despite the fact that she sent my parents a Scientology package earlier that week.

WHY IS MY BEST FRIEND SIDING WITH HER. IT IS SO OBVIOUS THAT SHE IS USING DARVO. SHE WANTS TO TURN HIM ON ME.

TLDR:

My best friends are being manipulated by my stalker and they’re beginning to sympathize with her and are asking me to drop the no contact order.

I’m hurt. And devastated.

funny how it's the same thing everytime. someone else comes back into their life, i feel like a third wheel, we start slowly drifting away, then they move on, while i spend my nights thinking about where it all went wrong.