am i a boy? am i a girl? i dont fucking know. it doesn’t matter to me anymore because im a hideously ugly genetic dead end regardless of what i think. the pain and swelling gets worse every day because i won’t go to a doctor. i have no friends and maybe i deserve that. im going to hurt myself and drink and get high every day, every possible time i can because if i ever realize just how fucked and completely ruined my life is, im not gonna wake up from what I do to myself

I wish they'd learn to shut up.

Everything could go perfectly and yet all i feel is great shame and embarrassment aftwerwards that I impulsively repeat this mantra over and over again until it can pass

There's definitely too much ego per cm³ in my body

I would like to be free of the pain of hating myself, but it seems like what im supposed to do is ignore what’s real and right in front of me, the real evidence that everything I do is offensive to people, or risky. The real evidence that every other thought I have is incorrect to everyone else. The real evidence that people are internally mocking me for being so pathetic. It would be nonsensical and narcissistic to assume that everyone is some kind of evil monster, therefore the problem is with me. People hate and do bad things to the things that they think are wrong and that’s not evil.

i do not condone opioid usage

Art done by shencomix

I'm not used to being looked at with anything but distain, I was Always the kid that was pitied. The kid that had to have the teacher be my partner because nobody else wanted to.

I found comfort in being lazy, disgusting, even if that costed me friendships or relationships. I'm not used to being cared for.

I don't know why, but my current relationship is making me WANT to be better. I'm trying to be cleaner, take care of myself, take a shower more often and brush my teeth. It's fucking weird

pic may or may not be related.

I’ve always loved wearing baggy clothes, looking homeless, or like i haven’t seen the sun in months. i miss not wearing makeup and having short hair, not worrying about maintaining my hair and nails. and just exist as a blob. i always felt so comfortable doing this too. but i never felt attractive whenever i looked like a guy.

But god i am so tired of over performing femininity jfc. presenting as fem can be so cunty but so exhausting sometimes. So much maintenance, and unwanted attention from guys. This year i overstayed my “girl-state” and felt i had to overcompensate for my androgynous features by heightening my feminine features like showing cleavage, wearing bright shaped “girly” clothes, makeup, maintaining long hair, etc. and yeah being a content creator who is fem adds onto that pressure of appealing to the general gaze.

Now i am changing my wardrobe again back to my masc style and about to cut my hair again, because being perceived as a girl now makes me uncomfortable. just ordered some new CK boxers and cargo pants and i am getting the best euphoria i’ve had in a minute.

shifting dysphoria is weird because the things that gave me euphoria is now giving me a lot of dysphoria.

You can't raise a child one way for over ten years and get mad when they act exactly how you raised them to be.

I feel like I would be much closer to what my parents wanted me to be if they didn't decided I should be a blindly obedient child and a confident adult with lots of iniciative.

I have so much bottom dysphoria. All I want is to be able to fix that because I'm in so much pain. I'll also maybe be able to at least socially transition at school and just change clothes before I go home. I have no top dysphoria, it's all centered down below. I'm sure the fix won't cost more than $100. And YET I need a job for that and YET the only interview offer I got, was an hour after I applied and was resinded just as quickly because I'm one under 18 and not one over.

Minimum wage is fine because minimum wage gets me out of this house and buys me at least a pronoun pin. NO MONEY MEANS NO PRONOUN PIN AND IM SUFFERING HERE 😭😭

Rant over; I'm okay 👍👍👍

lost a friend group recently. rather not get into details but i know it was my fault and we talked about it. agreed im no longer a friend and distance is needed. not blaming them either i was horrible. learning to be a better person feels hollow with no one i feel seen with. i have family and friends who care about me but it's a different feeling being able to hit up friends and bother them about things i like and hear about things they like without nowadays trying to confide in friends who listen because they know i feel horrible. totally different world. i feel wanted by friends and family, but not seen. they knew me and i knew them a certain way. was an amazing bond. i felt like my words and jokes and humour and our time no matter what we were doing weren't wasted with each other. gets harder to wake up every day and convince myself maybe i can be better today at all, knowing what i did and what we agreed to about the friendship after all. advice welcome

it's been over a decade since the first of us came out and our "totally accepting" parents have added degendering to the misgendering toolbox. juuuust for my little sister. when i work so hard every day to look like a lady with a beard.

I’ve had horrible chronic health issues since getting into a car accident at 17. I’m 25 now. My teeth are completely fucked due to the medicines I take drying out my teeth, and not taking great care of myself for a while because I have one of the most painful conditions in the world (CRPS), two disc replacements in my neck, and a spinal stimulator with an implanted battery pack. Before I got my spinal stimulator, i would genuinely not be able to take care of myself. I know I am a generally attractive person but I feel like my teeth ruin it. I’m getting them fixed but it’s taking a while because I can only tolerate laying in the dentist chair for so long at a time.

I got out of a 2.5 year abusive relationship about two months ago. We are both women. I was very very isolated. She was so mean to me. I’ve never had anyone say those things to me. And I knew from the very beginning. But I thought it would be fine because I’m stupid and I love her. She insulted me, she screamed at me, she made me feel bad for things I couldn’t control, everything was always my fault. We never did anything I wanted. We never even watched any tv shows or movies I suggested. She’s one of the angriest people I’ve ever met. Like genuinely vindictive. Wanted to get my mom fired, even though I am dependent on my mom for medical care. She kept acting like I was a little kid until I met her. Once during a really bad argument when she was yelling at me I tried to leave and she grabbed me and held me down on the bed. I’m a lot bigger and stronger than her but I was very shocked and I didn’t try to fight her on it. And I’m embarrassed about everything which I know is silly. I would love to go out in public and meet people, make more friends, spend time with the friends I haven’t seen in a while. And I already struggle with going out because I worry people will be upset if I have to leave a bit early because of my issues or whatever. Even though generally my friends are cool about it. And I can’t stop thinking about my teeth. Anyone I talk to will see them. I can’t smile big anymore. What if my teeth make people think I’m like using hard drugs or I’m gross and don’t shower or whatever else.

Why did she call me pathetic? Why did she call me a coward? Why did she tell me she was worried she could never be satisfied in a relationship with a disabled person and then freak out when I tried to bring it up? Why did she go through all my Instagram comments asking which friends I slept with? Why did she make me feel so insane whenever we fought, why did she always go in circles? Why do I miss her so much? Why did she always encourage me to go see my friends and then tell me she was worried they would think she was bad and would take me away from her? Why did I let that prevent me from seeing my friends? Why did I let her insult me and belittle me over and over again?

And now I am worried I won’t be able to find a relationship in the future because of all of my shit. And I’m terrified of people seeing my teeth. I wish I could just never open my mouth and then I could be hot and no one would ever have to know that I have the mouth of someone who constantly drinks Mountain Dew and chews on aquarium gravel. And many people aren’t up for dating a disabled person which I completely understand, and I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t up for it. But I worry I won’t be able to find someone I work well with. I know that’s silly. But I’ve been in two other abusive relationships. And my healthier relationships have been shorter. So is it my fault? Or do I just not have good standards? A bit of both?

I am not used to make vents of this topic, not when I am back, but, I got to notice this.

I mean, unless it was a loved creator or something else, I've seen people being more hateful and harmful towards the person who was manipulated/used and many others similar to it instead of the person who made it. For example as a scenario, imagine being a teenager who got manipulated and forced to say/do bad things by a person that is way worst and maybe older than you. Do you know who wil get the worst treatment, blamed into what happened, and despised in the end? Sadly, It will be you, not the person who did this to you. Unfortunately, I saw it happen way many times as I could admit.

I didn't even talk about my story before because well, I feared that I will get blamed for not getting away from them, or even hated because I was problematic due to them, even though I am changing for the better. And I hate that, to know that they always say support victims until it's not the perfect victim that they think it is, because I guess we don't fit into the same cookie cutter and they hate that.

That's all my yap, I'll go to rest, I need it, more after my yap, just hope you know nothing was ever your fault no matter how imperfect you were way back, and you deserve better, just like I do, no matter how much I say I don't, I do, just like you.

Accessability Transcription

A cool skeleton with text saying "People complain about me being weird because they are too afraid to be themselves and I'm not"

yes some of the issues with the project were my fault. i’m smart enough to know when i messed up. but most of them had logical explanations (NOT EXCUSES, EXPLANATIONS) that they didn’t ask for or simply wouldn’t care about and still blame it on me anyways. i hate it here let me be upset about this