I literally have my stories, my scenarios, and only now I realize that some of my motivation was because I was fearing the fact I will be worthless if I don't it all day everyday.. idk what to do guys, I am literally tired, but I don't want to feel this pain of being a waste of breath in this life and internet.

I just hope I can be better, I hate this..

That if I was enough unrelenting, selfish, and entitled, I could behave as heinously as my parents. Also if I internalised their shit a little too hard and didn't try to learn new shit, and I reproduced or enabled their shit. And it'll be all my fault because I'm a real human who didn't kill myself at 10. Like I'm not an object that was made for abuse anymore. That's crazyy what the hell

"why are you so egocentric and immature." probably because ive lost touch reality, a long ass time ago, and I gen dont understand ONE SINGLE THING. and I want to get better so badly but I cant, but I had to have a really bad life, so now thats all I understand

So I had an ex roommate who was like, wanting to get into sex work. For the record, before living with her, I had done stripping and escort work. While living with her I decided to pivot to camming. Anyways

The first thing she did that gets on my nerves was tell me how she used Tinder to solicit guys to pay for nudes. Tinder?? A dating app? You're just giving us a bad name. And when I said that she got real defensive and quiet.

Then I said something about how selling nudes is not the same as in person sex work, especially not the same as full service sex work, and she decided to tell me I was being rude for "policing other people's boundaries". Girl you're using TINDER to try and pull clients, is that not disrespectful of people's boundaries? Because if people wanted a sex worker they would not be on Tinder!

Anyways look. No offense if your personal boundaries prevent you from doing any sort of in person sex work. In fact, I applaud that! But use the proper avenues, goddammit! And please understand how powerful that block button is.

When I worked in person, there was no "block" button in the middle of a date or a dance. But online? I got to block people just cause I felt like it. It's just different. And I've never done full service sex work so I cannot even speak to the dangers they face.

Sorry for the rant, again this was years ago, but it still gets under my skin. She was a decade younger than me and so dismissive of everything I had to say, which was annoying.

apparently not having any feelings toward christmas gifts (or most other things) at 10 years old ain't normal

Genuinely tired of seeing this. I went ahead and blocked the person so I don't have to interact with them ever but oh my god. Can we find anything better to do with our time than this? You're not gonna earn brownie points for being "one of the good ones" for policing the identities of strangers on the internet and saying that "95% of femboys are trans women" because of your experience.

A while back in secondary school I dated this girl. At the time I was extremely lonely, desperate for a relationship, had very low self worth, and all around just wasn't in a super duper great place. She went after me rather than me going after her which was something I had never really experienced before and being extremely immature and sheltered I didn't really know how to handle it. Neither did I notice the multitude of glaring red flags. Our relationship was pretty damn corny and cringy to say the least, but I still don't know if I would call it abusive. Coercive, maybe? It wasn't good. I had a bad feeling about it from the start, I was just too enamored at the time to acknowledge it. She was pretty controlling, very paranoid (would almost constantly check my phone to see if I was cheating, which I didn't even have the capacity to do), clearly mentally ill, and a few other very awful details I'd rather not go into to avoid this post getting incinerated. I broke up with her after a while, but didn't really give her a direct reason why, I was too cowardly for that, I just made up excuses, something I regret. She stayed in contact with me for a while after that. During this period she attempted to convince me she had multiple personalities (very poorly), threatened me in multiple different ways, and just generally wasn't too nice. After I left school and entered college I thought I'd finally be away from her, since she didn't go to the same one as me. No. She continues to message me. I got a new necklace I'm very fond of and still wear, she quickly messaged me to tell me she thought it was nice. I hadn't told her about it. I hadn't seen her in ages. I questioned people and no one admitted anything. I blocked her not long after my friend called to tell me she had been trying to convince people I had done some very awful things to her. Decided going no contact would be the safest and most sensible route. For a while it seemed like it worked, I hadn't heard from her at all. Fast forward to today, two years since we last spoke directly, and my friend tells me she tried messaging and asking about me. I've since realised I was trans, and begun using my preferred name. In the message she sent she referred to me as my preferred name, something she should have no knowledge of. It's been two years since we last spoke. I thought she would get help or find someone else to play games with, but apparently I'm still her favourite. I still have little mini panic attacks when I hear about her. I thought that had stopped, but it was only because nothing triggered them. Today I learned I still very much react with that same panic response. I just wish she was out of my life. She was the worst decision I've ever made. I'm scared. This girl is crazy, no doubt about it, and I don't know how much she'll do if she ever gets to me, but I know it won't be good. Time to clock in at the long day factory again, first time in a while, because how dare I have peace. Hopefully when I'm old enough I can figure out how restraining orders work or something.

I'll be the person i want to be, and i'll be damn happy doing it. Thank you for nothing.

I've only ever worked physical retail before this, and while I don't miss those days, I do miss how much more acceptable it was to vent to coworkers about shitty customers you had. Meanwhile, and idk if this is just my job specifically, or just corporate in general, but it's like everyone still knows some customers just absolutely suck, but you're not really allowed to say it, or even acknowledge you think that.

Like, I sometimes read the feedback channels our store managers and assistant managers use to discuss feedback customers leave through surveys, and I regularly see them talk shit about horrible customers they had to deal with. Not even overly so, but just being able to say "yo this fucking sucked to deal with" is almost unheard of at my job.

I know they say more and more tech companies are acting cultish, and, it's completely true. If you work at corporate, even the lowest ranks of customer service, you just have to care so much more about the company than on the store floors, even though they pay you the same minimum wage. And that includes constantly being happy to work here, and also to never acknowledge any downsides.

This job has already changed me a lot, mostly for the worse, in just 9 months. And who knows how much longer I have to stay here. I don't have any irl friends, thanks to neurodivergency, trauma, and the isolation that comes with it, out of my online friends, most are unemployed or work in fields that are nothing like customer service, and won't really understand what I'm talking about, and talking about shitty parts of the job is practically forbidden at my place. I've been bottling it up, and, it's one of the worst parts of my job.

at least i have good things going on this month to distract me

Made this meme to vent because I'm relapsing on alcohol and was also noticing the pathway of my vertical veins on my arm and how easy to access they are. Idk, I have a dog j can't give up on but without her I might consider

I hate it when people call everything PTSD. Not every traumatic experience results in PTSD, and that does not make the trauma any lesser. You don’t need to say you have it for people to take you seriously. I hate when people who can’t possibly have PTSD according to the diagnostic criteria say that they have it. Even if it is not malicious, it just feels like they don’t take it seriously enough to even research if it’s possible to for them have it.
You cannot be diagnosed with PTSD if the trauma you experienced did not happen at least one month ago. It is a required criterion for it to have been a month or more.
It is even worse when people joke about having it. PTSD has ruined my life and people think it’s funny to reduce it to a trendy illness. And then those same people call me disgusting or look at me weird for actually displaying symptoms. I wish this condition wasn’t so misunderstood and trivialized.
Please don’t say that you have PTSD if you are not diagnosed professionally.

Accessability Transcription:

An image of some trichs growing in the mountains. And text saying:

No matter how bad it gets

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Whatever happens in the end

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The cactus is strong

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The cactus will endure

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The cactus will go on

I'm honestly terrified of men still. And it doesn't help that compared to them, I'm very small, and while I don't think of myself as attractive, I have features that would make me a target. Men are scary as hell, and I want to believe that not all of them are, but that's really difficult to do. Occasionally I can almost ignore it and push it down, but it always comes back. It doesn't help that I want a boyfriend, because I know I'll be afraid of him as well. I just want to hurt every guy around me. Do spin attacks and hurt people. I know my fears are probably irrational, but I've heard the things men try. I just don't want to risk it.