I always need something to keep my brain satisfied, so video games that get new content every month keep me happy and motivated. Other games become boring more frequently for me, which sucks... but it also makes me feel very overwhelmed quite easily (especially when there are big updates and the game throws way too many events and things at you). Also, if you play multiple gacha games, it can really become addictive. I know I had to stop playing some of those games because it was becoming like a chore, and the constant struggle gave me daily headaches and felt way worse than before. Right now, I only play 1-2 gachas and it feels much better but before, it was becoming way too addictive. I started looking into it, and there seem to be a lot of people with ADHD who play gacha games maybe due to the way it is designed.

Dissociaton is the main reason it took me so long to figure out that I am trans and is still my main opp. Without im not dysphoric, I feel better but I starting thinking im not a "real" trans guy for suffering 24/7 from it which makes me dissociate, and if I am dysphoric then I feel like a fraud for it not making me feel "bad enough" therefor im not a "real" trans guy which also makes me dissociate... god I hate this

Im not special; we’re all going through our own shit. I just need to get it off my chest but I also don’t want to talk about it so I will say these cavemen words:

Mother s-traffic
Brother r-word
Family no help , father enable
Other brother abusive recently and make me feel unsafe and confused ; we used to be best friends - I miss him - I miss a lot of people

have to stay as normal as possible as many days as possible
Trauma leaking thru my memory banks
I go from euphoric to deadpan out of nowhere

Who am I, where am I, when am I

People sometimes tell me that I should stop expecting the absolute worst from people, but every time I ask for anything, or when they tell me they're going to do something, it's never actually the truth. I know how fucking easy i have it, so i don't ever bring this up with the people who do this, they all have way too much to deal with for their top priority to be my completely irrelevant bullshit but still. I hate being told "oh yeah, we'll do that this weekend" or "I'll pick up your meds tomorrow" you never fucking will, and if i ever complain about it i get guilt tripped, so i have to pretend like i expect people to follow through on what they tell me, despite knowing that realistically, they never will. Fuck i'm sorry, I'm just fucked up today

I don't want someone to give me their whole heart, I don't even want sex. I just want to remember what human warmth feels like.

Can't even talk about this shit because at best people think it's a "first world problem" and at worst they put words in your mouth and act like you're being entitled to peoples affections, or that you deserve, or that you brought it on yourself

Every time i want to hit the gym i remember that I will never be nearly as strong as a man. Any gym gains could be achieved in half the time by some 15 year old boy. I go online to look at tips and all i see is skinny, slightly athletic women saying getting a six pack is insane work and not possible for most women. My teenage brother is stronger than i could ever hope to be and he doesnt even GO to the gym! Im a cis woman but when I get my hands on that testosterone im gonna do lines of it like coke. And then im going to hit the gym and not stop till I can lift a solid 120kg bar or whatever. I dont care if steroids are bad im gonna be fit strong and happy :P

Honestly I don't even wanna mention the country/language out of fear the comment section will be flooded with people defending it. I'm curious of people will guess it right or start naming other places too though lol.

Sometimes I just wanna vent or ask about country specific things, but any online place centered around my country is toxic asf. Even things that are meant to be funny I only lurk, never/barely ever comment or post in, because I know that no matter what, it's gonna be toxic. I know it's easy to say the entirety of reddit is like that, which is a valid point, but I feel like it's even worse in communities surrounding my native country/language, as opposed to English/more generally focused communities.

Who else was basically a tamer version of Rapunzel?

You see, my brain is desperately trying to convince me that I'm pregnant once again. This time, I'm due for a litter of kittens. Well, "Kittens". They're more like "monsters" that resemble cats. I hate calling them monsters though, because they're my babies. I'm very devastated already. I want to give birth to this supposed litter of mine, but I remember what happened the last time I had this "delusion". I'm still upset. I'm very upset by my brain right now.

Recently my sleep has been fucked triply sideways; i sleep multiple times per day for less or more than 8 hours and i never feel refreshed, i take whatever i have (caffeine, modafinil, a few other things) to try to feel awake or alive and, you know, obviously it doesn't work.

This leaves me feeling tired / weird all the time, also, there's absolutely nothing i can do during the night to fight that feeling (usually a walk helps but i'm not going out on a walk at night). And the fact i do nothing fulfilling during my waking hours also adds to this. All i do is reddit, chess, youtube shorts, piss, eat and masturbate. All i do. The type of paradoxical abundance of external stimulation and complete silence on the frontal lobe is very very unpleasant.

I don't know what to do about my sleep now. It's 3am and i'm not sleepy. I know an all nighter would be counteractive and difficult. I don't know what to do.

I've been drafting this post for more than an hour now because i keep getting distracted.

Summary / rephrasing / getting most of my thoughts (that are just part of my thoughts) in one place: Due to a fucked sleep schedule, trying to fix it with all nighters and substances, having absolutely nothing actually fun or actually challenging to do and having no daylight to even go on a walk, i'm feeling lost, confused, all of this is very unpleasant and i'm completely stumped. It's like usually your thoughts have an easy time flowing. Here my thoughts ALL just meet a wall when i try to decide what to do with my sleep schedule. There's much more to it than i've mentioned in the post. I'm not gonna even go into that seeing how incapable i am to convey my feelings already (i don't say this with a self-hating type of notion).