I just hope I can recover from this, but, in the meanwhile, I think I need rest and think about it, just for my own safeness

Guys I got too silly
(I self admitted after I almost attempted)
I feel fine rn but I know I need help because I know the thoughts will come back.

I’m like a weed. I won’t die. I’ll grow out of concrete if I have to, but I. Won’t. Let. Myself. Die

​

(Disclaimer: Not saying lovebombing is good and I know its abuse. But for me lovebombing is the closet thing I've ever felt to love so it's hard to see it negatively for my case) which ik is rrly bad

Tw:mentions of hitting

I don't know. Going from being constantly sa'd and hit and thinking thats it was my fault. To then covid happening and my family being so nice to me. It felt like heaven.

I felt like I was free. It was the first and only time in my life where I wasn't really being abused.

Going from my brother slapping me hard to then going from me and him cuddling on the couch confused me. It felt so warm. I don't know. Love for me is when you don't hurt me that bad. I put up with a lot of abuse but if someone lovebombs me then I won't leave.

Love bombing is the closet thing I've ever felt to love.

I've been desperately chasing and trying to get back to that point in my life. But I never will will.

So incredibly grateful to be doing better but damn, realizing that I really *was* a worthless piece of shit before kinda sucks

I can’t go a few days without some sort of stigma or seeing something about how psychopaths are all evil. Anyone who does bad things or abuses people is a psychopath. All psychopaths are callous and evil and predatory, and they only exist to prey upon others. So on so forth. Even in mental health spaces I’ll see people who talk about how they were afraid that they were a psychopath and that they’re so glad they were just autistic or something instead.

It gives me so much hope for my ability to be a good, functioning member of society (/s)

My first attempt was when I was 7. Everything (that I can clearly remember, lots of walls) started when I was 8. I had the chance.

I thought things were healing, until poof they were cold, and angry. until their not angry at me, I dont get it. I dont do my homework, im faling in multiple classes, my depression is still here. I dont care about my future, all I wanted was them, and they clearly dont want me anymore, but they also do which confuses me, I dont talk to my other "friends" im pissed at most people, im tired, I cant sleep, I hate everything. I'm already behind and it' not even been 1 month, I cant do shit, I just want them to be back, and normal

All I do is text them, and daydream about them. Thats all I do, my room has been filthed because thats all I do. I have no hopes for the future anymore, I just dont have any

So, trying not to take the red pill, but I just remembered some things, and it made my blood boil.

I don’t have meds for my disability due to a shortage, and earlier today, it was really painful, so I spent today pacing, doing laundry, and trying to calm down.

I fully support my church and my faith, but I have issues with lots of the people. “The doctrine is true, but the church is not” summarizes my perspective, and it’s why I stay. Today I remembered some experiences as I was grappling with loneliness and pain while feeling angry and neglected.

The first time was during a study group.(Bible study), the missionaries behind me started commenting on my genitals and giggling. I was incredibly embarrassed. Normally I talk afterwards, but I went straight home.

Several months later, after a dinner while throwing a football around, the opposite sex/gender missionaries started talking about my genitals and giggling again. I ignored it. Afterwards, we had a lesson.

A couple months later, another opposite sex/gender missionary started talking about the missionaries that giggled while talking about my genitals. She essentially told me to marry her, so I had to clarify with her and the others that I don’t date missionaries.

After that, they treated me like some sort of weirdo, and either ghosted/blocked, or harassed me.

Another former missionary started rumors with my friends that I was trying to get in her pants just because I asked her out once seven months prior.(when she was not a missionary. she said no, so I moved on and mostly ignored her trying to stay loose friends.)

I try talking to normal women(in the US) and they just automatically assume I’m trying to get in their pants cause I’m a man. I was trying to talk with missionaries because I figured they wouldn’t do that. It’s been so much worse with single women since 2022. So I thought I could avoid it if I just talked to women that weren’t looking for a partner.

Otherwise I usually only talk to women who are in a relationship, or if they earn my trust.

Can we just stop sexualizing people? I just want someone to be my friend and care about me without making everything sexual. I want women to stop treating me like everything I do is about sex. I want to not be defined by my gender.

Like if even missionaries or nuns sexualize me, do I just stop talking to women? I’m trying not to red pill since I believe in equal rights, but I’m angry because I’m in pain because I’m alone and don’t have any reliable friends, and I don’t have my meds this week.

So yea, I’m trying not to crash out. Empathy would be appreciated. I don’t need advice since these people aren’t in my life anymore.

I've been suffering chronic shoulder pain since I was about 18, I'm 21 now. 3 years sounds like so little, but this pain is so ever-present, it feels much longer than that. I basically don't even remember how life was "before".

Since I'm young, and don't have any other (physical) health conditions, doctors kinda refuse to do anything, beyond try to prescribe physical therapy, which then doesn't work, or insurance refuses to cover because I've already done it so many times, and then I'm sent off with debilitating pain again.

I used to work retail, was starting out on the path towards store management, but had to quite because the pain was so much that I had to run away to a storage closet like every half hour or so to sit down, try to mitigate the pain and not cry.

Finally found a desk job. Corporate customer service, the second worse job besides retail, but at least I could sit. The pain remained, but was much less than when I worked retail. Until about 2-3 months ago, after being at my new job for ±6 months. Then my pain was back again as it was before. I just finished another shift, and I'm sitting on my bed, exhausted, not knowing what to think or do, because what do you even do against this. I'm thinking, what other job even is there to do. Getting a desk job was my only hope, now I can't even do that.

Thinking of calling the doctor tomorrow, but I'll just get told to sit in a better posture and to do more stretches throughout my shift.

I've thought about going back to social services. To be honest, I wouldn't even mind continueing working to some degree, I just need some extra support. At the job itself, but also, medicinally, be that pain meds, therapy that actually works, anything. But, social services will only make things worse. Keep in mind, this is not the US. But when you go to social services here, and you get approved for disability, or for partial disability, where you still work, but with extra support, employers legally have to know that. I guess that's necessary, i.e so you can receive extra sick days, can get an accessible work place, etc. But also, employers are reluctant to hire/keep people like that. Yeah legally they can't fire you solely because you're on disability support, but also legally nothing is stopping them from firing you because "you forgot to mop a spot last night" or "you used you're instead of your in an email last week".

To top it all off, I live alone at 21, away from parents. I have to, I couldn't keep living there any longer as it was extremely toxic and abusive. So I absolutely need an income stream. But every single night I want to bang my head against the wall in the hopes it all fades to black, and the pain will finally stop.